HOCD: 4 Steps to Freedom

Every month, the majority of questions I am asked are related to HOCD, and many of the questions come from teens. Below, I want to show you the list of HOCD-related questions I received this month; I am hopeful that these question-askers can read through this list and understand that there are so, so many others going through the same experience right now.

Because I have said just about everything I think I can say about HOCD– and had several guest bloggers add their thoughts about HOCD– I am going to answer all of these questions in one response at the very end. I hope it will help.

I wanted to know if you can get aroused by the same sex and not be gay. I do this but the thought of being with the same sex repulses me. also I recently got a crush on someone of the opposite crush and I had a good feeling.   I get anxiety when thinking of being with the same sex for society reasons and just the fact of being gay. Sometime I feel gay, frustrated and not right.
I feel so scared. I don’t know for sure if I have HOCD or not, and I’ve been doing so much research on the topic that I’ve become bored of reading everything. But now I’m scared that this means I’d rather be gay, and that if I looked for treatment I’d just turn out to be gay. I don’t want to be, I’m even starting to doubt that, too and it’s scaring me so much. I don’t know what to do, anymore.
I’m a 14 yr old female and I was recently reading fanfiction smut aka sexual description and it was boy x girl, I was comfortable with it and then got a compulsion to look up girl x girl to see how I reacted, I read it and felt a little aroused but mainly disgusted, I think the arousal was left over from the earlier stuff but I can’t get it out of my head! I’ve had HOCD for a while now, help?
Just an update on my earlier post (I was the 14 year old smut one) I attempted to read another girl x girl story without reading boy x girl before and I had no reaction just a bit of grossed out-ness (I don’t mean to offend anyone). I wanted to also say that I have had anxiety age 7 and talked to a therapist about HOCD, so this isn’t new, and I have never had doubts that I wasn’t hetero before
Hi Jackie. I’m a female with hocd, and I’ve had it for nearly 1.5 years. I know it’s common to be uncomfortable and scared around your friends, but I just can’t stop being so anxious and terrified around my best friend. We talk normal and everything but as soon as I’m alone I start seeing her face in my head or the way she dresses and I dread seeing her. I don’t want to like her is this my OCD?
Hello! I believe I’m suffering HOCD (I’m 14-16), and I’ve definitely had it more than once (I was unaware though). I feel absolutely numb, devastingly though, I can tell my anxiety is lurking in the background. Although I don’t feel it quite yet. I still notice I’m very subtlety panicking and checking, but without the intensity of before. Is this normal? (Well obviously not, but you get my point).
Im a 14 year old girl who has been diagnosed with HOCD, and every time I think it’s gone I see something that brings it back. For instance today I saw an article about someone who thought they was straight and fell in love with a girl and here it comes again. Any suggestions as to how I can stop this cycle?
I have been struggling with unwanted, intrusive thoughts for almost a month now. It just started out of nowhere when this weird sounding voice in my head said, “I’m gay.” It didn’t feel like me at all, but I have suddenly lost all interest in boys (I’m a girl). I had a massive panic attack about this, and my medicine was changed. I am talking to a boy right now, but the thoughts keep coming back!
Sometimes I admire other girls and really wish I was them, but I don’t want to be with them, I just want to be them . . . I have HOCD and it scares me that it might be a crush and I just don’t know it? Sometimes I just get intense feelings of admiration and having HOCD makes me terrified! Any suggestions?
I am 15 years old and really confused. Before this I never worried about it and didn’t question it at all, because I would never be gay. Now these unwanted gay thoughts and urges are driving me crazy. I don’t know if I have HOCD because I was never diagnosed with OCD but I have always been an anxious person. Can puberty make me gay or is this just HOCD? I want my old life back so bad.
Hello! I am an 18 year old girl and believe I am suffering from HOCD. For my whole life, I have had crushes on guys NEVER on a girl (I did watch lesbian porn in the past and it’s really bothering me that I did). I wake up worried that my past was a lie and that i am a lesbian and just repressed it. I just moved in to college and these thoughts of “you’re probably a lesbian” will not leave me alone
I have been struggling with HOCD for over a month now. I hate the intrusive thoughts that I have. I went on a date with a guy I like a few days ago, and I had an amazing time! But now the thoughts are flooding back again, and they feel way more real this time. Please help!
Hi there, I believe I have suffered with hocd for 8 months now and I still doubt whether I am gay or not, growing up I used to be very shy and didn’t really do anything with girls, recently I have been looking at my past to see if there are any gay expierences. Can it take 8 months to realise your gay or is it all just hocd
I’m 15 and my hocd is pretty bad. When I was young I was a part of some “experimental” play and this is the origin of all these thoughts. Anyways I at this point feel way less anxiety but these thoughts are still always here. Whenever I look at a girl and she is pretty I know that I want that but I get worried because I don’t have the same reaction I used to. Is that normal

Hi my dear ones, my dear, dear ones.

