It’s hard to know exactly what caused it, but the last two weeks have been pretty hard for me, OCD-wise. And this is coming after four years that were, for the large part, obsession- and compulsion-free.
I was feeling weak and exhausted for various reasons when the intrusive thoughts started up again. I don’t know if OCD noticed a chink in my armor and decided to go for it or what– but out of nowhere, those old intrusive thoughts started up again.
Then, one week ago, I posted about my darkest, lowest days, and in some ways, that blog post worked as a trigger. On Tuesday night, for the first time in SO, SO LONG, I started to revisit those old doubts about my salvation. It felt so ugly after such a beautiful four-year stretch of freedom and joy.
I have tools now. I walked myself through the obsession: It is POSSIBLE that I am going to hell … but it is not LIKELY. I practiced an old exposure. I reminded myself of the promises of scripture, and I emailed my girlfriends and asked them to pray and to NOT reassure me. And they were total rockstars and did exactly as I requested.
And you know what?
Tuesday ended up being an isolated event. It felt like such a slippery slope, like all I have won was going to be torn from me. But it wasn’t. I’d still appreciate prayers and NO reassurances, but this last week was a reminder for me that OCD-in-remission is in some ways just a sleeping giant.
Not that I will tiptoe around it. I will not fear it again, only fight it.