Question & Dancer: This & That

question-and-dancerI’m an artist not an expert, one who is learning to embrace questions more than answers.

These are some questions I got last month. Ask yours here.

I have hocd, and I’m a 17 year old girl. I was wondering, is it weird if I still get crushes on guys during this? sometimes I doubt if I even do like them and the feelings feel fake and forced. Other times, no. Since my hocd started I haven’t been able to really like a guy. If I do, my crush goes away quickly. This makes me worried and makes me think that I can never truly like a guy ever again. 

Dear one, not weird at all. HOCD will do whatever it can to confuse you. Please be sure to read about HOCD and ERP at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Hi Jackie! My question concerns telling my significant other about my HOCD. I have already told him a bit about my same sex attraction fears (around 1.5 yrs ago) but at the time, I didn’t realize it was HOCD. Now that I know HOCD is the culprit I am wondering if you have any advice as to how to explain… I am afraid he won’t believe its HOCD and indefinitely doubt my affection for him. 

This is definitely up to you. I think this is the one of the hugest fears for someone with OCD. I did write a letter you can give to your SO to try to explain things better. It’s available here: https://jackieleasommers.com/2015/07/29/hocd-a-letter-to-loved-ones.

I just want to say, a massive thank you. I´ve been on hell for the past six months, or maybe more. i even thought about killing myself. and i trully did search for so many blogs, but they are mostly about guys so i didnt feel like i found answers. But this is the first site that is from a girl. Made me feel like there is hope. I hope eventually i get to tell you how truly straight i feel i am.

Thank you for your sweet message. I promise you there is hope, and I look forward to hearing from you after you’ve undergone treatment. In the future, if you are feeling suicidal, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them here.

I feel like I have accidently made vows to give up things that i enjoy and i didnt want to give them up. I have OCD, but would the vows be binding? For example: “if i step on a crack, i have to stop doing this activity” but sometimes i feel like i mentally agree to it for a split second after the thought comes in my head. Like its 90% intrusive, but 10% my intentional.

I experienced this intrusive vow-making too, back when I was in high school, and it was a dark, dark time of my life. I don’t think that you are bound to these because it is OCD making the vow, not you. In any case, it is better not to focus on “solving” the vow-making but on treating OCD with exposure therapy. Best wishes!

Another vow question. I just feel so stressed because I really feel like I have to give up my two favorite activities according to the vows. After that I am left with no form of enjoyment. Even when I try ERP,  i feel like i am sinning by breaking promises to God and I dont even enjoy doing the activities anymore because of the anxiety.I feel like there is no hope. What do I do?

I also worried that my ERP might be sinful. I hope this post will help you: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/08/03/ocd-scrupulosity-is-erp-sinful.

Hi Jackie, I have hocd. What worries me a lot is that I don’t have any attraction to guys (I’m a female). I want to like someone but I feel empty and don’t feel any attraction even though they might be perfect for me. What do you think?

Hello lovely, this is perfectly normal for someone with HOCD, and you can defeat it with exposure (ERP) therapy, which you can read about at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD. There are resources there too in case you can’t afford therapy but would like to do it on your own.

Jackie, I’m a female with hocd. I know it is common for people to lose attraction to the opposite sex during this, but will I ever like another guy again?? It honestly feels like I won’t. 

Oh dear one, yes, I truly believe that you will. ERP therapy can help. You are not alone by any means, and I hope that as you read through the questions in this post, you will see that.

Hello! I believe that I have been suffering from HOCD for the past 8 years (this started when I was only 12, unfortunately). I’ve never been diagnosed or treated. However, my question is: is it normal/common for OCD compulsions to change over time?? 

Yes indeed! As obsessions and compulsions shift, we call this “theme hopping,” and you can read about it here: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/01/19/theme-hopping.

I’ve been told I have HOCD. I have worried about this  on and off. My first time I was 12 & I remember crying to my parents & I think I said something along the lines “I’m staying straight & then I don’t have to be made fun of” now that scares me because that means I’m afraid of society & that’s what gay people go through. Now I feel like I want to be straight just for society reasons. Please help

It is very common for people with OCD to think back on old memories (even ones that have never bothered them before) and suddenly become fixated on them. Sounds like your experience is very consistent with OCD/HOCD. Have you explored ERP therapy? You can read about it at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD!