I am so sorry for the torment you’re going through. I really am. Can you see above how you are not alone? I’m sure you feel alone because OCD is not something most of us like to talk about, not even with the people we’re closest to.

So, here is my best advice:

1. Please read the following posts:

HOCD
A Closer Look at HOCD
Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
A Big Ol’ HOCD Post
Another Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
A Third Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
A Fourth Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
Q&A with Former HOCD Sufferer
HOCD Story: Meet Mae, Part One
HOCD Story: Meet Mae, Part Two

Also, please check out the question and dancer tag since most of those questions are about HOCD.

2. Read about treatment:

Gaining Certainty through Embracing Uncertainty
Resisting treatment?

What life was like before & after CBT
Obsessing vs. Brainstorming: before & after
A Detailed Post about ERP
ERP is the RIGHT Answer
Better than a Band-Aid
Embracing Uncertainty
What CBT was like for me
Will treatment change me?
Why You Need CBT/ERP
Have Reservations about ERP?
Preparing for CBT/ERP
ERP & Imaginal Exposures
Uncertainty is the Key
The Problem with Seeking Reassurance

3. Decide on your next step. Here are your options:

A) Do nothing. This is not recommended. OCD usually continues to switch to harder and harder obsessions and compulsions the longer it is untreated.

B) Continue to educate yourself. This is always recommended because one of the ways we fight OCD is with education and knowledge. You might find that you are only at this step and can do no more at this time. That’s okay. Keep learning about OCD and ERP so that you are ready for the next step when it comes.

C) Pursue ERP on your own. If you choose to do this on your own, you will still want a book or app to guide you. Here are my suggestions:

Self-Directed ERP with a Book
Self-Directed ERP with an App

D) Pursue ERP with the help of a parent/loved one and a therapist. It is always up to you which people you feel safe telling about your OCD and how much detail you want to share. It is fine to say, “I have been doing research on my own and I believe I have OCD. I’d like to see a specialist for a diagnosis.” If you want your parent or friend to know more about what you are dealing with, feel free to send them to the top link. The second link will give you ideas on how to find and interview an ERP therapist.

HOCD: A Letter to Loved Ones
Finding and Interviewing an ERP Therapist

E) Consider meeting with a psychiatrist to add medication to your treatment plan. Don’t neglect ERP therapy in lieu of medication. Medication is best when combined with ERP therapy.

Medication vs. Exposure Therapy

4. Take that next step toward freedom. 

a step

 

HOCD Q&A with Hannah!

Well, folks, she’s back … the lovely Ms. Hannah, a former HOCD sufferer who has been featured on my blog in four previous interviews. I recommend you read them first so that you can be properly introduced to her and her story.

Interview #1white blank picture in the room
Interview #2
Interview #3
Interview #4

I keep an anonymous survey open year-round for people to submit HOCD questions, and when a number have gathered, I do another interview. The first question, however, was an anonymous comment on a blog post about Mae, another HOCD sufferer, who wrote, “I went to the gym a lot and if I thought a woman’s butt was hot, I was supposed to just appreciate her beauty and not doing anything else with the thought.”

Anonymous asks: What did she mean when she said that she appreciated women for their beauty? Did she mean sexually or just like “Oh they’re really pretty I want to be them”? I’m trying to do self ERP so I just want to make sure.

Hannah: I can’t speak for Mae, but for me, the exposure of “just appreciating a woman’s beauty” would not be the equivalent of “I want to be them.” It would be just what it says and nothing more– “That woman is beautiful. I like beauty.” There might be sexual feelings or arousal there as well, but that’s part of ERP too. The important thing is to let the thought just be a thought.

Anonymous asks: I’m a girl and I think I have HOCD, is it normal to picture having a husband and being calm about it then starting to picture having a wife and suddenly get anxiety over it? Thank you

Hannah: It’s normal if you have untreated HOCD! Now, after ERP, that thought wouldn’t give me anxiety. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have that thought anymore. It would be more likely for me to find myself physically attracted to a woman, but I don’t think in terms of “Oh, I wonder if I’m actually gay” anymore. ERP wiped that out of my brain– paradoxically, it did this by making me okay with the thoughts I hated and the uncertainty. Once I let uncertainty have its own way, it quit bothering me. I wasn’t a slave to it anymore; bored with me, it moved on.

