Category Archives: overcoming

a confession

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Although cognitive-behavioral therapy threw off my OCD chains four years ago, I have to be honest: sometimes I worry that all the protective walls I’ve built around me will come crashing down.

I know that OCD is waiting just outside.  I see it in the parking lot sometimes.  Every once in a while it sneaks into my bedroom at night and sits menacingly on my dresser, whispering ugliness.

I have the tools to make it leave now.  It has to obey me when I tell it to go.

But what if one night I’m not strong enough?  What if my voice wavers, and it realizes I’m not as powerful as I try to sound?  What will I do if it pitches a tent in my apartment, moves back in with its suitcases of grief and terror?

I speak boldly of CBT and ERP as if they are stories of the past.  I say “freedom” like it’s a permanent thing.  But I can’t see even one second into the future.

Just wanted to share these thoughts with my OCD community.  I have great joy, and I delight in my remission, but I’m a real person with real fears.  As I’ve said before, I won’t tiptoe around my OCD– but I’m not going to provoke it either.

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God’s Sovereignty, OCD, the Cross, and His Purposes

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Just wanted to sort out some thoughts and spark conversation on my blog today.

A little while ago, I asked the question on my blog Did God give me OCD? and came to conclusion that yes, he did, to draw me to himself and so that I could use it to glorify him and help others.  A blog reader challenged me on that conclusion, and I thought her questions were valid.  She wrote:

Let me challenge this: Is God good or bad? Does God do bad things? I do not believe that God gives people sickness, disorders, etc. It is contrary to God’s character to do those things. I DO believe that God will use bad circumstances/disease/etc in order to bring Him glory and all the things you said. BUT the whole reason that Jesus died for us is to enter into relationship with the Father. There had to be a sacrifice to tear the veil and stand in the gap between the God of the Old Testament and the New Covenant. When we look at the OT, we have to look at it through the lens of the Cross…would the Cross change how a situation would look? Judgement in the New Testament is always correctional because final judgement doesn’t happen on this earth anymore (it did in the OT). When we look at sickness, we see that Jesus performed miracles to show God’s love. He never caused anyone sickness. I do not believe that God gave you OCD, but I 100% agree that God is good and uses your OCD to drive you to Him, so that you could glorify Him with it, and to help others who are suffering.

This comment has got me thinking deeply about this.  Right now, it’s still a pretty jarbled (that’s a mix of jumbled and garbled) blend of the doctrine of suffering (suffering in itself is not virtuous, but it does seem purposeful [Romans 8:28-29]), God’s sovereignty (is God in control of everything?  Even disease/disorder?  Sin and evil aren’t of his making, but if he gave humans the choice to opt for them, doesn’t that mean he is still master over it all?), and hindsight (now that OCD is not master of me, it’s easier to see the larger picture of OCD as a tool God used in my life).

I think that my position (for now) still stands with the belief that God did give me OCD for his glory and purposes.

cross4To answer the commenter’s questions, I respond with my own questions: from one perspective, the CROSS was a “bad thing.”  In the moment, who would have guessed it would come to be known as GOOD Friday?  And we know it was planned. Redemption through the cross was the plan for forever.  “Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand” (Isaiah 53:10).  Think of this from a human perspective.  If we watched a father allow his son to be tortured, we would probably say that dad was doing a “bad thing.”

But, of course, we don’t see the cross from that angle anymore.  We know what happened on Sunday morning after Christ’s death.  And we now know that the cross is the most beautiful thing, the event that allows us freedom and life.  We look on the “bad thing” as a glorious thing.

So, could it be that way with OCD?  (I don’t think I’m ready to call it a “glorious thing” yet!)  But if suffering is predetermined (“Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good” [1 Peter 4:19]), who predetermined it?  It’s hard for me to separate God from control over all things (I’m still sorting through some of this, including the fall of man).

What do you think?  Let’s dialogue.

Resurgence: When OCD Attacks a Freed Mind

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It’s hard to know exactly what caused it, but the last two weeks have been pretty hard for me, OCD-wise.  And this is coming after four years that were, for the large part, obsession- and compulsion-free.

