Category Archives: real life

Perfectionism Digs a Deep Hole

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Exhibit A.

doubt

Exhibit B.

mm no

Exhibit C.

ideas

Exhibit D.

brene

Exhibit E.

Runner crossing finish line

Achiever. That’s honestly my #2 strength after Learner via StrengthsFinder. But so often it doesn’t feel like a strength; it feels crippling.

Perfectionism is something I’ve battled my whole life. I didn’t just want an A on the test, I wanted the highest score in the class. I might get 100% but if someone else also got an extra credit point, I’d feel like I didn’t perform well.

Performer. My freedom from OCD has given me so much freedom in this area too. I’m learning that my worth isn’t based on my performance.

But it’s still a lie I all too often believe.

I’m a writer. But I can never measure up to my own standards for myself, and so I walk around defeated even when I’m living my dream.

I don’t have answers to this. I just needed to share. Thanks for listening.

Hot Cocoa. Again. Please.

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I just need to blather for a while, friends. Got your hot cocoa? Good. Let’s go.

I got some tough feedback on my novel last week. And I fell apart. Temporarily. As in, for about half an hour. This is improvement, folks. It’s just hard– so hard– so unbelievably hard– to pour your soul into something and then have it found wanting. (Nevermind that I myself find the manuscript wanting. It’s an entirely different thing to hear someone else voice it.) I tried to hold it together. I tried not to cry. Then I figured, what the heck, and let myself. Then I couldn’t stop for a while. I had a couple minutes where I thought, I can’t do this. This isn’t the life for me. I’ve moved on from that dark place. For now.

What sucks is that there’s more (and worse) coming. Last week were the preliminary thoughts. Soon there will be the smack-down. I’ll probably cry again, probably consider abandoning the life of publication for a while. But I’ll also probably bounce back, revise like hell, and come out on the other side with something I’m proud of.

I read somewhere that writers have to have thin skin in order to write well but thick skin in order to publish. How do you have both? I know I wrote about compartmentalizing. I’m trying. I’m trying.

Star Wars was amazing. I’m so ready to be in the “safe zone” where I can talk through things without worrying about spoilers. Let’s just say that it was so refreshing to see a female lead like Rey. Daisy Ridley knocked it out of the park, and tonight I found myself tearing up over this article. (Warning: spoilers!)

I got the sweetest message from a reader on Instagram. truest messageMoments like this make the pain of publication so worthwhile. And notice that I said the pain of publication. I’m starting to separate things a little bit: the writing is a joy. The publication process is what’s so hard, I think. (And don’t get me wrong– I have an editor with a heart the size of the ocean. It’s not her. It’s me.) Even above where I wrote about “considering abandoning the life of publication”– I wouldn’t consider abandoning writing. I have to write. It’s my calling. I would feel so vacant if I wasn’t creating.

But publishing. Man, is it ever hard. At least, it is for me. I wonder if I will still feel this way after I can no longer count my books on one hand.

I’ve read four hard books in a row. About mental illness. Abortion and depression. The Holocaust. Losing the physical ability to pursue one’s dreams. I haven’t reviewed them all. I’m not sure that I will. I really like for my blog to be a place where I can really sing about the books I’ve loved. Not that I want to read fluff! I’m never really one for fluff. But maybe I need a little fluff. The last four books just pressed me deeper and deeper into the earth. I need a book to hold out a hand to me, pull me out of the hole. Any suggestions? These are the next ones on my radar, but I’d love to hear your suggestions.

next reads

It’s snowing in Minneapolis tonight. It’s not supposed to stop until 6 pm tomorrow. And I’m okay with it. For tonight. For this exact moment.

How are you, my friends?

 

 

Christmas (Spoilers) & Star Wars (No Spoilers)

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My Christmas was truly lovely. I spent it with my mom, dad, brother, and sister, and it was low-key and amazing and just what I needed it to be. The Christmas Eve service at my home church, which can sometimes give me anxiety, was really beautiful. We ate a lot of great food, but the best meal of all was the communion. I love that the cross was the center of our Christmas.

merry star wars

On Christmas Eve, we exchanged presents and watched Star Wars VI; on Christmas Day, we went to see Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens. We thought it would be crazy-busy, but there were only three families in our theatre! It. was. amazing. Everything I wanted it to be. The acting was incredible, the story was excellent, and the nostalgia was intense.

(Belated) Merry Christmas, friends!

Staying with God

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A long time ago, I got this question from a blog reader: How did you make the decision to ‘stay’ with God when your struggles came from that relationship?

