Lately

I am just so tired. No, that’s the wrong word. I am well rested. I guess I’m exhausted… emotionally, mentally.

Online dating is a really great way to feel like a piece of meat. I’ve heard from about 300 guys just since the start of the year, and it’s mostly made me sad.

Writing is such a beautiful thing, and it is usually life-giving to me, but lately, it’s been a battle just to open up my manuscript.

My friends are incredible… but going through some very hard things. I want to support them well, but that takes energy too. 

I have zero dollars. Please save me, tax return.

All in all, life is so good, so lovely and exciting and challenging. I’m just exhausted, that’s all. 

Psychiatrist on Monday morning. I need to see if any part of this is chemical. 

How are you, lovelies? What are your best suggestions for free/cheap self care?

Dear Diary

run-overGood grief, 2017 is running me over like a Mack truck.

Then again, I’m still standing. I’m still moving forward. I can smile. I can (mostly) think straight. I’m doing really well with my creative goals. I know we’re only three weeks into the new year, but I’ve read a book a week, have blogged every week, am learning something new almost every day (though I need to be more intentional about writing things down), and feel really good about getting back to work on Salt Novel.

I had a great conversation with my editor on Wednesday, and I feel like we are on the same page (or pretty close!), and that is such a relief. Now I’m doing a little brainstorming this weekend and then BACK TO WORK on the story next week. I’m excited. I haven’t worked on it in nearly three months (!!!). It was a much needed break, but I’m ready to go again.

And my 35th birthday was wonderful! I felt very loved, and a handful of people even donated to help with the refugee crisis. I’m so honored and so in love with my crew.

So, you’re probably thinking: just what has been so hard about 2017 then, Jackie?

lot of panic and anxiety. Realizing I have old wounds that never healed properly. I’ve taken about 10 Ativan pills in the course of two weeks. That’s probably more than I took in the whole six months preceding it. It’s okay. My friends and coworkers have been so exceptionally kind and thoughtful and supportive.

That said, God’s got me. My friends and family do too. And Northwestern. And I am learning so much about myself– honestly, so much. Some are things I really like.

How cool is that: to like myself again.

Maybe 2017 will be good after all.

 

It’s my party and I’ll solicit donations if I want to …

I turn 35 today. What a wild, lovely, desperate, lonely (at times), redeemed 35 years it has been.

In the past year, my heart has been increasingly burdened on behalf of the refugee crisis. I’ve seen photos that haunt me, heard stories that shake me to the core, stories that challenge my courage.

If my blog has meant something to you, would you consider donating five bucks to one of these organizations for my birthday? Whether you’ve been along for the ride since this blog began in 2011 or whether you’re a brand-new follower, you are welcome here, no strings attached. I just thought my birthday might be an appropriate platform to solicit your help.

Here are the two organizations I’m promoting. I hope you’ll watch one or both videos to get a feel for them.

Preemptive Love Coalition (donate here!) | I love their core values: Love anyway.* Show up. Get out of the way.

 

Whitney Gerdes with International Association for Refugees (donate here; choose “Gerdes” from drop-down menu!) | This dear friend and former coworker is the woman who opened my eyes to … so much. I can’t begin to explain just how much Whitney has made me a better person just by knowing her, listening to her, letting her wisdom seep into my heart. She is a powerful, humble, FUN, and incredible person. And she followed her calling over to Europe to do trauma-based education with refugees. Would you be willing to give five dollars to her work?

 

* Love anyway. 

love-anyway

This is PLC’s heart. This is Whitney’s heart.

This is what I want for my birthday. Will you let me know if you give? It would give me a birthday thrill.

Operation: Adulting

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I turn 35 in January. I need to get my crap together.

I’m developing a plan.

So far:

1. I created a budget. I used mint.com. It’s free and quite brilliant actually. It takes a little bit to set things up, but once you’ve linked up all your accounts, it’s smooth like butter. I was pretty darn thorough– and I was also pretty reasonable with myself, knowing my spending habits.

2. I subscribed to nearly ALL of my recurring expenses. If you use target.com, you 1) get free shipping, 2) get 5% off, 3) set how often you want your items to ship, and 4) avoid the store. For me, avoiding the store is a three-way win: I hate stores, I don’t give myself the opportunity to impulse buy, and I save time, which is honestly a more precious commodity to me than even the money.