Anonymous asks: Is it normal to feel LESS anxious about the intrusive thoughts after months?
Hannah: Three different answers to this question, Anon.
1) If you are not treating the HOCD with exposure therapy: yes, sure. The anxiety often advances and retreated for me in all my OCD themes, not just HOCD. But until I did ERP, things would just come back later– and worse.
2) If you are treating HOCD with exposure therapy: yes, that’s the goal. For me it took about three months of daily exposures before the anxiety went away.
3) If you not treating the HOCD and you’re less anxious about your intrusive thoughts but you’re actually sort of worried about that (i.e. you think you might just be growing accustomed to your “new” orientation*+), that’s also pretty common for people with HOCD. They sometimes start losing attraction to the gender they are typically attracted to. Problem here is … you’re probably not actually less anxious here. The fact that you asked the question at all reveals that there is still anxiety around the subject for you.
*I used apostrophes around “new” because although I definitely acknowledge gender fluidity, I don’t think the situation around HOCD means the same thing.
+Remember that HOCD afflicts both straight and gay people. OCD doesn’t discriminate.

Anonymous asks: why?

Hannah: I don’t know, honey. Depends on your worldview how you answer this one. I like to think that pain has a purpose and that those of us who suffer from mental illnesses will one day understand what the purpose was. Even if we don’t ever find out, I still believe that.

Anonymous asks: When you imagined “same-sex scenarios” in your head, did you actually think you enjoyed them?
Hannah: Yes and no. I mean, clearly, my response was tremendous anxiety, so no. But the anxiety came because I … thought? … I enjoyed them. OCD is a fucker.

Anonymous asks: I’m really young to have HOCD and I don’t want to tell anyone. I feel like I’m straight and I have always been attracted to the opposite gender. But now I’m scared what if I stop liking them?

Hannah: You poor dear! I was also young when HOCD first attacked me– 8th grade. What is that, 14? Everything that you write in your short three sentences indicates HOCD though. Jackie wrote a post that young people (or really anyone) with HOCD can share with their parents or loved ones so that the responsibility of explaining the disorder and what they need to treat it doesn’t rest on the sufferer. She’ll probably link it. [Jackie interjects: here it is!]

