Question & Dancer: This & That

question-and-dancerI’m an artist not an expert, one who is learning to embrace questions more than answers.

These are some questions I got last month. Ask yours here.

I have hocd, and I’m a 17 year old girl. I was wondering, is it weird if I still get crushes on guys during this? sometimes I doubt if I even do like them and the feelings feel fake and forced. Other times, no. Since my hocd started I haven’t been able to really like a guy. If I do, my crush goes away quickly. This makes me worried and makes me think that I can never truly like a guy ever again. 

Dear one, not weird at all. HOCD will do whatever it can to confuse you. Please be sure to read about HOCD and ERP at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Hi Jackie! My question concerns telling my significant other about my HOCD. I have already told him a bit about my same sex attraction fears (around 1.5 yrs ago) but at the time, I didn’t realize it was HOCD. Now that I know HOCD is the culprit I am wondering if you have any advice as to how to explain… I am afraid he won’t believe its HOCD and indefinitely doubt my affection for him. 

This is definitely up to you. I think this is the one of the hugest fears for someone with OCD. I did write a letter you can give to your SO to try to explain things better. It’s available here: https://jackieleasommers.com/2015/07/29/hocd-a-letter-to-loved-ones.

I just want to say, a massive thank you. I´ve been on hell for the past six months, or maybe more. i even thought about killing myself. and i trully did search for so many blogs, but they are mostly about guys so i didnt feel like i found answers. But this is the first site that is from a girl. Made me feel like there is hope. I hope eventually i get to tell you how truly straight i feel i am.

Thank you for your sweet message. I promise you there is hope, and I look forward to hearing from you after you’ve undergone treatment. In the future, if you are feeling suicidal, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them here.

I feel like I have accidently made vows to give up things that i enjoy and i didnt want to give them up. I have OCD, but would the vows be binding? For example: “if i step on a crack, i have to stop doing this activity” but sometimes i feel like i mentally agree to it for a split second after the thought comes in my head. Like its 90% intrusive, but 10% my intentional.

I experienced this intrusive vow-making too, back when I was in high school, and it was a dark, dark time of my life. I don’t think that you are bound to these because it is OCD making the vow, not you. In any case, it is better not to focus on “solving” the vow-making but on treating OCD with exposure therapy. Best wishes!

Another vow question. I just feel so stressed because I really feel like I have to give up my two favorite activities according to the vows. After that I am left with no form of enjoyment. Even when I try ERP,  i feel like i am sinning by breaking promises to God and I dont even enjoy doing the activities anymore because of the anxiety.I feel like there is no hope. What do I do?

I also worried that my ERP might be sinful. I hope this post will help you: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/08/03/ocd-scrupulosity-is-erp-sinful.

Hi Jackie, I have hocd. What worries me a lot is that I don’t have any attraction to guys (I’m a female). I want to like someone but I feel empty and don’t feel any attraction even though they might be perfect for me. What do you think?

Hello lovely, this is perfectly normal for someone with HOCD, and you can defeat it with exposure (ERP) therapy, which you can read about at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD. There are resources there too in case you can’t afford therapy but would like to do it on your own.

Jackie, I’m a female with hocd. I know it is common for people to lose attraction to the opposite sex during this, but will I ever like another guy again?? It honestly feels like I won’t. 

Oh dear one, yes, I truly believe that you will. ERP therapy can help. You are not alone by any means, and I hope that as you read through the questions in this post, you will see that.

Hello! I believe that I have been suffering from HOCD for the past 8 years (this started when I was only 12, unfortunately). I’ve never been diagnosed or treated. However, my question is: is it normal/common for OCD compulsions to change over time?? 

Yes indeed! As obsessions and compulsions shift, we call this “theme hopping,” and you can read about it here: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/01/19/theme-hopping.

I’ve been told I have HOCD. I have worried about this  on and off. My first time I was 12 & I remember crying to my parents & I think I said something along the lines “I’m staying straight & then I don’t have to be made fun of” now that scares me because that means I’m afraid of society & that’s what gay people go through. Now I feel like I want to be straight just for society reasons. Please help

It is very common for people with OCD to think back on old memories (even ones that have never bothered them before) and suddenly become fixated on them. Sounds like your experience is very consistent with OCD/HOCD. Have you explored ERP therapy? You can read about it at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD!

