Although cognitive-behavioral therapy threw off my OCD chains four years ago, I have to be honest: sometimes I worry that all the protective walls I’ve built around me will come crashing down.
I know that OCD is waiting just outside. I see it in the parking lot sometimes. Every once in a while it sneaks into my bedroom at night and sits menacingly on my dresser, whispering ugliness.
I have the tools to make it leave now. It has to obey me when I tell it to go.
But what if one night I’m not strong enough? What if my voice wavers, and it realizes I’m not as powerful as I try to sound? What will I do if it pitches a tent in my apartment, moves back in with its suitcases of grief and terror?
I speak boldly of CBT and ERP as if they are stories of the past. I say “freedom” like it’s a permanent thing. But I can’t see even one second into the future.
Just wanted to share these thoughts with my OCD community. I have great joy, and I delight in my remission, but I’m a real person with real fears. As I’ve said before, I won’t tiptoe around my OCD– but I’m not going to provoke it either.