Anonymous asks: Hi, I read your articles and found myself in every word.After getting to know about HOCD I had a more peaceful like very peaceful week, but now the feeling are coming back and they start seeming so real. Could it be more than HOCD?
Hannah: Thanks for reading my other interviews! It’s so nice to know they are helping people! As I said in an answer above, OCD themes come and go, and the intensity comes and goes too, at least for me. I can’t tell you how many times (especially when I was younger) I thought I had “solved” my problems. Unfortunately, what would happen is that the problem would rear its ugly head a few weeks or a month later. OR a new– usually worse– issue or theme would begin. But when I did ERP therapy, that cycle stopped.
Anonymous asks: I feel very uncomfortable around lesbians and hay people because of my hocd. And part of me thinks that they are trying to make me one of them, a lesbian, by saying things like “you could go good with a girl” and it freaks me out! How do you control something like that? I hate my hocd and I’m %100 sure I have it. It doesn’t control me as much as when I first got it but I still get those nasty thoughts. These people are also a bad influence, how do I keep myself away from them?
Hannah: So, a couple thoughts here. I’m not sure if you meant that gay and lesbian people are a bad influence or if you just meant that the people you’re surrounded by are a bad influence. I hope the latter. Homosexual people are usually pretty awesome. Sure, there might be a bad apple in the bunch, but that’s going to happen with straight people too. That said, if the group of people you’re hanging around with are really, truly a bad influence on you, you need to speak up or duck out. The reason that I think you might mean that is that you said that they say things that freak you out and that you can’t control. Take the person aside and politely tell them, “It bothers me when you say X.” If you can’t say that to them, they are not very good friends. If you do have HOCD and one of your compulsions is avoidance of gay friends, then your exposure is to make sure you spend time with them. In general, the phrase “how do I keep myself away from X?” is not helpful in treating OCD of any stripe. In exposure therapy, you … well, expose yourself to X.
Anonymous asks: hey hannah im a fourteen year old girl whos been constantly worrying about her sexuality for about a year and a half now. one thing i can’t get over and i always revert back to is how when i was younger about 10 i would have lesbian fantasies before i would go to sleep. i dont think i ever wanted to do that with a girl however i would enjoy the fantasies. i cant seem to get over this and it doesnt seem to be a similar trait amongst straight people. could you please help
Hannah: Hi dearie! Oh how I can relate to being fourteen and dealing with HOCD! My heart goes out to you. Here is my honest-to-goodness thought: you wrote, “it doesnt seem to be a similar trait amongst straight people”; in reality, I think it’s probably pretty common and just not widely talked about. There is a scale that shows a person more about their sexual orientation, and it takes into account so many factors– past, present, future, as well as sexual attraction, sexual behavior, and sexual fantasies, those three being very different, and others. In other words, homosexual fantasies do not equal homosexual orientation.  I thought the scale was fascinating. THAT SAID, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM HOCD GO TAKE THIS. YOU HAVE A DISORDER THAT CAN SKEW THE RESULTS OF THIS QUIZ AND WHICH WILL MAKE TAKING THE QUIZ MISERABLE. Please do not Google it. If you Google it, baby puppies will die. And angels will not get their wings. Instead, do exposure and response prevention therapy. It can change your life. It changed mine.
Anonymous asks: More than a month ago, I suffered from HOCD. Then my mom showed me a website that talked about HOCD, which matched my condition. At first, I thought I was in denial! That website relieved me for a month and a half, until now. Well, two weeks ago, HOCD came back again. It comes and goes. I don’t know why. Sometimes, I feel totally heterosexual, while other times, I have doubts. It’s strange. Is this actually HOCD? Thanks!
Hannah: Neither Jackie nor I can diagnose you– you need to see a professional for that– but everything you are describing (including the “it comes and goes” and “I have doubts” and the fact that you were “relieved”) sounds like HOCD. Read up about HOCD and try ERP. Since you have already talked to your mom about this, it sounds like you two have a good, safe, close relationship. Explain to her about ERP therapy (and if you don’t know about it, go to http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD and read, read, read!) and ask her to help you meet with an ERP specialist.
Anonymous asks: I always have the impulse to look at girls butts and boobs and check if I’m “turned on”,did you have that problem when you had HOCD?
Hannah: Absolutely. I think this is probably THE most common compulsion for those of us with HOCD. In exposure therapy, you will need to stop the checking. It might sound impossible on the front end, but so many people suffering from HOCD and other types of OCD have done this successfully and now lead happy lives.
Anymous asks: Hey, your probably not gonna answer since this was a long time, but I have liked boys my whole entire life. I was always and happy and confindent with my sexuality. Im scared for my future especially since I am young and I want a husband and kids one day. I constantly look at people blogs, forums, support group pages because I feel relief im not alone and helps calm me down. I dont hang out with my friends or go outside anymore. I know deeply im gay. This fear all started when I was watching tv and saw 2 of the same-sex kissing and then the thought “am I gay” and started to panic. I cry almost everyday because i just dont want tl be gay ever. Anyways I did have intrusive thoughts like “your gay” every single day but I just let it be there. I don’t have intrusive thoughts anymore but it’s like im still scared to be gay. Im not bothered by the thoughts anymore which scare me. I still don’t want to talk to my friends or go outside, because when I went to instagram and saw a girl that was pretty and I had this feeling in my chest I don’t know what it is but I started to have a pabic attack. Then I would constantly ask myself ” wouldn’t I have liked girls when i was younger” or ” All my life I never liked girls and I only liked boys so why am I so worried. I don’t wanna be gay. But. Anyways I’ll start asking my questions. Is it possible to just become gay by a thought? …
Hannah: No.
 … Does it mean im gay because my intrusive thoughts are almost gone but im still worried to be gay? …
Hannah: No.
… I used to like this boy but now I don’t feel as attracted to him like before. I feel like my attraction for boys is gone. Does that mean I turning gay. …
Hannah: No.
… Thank you if you do answer and btw I am 15 years old and a girl. Sorry if I have grammar mistakes. I just don’t want to be who I was before hocd. I don’t want to be scared to go outside or go on some social media because I might see a girl. Please help.
Hannah: The best help for HOCD is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. Every OCD expert will tell you the same (note: I am not an OCD expert, but I still agree!). Take deep breaths and learn as much as you can about ERP. Then either find an ERP therapist or get a book written by an OCD expert that will guide you through doing ERP on your own. Jackie will link resources below.
Thanks, everyone! Great questions! Keep ’em coming!
Hey guys. Jackie here again. I want to thank all of you who posted such good questions, and I especially want to thank Hannah for generously taking the time to answer them all. As Hannah mentioned, resources follow. The very last link two links are for alternative ways to do ERP without meeting with a therapist.

HOCD Story: Meet Mae, Part 2

Yesterday on my blog, I introduced you to Mae. Today, her story continues with a detailed explanation of her experience with exposure therapy. (For more information about ERP, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD).

mae erp

First of all, if you go to a therapist and they tell you that you are not gay or try to tell you that it’s just a fantasy, look for someone else. This person does not understand ERP and OCD. The goal of ERP is to EXPOSE you to your deepest fears. I know that sounds like the most terrifying thing, especially if  your obsessions are causing so much anxiety.