I created a fancy little spreadsheet, figured out all the costs, and for all of 2017, I will spend only $895.36 on contact solution, toothbrushes, toothpaste, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, dry shampoo (for the win!!), toilet paper, feminine products, laundry detergent, dryer sheets, makeup remover, deodorant [all from Target] plus three different vitamins [via The Vitamin Shoppe] plus two just-for-fun subscriptions. FOR A YEAR. (This is good for me– maybe some of you are laughing at me right now! I honestly don’t know what is a “normal” cost because I’m soooo bad with my spending.) Oh, and I get my razors through Dollar Shave Club (Interested? Sign up AT THIS LINK and I get credits!)

By the way, this hasn’t been an all-at-once thing for me. I’ve been moving into the world of online subscriptions for a few years now. It’s incredible.

3. I’m TRYING to take the time to cook … and to think ahead so that I have a plan for WHAT to cook … and get the appropriate groceries for it (which– shocker– I also order online).

4. I’m figuring out how often I need to go to the chiropractor and therapist in order to stay healthy.

5. I’m developing plans for reading, writing, and exercise.

6. For the first time in my adult life, even books are included in my budget.

7. I think I need a mentor.

8. Online dating. (For now just online window shopping.)

9. More to come.

Did you like how this list when from ULTRA-DETAILED to totally vague?

IT’LL COME.

Tomorrow is December 1st, which gives me one month till the new year starts.

My roommate always gives each new year a name– The Year of the Lady, The Year of Saying Yes, The Year of Living Simply.

What should I name 2017 for me? Ideas?

 

 

A Better Question

Did I ever share this article with you guys? It’s important.

Instead of asking, “What do I want?” ask, “What is worth struggling for?”

I hope you’ll read this and share your thoughts.

It begins:

Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.

Everyone would like that—it’s easy to like that.

If I ask you, “What do you want out of life?” and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” it’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything.

A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.

Click here to read the rest.

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Perfectionism & Writing [& OCD Too]

messyYou’d think being a perfectionist would be beneficial for an artist, but I really don’t think that’s true.

(Neither, apparently, does Google: search “artists are perfectionists” and you’ll get the following:

 

For me, being a perfectionist means that writing a book can be a slow form of torture. You see, it takes a long time for a book to even begin to resemble perfection. You have to spend months, even years, sitting uncomfortably in the middle of a mess, working through sloppy drafts and chasing rabbit trails into very disorganized forests.

Or maybe that’s just me.

In any case, it’s a continual lesson in learning to enjoy the process and not just the product. If I only enjoy the product, I will get to be happy about 24 hours out of every three years. This is a journey of embracing uncertainty, letting myself wait in the cold water till I begin to adjust.

And that’s the story of my life with OCD too. Heck, the story of my life, period.

I– a perfectionist, an OCD survivor– want pretty things in pretty boxes with pretty bows on top. I– an artist, an OCD survivor– know that’s not what life looks like. Life is full of doubt and wrong directions, wasted time and imperfect choices. Life is full of discomfort and years and years and years of tolerating discomfort … with the hope there is a pretty thing in a pretty box with a pretty bow at the end. But it is not guaranteed.

So, is art in general– or writing specifically– a difficult career choice for a perfectionist? Heck yes. But it’s fulfilling, worthwhile, hard, dirty, beautiful work– and it is helping me appreciate this fulfilling, worthwhile, hard, dirty, beautiful world.

 

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I love the writing rhythm I’m in right now. It feels good to sit down nearly every night and hammer through something. It’s been quite varied: some nights I will sweep through two chapters and others I will spend all evening on just 250 words. It all feels good. I am just now running into the part of my story that I have the least experience with; I am trying to tap into raw emotions over situations I’ve never been in. It’s intimidating, to say the least. But I keep rotating between my desk and my prayer journal.

I just binge-watched Stranger Things on Netflix and quite enjoyed it. (And I don’t even enjoy being scared … but I do love a good psychological thriller.)

Waiting for my copy of Melina Marchetta’s new book Tell the Truth, Shame the Devil to arrive. In the meantime, I re-read Saving Francesca and its companion novel The Piper’s Son. (P.S. Salt Novel, my current work-in-progress, was born out of The Piper’s Son + a “what if.”)

Jacob Wetterling’s remains were found on a farm in Paynesville, MN. His abduction hit way too close to home for those of us who grew up in central Minnesota, and this has been a question that people my age have had for most of our lives. I remember when he was abducted in 1989. I was seven years old, and St. Joseph, where he was taken, is only about 20 miles from where I lived. Paynesville, where he was found nearly 27 years later, is about the same distance. The man who led them to the body was living in Annandale, just 11 miles from my parents’ house. This case has changed both MN and national laws, and while it is a heartbreaking ending to this decades-long mystery, I hope it will somehow bring the family some closure.

I am sleeping much better (and with NO sleep aids)! The insomnia doctor I’ve been meeting with is the kindest, gentlest, sweetest man. I am so grateful for the way he has thoughtfully pursued answers to my long-standing issues with sleep.

Work has been insanely busy– due in part to the last-minute closing of another private school in Minnesota (we ended up with maybe 8 or so of their students transferring to UNW and registering late) and in part to the implementation of new software in my office. But I feel good. I feel like I’m doing some of my best recruiting I’ve done in years. I am overflowing with creative ideas. It’s like a dam burst.

I’m thinking ahead to next month– which includes OCD Awareness Week– and planning to meet with the OCD Twin Cities team to plan a special event for it. (Anyone have ideas?)

My parents’ dog had puppies! Five purebred German shepherds– four chubby dark-colored male pups and one little all-white girl pup. In all our batches of puppies over the years (to different dogs), we’ve never had a purebred white shepherd before!

puppies

Well, I’d better get back to the manuscript. It’s being fussy.

Love,
Jackie

P.S. What’s going on in your worlds? I always love to hear from you, friends.

 

 

5-Year Blogiversary

blog fiveMy blog turns five today!

Since I started this site, I have:

  • written and published a book
  • left management (which allowed me to write and publish a book)
  • written a manuscript (Salt Novel), set it aside, written another manuscript (Yes Novel), then set it aside for the earlier one
  • met and/or interacted with hundreds of brave people with OCD and other lovely people in advocacy
  • partnered with the International OCD Foundation
  • became the communications director for OCD Twin Cities, an IOCDF affiliate
  • recruited hundreds of students to my university
  • become a feminist
  • grown in my faith
  • bought a house and remodeled it
  • listened to the books in The Chronicles of Narnia at least 250 times (but probably more like 400-500) (and The Horse and His Boy makes up probably 33% of that, ha!)
  • successfully maintained my OCD remission
  • met and/or interacted with some incredible bloggers
  • had several incredible babies enter my life (i.e. my friends had kids!)

I’ve been so blessed by everyone who follows my site. Your support and comments and friendship mean the world to me! Here’s to year number six!

Humor me, folks: what accomplishment are you most proud of from the last five years?

Image credit: The Delicious Life

When a Week Sets Out to Kill You

And throws goodies your way like:

  • A personal attack that goes for your weakest spots: mental illness and singleness.
  • No alone time for your highly introverted self.
  • A heat index of 115 degrees.
  • One million appointments at work … and you’re only one of two people in the office.
  • NO TIME TO WRITE.
  • Continued issues with sleep.

BUT YOU SURVIVE IT.

  • I do not have a fragile personality; God, my friends, and even I myself have been reminding me of this.
  • I can fake extroversion like a pro.
  • My office installed a ceiling fan in my office to supplement the window A/C unit; my home office is so chilly I’m wearing a sweatshirt! Win!
  • Hannah and I rocked this WILD afternoon in admissions alone!
  • I’m about to write now, even just for a little bit.
  • I napped for three hours after work today.

This week was hard. But I can do hard things.

I’ve done harder.

I like life.

This was a really busy– but ultimately really good– week for me.

Last week, I was (pre?) diagnosed with a sleep disorder– Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which sounds totally fake but isn’t. Basically, my circadian rhythm is off, which is why I stay awake so late (even with Ambien!) and then feel impossibly paralyzed in the mornings. I’m meeting with a specialized sleep psychologist next month, and in the meantime, I had blood work done to see if it’s safe for me to go back onto Risperdal. I took that tiny .5 mg (notice that is POINT-FIVE not FIVE mg) pill for eight years, and when I went off of it (maybe six months ago?), I’ve just gone haywire. I know that for most people, mornings are not fun. But, for me, they’ve been impossible. I don’t know how else to explain it.

My favorite kiddos came over on Saturday, and later I found a sweet note from the six year old. Allow me to translate: “Ava loves Jackie’s house.” Jak E with a backward J leaves you with cake. I like cake.

My editor was in the Twin Cities, so we hung out on Monday, brainstorming and discussing Salt Novel as well as writing and publishing in general and all the things we’ve been learning lately. It was wonderful! I left feeling energized to write and excited about my manuscript. Now to find more time …
The rest of the week consisted of therapy (yay), haircut (yay) and dye job (yay? see pics.), getting paid for the German translation of Truest (YAY), and ice cream with my bestie (major yay).

How about you? I can’t believe July is half over. Where is summer going? I’m ready for cooler temps (it’s been in the nineties in Minnesota and miserably humid, though the end of this week was better) but I’m not ready for the ruckus of fall recruitment quite yet.

Think of me as I sort out my sleep/novel/work/life.