Tag Archives: OCD

Thoughts on ERP, Writing, & Uncertainty

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Uncertainty.

For so many years, it was my enemy– or so I perceived it, especially because full-blown clinical obsessive-compulsive disorder made me fear and reject uncertainty even more than the average bear. Everything in my life was about pursuing certainty, answers, black & white.

And, of course, I was miserable.

In 2008, I went through the harrowing but ultimately beautiful process of exposure therapy, which took my OCD out at the knees, giving me the bandwidth to live with uncertainty, questions, and all the shades of gray.

It’s only recently that I’ve recognized exposure therapy as the training ground (or maybe even battle ground) that would let me later pursue my dreams of being an author.

A hard truth: writing is full of uncertainty. 

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Not just writing– but publishing itself too. There is this crazy-making stretch of life in the middle of writing a book that feels both unclear and perpetual. What is this book really about? Who are these characters? Can I do this? Can I finish this? Is this story going to matter to anyone but me? Is this going to even matter to me? Will my writing group like it? Will my agent? My editor? Readers? Will I find success? Will I get another contract?

The writing life is, for many of us (and especially for younger writers), a world in grayscale: a constant state of uncertainty that we have to persist in in order to find any relief or success.

For as many days as I think I’m totally failing at life and writing, I have to remember what it would have been like to be writing and publishing before exposure therapy, back when uncertainty was unbearable. I’m not even sure how it would have been possible to be doing what I’m doing now without exposure therapy laying the groundwork for me to bear the not-knowing, let alone to thrive in it.

“The world doesn’t work that way.” I hear myself and other OCD awareness advocates saying this to sufferers all the time. In context, we mean, “Life inherently is full of uncertainty. You cannot eliminate it.”

The truth of that hits me over and over again in the field of writing.

Exposure therapy was the terrible, grueling practice for the writing life. Uncertainty is rampant; I try to keep my arms open.

 

Perspective in Three Parts

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I.

I keep letting a piece of my identity wipe out and overshadow the whole rest of my identity.

II.

This is still nothing compared to the old dark days of OCD.

III.

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

— St. Teresa of Avila

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Nothing Like a Good List

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Hi folks, a little update:

Wednesday, I had my first session of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a treatment which is truly fascinating. I’ll be honest: I’m not sure I entirely understand it yet, but basically– “when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed and stored in an isolated memory network” (Wikipedia), and the use of bilateral stimulation (moving eyes back and forth or– as my therapist uses– two small “buzzers,” one for each hand, which alternate buzzing back and forth) allows the patient and therapist to crack into that part of the memory.

I think. On a scale of 1-10 for how much of an EMDR expert I am, I rank at about negative 3.

Talked to my editor on Thursday. It was really good. We agreed on most things, and I felt ready to move forward. It was a great feeling that faded a bit since then. (It’s one thing to feel ready for the next steps; it’s an entirely other thing to actually get myself to take them.)

Friday, I spoke at the Walker Public Library in northern Minnesota. It was a blast! People from the community as well as about twenty high schoolers came to the event, where I talked about Truest, writing, publishing, and brain disorders. Somehow, I end up speaking about OCD at almost every turn. It was one of the main players in my life prior to 2008, so I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised that it would come up when I discuss my history. I’m glad for the opportunities. It feels good to have a chance to share a little about it– and also to take away the stigma of mental illness being “shameful” to discuss. I think when I can mention it in the same breath as my writing life, my day job, etc., it steals away the stigma for the listeners. At least, I hope it does. It was a really fun day, plus my mom came with for the long car ride, and we laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. She’s the best.

Saturday, I needed a break. So I took one, even though I felt sort of guilty about it. I watched a trillion episodes of Criminal Minds on Netflix and took a three-hour nap. It was beautiful, even if it set me back a little bit.