Hi, I’m a 16 year old girl who has been suffering with HOCD for roughly 8 months now. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to overcome this is through therapy, but I’m scared to ask for help and recieve it. How do I ask my parents? I feel like if I sit them down to ask them for help, they will assume that I’m coming out or they’ll try to get too much information out of me. Help!

I hope that this will help, my dear: https://jackieleasommers.com/2015/07/29/hocd-a-letter-to-loved-ones.

How can I begin ERP for my HOCD by myself?

Hi friend, you can read about self-directed ERP therapy here: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/10/05/self-directed-erp-therapy.

Should I open up to family & my boyfriend about my HOCD? It terrifies me to think about telling them about it. Can I deal with it alone?

You can choose to do whatever makes YOU feel most comfortable. Please don’t overthink this (I know that’s a silly think to say to someone with OCD, but I want to give you permission to do what you choose). The links in the answers to the two questions just above yours will be useful (I hope!) in choosing whether it is a better option for you to tell your family and boyfriend or whether to go after ERP therapy alone. Best wishes.

Jackie, I’m scared. I had a dream last night in which I married a female I know. (I’m a female with hocd). It was very detailed, including me being with her in bed. This is the second time this female has appeared in my dreams, I have no idea why. I was unhappy in my dream but I’m lost and terrified that this is a prediction to my future???

I know why: because you have HOCD and have been obsessing about this. It makes sense that it would carry over into your dreams. In this interview with a former HOCD sufferer, she talks about having the same experience: https://jackieleasommers.com/2013/10/20/interview-with-a-former-hocd-sufferer. It is not a prediction of your future, dear. It is natural for our waking concerns to sometimes leak into our dreams.

Can HOCD turn into straight OCD, i´ve spent many times on internet which made it worse. and since truly gay ppl have straight ocd, its now like i kinda have that. To be honest i am about to take sleep pills. Hope there is light

There is light. I promise. Firstly, if you are feeling suicidal, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them here. OCD can twist and morph through the weeks and years, so that is not unusual. It will do what it can to make you miserable until you learn to be comfortable with uncertainty. The best method for doing so is the evidence-based approach of ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy, which you can learn about at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Where’s the best place to get diagnosed in the Twin Cities? I’m positive I have HOCD but I’ve never been diagnosed with any form of OCD and I’m worried I’m in denial.

Hi friend, here are a couple resources for you:
https://jackieleasommers.com/twin-cities-ocd
https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/07/24/qa-with-an-erp-therapist

If I’m struggling with hocd, do you think I should stay away from psych forums? I’m already getting help for therapy and medicine though. But do you think it’s my way of just reassuring myself? 

Yes, I really do think it is unhealthy for you to be on the psych forums. Part of your ERP should be avoiding compulsions, and I think this way of seeking reassurance is one. I’m so excited for you that you’re doing therapy and meds though! Are you doing ERP and not talk therapy, I hope?

Please read the following: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/11/16/talk-therapy-vs-erp-therapy.

I have Hocd been going for 4 months.i always got aroused from girl and lez porn,but I did not wanted to do anything with girls.I once thought about kissing a girl and these things are fuelling my hocd.Yesterday I was horny.I decided to watch lesbian porn to check and I got really aroused i tried to think about having sex with a girl and I felt real arousal like i feel with men.Is my hocd or Im bi?

Does it feel intrusive and unwanted? This is part of how we define OCD.

What do you think of group therapy like DBT for OCD? Specifically hocd

I’ll admit that I’m not very familiar with DBT, though I have heard great things about it, especially in regard to treating things like borderline personality disorder. The evidence-based #1 treatment for OCD is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

Have you read, “All the light we cannot see” by Anthony Doerr? “Everything Everything” by Nicola yoon? And “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand? Those are very good reads. Also, what’s your most favorite book of all time? 

I have read the first two, and I own the third book, but I haven’t had a moment to read it yet! My most favorite book of all time? Man, that’s difficult! I am going to go with Saving Francesca and its companion The Piper’s Son by Melina Marchetta. But everything Marchetta writes is magical. I also love The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. (Sorry, it’s just so hard for me to only say one!!)

https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/08/04/read-these-10-novels-and-we-can-be-friends

Jackie I’m scared. I find myself constantly fearful because of my OCD. I have hocd, and I’m always terrified of the “what if..” although I have never questioned my sexuality, I feel as though nothing helps convince me I’m not gay. Some days I’m just depressed. My mind also wanders a lot. I’m not ready for ERP, but what should I do?

