Asking the Tough Questions

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confused boyThe Wednesday before Easter, my dear friend Ashley and I went to a performance of “Kingdom Undone,” which was showing at the Southern Theater in Minneapolis.  This was a story of days leading up to Christ’s death, but the emphasis … was on Judas Iscariot.

The betrayer.  The traitor.  But in this play, a lover of Christ who misunderstood just what the coming of Christ’s kingdom would truly look like.  A zealous believer who thought he was doing what was right, even what was needed of him.

It was fascinating.  Afterward, Ashley and I could not quit talking about Judas and his role in Christ’s death, both of us eager to return to Scripture to measure our thoughts against Truth.

I want Judas to be redeemed.  So badly.  Mostly because I think that would make for the best story.

That alarmed me for a little bit, made me really uncomfortable.  Was I imagining that I could make an “improvement” on the gospel story (if Judas was not under grace)?  The gospel is my FAVORITE story.  It’s like how I’d feel if someone wanted to change the ending to The Last Battle or something.  (Potentially– I still have not totally landed on what I think was Judas’ fate.  Although scripture does say, “Satan entered into him.”  But we also do know that he regretted his choices– deeply.)

Anyway, it’s good for this obsessive-compulsive to sit with troublesome uncertainty.  Once upon a time, these kinds of questions would have collapsed me, but now I’ve learned to sit with them.

…

Another of my friends emailed me this week with an unrelated faith crisis as she struggles to reconcile the (vengeful, confusing, sometimes bloodthirsty) God of the Old Testament with the (merciful, loving, gracious) Christ of the New Testament.  They are, after all, one and the same.  But she loves Jesus, she told me, and is pissed at the OT God and trying to struggle her way through the dissonance.

I wonder the same thing sometimes too.  The Old Testament and New seem so vastly different.  But I know that the Law was a tutor to lead us to Christ, and I know that the God of the Old Testament orchestrated the whole beautiful gospel from before time began, so they do flow together.  I know that God welcomed Gentiles like me in order to make Israel jealous, and I am forever grateful to be a wild shoot grafted into the natural tree.

This post doesn’t have a lot of answers, and I think that’s okay.  I’m learning to ask the tough questions and to sit without an answer, wait in that uncomfortable silence because God is still holy there.

Jackie’s Book Awards

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Inspired by Tara, The Librarian Who Doesn’t Say Shhh, and her end-of-the-year Superlatives Awards.

I. Books

Book I’m always recommending: Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta

Best re-telling of a popular story: Tiger Lily by Jodi Lynn Anderson (it’s a fresh look at Peter Pan)

Best companion book: Fire by Kristin Cashore (companion to Graceling, but it works as a standalone)

Most original and imaginative: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Biggest tear-jerker: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, followed closely by A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

Like reading my own biography: Kissing Doorknobs by Terri Spencer Hesser

Most interesting premise: Every Day by David Levithan and Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Deepest meaning: The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

Best prose: three-way tie between The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson and Peace Like a River by Leif Enger and The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle

Best story arc in a series: Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

Everything-Falls-Into-Place Award: When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead and HP & the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling and Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

Creepiest: This is Not a Test by Courtney Summers

Best book for boys: tie between Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card and Wrestling Sturbridge by Rich Wallace

Hard book to get into but totally worth it: That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis

Best short stories: The Facts Behind the Helsinki Roccamatios by Yann Martel and The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

II. Characters

Most different character: tie between Stargirl Carraway of Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli and Quintana of Froi of the Exiles and Quintana of Charyn by Melina Marchetta

Best boyfriend: three-way tie between Augustus Waters (The Fault in Our Stars), Jonah Griggs (Jellicoe Road), and Will Trombal (Saving Francesca)

Most chilling: Mr. Loomis in Z for Zachariah

Best best friends: Taylor and Raffy in Jellicoe Road and Harry, Ron, and Hermione in Harry Potter