Blah.

I was feeling weak and exhausted for various reasons when the  intrusive thoughts started up again.  I don’t know if OCD noticed a chink in my armor and decided to go for it or what– but out of nowhere, those old intrusive thoughts started up again.

Then, one week ago, I posted about my darkest, lowest days, and in some ways, that blog post worked as a trigger.  On Tuesday night, for the first time in SO, SO LONG, I started to revisit those old doubts about my salvation.  It felt so ugly after such a beautiful four-year stretch of freedom and joy.

But.

I have tools now.  I walked myself through the obsession: It is POSSIBLE that I am going to hell … but it is not LIKELY.  I practiced an old exposure.  I reminded myself of the promises of scripture, and I emailed my girlfriends and asked them to pray and to NOT reassure me.  And they were total rockstars and did exactly as I requested.

And you know what?

Tuesday ended up being an isolated event.  It felt like such a slippery slope, like all I have won was going to be torn from me.  But it wasn’t.  I’d still appreciate prayers and NO reassurances, but this last week was a reminder for me that OCD-in-remission is in some ways just a sleeping giant.

Not that I will tiptoe around it.  I will not fear it again, only fight it.

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The Problem with Seeking Reassurance

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For years, one of my biggest compulsions was seeking reassurance.

Do you think I’m going to heaven?  Do you think it was wrong I did such-and-such?  Do you think I hurt so-and-so’s feelings?  Do you think yadda yadda yadda …

My obsessions were like burns, and when someone would reassure me that things were okay, it was like sticking my burned fingertip under cold running water.  The relief felt real … but it was temporary.

Ten minutes later, I’d want to ask again.

(And quite often I would … sometimes to where I would frustrate my family and friends.  They would sigh deeply and look at me with these terribly sad eyes and repeat, “Jackie, no.”)

It functioned just like all compulsions– it provided a temporary relief from my obsession, but then it gets out of control.  I didn’t realize it at the time (and neither did my friends), but all they were doing was enabling my OCD.

What would have been better (although much, much harder for both the OC and the friend) is to say, “Look, there are a lot of things we can’t know with certainty.  What you’re afraid of is POSSIBLE … but it’s not LIKELY.  Let’s look at the available evidence.”  Of course, no obsessive-compulsive wants to hear even an ounce of uncertainty … uncertainty doesn’t soothe the burn like cold water.

At least, not immediately.

But as you introduce the idea of uncertainty into your life, and you learn to embrace it, what happens is that you start to heal.  It is hard for EVERYONE, but it is BETTER.  Reassurance only leads to seeking more reassurance.  Uncertainty leads to acceptance and healing and a new life.

Now, of course this is difficult.  Who wants to say to a crying child, “Something bad MIGHT happen if you don’t organize your locker”?  Or to a terror-stricken young adult, “It’s POSSIBLE you could catch a life-threatening disease if you don’t wash your hands right now”?  Or to someone who is weak with guilt, “We can’t KNOW for SURE that God didn’t heal your mother because of something you did”?  It’s agony all around.

But it is better.  Healthier.

And then you can follow things up with, “What evidence do we have available to help us make decisions?  Other students have messy lockers, and they usually go about their day just fine.  Even if you did get sick today, it probably wouldn’t kill anyone– in fact, lots of people have been sick at your workplace in the last year and no one has died.  It’s more likely that your mom died due to her illness than to your actions that aren’t connected.”  Obviously, these are hard.  They don’t erase uncertainty.  And that is the point.

Remember, uncertainty is the key to healing!!  That is why obsessive-compulsives need to surround themselves with cheerleaders not enablers, people who are willing to do the hard business of tough love, even in the face of tears and terror.  It means anxiety in the short term– but joy in the long term!

thoughtful girl

Uncertainty is the Key

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uncertainty2

One of my friends has had her obsessions flare up again (she is worried that her brother will die on his spring break trip), and she emailed me for prayer and advice.  I asked her, “Do you want tough love?”

