a confession

Although cognitive-behavioral therapy threw off my OCD chains four years ago, I have to be honest: sometimes I worry that all the protective walls I’ve built around me will come crashing down.

I know that OCD is waiting just outside.  I see it in the parking lot sometimes.  Every once in a while it sneaks into my bedroom at night and sits menacingly on my dresser, whispering ugliness.

I have the tools to make it leave now.  It has to obey me when I tell it to go.

But what if one night I’m not strong enough?  What if my voice wavers, and it realizes I’m not as powerful as I try to sound?  What will I do if it pitches a tent in my apartment, moves back in with its suitcases of grief and terror?

I speak boldly of CBT and ERP as if they are stories of the past.  I say “freedom” like it’s a permanent thing.  But I can’t see even one second into the future.

Just wanted to share these thoughts with my OCD community.  I have great joy, and I delight in my remission, but I’m a real person with real fears.  As I’ve said before, I won’t tiptoe around my OCD– but I’m not going to provoke it either.