I think I’m ready to write about that now.

White wall texture with a chair

So … for those of you who are newer to the blog, a bit of backstory: I battled with OCD– mostly of a spiritual nature– for about twenty years before I finally underwent treatment. While OCD has told me countless lies, the hardest one was that I was not loved and accepted by God and that I was going to hell. Nearly all of my battles with OCD had their root in this lie. It was– and remains– my worst thing imaginable (which, of course, is what OCD goes after).

I know that some people who have battled with OCD of a scrupulous or spiritual nature have eventually walked away from the faith. My understanding (though I could be wrong) is that the guilt and fear and, oh, lifestyle guidelines are too severe, so they end up having to distance themselves from it all in order to maintain some semblance of sanity and freedom.

As I said, I could be describing that wrong. The truth is that I’ve never understood it. My OCD centered around the idea that God was the most important person in my life and my fear was that I did not have him … or could not … or that he would refuse to have me. When that was my most intense terror, where would the relief have come from by choosing to walk away myself? I would have been willfully walking into that which was my darkest fear.

So, for me, clinging to Christ was my only hope in the midst of such darkness. Had I let go, I’d have been choosing the terror I was desperately trying to avoid.

Praise God that– while I was clinging to him, so afraid of falling– I was safe in his hands. I just didn’t know it. There is a difference between fearing that a chair will not hold you and a chair that will really not hold you. A huge difference. That said, the fear alone may keep you from enjoying the chair. But for those of us with OCD, our fears and our reality might be miles apart, but we’ve lost the ability to see that gaping chasm between them.

That’s where treatment comes in. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy saved my life and gave me new eyes to see the difference between my fears and the truth. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but 5000% worth it. Today I get to enjoy my relationship with Christ in ways my OCD prevented me from in the past.

If you want to learn more about my faith, click here.
If you want to learn more about OCD and ERP, click here.

If We Were Having Hot Cocoa

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Mine has a shot of coconut and one of almond: liquid Almond Joy. How about yours?hot cocoa.jpg

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you I’m so ready for 2015 to be over. The holidays stress me out, and most years I long for them to be behind me. I want to just curl up in my bed and wake up on January 1. But that’s not how life works, at least for this girl. How are you feeling about Christmas and New Years?

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you it’s getting cold in Minnesota. I only noticed it on Friday, actually. It’s been so ridiculously nice (thanks, El Nino!) that I sometimes feel like, “We’re not in Minnesota anymore, Toto,” but on Friday, there was such a crisp, deep freeze in the air. It made me feel depressed. I wonder if, when I’m older, I’ll be the kind of person who winters in a warmer place. So many of my friends love Minnesota’s four seasons, love the snow, even love the cold … but I can’t seem to share in that joy. Especially when I consider that– technically— winter hasn’t even started yet. What’s the weather like where you’re from?

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you that I’m surprised by [highlight for Truest spoiler] how many people think West cheated on Elliot by kissing Silas. I guess I never thought of it that way. And I even consider [cheating] one of the things I also dislike in books! I’ve been wowed by how many reviewers bring it up. Sigh.

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you that I have some exciting opportunities on the horizon. Unfortunately, that’s all I can say about that. But if you’re the praying sort of person, you could certainly pray about this for me!

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you my thoughts about compartmentalization are changing. Growing up (and especially growing up in an evangelical culture), I was always told that compartmentalization was wrong. I needed to be fully who I was at all times. It had to do with integrity, I think. Last Tuesday, the Fearless Fifteeners did a #15eradvice session on Twitter (if you have a book coming out, go look it up– lots of great stuff there!), and one thing that Victoria Aveyard, author of Red Queen, posted really resonated with me:

Compartmentalization as a healthy coping mechanism. I wanna try. What do you think about this– can you compartmentalize in a healthy way?

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you how much hope I have for 2016. I have a good set of realistic goals in place, along with a realistic plan for achieving them; I have new opportunities arising; I have finishing Yes Novel on the horizon and figuring out what I want to tackle next. What are you excited about in 2016, friend?

7 Things You Never Knew About Me

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7 things1. When I was little, I was so shy I could barely talk to grown-ups. My dad would take me to the local bowling alley and let me get a candy bar if I’d ask for it myself at the bar. Somewhere I found the guts … anything for chocolate!

2. I’ve always battled with the desire to be the best. I didn’t just want an A; I wanted the best score in the class. I’m still this way. Sometimes I think it’s served me well (I’m a hard worker), but sometimes it kicks my butt (no one can be perfect– not everyone is going to love me … or my stories).