Best animal character: Charlotte A. Cavatica in Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White

Best narrator: Death in The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Sweetest child: Eva in Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

Most changed character: Jean Valjean in Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

Character I want to be friends with: Rae in Rosie by Anne Lamott

Character I love to hate: Dolores Umbridge in HP & the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Character I just plain hate: Simon Price in The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling

Character you want to live next door to: Sam Hamilton in East of Eden by John Steinbeck and Chaz Santangelo in Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta

III. Scenes

Best theological discussion in fiction: a large portion of Perelandra by C.S. Lewis and East of Eden by John Steinbeck

Most intense scene: Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis

Steamiest scene: Jace and Clary, all the time, but especially in City of Glass and City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

Best sexual tension: Perry and Aria while he teaches her how to tell if berries are poisonous (yes, really!) in Under the Never Sky by Veronica Rossi

Sweetest: when Eleanor and Park hold hands for the first time in Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell

Most disturbing: you’ll know it when you read it in Unwind by Neal Shusterman (I thought I was going to throw up)

Most fascinating conversation in the face of great danger: walking through the Red Bull’s lair in The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle

Best opening line: “What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died?” in Love Story by Erich Segal

Biggest cliffhanger: Froi of the Exiles by Melina Marchetta

girl reading

My Mixed Feelings about Book Series

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I have complicated feelings regarding book series.

On the one hand, I dislike them.  They seem like an opportunity to milk a cash cow, and they require such a huge investment on the reader’s behalf.  There is something unsatisfying about a to-be-continued ending.  I also wonder if the author wasn’t able to come up with any new, fresh ideas.

On the other hand, Harry Potter.  The Chronicles of Narnia.  The Lumatere Chronicles.

On a THIRD hand (I know, I know), it’s fun to be with beloved characters all over again.

On a fourth hand (get over it), if you really love-love-LOVED a book, it’s really hard for future books to compete.  Agree?

I don’t know.  If I see a book that looks good to me and then I see behind it “(Series Name, #1),” I think, Oh please no.  And I usually skip it.  I suppose that, in the end, it all comes down to the quality of writing, the belovedness of the characters, and the value of the story.  Which is why Narnia will last the test of time and– as a guess– the Pretty Little Liars series will not.

Do you like book series?  Why or why not?

a series I have NO desire to read

a series I have NO desire to read

 

Dark Promises

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One of the worst bouts of intrusive thoughts I’ve had occurred for me in high school.  For a time, my intrusive thoughts were “God, I promise that I will …”

It could be something stupid.  Touch this lamp.  Not eat toast.  

But more often, it was something more difficult, a much bigger deal.  The one that kept forcing its way into my mind was, “God, I promise that I will go to hell.”

Well, that was a conundrum, eh?

I was a wreck.  I kept picturing myself getting to heaven’s gate and once I stepped inside those pearly gates– well, just doing so would then be breaking a promise to God (i.e., sinning), and then, wouldn’t I then get thrown out of heaven for my sin?

I was screwed either way.

Or so I thought.

But you can’t believe everything you think.  AMEN.

Has anyone else had intrusive thoughts similar to these?

dark promise

Sites & Services I Love

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Today I just wanted to highlight a few websites and products that I’m currently in love with.  Who knows– maybe one of them will be exactly what you’ve been looking for!

Spotify | Available at spotify.com for Facebook users in the US, this service has pretty much eliminated my need to purchase music anymore.  It’s like uncluttered, easy-to-use, ethical Napster (not to date myself with that reference!).  With Spotify, I have access to almost all of the world’s recorded music, and I can create playlists galore and explore all I want FOR FREE.  It makes finding new music fun instead of expensive or tedious.  And every time you listen to a song, money goes to the song’s rights-holder.

Fishpond | I happen to deeply enjoy several Australian authors, and I don’t always like to wait for the US release date (which is sometimes 6-9 months later than the Australian release date!).  At fishpond.com, I can order products from other countries and pay NO shipping costs!  Incredible, right?  Great for books and music not available (or not YET available) in the US.

