Category Archives: real life

a confession

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Although cognitive-behavioral therapy threw off my OCD chains four years ago, I have to be honest: sometimes I worry that all the protective walls I’ve built around me will come crashing down.

I know that OCD is waiting just outside.  I see it in the parking lot sometimes.  Every once in a while it sneaks into my bedroom at night and sits menacingly on my dresser, whispering ugliness.

I have the tools to make it leave now.  It has to obey me when I tell it to go.

But what if one night I’m not strong enough?  What if my voice wavers, and it realizes I’m not as powerful as I try to sound?  What will I do if it pitches a tent in my apartment, moves back in with its suitcases of grief and terror?

I speak boldly of CBT and ERP as if they are stories of the past.  I say “freedom” like it’s a permanent thing.  But I can’t see even one second into the future.

Just wanted to share these thoughts with my OCD community.  I have great joy, and I delight in my remission, but I’m a real person with real fears.  As I’ve said before, I won’t tiptoe around my OCD– but I’m not going to provoke it either.

scary

an exciting update!

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I have some exciting news!

I was just admitted to grad school, and though I won’t be starting until January 2014, I am so eager to pursue my MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults at Vermont College of Fine Arts.  It is a low-residency program, which means that I will still live in Minnesota, stay working at Northwestern, and do much of my program online and through correspondence, but once each semester I will travel out to Montpelier for an intense 10-day residency full of lectures, workshops, and meeting with an advisor.

You might remember that, at the start of the year, I was saying how my life is different than I’d imagined it would be at 31, and that I’d always expected to have an advanced degree by now.  The thought wouldn’t leave me, so I started to investigate graduate programs around the country.  I was drawn to VCFA for its low-residency format and how it is project-based and because it is one of only a few schools that has an MFA specific to YA writing.  Also, this is the school where Jandy Nelson, author of the incredible The Sky is Everywhere, attended!  The idea kept taking root, and when my friend Hannah asked me, “Would you go if it was free?” and I answered, “Yes!” without a moment’s hesitation, my true desires were revealed to me.

So I applied right after I got home from the writing workshop in California, sending them the newly revised first 25 pages of my manuscript, along with a critical essay, and a personal essay, and I’ve been pretty quiet about it on my blog because I didn’t want to have to reveal to the world wide web that I’d been rejected if that’s what happened.

But it didn’t!

I’m so thrilled.  I chose to defer to the January semester because of my roommate Desiree’s wedding this summer and so that I would have until the end of the year to polish and finish the novel I am writing now (which you all see snippets of here and there and everywhere).  I wanted to start grad school with a blank slate so that I wouldn’t be pining away for an unfinished project the whole time.

So, there’s my news!  I’m doing cartwheels of joy!

cartwheel2

Asking the Tough Questions

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confused boyThe Wednesday before Easter, my dear friend Ashley and I went to a performance of “Kingdom Undone,” which was showing at the Southern Theater in Minneapolis.  This was a story of days leading up to Christ’s death, but the emphasis … was on Judas Iscariot.

The betrayer.  The traitor.  But in this play, a lover of Christ who misunderstood just what the coming of Christ’s kingdom would truly look like.  A zealous believer who thought he was doing what was right, even what was needed of him.

It was fascinating.  Afterward, Ashley and I could not quit talking about Judas and his role in Christ’s death, both of us eager to return to Scripture to measure our thoughts against Truth.

I want Judas to be redeemed.  So badly.  Mostly because I think that would make for the best story.

That alarmed me for a little bit, made me really uncomfortable.  Was I imagining that I could make an “improvement” on the gospel story (if Judas was not under grace)?  The gospel is my FAVORITE story.  It’s like how I’d feel if someone wanted to change the ending to The Last Battle or something.  (Potentially– I still have not totally landed on what I think was Judas’ fate.  Although scripture does say, “Satan entered into him.”  But we also do know that he regretted his choices– deeply.)

Anyway, it’s good for this obsessive-compulsive to sit with troublesome uncertainty.  Once upon a time, these kinds of questions would have collapsed me, but now I’ve learned to sit with them.

…

Another of my friends emailed me this week with an unrelated faith crisis as she struggles to reconcile the (vengeful, confusing, sometimes bloodthirsty) God of the Old Testament with the (merciful, loving, gracious) Christ of the New Testament.  They are, after all, one and the same.  But she loves Jesus, she told me, and is pissed at the OT God and trying to struggle her way through the dissonance.

I wonder the same thing sometimes too.  The Old Testament and New seem so vastly different.  But I know that the Law was a tutor to lead us to Christ, and I know that the God of the Old Testament orchestrated the whole beautiful gospel from before time began, so they do flow together.  I know that God welcomed Gentiles like me in order to make Israel jealous, and I am forever grateful to be a wild shoot grafted into the natural tree.

This post doesn’t have a lot of answers, and I think that’s okay.  I’m learning to ask the tough questions and to sit without an answer, wait in that uncomfortable silence because God is still holy there.

Jackie’s Book Awards

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Inspired by Tara, The Librarian Who Doesn’t Say Shhh, and her end-of-the-year Superlatives Awards.