So today I needed to work. I didn’t feel like working, so I called my mom, who encouraged me to make a list. YES. GREAT IDEA. I LOVE LISTS. I’m actually sort of obsessed with them. So I made a list, a long one. And I’ve been busting my butt for hours today crossing things off. When I publish this blog post, that’ll be one more thing off my list. 🙂 I’m cruising and it feels good. I’m trying to decide if I want to wait till tomorrow to work on book brainstorming or not– I need to gauge whether I am avoiding out of fear or just strategically allowing myself more time to let ideas simmer. The latter is okay; the first is not.

How are you? I’d love to hear from you with stories about what you’ve been up to. Are you excited for summer? I am excited that UNW’s graduation is over and that we’ll have a quiet summer with tons of parking … but I’m not ready for it to be in the nineties. It got that hot a week or so ago, and I thought I was melting. Oh Minnesota, land of extremes.

Odds & Ends

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this hair i can't evenAbout two weeks ago, I felt pretty confident that my life was in shambles, so I did what I do: I made a list. It was 22 items long. Today I crossed item #22 off the list. I am still a hot mess. Go figure.

Thankfully, item #22 was getting my tax refund, which came today. Now instead of being dirt-poor, I’m just regular-poor. 🙂

One of the things on my list was to ask my editor for a few extra weeks to work on my first draft (she agreed) and then to revise my word count strategy to get the draft done by the end of the month. So far I’m on track. In fact, all week I’ve been staying one day ahead of schedule, always allowing myself that extra space to skip writing for a night. Instead, I’ve kept plowing ahead. This weekend I need to tackle some of the harder parts of the novel, a couple scenes that need to be written for the very first time, and a storyline that I have very little clue what to do with. Oh man.

I was invited to a young adult book club in St. Cloud last weekend, and it was wonderful, and everyone there was so lovely and asked such thoughtful questions. I was there to talk about Truest and about writing, but I ended up talking a fair amount about OCD, which is, of course, all wrapped up in my story too. Ashleigh, one of the book club members, was kind enough to tag me in this beautiful blog post.

I’ve been searching for most of my adult life for the perfect lip color. If I showed you my lipstick/lip gloss accumulation, you’d think I’m so lame. Especially because what I learned was that I never keep my lips colored unless it’s something I can put on without a mirror. So– between finding the perfect color(s) and something that could be applied mirror-less– I struck out a lot over the years. But not anymore. I’ve found the most perfect solution (at least for me): Burt’s Bees Tinted Lip Balm. I use both Red Dahlia and Forest Flower (which … appears to be no longer available. WHAT IS THIS LIFE??? Are you kidding me? In my ANNOUNCEMENT of my perfect lip product, I find out it’s discontinued? The universe is cruel.).

I’m reading a book. It’s incredible. It’s so emotionally overwhelming that I can’t consume too much of it at a time or else I’d just binge-read it. Noggin by John Corey Whaley. I was fooled by its cover into assuming it was something else. But no. It is … so much. Maybe my favorite book I’ve read so far this year. I’m desperate for a happy ending and terrified I won’t get it. NO ONE SPOIL ME. Review will come soon … as soon as I can continue pressing my heart through this meat-grinder. Gosh, I love books.

What about you, folks? What are you reading these days? What are you buying? What are you doing for fun? Are you having to force yourself to be an adult the way I’ve been having to? What’s on your radar? Did your tax return save your life? I wanna hear from you.

 

Staying with God

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A long time ago, I got this question from a blog reader: How did you make the decision to ‘stay’ with God when your struggles came from that relationship?

I think I’m ready to write about that now.

White wall texture with a chair

So … for those of you who are newer to the blog, a bit of backstory: I battled with OCD– mostly of a spiritual nature– for about twenty years before I finally underwent treatment. While OCD has told me countless lies, the hardest one was that I was not loved and accepted by God and that I was going to hell. Nearly all of my battles with OCD had their root in this lie. It was– and remains– my worst thing imaginable (which, of course, is what OCD goes after).