Her response:  “Yes, okay, just hold on a second I have to prepare myself.”
A minute later: “I am ready.  Go.”

I wrote back:

I’m not going to reassure you about this because LIFE IS FULL OF UNCERTAINTY, and we have to learn to live with it.  I’m not saying this to be mean, but the truth of the matter is that he could slip on the Minnesota ice outside and hurt himself that way just as easily as a trip to California.  We DON’T KNOW.  We CAN’T know.  All we can do is make decisions based on the evidence available.  The evidence available suggests he will be fine.  Whether you worry about him or not won’t change anything except for how YOU cope with his spring break.

The best thing that you can do for yourself to keep from spiraling is to repeat to yourself, “I can’t know if he’ll be okay.  He might be.  He might NOT be.  Either way, he knows God, and I have to just live my life with uncertainty.”

I want to reassure you.  But that would be just silly—who am I (who is any mere human) to reassure you of something like this?  Our lives ARE like a vapor!  We have no way of knowing.

The evidence available suggests that most healthy young people live till their 70s, so that’s what I’m going to plan for.

***

My friend thanked me for the tough love; I think I’m allowed to dole it out because she knows about how cognitive-behavioral therapy changed my life.  CBT is really just a giant act of tough love, isn’t it?  We’re put through torture so that we can barrel through the hell of daily life with OCD.  I know I am so glad to have gone through it myself, and that is why I am not willing to reassure someone of something we can’t know.

Life is full of uncertainty, and each obsessive-compulsive wants to eliminate it– which is just not possible.  Still, we go to great lengths to attempt this impossible feat.  Really, our rescue is in learning to embrace the uncertainty.

If it boggles your mind a little, that’s okay.  It still does mine too, and I’m a success story!

For those of you with OCD, is it hard for you to receive tough love from people?  For those of you who love an OC, is it hard for you to dole it out?

Quite Literally

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During the many years of my life when OCD was in charge of me and not the other way around, one thing that it demanded was that every single thing I say be true– literally true.

There were no sudden exclamations to friends of “You’re my favorite!”  No declarations of “This is the best!”  If I was leaving a voicemail at 12:14, I wouldn’t say, “Hey, it’s quarter after; call me back.”  There just wasn’t any room for that in my mind and in my life.

Lyrics were difficult.  I was very careful with what lyrics came out of my mouth; I didn’t want to make any promises or statements that I couldn’t hold to or that weren’t true.  I had to stay one step ahead of the singer to gauge whether it was okay for me to sing those words.

I remember one evening, I was singing along in my car to an Andrew Peterson song.  In it, he is singing to God, and the lyrics are, “I will sing your song from sea to shining sea.”  As soon as the lyrics flew off my tongue, I started to think about how I now was required to plan a cross-country roadtrip just to keep my word.

As a writer, I was very timid about memoir, believing that if I didn’t get every detail right, it would amount to a sinful travesty.  Dialogue?  Way too risky.

Even sarcasm was difficult sometimes, though I never entirely abandoned it.  I did wonder for a time if writing fiction was sinful in and of itself, since the stories were made up … you know, lies.

I tiptoed for so many years.  I was so exact, so literal, so bent on perfection.

Today, I am an honest woman– but I have freedom.  When I tell stories, I don’t worry about getting every detail right.  I have space in my life to breathe.

shhh

Do What Scares You: Big Sur, Part One

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Experts seem to agree: we grow by doing things that scare us.  I believe this!

It’s why I tackled cognitive-behavioral therapy, why I seek out public speaking opportunities, why I ask for criticism on the things that I write.  Those things all scare(d) me, but I knew I had so much to gain by facing them.  Self-confidence, networking opportunities, friendships, new & improved drafts, stronger character.  In the case of CBT, I gained back my life.

I am not ashamed of being frightened by things … but I force myself to do those things anyway.

As you are reading this, I am probably on a plane to Monterey, California, or perhaps I’ve already arrived for the Big Sur Writing Workshop.  Let’s be honest.  I’m quite terrified.