I will continue to reiterate this- ERP CHANGED MY LIFE. I don’t say this lightly AT ALL. I was extremely doubtful when it first began that any change would take place. I was ready to fight this OCD beast, but I was also scared of what exposures I would have to do.

Your therapist will personalize your therapy to YOU.

At our initial consultation, my therapist helped me rate my anxiety and we started with the things that made me the least anxious and worked up front here. By the end of ERP, the things that once made me the most anxious were not as bad…

For me it began with a few different recordings, or scripts that I listened to several times per day. It also consisted of not allowing myself to continually ask for reassurance from family members, or google anything having to do with OCD. Anyone with OCD knows that the Internet is a big, dark, deep hole that is nearly impossible to escape once you enter.

I began by listening to the scripts and trying my damn hardest to not neutralize thoughts (ex: not telling myself “this isn’t me” or “I’m not really a lesbian”). I was supposed to just simply (was it really that simple?!) listen to the scripts. The first one began with my therapist recording a script in his voice. I listened to this script as much as possible over the course of 2 weeks (5-10 times per day). Some moments it didn’t cause much anxiety at all; at other moments it was EXCRUCIATING. Sometimes the anxiety was just my mind racing, while other times it was a sinking feeling or my chest would get tight. Sometimes, I just cried.

The next script was one in my voice. This one was a little more convincing and harder to listen to… I listened to this one for about 2 weeks as well.

After four weeks of scripts, my therapist and I came up with some “real-time” exposures. For instance, I didn’t avoid any articles that I saw on the Internet regarding homosexuality. I was supposed to read them or at least acknowledge them. I honestly had never really had issues with homosexuality or gay people before this thought popped into my life. I also didn’t have my heart skip a beat or a queasy feeling in my stomach when I would see any kind of news story on homosexuality before this obsession wreaked havoc on my life.

I also had to sit with different thought patterns I had. If I was with a same sex friend that I found attractive, I was supposed to just let my mind wander and let the thoughts be there. I wasn’t supposed to neutralize them or reassure myself.

I went to the gym a lot and if I thought a woman’s butt was hot, I was supposed to  just appreciate her beauty and not doing anything else with the thought. The gym was probably the hardest exposure for me because there were so many different variables. I wouldn’t know who would be there on any given day. For awhile I even avoided a class taught by someone who is openly gay. I thought going to her class would make me suddenly “become a lesbian” or she would know I was having these thoughts…

It wasn’t until about my tenth or eleventh session that I actually noticed my thoughts shifting. I went to 14 ERP sessions. It all depends, but my therapist said ERP can be anywhere from 10-20 sessions.

I am going to list a few things I that have improved in my life since ERP:

1. SLEEP!
2. Being present with friends and family (I felt like I was in a continual fog for quite a few months).
3. An enjoyment of begin at the gym, work, stores with out feeling like I am constantly checking between people.
4. The ability to read a book or watch a show without thoughts/obsessions/compulsions taking over.
5. Weight- I honestly kind of appreciated losing weight at first, but then it became real sucky to not enjoy food at all.
6. A renewed faith in God. I was very, very angry at God for quite some time. Mental illness is no joke. People don’t talk about it and its a very real thing to so many. My brother has struggled with a wide variety of OCD themes since he was 11. This journey has actually made us a lot closer.
7. I have become more “selectively vulnerable.” If I notice someone seems to be struggling, I gently ask some questions. If anxiety, depression, etc. come up I tell them a piece of my journey. I KNOW that my story has been used to impact others. Also, Jackie Lea’s vulnerability helped me to get help. We are all part of this OCD/ERP puzzle.
8. Work- I enjoy my job so much, but during this struggle it was really difficult for me to focus. I actually feel like I have improved at my job since ERP.
9. I’ve embraced the fact that each day is new. You might still experience setback, frustrations, fear, doubt… Yet, each moment and each day are new.
10. People with OCD have been said to be some of the most intelligent and creative people. I will own that. 😉 For real though, I’ve started doing more creative art projects to really hone in on that gift that I’ve been given. I’ve also looked at my “steel trap” memory as an asset instead of a curse. During my darkest days of OCD, I would get so incredibly frustrated by my ability to recall the most random, detailed memories in my life. Now, I use this skill to make people feel valued and honored by acknowledging important details about them.
11. Sex is something I look forward to now. For a period of time, I was going through the motions in every area of life. I actually feared sex with my husband  because I was worried that the thought would pop in during something that was supposed to be enjoyable.