I know that some people who have battled with OCD of a scrupulous or spiritual nature have eventually walked away from the faith. My understanding (though I could be wrong) is that the guilt and fear and, oh, lifestyle guidelines are too severe, so they end up having to distance themselves from it all in order to maintain some semblance of sanity and freedom.

As I said, I could be describing that wrong. The truth is that I’ve never understood it. My OCD centered around the idea that God was the most important person in my life and my fear was that I did not have him … or could not … or that he would refuse to have me. When that was my most intense terror, where would the relief have come from by choosing to walk away myself? I would have been willfully walking into that which was my darkest fear.

So, for me, clinging to Christ was my only hope in the midst of such darkness. Had I let go, I’d have been choosing the terror I was desperately trying to avoid.

Praise God that– while I was clinging to him, so afraid of falling– I was safe in his hands. I just didn’t know it. There is a difference between fearing that a chair will not hold you and a chair that will really not hold you. A huge difference. That said, the fear alone may keep you from enjoying the chair. But for those of us with OCD, our fears and our reality might be miles apart, but we’ve lost the ability to see that gaping chasm between them.

That’s where treatment comes in. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy saved my life and gave me new eyes to see the difference between my fears and the truth. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but 5000% worth it. Today I get to enjoy my relationship with Christ in ways my OCD prevented me from in the past.

If you want to learn more about my faith, click here.
If you want to learn more about OCD and ERP, click here.

Choosing Joy Over Misery (Plus a Thoughtful Caveat)

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melancholyI don’t understand it. I don’t exactly know how to do it. But I think I’m doing it.

Last week, I wrote a long post about choosing joy:

The biggest thing that I’m learning is that I need to love the work and love the process, or I’m going to be miserable. [I read something that] was basically asking if you wanted to be the person who loved the work or the person who loved the reward. Because if you’re the latter, you’re going to spend most of your life kinda miserable. But if you can be the former, you’ll be satisfied.

It’s mysterious to me. I have zero idea how this works.

But I do believe it’s working in my life.

Last week, I got a hard email, an email that would normally spiral me into panic and tears. And, instead, I paused and reminded myself to choose joy, told myself that my writing life is going to have highs and lows but that I’ll persist, and that panic and tears would not solve problems … and there was no panic and there were no tears. Instead, I thought rationally, sought out advice from a friend, waited for a couple hours, then wrote my reply.

It occurred to me: this is how a “normal” person reacts to bad news.

It felt like the first time in my life it happened for me.

I’m growing. Somehow. I don’t know any of the secrets to this yet. Do you? I’d love to hear.

P.S. I want to clarify: this post is not in contradiction to this one. I still believe that many people with brain disorders do not have the capability to simply choose to be happy. But I am finding in my own life that medication and OCD treatment and talk therapy and prayer are tools that are making that more and more possible for me. I am one of the lucky ones who has had so many opportunities and resources. They are opening up new doors for me that were locked even just a year ago. Would love to hear your thoughts.

 

Worth Saying Again & Again

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Exposure therapy is the best avenue we know of for treating obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Close up of hand drawing gears mechanism with chalk

ERP (exposure and response prevention) is what every OCD expert will suggest as the frontline treatment for sufferers.

It works.

It’s hard and scary, but it works.

Catering to compulsions is a band-aid on cancer. It treats symptoms. It cuts leaves off a weed.

ERP is chemotherapy. It goes after OCD itself. It digs out the root.

On this blog, you’ll only hear OCD treatment recommendations for:
1. ERP
2. ERP plus praying for a miracle
3. ERP plus meds
4. ERP plus meds plus praying for a miracle.

You can learn all about ERP therapy at jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Thoughts on Freedom of Various Kinds

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I moved yesterday. All went quite well.

I first moved into my old apartment in 2008, right as I started to write Lights All Around, my first novel. Those walls have seen so much, including complete and utter breakdowns, my experience with ERP therapy, the writing of Truest, and the writing of first drafts of two other novels. (Whoa– I wrote four novels in seven years? Sheesh. Had not thought of it like that before.)