1) I am not good with airports.  Silly, I know, but I use them infrequently enough that they always make me nervous.  I try to always fly direct so that I don’t have to deal with the pain of connecting flights, but on this trip, it was unavoidable.  I’ll be connecting in Phoenix on the way there … and back.

2) I am not only asking for criticism on my novel but giving myself limited time to respond to it.  At the writing workshop I’m attending this weekend, I’ll get feedback and then have to turn around immediately and revise.  And repeat.  Generally, I like 24-36 hours to process a critique, get over it, and dive back into a new draft.  This entire conference is only about 48 hours, so there is the pressure to act and act now.

3) I will be interacting with literary agents, editors, and authors, all within the children’s and young adult genre.  I want to shine, not only in my writing, but in my personality and presence.  I love networking, but it can be exhausting to always be “on.”  In addition, I am just nervous in general about interacting with people who know so much about the field I’ve chosen.

But I’m doing it.  I have wanted to go to this workshop for the last nine months, and I am finally making it happen.  If you pray, would you pray for me?

I simply want to write impeccably, charm everyone, enjoy myself, and come away with a better manuscript.  Is that too much to ask of one weekend? 😉

Love!

bebrave2

 

Live OCD Free app: my review

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I first learned of the Live OCD Free app when I was in Boston last October, attending an event hosted by the International OCD Foundation.  I was intrigued by the idea of a web app that could simulate or guide Exposure and Response Prevention, so I picked up some handouts to take back to my university, and that was that.

Until I had lunch with Faith, this incredible 9-year-old who is battling with OCD.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had stored the memory that this app had a children’s version to it, so I contacted the company and asked if I could have a free trial of the app so that– if I liked it– I could promote it on my blog.  I received a very kind email from Dr. Kristen Mulcahy, who also sent me a promo code.

Live OCD Free app

What it is: 
Billed as “your personal pocket therapist,” this web app allows you to undergo cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), either on your own or with the help of a therapist.  With it, you create a hierarchy of exposures, practice your exposures, and record your progress.  You can even easily email your progress reports to your therapist!  There is an adult version and a child version (both available with just the one purchase).

Child version:
In the child version of the app, there is a video that shares the story of the “Worry Wizard” with the child– in the video, the Worry Wizard happens to be another person (a bad kid, ha!), which I kind of like.  It goes along with the idea of narrative therapy that YOU are NOT the problem, the PROBLEM is the PROBLEM.  By showing children that the Worry Wizard is a completely separate entity from themselves, they are able to treat OCD as the enemy and not themselves.

ERP is then made into a game of sorts.  Children (along with the help of an adult) create a list of exposures (with simple prompts to aid them).  They then can practice their exposure at the click of a button.  If there is a need for an imaginative exposure (creating a loop tape/recording), they can do that within this app as well.  There are also built-in timers to remind users to practice their exposures and to record their anxiety levels (for the progress reports).  It’s really easy to use, very self-explanatory.

Adult version:
The adult version is very similar to the child version except that it just tells it like it is. 🙂  

PROS:
The secret weapons (child version)/toolbox (adult version).
Oh my goodness, I absolutely loved this feature*.  When you choose to practice an exposure, you set the timer for how long you’d like to do it.  While you are practicing an exposure, you can access the secret weapons/toolbox area, which includes:

1. Reasons for fighting (both versions).  A place where you can review and record your reasons for fighting OCD/the Worry Wizard.
2. Uncertainty agreement (adult version).  Where you acknowledge that you cannot know things with certainty.  This records the date that you “signed on” for this!
3. Relaxation (both versions).  Listen to an exercise in muscle relaxation.
4. Motivational messages and inspirational quotes.  You can even add your own!
5. Tips from other kids fighting the Worry Wizard.  Obviously, this is in the children’s version.  Loved it.  The quotes were so good and meaningful and encouraging without being enabling at all.
6. Songs (child version).  This included two songs for children (although there is a whole CD available on iTunes).  I have to admit, one of the songs– “Worry Wizard”– made me cry listening to the lyrics.  It just breaks my heart that children have to deal with this crippling disorder.  They are so brave!