12. Our family went on a big trip this past year and I was honestly dreading it all year. I thought it would be awful. The trip was actually planned right around the time OCD kicked in. I thought, “There is no way I will be doing better in a year.”

With the trip, I was worried about being away from home, I was concerned that OCD would creep back in with its ugly tactics, I thought that OCD would rob me of experiences on a trip that was intended to be lovely. Guess what?! I had a great time on the trip. It was lovely. I enjoyed it so much, which I consider a huge victory.

I want to once again clarify something. OCD will not completely disappear for many people by doing ERP. What it will do is rewire your brain. I would say my symptoms have improved by 85-90%, which is HUGE. The times that OCD likes to sneak back in are when I am stressed, tired, or duing my menstrual cycle. During these times, I remember to do lots of self care. I make sure I set healthy boundaries, take walks, baths, whatever feels best at that time to make sure I am ok.

Note from Jackie: Thank you for sharing, Mae! I would love to interview someone with HOCD who is homosexual, as HOCD effects both straight and gay people. Both of the people I’ve interviewed so far on this blog have been straight. If you are gay and have struggled with HOCD (in which you doubted your homosexuality and feared you might be straight) and have underwent exposure therapy, contact me! I’d love to feature your story on my blog– anonymously, if you prefer!

HOCD Story: Meet Mae, Part 1

I “met” Mae online about a year ago, when she reached out to me after finding my website. What began as some advice-giving developed into a friendship, and it’s been incredible to watch Mae blossom over the last year as she underwent the difficult, incredible choice of exposure therapy to treat her OCD.

She used to read the “Interviews with a Former HOCD Sufferer” (Interview #1Interview #2Interview #3, Interview #4), and this weekend I asked her if she would be willing to tell her own HOCD story on my blog. She graciously agreed.

Today she’ll share more about her experience with HOCD, and tomorrow she’ll share about her experience with exposure therapy. Mae is terrifically detailed and vulnerable in her story, and I know that will benefit so many of my blog readers.

Thanks,
Jackie

mae hocd

Where do I even begin…

I’ve always been a bit of an “internally anxious person.” When I look back on my life, i had different unwanted thoughts, but it was much easier to dismiss them.

One night after a particularly stressful week at school, my husband and I were having sex (which is normally quite enjoyable!) and the thought “what if I’m a lesbian?” popped into my brain OUT OF NOWHERE.

I could not sleep. Eating was extremely difficult. I lost 20 pounds. I felt like I was in a continual fog. From the moment I woke up to the moment that I attempted to fall asleep, I had continual thoughts surrounding this theme. Sometimes my brain would get bored with the “what ifs” and it would twist and turn things to different things like “you don’t really love your husband” or “hey, check out that co-worker’s butt.” I would walk through a store and continually ask myself, “Is that woman attractive or do I find that man more attractive?”

Every piece of my identity that I had ever known seemed to be crashing before me.

Sometimes I didn’t feel physical anxiety, it was more of a mind game. My head was CONSTANTLY racing with so many competing thoughts. It was extremely exhausting.

Every little thing became an obsession. “Did I like my best friend, she has great boobs and she is smart.” “My instructor at the gym is a lesbian, does she know I’m having these thoughts?” “I’ve always liked boys, I even remember my first crush in elementary school.” “Do I dress feminine enough?” Every.little.thing. consumed me.

OCD likes to latch onto something that is central to our identity or a theme that is close to us. This thought was all consuming for 3-5 months. I tried EVERYTHING. I did mindfulness exercises, I prayed, I tried to eat “whole foods,” I did acupuncture, I worked out SO much, I tried essential oils, I tried natural supplements. I was desperate, but SO SCARED to go on meds and SO SCARED to try ERP. [Jackie interjects: ERP = exposure and response prevention therapy. This is the frontline treatment for OCD.]

I went to three different counselors before I found one that truly did ERP. Do not be dismayed if that freaks you out. I didn’t really understand what ERP was until the tail end of my therapy search. I thought CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and ERP were the exact same thing. They are not. ERP is the BEST possible thing you could do for yourself.  I cannot say that I am “cured” or that I waved a magic wand and my obsessive thoughts went away. What I can say is this, for 13 months I felt like I was in hell on Earth in so many ways. I can now say the only time the obsessive thoughts bother me is during my menstrual cycle. Sometimes I will still get a bothersome though outside of my cycle, but now I’m able to let the thought float on by. Whereas 13 months ago these thoughts consumed SO many hours of my day. These were hours that I could have been enjoying time with family, friends, my husband, and I could have been enjoying delicious food too! I had ZERO appetite for quite some time. It sucked.