If you are not ready for ERP, the next best thing you can do is start to learn more about OCD and ERP. Education matters. It’s an incredible way to fight back. Track down some books and learn. You begin to steal back power this way.

I’m a female junior in high school, and I sometimes feel hopeless if I will ever get a guy. Every where I look people are in relationships. I’ve never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss. I know god always has a plan, but how can I trust him and know I won’t be alone forever?

Hi honey. I’m 35 and single. I completely get it, I promise. In fact, just this last week, I found myself asking my friends this same question, “will I be alone forever?” I guess that is where trust comes into play. We just don’t know, do we? BUT I do believe that when we love and honor God and follow him, he is the one who gives us our desires– in two ways. He gives us the actual desire– and then fulfills it too. I am being inarticulate. Let me try again. I think that God has given me the desire to be in love. I trust that he will also fulfill that God-given desire with a partner.

Is it normal for HOCD to play a part into ur relationship and make u question ur feelings for a person when u know in ur heart that you love/are attracted to them? Where when ur having guilt&questioning yourself about ur sexuality bc of HOCD u feel like maybe ur not in love w ur s/o or that ur not attracted to them when you know you are but ur intrusive thoughts try to make u think otherwise. 

HOCD and ROCD both cause havoc in relationships, yes. The best thing you can do is to treat the OCD itself with exposure therapy. You can do this, if not for yourself then for your relationship.

I have had HOCD it’s only getting worse. im starting to feel like I’m not in control of my mind. Sometimes Ill convince myself I want to be w a girl when really I just think they’re pretty! I feel like I have to accept being gay to get rid of these awful thoughts&everytime I try to I get so mad bc I know that isn’t me. I’ve always wanted to be with a man, never a woman. I’m scared of my own mind. 

Oh dear one, you are not alone. I promise there is help and hope and light. In exposure therapy (ERP), your brain gets rewired in a healthy way, a way that allows room for uncertainty. That might sound terrible, but it is one of the greatest gifts ever: to be able to let thoughts come and go without having to be sure about everything. It’s a new life. It’s freedom. Please read more at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Thanks for all the questions, folks! If you have questions for me about anything (but especially faith, creativity, and mental illness), add yours here.

As I said, I’m an artist not an expert. I will leave you with these, some of my favorite questions in one of my favorite poems, “Questions about Angels.” Click here to hear Billy Collins himself read it. (P.S. It starts with questions, ends with a dancer.

Question & Dancer: When OCD Makes You Doubt You Have OCD [& More]

question-and-dancerI’m an artist not an expert, one who is learning to embrace questions more than answers.

These are some questions I got last month. Ask yours here.

 

Is it normal to become hypersensitive to the looks of your same sex with the onset of HOCD? even if you’ve known and seen the person before they just appear a lot more attractive now? Is that a symptom of a. change in sexuality or another Possible HOCD Symptom?

This is very common. Many (most?) with HOCD will be hypersensitive in this way; some seek out opportunities to “check” their reaction to the same sex (if the person with OCD is straight– obviously, this would be the opposite if the person with OCD identifies as a homosexual person) while some avoid that gender entirely. Both checking and avoidance are compulsions. Follow my HOCD tag here.


I am 54 years old recently my ocd has become worse for last 6 months since i changed my job and because of ocd anxiety i am not able to work at present. My ocd is mostly god related i have to pray and touch god photos everytime i pass through them and think i have not prayed prope rly and become anxious. Also there are lots of thoughts coming and going in my head always about touching god photos etc and i am not satisfied with my praying i tried medicines and they made my condition worst,Please help me Sir

Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is the very best treatment for ANY form of OCD, including this. My OCD was also related to my faith; I suffered for 20 years before just 12 weeks of ERP gave me back my life (and a growing relationship with my God). Lots of resources available for you at www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD!

Is it normal to feel no attraction or interest in romantic relationships when suffering with HOCD, even when recovering (reduced obsessions and compulsions, but the feeling of not knowing your sexuality and not being attracted to the gender you always have been attracted to?

I hear this all the time!

Hi Jackie, I have been suffering from hocd for a while now. One of my biggest problems besides the intrusive thoughts and fear I can’t shake off is the EXTREME SADNESS I have. I feel like I get sucked into this dark hole where I can’t get rid of feeling hopeless and sad. I lose all motivation to do my homework and just feel angry at god. Have you ever felt this way? If so, what did you do to help yourself?