*When I was doing my own exposures, I was told to focus intently on them … I wonder how this toolbox jives with that, or if that was only my therapist’s method.

Live OCD Free User’s Guide
This is wonderfully written, very clear.  If someone is choosing to do ERP on their own and without the guidance of a therapist, this user’s guide will be critical to their success.  Since I have undergone CBT, I now find it fairly easy to recognize obsessions and compulsions– and to identify appropriate exposures.  However, I would not have been able to do this if I hadn’t gone through ERP myself already.  The prompts are very helpful (and OCs often know what things bring them the most anxiety), but this user’s guide will be a huge help in sorting through obsessions, compulsions, and exposures.  I emailed with Dr. Mulcahy, and she said that sometimes people will meet once or twice with a cognitive-behavioral therapist just to set up their exposure hierarchy before attacking the actual exposures on their own.  Even if you don’t have health insurance, I can see where this would be very helpful.  If not, the user’s guide will assist in that matter.

Progress reports
This app makes it easy to see your progress.  I love that.  A visual reminder of how far you’ve come can go such a long way!

CONS:
There are very, very few cons to this app.  The graphics in the video of the Worry Wizard were not my favorite, and (of course) being a writer, I thought the story could have used a little polishing, but all in all, this app is phenomenal.  

The cost is around $80, which at first seemed like a lot of money to me … but it’s really not.  Not for what you get.  An ERP experience for $80 is a bargain (even with awesome health insurance, I still probably paid about $300 out of pocket to meet with my cognitive-behavioral therapist).  And the freedom to be gained through this process is priceless.

I imagine that CBT without the guidance of a therapist would also be more difficult, especially as there is less accountability, but the truth of the matter is that CBT takes a lot of commitment, no matter what.  I have said it before and I will say it again, you know you are ready for CBT when the hell you’re experiencing daily is worse than the hell you’ll have to go through with CBT.

All said, I highly recommend this product.

I cannot say enough good about CBT/ERP and how it gave me back my life.  Whether someone chooses to go the traditional route of seeking out a cognitive-behavioral therapist (note: NOT a talk therapist) or chooses to use this web app … or chooses to use both in conjunction with one another … I am 110% for it.

The important thing is that you pursue CBT.

Live-OCD-Free_App_12

where OCD failed

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Those who read my blog know that I mean business when I say that OCD is a brutal liar, the biggest thief I know.  I hate it passionately.  And I hate the way that media so often leans in the direction of portraying it as comical instead of devastating.  It throws so much ugliness at us.

But every once in a while, its tricks fail.

The following is one of the OCD-induced thoughts I have … but this one never worked its evil on me.  I even think it’s funny … because it’s an area where OCD attempted to ruin me and failed.  It’s an intrusive thought … but it’s not an upsetting one.  And the resulting compulsion has always been small and has never gotten out of control.

So, here it is.  “The one that got away.”

I get these thoughts that letters and words have feelings.  Yup.

Here’s an example.

Let’s say I was typing the word blogging, and instead I typed bloggging.  Instead of deleting the ing and the extra g, I, at times, would take the extra time to remove only the extra g.  You see, the ing didn’t do anything wrong to deserve being deleted and replaced with a new ing.

I also get the feeling that words that have been next to each other for a while have become friends.

So if that last sentence had been written a long time ago, and then I decided to edit it but to use some of the same words, I would not delete the old word and replace it with the same new word (you’d be surprised how often this kind of thing happens when you edit like a maniac).  It just seems wrong to uproot neighbors like that.

It’s okay to laugh.  It makes me smile!  Even now, with years under my belt of being in charge of my OCD, I still have these thoughts.  I don’t hesitate to replace a word with a different, better word (or I’d be in rough shape as a writer!), but I don’t want to replace words that are the same/equal without taking into account the words’ feelings.

