OCD: Am I Bitter?

Let me tell you, I have drunk my fill of bitterness over OCD.

When you’re twenty years old and have a tortured soul, an imprisoned life, a mind that won’t stop, and a heart that’s broken– and when you doubt that any of it is redeemable– bitterness feels like the only weapon in your arsenal.

But when you’re thirty-two, and you’ve been shown grace and favor and freedom and healing, when you’ve experienced rest, when you know that pain had a purpose, there’s just nothing in your rescued life that wants to hold onto that knife.

And so you open your hand.

At least, I did.

bitterness

 

Image credit: Christian/Mr.C90

 

11 thoughts on “OCD: Am I Bitter?

  1. I’ve had my share of bitterness, too, Jackie, and times of questioning why I had to have this awful disorder. I’ve begged God to take it away or take me away. But with treatment, and getting older, I understand that this was a part of my life and I could find grace within it.

  2. Jackie, that was so beautifully put. After suffering for decades (on and off) and praying the same thing as Tina (Dear God, either take it away or take me away) I feel like I’m finally starting to understand why God allowed my suffering. I have been brought to my knees and and stripped of all crutches but Him. My faith and relationship with Christ is never stronger than when I’m in the dark pit of OCD. He has taught be to be reliant on Him and Him alone. I also KNOW that He hand picked my amazing husband. A man that truly is my rock. The only person that I can truly open up to about the obsessive thoughts that circle my mind. Without OCD my faith nor my love and appreciation for my husband would not be what it is today. Thanks for your honest words… So refreshing!

  3. Hi Jackie,
    I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I’m 19 and got diagnosed with OCD earlier this year after going in circles about where my anxiety came from. I have started the journey to healing, I started medicine, and am beginning ERP with a specialist this week! However I experienced an “off day” after doing very well for about a month and a half. I am angry and bitter today. This post really hit home for me. Why can’t I just be normal? I would give anything to have that. Must I deal with this for the rest of my life? That’s a thought that scares me sometimes, but I know all pain has purpose, I’m just trying to see what that is right now. My diagnosis was a relief but a burden at the same time. With my diagnosis came a realization that this will be a fight that I will battle my whole life. How did you manage that news? Do you have any tips on making a purpose out of all of this?

    • Savannah, thanks for your sweet, thoughtful comment. Here is the thing. I don’t blame you one bit for your bitterness. Not one single ounce. From your perspective: you have had years of suffering, going in circles, and a tremendous amount of pain and fear. From my perspective: you are just BEGINNING your new life of freedom!! You are starting medicine, beginning ERP! You know what you are dealing with and you are DEALING WITH IT. I see you finally reaching the starting line of the rest of your life, dear.

      Is it true that OCD has no cure? I mean … technically. But I will say this: ERP has functioned PRACTICALLY as a cure in my life. These days, I have obsessions and compulsions so rarely that it is almost the equivalent. Do I still have OCD? Yes. Can it flare up? Yes and sometimes it does. Is it anything like before ERP? No. It’s a whole new life.

      Proud of you.

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