Hi friend, sounds like you might be dealing with depression in addition to OCD. The same thing happened to me. Sometimes the depression is a result of the OCD– treating the OCD effectively will “remove” the source. But sometimes that’s not the case; in such a case, it can be more important to deal with the depression first in order for the sufferer to gather strength to fight the OCD. An OCD specialist can help you with this. Perhaps this is a personal preference, but I always recommend treating depression with medication. Depression is a chemical issue, so I fight back with chemicals, often an SSRI. For those who can’t afford a prescription, the supplement 5-HTP is the closest natural alternative to an SSRI.

Hi Jackie, Did you ever feel like your ocd would never end? As a current hocd sufferer, I feel a lot that it’s never going to be over. I question and doubt even the most logic of facts I’ve been told to use in order to help cope with the intrusive thoughts. Everyday it’s a new “what if” question and it makes me terrified and sad.

Yes yes yes yes yes. This was actually one of the biggest horrors of my OCD: the fear that it would always be that way, that it would never end. I’ve written a post specifically about this.

Hi! I have one question: could HOCD bounce to another theme even though I’ve been dealing with it for two months and eventually couple of weeks ago, it wasn’t as severe as it was for the first month? Sometimes I feel like my attraction men is back (I’m a girl) but I still react negatively when HOCD thoughts come up. HOCD targets my insecurities as well.

Theme hopping is pretty normal, at least it was for me. I would spend maybe three or four months obsessing about something until it was basically like my brain would collapse— maybe it was the mental equivalent to the body passing out from pain. It would quickly find something new. It always would. That’s why we don’t treat the theme– we treat OCD.

a week ago I was still dealing with HOCD, but while putting my niece down for a nap, I had a sexual intrusive image of her followed by “should I…?” ever since then my mind has been obsessing about this nonstop. I know what I am capable of and would never harm a child. I can’t stop googling, crying and asking for reassurance. What should I do? Does this sound like POCD?

Indeed it does! And, if you read the answer just above this one, you will see that often OCD hops from theme to theme until it is effectively treated with exposure therapy. ERP is always the best course of action; many more details and resources at

www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD. You are absolutely correct in knowing that you would never harm a child. You wouldn’t. In fact, if you were that kind of person, you would not be “googling, crying and asking for reassurance.” I am not worried about you being a pedophile. I only want you to be treated for OCD, friend. You can do this.

I think I have had HOCD for about 6 months now, and my attraction still hasn’t come back for men. However, before I would get major spikes when reading coming out stories, and reading online forums would say something along the lines of HOCD is just a cover up for those in the closet. I no longer feel major spikes when reading this material though. Is my mind is coming to terms with being gay?

HOCD is a theme of OCD, an anxiety disorder; homosexuality is a sexual orientation. They are not the same thing at all. The first is an illness; treat it with exposure therapy.

In general, are our thoughts representative of our true selves?

Not when someone has OCD.

I’m so scared and tired. I don’t know how long I can take this.

Don’t give up. But do seek treatment. I remember being in your shoes– exactly those shoes. Exhausted, terrified, living either at a fever-pitch of anxiety or else at a low flat-line of depression. But I got rid of those shoes in 2008. I will never walk in them again. 

Is it possible that you can develop mental illness like OCD, even though you might not have issues with OCD in the past? I also have another question: do you think people who second guess whether or not they OCD take longer to seek treatment or even a diagnosis? Plus, could cultural and community surroundings prolong getting help?

I’m not sure if I have any friend with OCD who would say that they have had it from birth– or at least, that it hadn’t manifested itself from birth. For many of us, there is some sort of trigger that kicks into gear at some point. Mine began at age seven.

And yes, statistics estimate that it takes 14-17 years from the onset of OCD symptoms until someone is correctly diagnosed and effectively treated. For me, it took twenty.

I think that number is affected by pride, doubt, how few people (even therapists!) know to direct an OCD sufferer to exposure therapy, and how difficult exposure therapy is. In addition, cultural and familial stigma also prevent people from getting treated.

I know a family– the most incredible, amazing family– in Michigan. When their pre-teen daughter exhibited symptoms (obsessions and compulsions), the parents immediately sought help, learned about OCD and ERP, and got their daughter into an intense ERP program at the Mayo Clinic. I praise God that my beautiful young friend M didn’t have to suffer for 17 years before all that happened. I praise God for parents like R and D.