But it’s very natural.  I make the decisions quickly as I go, so I’m not wasting extra time, and it wouldn’t ruin my night if I hurt a word or letter’s feelings.  I know they don’t actually have feelings.  And I don’t get upset over anything connected to it.

It’s like this funny little leftover from OCD, and since it’s so weak and powerless, it kinda makes me grin.

OCD has a lot of terrible tricks.  Are there any that OCD tried to play on you which actually failed?

keyboard

OCD torture

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Through my website, I can see what search terms are bringing people to my blog, and this week, the number one search term was “OCD torture.”  It breaks my heart.  But I can completely understand and relate.

For those who are in the throes of such torture:

Welcome to my blog.  I know what you’re going through– I was there myself, only about 5 years ago.  And the torture was long-lasting for me– nearly 15 years of it.  It’s crazy how we can even bear up, isn’t it?  Sometimes I am amazed that I survived, was able to get through school, was able to keep my job.  Every single day, I hurt so bad.  Every single day, I had this feeling that something was wrong, something was off.  I felt frantic.  The weight of the world was on my shoulders, even from when I was young.  Personally, my OCD attacked my Christian faith and made me doubt my salvation, and that doubt is like pure agony to one who loves Christ.  So many evenings I spent weeping, almost keening, because I couldn’t handle the thoughts and doubts that were inhabiting my brain, burrowing into it as if they’d stay forever.

torture

My OCD attacked whatever was most important to me.  It made me think people were secretly against me, it made me think I shouldn’t tell my problems to my best friend, it made me think it was sinful to write (one of my life’s greatest loves), it made me think I was gay when I clearly was not, it made me think I was a sex offender, it made me think it was wrong to meet new people or to talk to anyone I didn’t know (not helpful when your job is recruiting!).  It made me feel guilty if I brought home a STAPLE from work.  It made me feel guilty and sinful all the time.  And TERRIFIED too.  It wasn’t always just a dull agony.  Quite often it ramped into a shrill, turbulent nightmare.  Overwhelming, engulfing terror would swallow me whole.  And then sometimes, to hide itself, it would make me even doubt that I had OCD (tricky bastard!!).

Notice I say it made me feel this way.  OCD, my disorder, made me feel this way.  The guilt and terror were not from God.  The thoughts and doubts weren’t my own.  They were given to me, like the ugliest of gifts, from my disorder.

I remember reading blog post about the unpardonable sin, thinking that is me.  I am in those shoes, and I will never be out of them. Guess what?  I have been delivered from that ugly hold OCD had on me.  I still have it.  But I’m the boss; it’s not.

How?  Cognitive-behavioral therapy, specifically exposure and response prevention therapy, which I’ve explained on my blog here.  Now, after twelve weeks of CBT, I have been in control of my OCD for the last four years.  It’s like another life.  When I feel guilty now, it’s because I’ve done something wrong.  When I doubt something, I don’t freak out– I seek out advice from family, friends, and the Holy Spirit.  I know my soul belongs to God.  I can look at OCD’s silly suggestions and see that they are ridiculous.  I don’t have to entertain them.  I can toss them aside like I never could before.

And my OCD knows it’s not in control anymore.  To be honest, it doesn’t even fight me as much now that it knows it loses every single time.  It knows I have the tools to toss it out the window, so it keeps pretty quiet around me.

Meanwhile, it is torturing you.  I hate that.  I want you to be free like I am.  It is going to be a rough road, but there is help.  Find a cognitive-behavioral therapist, buckle in, and do whatever you have to do to complete your therapy.  And when you want to quit, you can post a comment on this blog, and I will be your cheerleader.  Skip the traditional talk therapy.  You need someone who knows how to do ERP.

Start today.  It’s time for freedom.

Note for those without health insurance: If you can’t afford to see a cognitive-behavioral therapist, and if you’re ready to take back your life, you can try a self-guided CBT experience with an iPhone app like the one at http://www.liveOCDfree.com or by using a book like “Stop Obsessing!” by Edna Foa or “Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty” by Dr. Jonathan Grayson.