The new house is still undergoing renovations, and it’s all a big old mess, but it’s my mess that I own, and I love it. I can see its potential so clearly, and I’m so happy.

Moving means packing and unpacking, and that means finding a million lost things in the dark corners. I’ve found so many things– journals, stories, etc.– that show so clearly the pain of and enslavement to my OCD. Today I read a journal entry dated 2006 that said something to the effect of, “I am still the pot who asks the Potter, ‘Why did you make me this way?’ I wonder if I will ever know. I wonder if I will ever experience freedom.”

I want to tell that girl, Two more years. Hold on.

Of course, that’s my past. I know so much more now, nine years after that journal entry was written. I have joy and freedom and a book deal with HarperCollins. I did the hard work of ERP therapy and reaped all the benefits of it– a whole different life. So, I don’t need to say that to my past self; instead, I will say it to you, you who are enslaved to your own obsessive-compulsive thoughts, who are lost and in slavery to OCD, who wonder if there is a point to it all or if you will ever see the light again:

Hold on. There is freedom available. Hope. Joy. Light. You can learn about ERP therapy here. I pray it will be the key that unlocks your prison, just as it unlocked mine in 2008. Today I find purpose in my past of OCD; I find happiness in daily life; I find freedom– or freedom has found me. Thank you, God.

How fitting to be reminded of my freedom on Memorial Day weekend. I am grateful, so grateful, for every freedom. I remember.

Co-Morbidity

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comorbidDo you know the term?

Co-morbidity is the presence of one or more other disorders co-occuring along with the primary one. For those of us with OCD, our OCD is often co-morbid with depression. The depression seems to usually be a result of the OCD (as opposed to the other way around).

On their website, the Stanford School of Medicine writes:

Patients with OCD are at high risk of having comorbid (co-existing) major depression and other anxiety disorders. In a series of 100 OCD patients who were evaluated by means of a structured psychiatric interview, the most common concurrent disorders were: major depression (31%), social phobia (11%), eating disorder (8%), simple phobia (7%), panic disorder (6%), and Tourette’s syndrome (5%).

They also say:

In Koran et al.’s 1998 Kaiser Health Plan study, 26% of patients had no comorbid psychiatric condition diagnosed during the one year study period — 37% had one and 38% had two or more comorbid conditions. These proportions did not differ substantially between men and women. The most commonly diagnosed comorbid conditions were major depression, which affected more than one-half, other anxiety disorders, affecting one-quarter, and personality disorders, diagnosed in a little more than 10%.

OCD is enough of a beast on its own, but the truth of the matter is that many who struggle with OCD are fighting other demons too.

In my experience, OCD and depression teamed up against me, though, as I wrote before, the depression was secondary to the OCD (in that it was caused by the OCD). Some days I would be full of intense, manic fear caused by OCD, and other days all my sharp edges would be dulled by depression and a feeling that nothing in the world sounded exciting or worthwhile.

I’m so grateful that when ERP helped me steal power away from OCD, the upshot was that depression was defeated too.

For (lots!) more about OCD and ERP, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

 

Image credit: Gerald Gabernig

 

Not a Therapist, Just a Resource

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unsplash5It’s true: I know a fair amount about OCD. I experienced it for 20 years, I successfully went through ERP therapy, I wrote an (unpublished) novel about a character who struggled from it, I am part of the leadership team for OCD Twin Cities, and I blog about it regularly.

But I’m not a therapist.

I’m only a resource. I can tell others what I know, what I’ve experienced, what to look for in an ERP therapist, what books might be helpful, etc.  But I cannot walk them, hand-in-hand, through exposure therapy. I have to remind others AND MYSELF of this. Often.

To those of you who blog about OCD and ERP, do you have this same problem?  How do you handle it?

For (lots!) more about OCD and ERP, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Image credit: Unsplash