Resurgence: When OCD Attacks a Freed Mind

It’s hard to know exactly what caused it, but the last two weeks have been pretty hard for me, OCD-wise.  And this is coming after four years that were, for the large part, obsession- and compulsion-free.

Blah.

I was feeling weak and exhausted for various reasons when the  intrusive thoughts started up again.  I don’t know if OCD noticed a chink in my armor and decided to go for it or what– but out of nowhere, those old intrusive thoughts started up again.

Then, one week ago, I posted about my darkest, lowest days, and in some ways, that blog post worked as a trigger.  On Tuesday night, for the first time in SO, SO LONG, I started to revisit those old doubts about my salvation.  It felt so ugly after such a beautiful four-year stretch of freedom and joy.

But.

I have tools now.  I walked myself through the obsession: It is POSSIBLE that I am going to hell … but it is not LIKELY.  I practiced an old exposure.  I reminded myself of the promises of scripture, and I emailed my girlfriends and asked them to pray and to NOT reassure me.  And they were total rockstars and did exactly as I requested.

And you know what?

Tuesday ended up being an isolated event.  It felt like such a slippery slope, like all I have won was going to be torn from me.  But it wasn’t.  I’d still appreciate prayers and NO reassurances, but this last week was a reminder for me that OCD-in-remission is in some ways just a sleeping giant.

Not that I will tiptoe around it.  I will not fear it again, only fight it.

sleeping giant2

16 thoughts on “Resurgence: When OCD Attacks a Freed Mind

  1. Thank you for this post, Jackie. My son also continues to do well, but I know OCD is never far away. It is comforting for me to know you feel you can fight it and win…………when and if the time comes for him to do the same, I know he also has the tools.

  2. I’m so glad that you got out your tools and set to work! It’s encouraging to know that others, even when faced with the old intrusive thoughts, can fight and triumph. You inspire me!

    • Oh, thanks, Tina! I wasn’t sure whether I should publish this post or not because it seemed like such a downer, but I’m glad I did. I’ve never lied on this blog before, so why would I start holding back now?

  3. Thanks for sharing this, Jackie. Though I’ve not experienced the almost complete recovery that you have, I still worry about the progress I’ve made and that it too is like a sleeping giant that will awaken any moment and all my forward momentum will all roll back downhill. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling lately. But I agree with you, you have the tools and you’ve overcome it before, and you can certainly overcome it again. I’m proud of you for keeping on keeping on!

    • Thanks Sunny! It has been a WEIRD couple of weeks– I’ve gotten so used to not having to deal with the intrusive thoughts, so it’s been weird to have them crop up again. But you’re right– I know how to handle them this time around!!

  4. Here’s to you and your victory! It’s so easy to slip and yet you fought the OCD and didn’t let it take over. I hope you celebrated. You’re pretty much a rockstar, just saying ;-p

  5. Hey Jackie. Sorry to hear about your resurgence of ocd. My heart truly breaks for you. But you were so strong not asking for reassurance. That gives me hope that one day I will be as strong as you one day!

    • Oh Aj, you’re so sweet. 🙂 It’s clear as day to me now, isn’t that crazy? Like, I KNOW what works, so that’s what I ask for. It’s weird to have a strange rush of intrusive thoughts, but at the same time, I feel super informed at fighting it back! 🙂

      Can’t wait for you to experience this … well, power, I guess is what it is. 🙂

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