I can now say that 90% of my life is great thanks to ERP and medication. I understand and honor any individual’s choice on medication. I was very, very skeptical of going on meds. I finally had to acknowledge that a combination of ERP therapy and medication helped SO much.

I’ve accepted and acknowledged that its perfectly normal and ok to enjoy someone else’s appearance (same sex or opposite). We are sexual beings created to admire beauty. I still fully love my husband and find him incredibly attractive. Do I still admire some women’s butts or their outfits? YES! And, instead of that thought and admiration cycling out of control into n endless number of questions I  let the thought be there.

I have written my ERP therapist since finishing session with him. I continually have told him how grateful I am for the work and transformation that took place in my life. Therapy sessions are over, but ERP is a continual practice. It gives you tools in your toolbox to live a healthy life, one that isn’t consumed by doubt, questioning, and anxiety.

The biggest thing I want each of you suffering with HOCD to know is: You are brave. You can do hard things. ERP is scary, but if you are willing to put in the hard work and effort the flip side is incredibly worth it.

HOCD Questions?

Out of the OCD sufferers I hear from, 9 out of 10 are battling HOCD.

In the past, a friend “Hannah,” who has come out on top of HOCD, has been happy to answer questions about her hocd questionsexperience with HOCD.

Hannah’s 1st Interview
2nd Interview
3rd Interview

If you have HOCD-related questions for Hannah, please read the above interviews first to see if she has already answered them. If not, you can anonymously submit your question(s) for Hannah by clicking here.

Once I collect a handful of questions for her, I’ll send them her way and post the answers!

Thanks!

HOCD More Prevalent Than You Think

Anecdotally, I hear from more OCD sufferers dealing with HOCD than with any other kind.

Statistically, my HOCD posts get the most traffic on my blog (see graphic below).

HOCD sufferers, please know you’re not alone.

I invite you to read my interviews with “Hannah,” a former HOCD sufferer who now lives in freedom from HOCD (part one | part two).

Leave your questions below, and if I get enough, I’ll do a third interview with Hannah!

HOCD stats.jpg

 

Other related posts:
HOCD
A Closer Look at HOCD
A Big Ol’ HOCD Post
OCD Help

Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer

interviewHey peeps!  Since I’ve been getting so much traffic on my blog in regard to HOCD (homosexual OCD), I thought I’d do another post on it.  This interview is with “Hannah,” who tells me she is ready to bare all (except for her real name, ha!) for the sake of helping others better understand HOCD, that obsessive-compulsive phenomenon where a straight person obsesses over being gay or a gay person obsesses over being straight.  

I think you’ll enjoy this interview.  Hannah said there was no question too personal, so I really went for it!  🙂  If you have additional questions, leave them in the comment section, and maybe we can force more truths out of Hannah.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to make a statement on homosexuality itself.  It’s intended to open up our eyes to HOCD, which is a lie that both straight and homosexual obsessive-compulsive people battle with.  It’s not about the morality of homosexuality– it’s about people who believe lies about their sexuality at the hand of OCD.  My blog readers are ahhh-may-zing, so I doubt I even need to say this, but nevertheless: if comments get mean or stray away from the topic of HOCD, they will be deleted.  You’re a fool if you think I’ll let you bash any of my friends, gay or straight.

Jackie: Tell us a little about your history with HOCD.
Hannah: I was in junior high when I first started questioning if I was gay.  It came on really suddenly, like, in a MOMENT.  One minute I was this boy-crazy girl and the next I wondered if maybe I was gay.  But the thing was, I didn’t want to be gay … at all.  AT ALL.

Jackie: What triggered this sudden change?
Hannah: I found one of my (girl) friends attractive.  OCD doesn’t need something big to work with.  It will take whatever you’ll give it.

Jackie: What was your reaction?
Hannah: Cold dread.  I mean, I was terrified.  I didn’t want to be gay.  I wanted to like men– I DID like men– but suddenly it was all I could think about.  Every girl I would see, I would think, “Do I think she is pretty?” and then, of course, I had to take it a step farther: “Would I want to kiss her?”  Every girl, I’d start imagining myself kissing her.  It made me sick.

Jackie: It made you sick?  Readers will wonder how you didn’t realize then that you weren’t gay, you know!
Hannah:  Yes, I know.  Because it doesn’t FEEL obvious.  I kept focusing on what I was doing: thinking of kissing every girl.  That felt like evidence that I was gay.  The fact that it made me sick barely registered, for some reason.  I guess it’s just how OCD works.  It’s all very confusing.  Well, then of course, there was the fact that I DO think girls are beautiful.  Sometimes more beautiful than men.  Their bodies definitely are.  Most of us can agree to that, haha!