Hi, I’m a 16 year old girl who has been suffering with HOCD for roughly 8 months now. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to overcome this is through therapy, but I’m scared to ask for help and recieve it. How do I ask my parents? I feel like if I sit them down to ask them for help, they will assume that I’m coming out or they’ll try to get too much information out of me. Help!

I hope that this will help, my dear: https://jackieleasommers.com/2015/07/29/hocd-a-letter-to-loved-ones.

How can I begin ERP for my HOCD by myself?

Hi friend, you can read about self-directed ERP therapy here: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/10/05/self-directed-erp-therapy.

Should I open up to family & my boyfriend about my HOCD? It terrifies me to think about telling them about it. Can I deal with it alone?

You can choose to do whatever makes YOU feel most comfortable. Please don’t overthink this (I know that’s a silly think to say to someone with OCD, but I want to give you permission to do what you choose). The links in the answers to the two questions just above yours will be useful (I hope!) in choosing whether it is a better option for you to tell your family and boyfriend or whether to go after ERP therapy alone. Best wishes.

Jackie, I’m scared. I had a dream last night in which I married a female I know. (I’m a female with hocd). It was very detailed, including me being with her in bed. This is the second time this female has appeared in my dreams, I have no idea why. I was unhappy in my dream but I’m lost and terrified that this is a prediction to my future???

I know why: because you have HOCD and have been obsessing about this. It makes sense that it would carry over into your dreams. In this interview with a former HOCD sufferer, she talks about having the same experience: https://jackieleasommers.com/2013/10/20/interview-with-a-former-hocd-sufferer. It is not a prediction of your future, dear. It is natural for our waking concerns to sometimes leak into our dreams.

Can HOCD turn into straight OCD, i´ve spent many times on internet which made it worse. and since truly gay ppl have straight ocd, its now like i kinda have that. To be honest i am about to take sleep pills. Hope there is light

There is light. I promise. Firstly, if you are feeling suicidal, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them here. OCD can twist and morph through the weeks and years, so that is not unusual. It will do what it can to make you miserable until you learn to be comfortable with uncertainty. The best method for doing so is the evidence-based approach of ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy, which you can learn about at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Where’s the best place to get diagnosed in the Twin Cities? I’m positive I have HOCD but I’ve never been diagnosed with any form of OCD and I’m worried I’m in denial.

Hi friend, here are a couple resources for you:
https://jackieleasommers.com/twin-cities-ocd
https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/07/24/qa-with-an-erp-therapist

If I’m struggling with hocd, do you think I should stay away from psych forums? I’m already getting help for therapy and medicine though. But do you think it’s my way of just reassuring myself? 

Yes, I really do think it is unhealthy for you to be on the psych forums. Part of your ERP should be avoiding compulsions, and I think this way of seeking reassurance is one. I’m so excited for you that you’re doing therapy and meds though! Are you doing ERP and not talk therapy, I hope?

Please read the following: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/11/16/talk-therapy-vs-erp-therapy.

I have Hocd been going for 4 months.i always got aroused from girl and lez porn,but I did not wanted to do anything with girls.I once thought about kissing a girl and these things are fuelling my hocd.Yesterday I was horny.I decided to watch lesbian porn to check and I got really aroused i tried to think about having sex with a girl and I felt real arousal like i feel with men.Is my hocd or Im bi?

Does it feel intrusive and unwanted? This is part of how we define OCD.

What do you think of group therapy like DBT for OCD? Specifically hocd

I’ll admit that I’m not very familiar with DBT, though I have heard great things about it, especially in regard to treating things like borderline personality disorder. The evidence-based #1 treatment for OCD is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

Have you read, “All the light we cannot see” by Anthony Doerr? “Everything Everything” by Nicola yoon? And “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand? Those are very good reads. Also, what’s your most favorite book of all time? 

I have read the first two, and I own the third book, but I haven’t had a moment to read it yet! My most favorite book of all time? Man, that’s difficult! I am going to go with Saving Francesca and its companion The Piper’s Son by Melina Marchetta. But everything Marchetta writes is magical. I also love The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. (Sorry, it’s just so hard for me to only say one!!)

https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/08/04/read-these-10-novels-and-we-can-be-friends

Jackie I’m scared. I find myself constantly fearful because of my OCD. I have hocd, and I’m always terrified of the “what if..” although I have never questioned my sexuality, I feel as though nothing helps convince me I’m not gay. Some days I’m just depressed. My mind also wanders a lot. I’m not ready for ERP, but what should I do?

If you are not ready for ERP, the next best thing you can do is start to learn more about OCD and ERP. Education matters. It’s an incredible way to fight back. Track down some books and learn. You begin to steal back power this way.

I’m a female junior in high school, and I sometimes feel hopeless if I will ever get a guy. Every where I look people are in relationships. I’ve never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss. I know god always has a plan, but how can I trust him and know I won’t be alone forever?

Hi honey. I’m 35 and single. I completely get it, I promise. In fact, just this last week, I found myself asking my friends this same question, “will I be alone forever?” I guess that is where trust comes into play. We just don’t know, do we? BUT I do believe that when we love and honor God and follow him, he is the one who gives us our desires– in two ways. He gives us the actual desire– and then fulfills it too. I am being inarticulate. Let me try again. I think that God has given me the desire to be in love. I trust that he will also fulfill that God-given desire with a partner.

Is it normal for HOCD to play a part into ur relationship and make u question ur feelings for a person when u know in ur heart that you love/are attracted to them? Where when ur having guilt&questioning yourself about ur sexuality bc of HOCD u feel like maybe ur not in love w ur s/o or that ur not attracted to them when you know you are but ur intrusive thoughts try to make u think otherwise. 

HOCD and ROCD both cause havoc in relationships, yes. The best thing you can do is to treat the OCD itself with exposure therapy. You can do this, if not for yourself then for your relationship.

I have had HOCD it’s only getting worse. im starting to feel like I’m not in control of my mind. Sometimes Ill convince myself I want to be w a girl when really I just think they’re pretty! I feel like I have to accept being gay to get rid of these awful thoughts&everytime I try to I get so mad bc I know that isn’t me. I’ve always wanted to be with a man, never a woman. I’m scared of my own mind. 

Oh dear one, you are not alone. I promise there is help and hope and light. In exposure therapy (ERP), your brain gets rewired in a healthy way, a way that allows room for uncertainty. That might sound terrible, but it is one of the greatest gifts ever: to be able to let thoughts come and go without having to be sure about everything. It’s a new life. It’s freedom. Please read more at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Thanks for all the questions, folks! If you have questions for me about anything (but especially faith, creativity, and mental illness), add yours here.

As I said, I’m an artist not an expert. I will leave you with these, some of my favorite questions in one of my favorite poems, “Questions about Angels.” Click here to hear Billy Collins himself read it. (P.S. It starts with questions, ends with a dancer.

Questions from Blog Readers

questions from blog readersWould you ever get a pet?
I’m usually allergic to animals, so probably not unless I had a farm and could keep the pet outdoors. My parents have a sweet little German shepherd puppy named Casey right now, and she’s adorable. But if I were going to get a pet for myself, I’d get a kitten. I’m weirdly crazy about kittens and watch waaaayyyy too many cat videos on YouTube. (Here’s a favorite.)

What are your love languages?
Definitely words of affirmation. If someone sends me a kind email, I’ll print it out and tape it up at work. If someone praises my writing, I go back and look at it repeatedly. A particularly lovely email from my editor is my desktop background.

Who is your favorite YouTuber?
I think the videos I look forward to the most are from SORTED Food, which is so ironic because I don’t cook. I just ADORE Mike, Ben, Barry, and Jamie and their dynamics! I also really, really love and appreciate all that John and Hank Green have done for the YouTube community. Miranda Sings, Kory De Soto, Wheezy Waiter, What the Buck are all favorites.

If you could design a dream job, what would it be like (it doesn’t have to actually exist)?
Sleep till 11 am. Eat lunch with my favorite kids. Read all afternoon. Take a nap. Have dinner with my best friends. Write till 2 or 3 am. Repeat. (OMGOSH, can this be real someday?)

Will your novel be your first published work, or did you “work up” to it with short stories, novellas, etc.?
Growing up, I wrote novellas. I thought they were books, but they were pretty darn short. In college, I wrote short stories. My short story “Covered Up Our Names” won the Katherine Paterson Prize in 2013. But in my opinion, short stories and novels are so totally different that, at least for me, they are (mostly) unrelated experiences and exercise different writing muscles. Do both teach me a lot about great writing? Yes, of course. But the experience of writing a novel– especially settling in for the long haul and learning how in the world to pace a story– is so different from that of writing a short story. A short story has so much less real estate, and you have to say a lot in so few words. Short stories are really intimidating to me, though every once in a while, I’ll have a burst of inspiration and write one in a frenetic fury. I’m in awe of those who have mastered the short story. I don’t think I have enough great ideas to spend them on many short stories, if that makes any sense.

Where did your faith start? How did you get to the place you are now?
I grew up in a Christian home, but it was my summer camp where I first felt God calling me to him. From 4th grade through graduation, camp was one of the biggest sources of discipleship and spiritual growth for me, along with the example of my parents and the teachings of my beloved youth pastor. College at Northwestern took things to a whole new level, being surrounded by other believers, taking in-depth courses on scripture, and attending daily chapel where I heard from speakers all around the world. But, finally, in 2008, I underwent ERP and finally experienced true freedom, and that is when I really began to grow!

What is your ultimate goal in writing?
To honor God, to make people think, to infuse fiction with truth, and to make the product beautiful.

More Questions from Blog Readers

questions from blog readersHave you ever doubted your ability as a writer?
Yes. Usually daily.

Would you ever consider writing a biography or non-fiction book?
Never say never, but for right now, I’m only interested in writing fiction. I am in love with the power and freedom of it.

How did you begin your journey to writing?
First by telling stories verbally and through pictures as a child– and then eventually using words once that trusty alphabet entered my life. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love stories. I wrote through childhood and my teen years, then studied creative writing in college. After undergrad, I spent three years reading book after book to cultivate myself for future writing, and then I jumped.

When does your book come out?
September 1, 2015!  Add Truest on Goodreads! By the way, I cannot wait to show you guys the cover.  Stay tuned: the big reveal will likely be in February.

How do you have such an active writing life without drinking coffee?
Ha! Good question. I just have never been a coffee drinker. I actually don’t drink anything with caffeine in it. Creativity energizes me. (Though, let’s be honest, it can exhaust too!)

Is writing fiction something that should be left to “writers,” or are people from other walks of life wise to try?
All writers were “people from other walks of life” until they started writing.

Have you ever had paranoia or hallucinations in addition to your OCD?
Not hallucinations, but yes, paranoia. And it was ugly, ugly, ugly. I was trapped inside distrust, fears, and hellish lies. The paranoia is what finally prompted me to seek help– shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with OCD. The paranoia inspired Truest.

Do you think the Bible is literally true, and do you think someone needs to believe that to be a Christian?
I think most of the Bible is literally true, though I think that some parts of the Bible are stories and poems with truth in them. I think that someone needs to believe the gospel (the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ) is literally true in order to be a Christian.

How do I protect people in my life if I’m writing a memoir?
Change names and details. Wait till people die. Or take Anne Lamott’s advice: “You own everything that happend to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

What makes you an Evangelical?
Well, Evangelicalism is “a world-wide Protestant movement maintaining that the essence of the gospel consists in the doctrine of salvation by faith in Jesus Christ‘s atonement.” I fall decidedly into that category. Evangelicals generally believe in the concept of being “born again,” the authority of the Bible, the critical importance of Christ’s death and resurrection, and about sharing this good news with others. That’s me all over, though I will stipulate that my “sharing the good news” might look different than others’ evangelism. Some people go door to door or give our tracts on street corners. I chose to write a book that expresses my worldview.

What else would you like to know?