Fotoflexer | Whenever I need to create or edit images for my blog, I use fotoflexer.com.  It is very intuitive and easy to use and has a WIDE variety of available fonts.  It is not a perfect replacement of the now-defunct Picnik, but it’s pretty good!

Etsy | If I need to purchase a fun, one-of-a-kind gift, I immediately head to etsy.com, do-not-pass-GO.  Right now I’m drooling over this purse, this tea towel, and these shoes.

 

 

Writing a Novel

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“Writing a novel is a terrible experience … It is a plunge into reality and it’s very shocking to the system.”
Flannery O’Connor

I began my slow transformation into becoming a novelist about five years ago; I don’t know exactly at what point I crossed over the invisible line, but I think it’s safe now to say that I am a novelist.  An amateur one, but a novelist nonetheless.

I could probably describe the experience differently every single day, if I took the time to nail down the emotions.  Some days, writing a novel feels like sitting in God’s will.  Sometimes it feels like a journey.  Sometimes, a rollercoaster.

Tonight, writing a novel feels selfish– but probably not in the way that you’re thinking.  I’m not the one who feels selfish.  I’m the one who feels a little ripped off, actually.  It’s the novel writing itself that seems selfish.  Let me tell you what I mean.

While I am writing a story, I live and breathe that story.  I think about the characters throughout the day.  I cry when I don’t know how to fix their problems.  They break my heart and hurt my feelings.  I see the sky and think, There should be a pink morning in my book.  I hear a co-worker tell a joke and wonder, Is my story funny?  I read a book and realize, A motif!  That is what I need– a motif!!

book friendsBut when I try to set the story aside– not for long, just a week or two– so that I can try my hand at something else (a poem, some flash fiction, brainstorming for the next novel), it cries out to me.  Don’t forget about us.  Don’t let other things cloud your vision.  We refuse to let you push Pause on us.  

See what I mean?  Selfish things.

(The truth is, though, that I miss them.)

But still.  Just a poem.  Or a short scene to post on my blog.  How about a tiny little story just to flex some different muscles?

We thought you loved us! my novel whines.

So I grouse and write about fourteen versions of one crappy first sentence, then say, Forget it, and write a blog post about how I’m a crazy writer whose novel writing takes on a life of its own, an absolutely insane writer who is subject to characters she made up, an out-of-her-mind writer who just wants to work on her novel.

Resurgence: When OCD Attacks a Freed Mind

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It’s hard to know exactly what caused it, but the last two weeks have been pretty hard for me, OCD-wise.  And this is coming after four years that were, for the large part, obsession- and compulsion-free.

Blah.

I was feeling weak and exhausted for various reasons when the  intrusive thoughts started up again.  I don’t know if OCD noticed a chink in my armor and decided to go for it or what– but out of nowhere, those old intrusive thoughts started up again.

Then, one week ago, I posted about my darkest, lowest days, and in some ways, that blog post worked as a trigger.  On Tuesday night, for the first time in SO, SO LONG, I started to revisit those old doubts about my salvation.  It felt so ugly after such a beautiful four-year stretch of freedom and joy.

But.

I have tools now.  I walked myself through the obsession: It is POSSIBLE that I am going to hell … but it is not LIKELY.  I practiced an old exposure.  I reminded myself of the promises of scripture, and I emailed my girlfriends and asked them to pray and to NOT reassure me.  And they were total rockstars and did exactly as I requested.

And you know what?

Tuesday ended up being an isolated event.  It felt like such a slippery slope, like all I have won was going to be torn from me.  But it wasn’t.  I’d still appreciate prayers and NO reassurances, but this last week was a reminder for me that OCD-in-remission is in some ways just a sleeping giant.

Not that I will tiptoe around it.  I will not fear it again, only fight it.

sleeping giant2