I just wrote a long, thoughtful, tearful post about chronic illness, online dating, jealousy, and grief. Only it was too long, and Instagram kicked me out and I lost it all.
.
.
Maybe it was only meant for me, in the end. Now it’s nearly midnight, I’m soul-tired, and I’m thanking God for Prozac while my body and brain are screaming for The Way Things Used To Be.
.
.
Sometimes I act like I’m just in this temporary space, and it’s true I’ve come a million miles from this time last year. But a million miles didn’t get me back to where I was. And another million may not either.
.
.
I have five non-negotiable parts of my life right now, a sixth that I deeply desire but have put on hold. And yet, I have energy for about… Two-ish. How can I honor God, invest in people I love, work full-time, add meaning and purpose to my life via creativity, and keep fighting for my health? Let alone find love AND get my garbage disposal fixed!
.
.
Time for sleep, an audio book, more tears, and letting Prozac and Effexor (my beautiful meds I forgot to take this morning) do their thing and carry me from the basement up to the main floor, just in time for Monday.
.
.
Love,
Jackie
.
.
#blog #spoonielife #spoontheory #spoonie #enneagram4 #enneagram4w3 #mentalillness #onlinedatingistheworst #ISOsexymanwholikestoreadandfixgarbagedisposals

via IFTTT

I am so in love with little me. I want to write her a letter. I want to make sure she knows how much hope there is, how far creativity will get her, and how to use eyeliner someday.
.
.
#blog

via IFTTT

I told my friend, “Outside of the heat, I think I’m the healthiest mentally and physically I’ve been in years.”
.
.
I’m defining what is important to me, making better choices, refusing shame. I’m eating semi regular salads, reading almost every day, applying for a grant, making an outline for novel work, enjoying admissions, sleeping well, embracing my curves, seeking out growth opportunities.
.
.
Let me know in the comments if you’re curious about any of these things. I feel a bit bursting-at-the-seams to share.
.
.
#blog #radicalacceptance #radicalselfacceptance #selfesteem #growth #author #YA #writinglife #iamaheroine

via IFTTT

Sooooo glad for a weekend to rest and recuperate after a week that was basically my perfect storm:
Writing conference (super fun but required a huge toll of energy)
Heat index of 114°
Broken AC
Construction woes
PMS
.
.
But now the weekend is here. Rest, relief, Queer Eye, Finale by @stephanie_garber, curiosity, growth, and building my empire.
.
.
#blog #spoonielife
#spoontheory #spoonie #chronicillness #heatintolerance #dysautonomia
#reading #ireadya #writing #writinglife #buildingmyempire

via IFTTT

So, after I posted about #heatintolerance the other day, my #AC went out.
.
.
It’s fixed now, but there are still repurcussions. It’s noon, and I’m still in bed. My hands feel swollen, my hips kill, I slept 12 hours and finally feel like I could maybe make it down the stairs.
.
.
I usually beat myself up on days like this, which is honestly silly. I know what happens when I pass a certain point in overheating. So why do I still feel surprised when exactly that happens??
.
.
Adding insult to injury: my left eyelid is swollen. My body is so pissed at me for not getting an HVAC guy out on Tuesday and waiting till Wednesday. I’m sorry, body. Rest please. Have some spoons.
.
.
Anyway, all this to say: yup, the heat intolerance formula still works! 😉 But I hope by resting today, SERIOUSLY RESTING, I will be back to business tomorrow.
.
.
(I feel so guilty. My coworkers bear the brunt of this. They NEVER complain, but I still feel guilty.) Alas, with my #radicalacceptance experiment, I’ve committed to not shaming myself, so I need to just own that this is what it is, I couldn’t anticipate my AC breaking, I took action to fix it, and now I am taking action to fix my body. That’s all I can do, right?
.
.
#blog #spoonielife #spoonie #spoontheory #dysautonomia #chronicillness #inbedagain

via IFTTT

A girl and her ice pack
.
.
I’ve been trying to describe extreme #heatintolerance this past week. .
.
Picture at which point your own able body starts to hit breaking point due to heat… Is it at 90°? 100°? What temperature or humidity level starts to make you crumble, lose all energy and even the ability to think straight? At what temp does it feel like you can’t breathe?
.
.
For me, it starts around 65-70°. By the time it gets to 85-90° I’m essentially incapable of functioning. Picture an hourglass where the central skinny neck suddenly expands to drop ALL of the sand (i.e. energy)– WHAM!– all at once. It’s 9 am and you’ve got nothing left to give.
.
.
One step at a time till autumn, a slog to kinder days.
.
.
#blog #dysautonomia #heatintoleranceproblems #fibro #fibromyalgia #spoonielife #spoonie #spoontheory #chronicillness

via IFTTT

From “The Hero is You” by Kendra Levin…
.
.
“… driven by the question, What’s wrong with me? The question her Mentor replaced this with was, Which parts of myself need to be loved today?
.
.
Wow. Yes.
.
.
#blog #writing #writinglife #writingadvice #mentor #SelfCare #radicalacceptance #radicalselfacceptance #author

via IFTTT

Yes. Thank you, @dobbygibson.

#littleglassplanet #poet #poetry #ziggurat #blog

via IFTTT

When reevaluating my goals for the rest of 2019, I decided to make a wild choice: to quit being so terrible to myself. What if I just… QUIT? Quit with the negative self talk, quit with the shame, and just CHOSE confidence, or at least chose to fake confidence.
.
.
Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s bravery in spite of fear. What if I treated confidence the same way? Not the absence of insecurity, but boldness in spite of it. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone else.
.
.
There is some evidence that “fake it till you make it” works (with caveats). And stigma and shame are not motivating. So, let’s see. A six-month experiment. Come January 1st, let’s see how I feel about my body, my writing, myself.
.
.
I already feel freedom. How fitting to decide this while celebrating Independence Day.
#blog #courage #shame #radicalacceptance #radicalselfacceptance #bodypositivity #bodyposi #writing #writingcourage #freedom #confidence #choosecourage #noshame #endstigma

via IFTTT