I realized one of my compulsions is ruminating, but its so hard to catch myself ruminating until Ive ruminated for a good hour. Ive tried to catch myself early but I’m wondering if you have any tricks to stop it from happening? Its hard because rumination just happens immediately after a scary thought&I dont even realize I’m doing it until its too late (rumination also decreases my anxiety)

I had some compulsions that were auto-responses, and the trick my ERP therapist offered to me to stop it didn’t seem like it would work. Except it did work. When I realized what I was doing I would say, “NO!”– interrupt my thoughts this way– “I don’t need to do XYZ right now.” Sometimes I would have to do that multiples times just in the course of a minute. But it worked. My auto-responses eventually stopped.

I feel so alone in this (HOCD), i feel like i’ve lost all identity and sense of self. I’m getting treatment- its not the best, (I am a student so i cant afford much) but i don’t feel much better. I don’t know what to do, i feel so lost

I am so sorry you feel this way, but you are still fighting. You are looking out for yourself and keep seeking help, and I am proud of you. When you say you’re getting treatment, are you referring to exposure therapy (ERP)? If not, that is what you need to do. Talk therapy is not helpful in treating OCD. ERP, on the other hand, can be done on your own.

I believe I am suffering from HOCD but I am terrified to go to a therapist for them to tell me I am gay. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I do not want to leave and do not want to do anything sexual with men. However I’m scared that I am somehow lying to myself although I’ve been perfectly straight my whole life. Any advice for me?

Yes, read one of these books and see if you can identify yourself. If so, then do the exercises. Listen to yourself: you love your girlfriend and don’t want to do anything sexual with men … yet you are concerned. That is HOCD, friend. (And yes, you will feel a short flood of relief from my saying so … but you will begin to doubt it again soon. That will continue to happen until you treat it with ERP.)

Stop Obsessing by Edna Foa

Amazon | B&N | Fishpond

Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson

Amazon | B&N | Fishpond

The OCD Workbook by Bruce Hyman and Cherlene Pedrick

Amazon | B&N | Fishpond

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders: A Complete Guide to Getting Well and Staying Well by Fred Penzel

Amazon | B&N | Fishpond

Hey, I have a question for you, Jackie (I love your website, by the way; it’s insightful and it’s helped me a lot in recent months). Is this guy a charlatan, or is this actually good advice for someone suffering with HOCD looking to use ERP as treatment? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ7RfcRrXS8 I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thank you!! 🙂

Not a charlatan. His steps were basically think about your fear (Exposure) and feel the discomfort (Response Prevention). This is what ERP therapy is. His later steps talk about doing this again and again until it no longer is so upsetting. This is how ERP happens. You can see all these details in the story of my own experience with ERP. Even more details here.

This is regarding HOCD. I was wondering if it is possible to have wondered if you are gay in your childhood. I started freaking out about my sexuality around 8th grade. I am 20 now… still freaking out and still unsure of what I am. I’m scared to be gay and I was wondering if HOCD makes you looks into your past for evidence of being gay and actually believing it?

This can and does happen with HOCD. This happened to Hannah, who has been interviewed on my blog several times. Her HOCD kicked in in junior high as well.

Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
Another Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
A Third Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
A Fourth Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
Q&A with Former HOCD Sufferer

I have had Hocd in and off for three years and I often doubt that i have it. I often find that I have fairly bad spikes and want reassurance… what is the best way to stop yourself from compulsively confessing or seeking reassurance?

I am assuming that you have read all the other responses above and so you will now know about ERP therapy. I recommend finding a group of supporters who will help hold you accountable– my friends knew exactly what my main compulsions were (mine also were confession and seeking reassurance), and they knew that they should not “aid and abet.” Remember that when you perform compulsions, you are actually siding with OCD and against yourself.

Thanks for all the questions, folks! If you have questions for me about anything (but especially faith, creativity, and mental illness), add yours here.

As I said, I’m an artist not an expert. I will leave you with these, some of my favorite questions in one of my favorite poems, “Questions about Angels.” Click here to hear Billy Collins himself read it. (P.S. It starts with questions, ends with a dancer.)

HOCD Questions?

Out of the OCD sufferers I hear from, 9 out of 10 are battling HOCD.

In the past, a friend “Hannah,” who has come out on top of HOCD, has been happy to answer questions about her hocd questionsexperience with HOCD.

Hannah’s 1st Interview
2nd Interview
3rd Interview

If you have HOCD-related questions for Hannah, please read the above interviews first to see if she has already answered them. If not, you can anonymously submit your question(s) for Hannah by clicking here.

Once I collect a handful of questions for her, I’ll send them her way and post the answers!

Thanks!