3. I can probably out-passive-aggressive you. That said, I have no qualms in asking for what I want.

4. I’ve been recruiting for almost a dozen years now. It’s a weird and not too enjoyable feeling to watch the kids I recruited get married before me.

5. My particular combination of strengths means that productivity is rewarding to me and relaxation is hard to come by, partly because it’s not supremely enjoyable to me. I get more pleasure out of creating than resting.

6. Except for my 3 years in college and the 3 years after, I’ve always been debt-free. It’s overwhelming to take on a mortgage. I’m terrifically motivated to pay it off early.

7. Mediocrity terrifies me.

Questions from Blog Readers

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questions from blog readersWhy do your enjoy having your “heart pulverized” by books?
I don’t know. It seems masochistic, doesn’t it? I love the power of the written word, love the truths that fiction can expose us to without truly exposing us (Does that make sense to you? That makes sense to me.). I love the way that stories are dynamic, incredible things and the way that art– in any form– can make us feel alive.

What do you do when you aren’t writing?
I enjoy people and encourage them. I tell stories and jokes. I avoid cleaning. I waste time on social media. I make plans. I explore the Twin Cities. I recruit students to my university. I work on my blog. I read. I daydream about my characters.

How does faith intersect with your writing life, and what are your thoughts on “Christian” vs “non Christian” books when it comes to marketing in the pub industry?
If I think about a venn diagram where “my writing life” is one circle and “my faith” is another circle, it would look like two circles aligned directly on top of one another. Everything in my writing life (and all other areas of my life) is influenced by my Christian faith. My daily life (and the writing of my books) is done via continual conversation with my God.

Christian vs. non-Christian markets: I’m not entirely sure what I think. I knew that I wanted my book to not be labelled a “Christian” book because I felt like that would severely limit the audience that would pick it up. Also, when you see a book that is labelled “Christian,” you expect certain things from it, don’t you? And Truest is decidedly not a family-friendly, rainbows-and-kittens book. That said, it’s flabbergasting to me that “Christianity” could possibly mean “family friendly, rainbows-and-kittens.” The gospel itself is a story of mindblowing love, deep betrayal, and bloody, gruesome death– and also breathtaking victory. How in the world did “Christianity” come to mean anything else, anything so watered-down?

What is your favorite food?
Chocolate. Cheese. Chipotle. Really, anything that starts with ch. 😉

What is your favorite movie?
Newsies. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Harry Potter III, VII, and VIII.

Where I’d Like to Travel

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I’m a bit of a homebody, but if I had a travel partner, here’s where I’d like to go.

1. Australia
I want to meet Melina Marchetta and drive around to all the places that look like Jellicoe.

jellicoe2

[via MM’s blog]

2. England
Stop in at the “Bird and Baby” to imagine I’m part of the Inklings.

bird and baby

[via]

3. Italy
Wherever they filmed the Naboo scenes from Star Wars.

star wars

[via]

4. Alaska
Anywhere. Everywhere. Especially during the polar night– all that purple! I’d like to explore Fairbanks, where my characters in Truest lived.

polar night

 [via]

5. Finland
Specifically, Arctic Resort Kakslauttanen. Glass igloo + Northern Lights? Heck yes.

finland

Asking for Help

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I battled with undiagnosed OCD for fifteen years before I finally sought help. Now, that just seems silly.

These days, when I encounter a problem, I open my mouth and ask for help. This isn’t weak. It’s smart.

I’m so over the ridiculous stigma attached to this. There is nothing shameful about identifying areas where I struggle and then seeking out solutions. I celebrate my enterprising, aggressive spirit and commitment to health.

This post is not to toot my own horn but to give my blog readers another way of framing the often humbling experience of asking for help. Doing so is a brave, intrepid, wise move– don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Vintage inscription made by old typewriter

5 Secrets

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we all have secrets1. I worry that people won’t like Truest— or even worse, that it will fade into obscurity within months of its release. It happens all the time.

2. I wish I was married and am envious of my friends who are. I need to move to Australia. Just about any boy with that accent will do. 😉

3. I’m a feminist. I’m only starting to say it to people.

4. A superbly written book will delight me while simultaneously plunging me into a manic state. I worry so much that I won’t measure up.

5. When I haven’t seen someone in a long time and we get together, I spend the whole time imagining they are shocked by how unhealthy I am. It makes it hard to enjoy reunions that should be special.

Your turn.

P.S. Do you know who owns this image? It’s everywhere online, and I’d love to give proper credit.