Jackie: So there was a part of you that found women attractive then?
Hannah: Yes.  There still is.  Women are hot!

Jackie: But you’re not gay?  Or maybe bisexual?  I know I already know these answers, but I think this will help my blog readers process things.
Hannah: No, your questions are fine.  I told you anything goes, right?  Haha!  No, I’m not gay, and I’m not bisexual either.  I know that now.  And the key to learning that was learning to be uncertain, as opposite as that sounds.

Jackie: Okay, we’ll dive into that more in a bit here.  But tell us more about what happened when you first started wondering about it.
Hannah: Well, I couldn’t STOP wondering about it.  Like I said, every girl I saw, I thought about kissing her.  I think it was like my way of “testing” myself– to see what my instincts would tell me, to see what I really wanted.  I hated doing this though.  This was the compulsion actually for me.  The “testing” was like what you talk about about seeking reassurance.  If I thought about kissing the girl and it still made me sick, then I was still okay, still not gay.  (Again, no offense to your gay readers!  This was just my experience.)  I thought about this so much that one night I had a DREAM where, in it, I kissed a girl.  When I woke up, I thought for sure I was gay.  I was having gay dreams!

Jackie: It carried over from real life!
Hannah: I know that now.  But it felt like this stamp of homosexuality.  I was so scared.  I didn’t want to tell my family that I was gay.  I still didn’t even WANT to be gay.  Oh, and this one thing.  I still liked boys.

Jackie: So, you didn’t want to like women, you felt sick about liking women, you ACTUALLY liked men, but you still thought you might be gay?
Hannah: It’s OCD.  It feels confusing.  You know what it’s like.

Jackie: I do.  I really do.  So, what changed?  You’re pretty confident now in your sexuality, yes?
Hannah: I am!  And it feels awesome!  I love knowing I’m straight– and get this, this is so good– I can even appreciate the female body now, and I am not joking, I could see a NAKED WOMAN today and I could GET TURNED ON BY HER and I would STILL know I am straight.  Because I am.

Jackie: And that came about how?
Hannah: Exposure and response prevention therapy.  You preach it.  I preach it.  Cue Hallelujah chorus.

Jackie: You could see a naked woman and get turned on by seeing a naked woman, and you still wouldn’t doubt your sexuality?
Hannah: Not for one second.  I’m as straight as they come.  I love men.  I want to be married to a man someday and have sex with a man and build my life with a man, and it doesn’t make me flinch to say that I think boobs are hot.  Like, super hot.

Jackie: You’re hilarious.  You’ve come so far!  I’m sure there are HOCD sufferers out there who can’t imagine admitting something like that.  And people who are probably thinking you must be bisexual if you feel that way.
Hannah: Haha!  People can think that all they want!  I am FREE from my HOCD and totally straight.

Jackie: You’ve come so far through ERP.  It’s amazing, right?
Hannah: Amazing, for sure.  And hard.  But good.  It made me able to think clear finally.  If I like men and want to be romantic with men and DON’T want to be that way with women, then I am not gay.  It’s obvious, like you said.  And the more I realized that I am in control of my own response to it, the more freedom I found.  That’s why I can say women are hot.  Doesn’t bother me anymore.

Jackie: So, your advice?
Hannah: ERP.  For sure.  Best treatment out there.  For the gay obsessive-compulsives too, the ones who obsess that they are straight and that causes them as much anxiety as the opposite thought caused me.  ERP is absolutely the best treatment for OCD.  I know you know that.

Jackie: I absolutely do.  Do you still struggle with OCD?  Not just HOCD, but other obsessions and compulsions?
Hannah: Rarely.  ERP kinda took care of OCD, you know?  Instead of just one issue, it went after OCD itself.  I know you know these things, but your readers need to know.  ERP is the solution.  A one-stop shop.

Jackie: And you think women are more attractive than men?
Hannah: I think the female body is more attractive, but I am attracted TO men.

Jackie: But you know you’re not gay?
Hannah: Yep.  But that certainty only came through embracing UNCERTAINTY, the whole point of ERP.

There you have it, folks.  

My thanks goes out big-time to Hannah for her willingness to be interviewed and her awesome vulnerability.  The bottom line is ERP is the best treatment for OCD.  

In other words, just what I’ve been saying on this blog for the last two years. 🙂

Related posts:
Another Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
No One Wants to Talk about HOCD
A Closer Look at HOCD
A Big Ol’ HOCD Post
A Third Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer