It’s hard to know exactly what caused it, but the last two weeks have been pretty hard for me, OCD-wise.  And this is coming after four years that were, for the large part, obsession- and compulsion-free.

Blah.

I was feeling weak and exhausted for various reasons when the  intrusive thoughts started up again.  I don’t know if OCD noticed a chink in my armor and decided to go for it or what– but out of nowhere, those old intrusive thoughts started up again.

Then, one week ago, I posted about my darkest, lowest days, and in some ways, that blog post worked as a trigger.  On Tuesday night, for the first time in SO, SO LONG, I started to revisit those old doubts about my salvation.  It felt so ugly after such a beautiful four-year stretch of freedom and joy.

But.

I have tools now.  I walked myself through the obsession: It is POSSIBLE that I am going to hell … but it is not LIKELY.  I practiced an old exposure.  I reminded myself of the promises of scripture, and I emailed my girlfriends and asked them to pray and to NOT reassure me.  And they were total rockstars and did exactly as I requested.

And you know what?

Tuesday ended up being an isolated event.  It felt like such a slippery slope, like all I have won was going to be torn from me.  But it wasn’t.  I’d still appreciate prayers and NO reassurances, but this last week was a reminder for me that OCD-in-remission is in some ways just a sleeping giant.

Not that I will tiptoe around it.  I will not fear it again, only fight it.