I. Books

Book I’m always recommending: Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta

Best re-telling of a popular story: Tiger Lily by Jodi Lynn Anderson (it’s a fresh look at Peter Pan)

Best companion book: Fire by Kristin Cashore (companion to Graceling, but it works as a standalone)

Most original and imaginative: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Biggest tear-jerker: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, followed closely by A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

Like reading my own biography: Kissing Doorknobs by Terri Spencer Hesser

Most interesting premise: Every Day by David Levithan and Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Deepest meaning: The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

Best prose: three-way tie between The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson and Peace Like a River by Leif Enger and The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle

Best story arc in a series: Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

Everything-Falls-Into-Place Award: When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead and HP & the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling and Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

Creepiest: This is Not a Test by Courtney Summers

Best book for boys: tie between Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card and Wrestling Sturbridge by Rich Wallace

Hard book to get into but totally worth it: That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis

Best short stories: The Facts Behind the Helsinki Roccamatios by Yann Martel and The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

II. Characters

Most different character: tie between Stargirl Carraway of Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli and Quintana of Froi of the Exiles and Quintana of Charyn by Melina Marchetta

Best boyfriend: three-way tie between Augustus Waters (The Fault in Our Stars), Jonah Griggs (Jellicoe Road), and Will Trombal (Saving Francesca)

Most chilling: Mr. Loomis in Z for Zachariah

Best best friends: Taylor and Raffy in Jellicoe Road and Harry, Ron, and Hermione in Harry Potter

Best animal character: Charlotte A. Cavatica in Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White

Best narrator: Death in The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Sweetest child: Eva in Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

Most changed character: Jean Valjean in Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

Character I want to be friends with: Rae in Rosie by Anne Lamott

Character I love to hate: Dolores Umbridge in HP & the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Character I just plain hate: Simon Price in The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling

Character you want to live next door to: Sam Hamilton in East of Eden by John Steinbeck and Chaz Santangelo in Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta

III. Scenes

Best theological discussion in fiction: a large portion of Perelandra by C.S. Lewis and East of Eden by John Steinbeck

Most intense scene: Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis

Steamiest scene: Jace and Clary, all the time, but especially in City of Glass and City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

Best sexual tension: Perry and Aria while he teaches her how to tell if berries are poisonous (yes, really!) in Under the Never Sky by Veronica Rossi

Sweetest: when Eleanor and Park hold hands for the first time in Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell

Most disturbing: you’ll know it when you read it in Unwind by Neal Shusterman (I thought I was going to throw up)

Most fascinating conversation in the face of great danger: walking through the Red Bull’s lair in The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle

Best opening line: “What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died?” in Love Story by Erich Segal

Biggest cliffhanger: Froi of the Exiles by Melina Marchetta

girl reading

the power of one poem

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My best friend Erica is four years younger than me, so I was already done with college before she even started it– and when the time came, she headed off to school in Chicago, leaving me behind in the Twin Cities to carve my way without her.  Our friendship had never been tested by distance before– who were we to know if it could withstand all those miles?

About a month into the school year, I drove out to Chicago to spend the weekend with her, and one night, we ended up sitting alone in a lounge, share our hearts and secrets and fears, our prayer requests, our tears.  And that’s when I knew our friendship was a lasting one.

I wrote a poem about it, about three years after college graduation.  It was actually a big deal because– surprise, surprise– I actually didn’t write for the first three years after I got my writing degree.  My creativity was sapped, my OCD was out of control, and I hadn’t experienced enough of life yet to really have much to say.

So this poem was important.  Not only did it get my creative juices flowing again, but when I stumbled upon a girl from my writing program in a stairwell one day, I mentioned to her that I had been working on this poem and asked if she’d take a look.  Anna and I started to meet together to talk about writing and soon decided to invite others to join us.  That is the start of my writing group, which is still going strong in our seventh year.

All that to say, the following is not the best work I have ever produced– but it is one of the most important poems I have written because of all that transpired after.  Seven years later, I am working hard on my second manuscript, maintain a daily blog, and Can. Not. Stop. Writing.

Enjoy!

KNIT
for eir

This September day is costumed in summer’s silly charm,
and wonder itself walks the streets of Chicago, a gentleman
bidding good day to friends drunk on the festive flavor of reunion.

Distance, an unfamiliar bully, tests their untried alliance but
is curbed by a charming exchange in a dormitory lounge; Chicago lights
and dirty street sounds don’t breach the quiet dark of this room
to bother best friends who sit and weep together
for the near or distant future. 

With juvenile delight, they grasp hands (and their friendship)
and hold tight.  A wild disclosure of laughter, tears, and stories,
all exposed to the eavesdropping couch that’s received them
and to the mural on the far wall featuring an old hymn’s lyrics:
“Come, Ye Sinners,” and they do.  Come.
To the throne of their able King, whose steady hands,
cupped and strong, award solid and abundant support.

Rallied in aggressive prayer, the girls are shored for survival
while joy rises and falls: offering and receipt.
Their celebrated plans could not conceive this conversation

and the beautiful crux: forever exists for them,
but it seems more important that
now they are here.

eir and me!

eir and me!

four of the early writing group members ... all four are still in it!

four of the early writing group members … all four are still in it!

 

OCD and my family

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Before my life-changing round of exposure and response prevention …

Me: Sad, guilty, full of continual anxiety and doubt.  I had this amazing family, friends who deeply loved me, and a college degree in a field that I loved … but I was a soul in anguish.

Dad: Upset, frustrated, reluctant to discuss anything OCD-related.  He couldn’t understand how my life could be so good and yet I could be so sad.  I think it was hard for him to see his daughter suffering from a pain he couldn’t fix.

Mom: Sympathetic, sorry, and wondering if she was to blame for this disorder that was ravaging her eldest.

Sister: Confused and scared.  Sharing a room with me, she had fallen asleep to the sound of my tears every night for– literally– years.  And now, all these years later, she feels guilty that she had listened to me when I asked her not to tell.

Brother: Annoyed.  Why couldn’t his oldest sister just be normal for once instead of a nutcase?

OCD affects the whole family.

I am so grateful that God led me to the exact right doctors to help me!  My psychiatrist got me onto the right cocktail of medication and referred me to cognitive-behavioral therapy, which changed my whole life!

These days, my whole family revels in my rescue!  I just got off the phone with my brother, and he said, “I can really only remember the good things.”

I am glad.

© Images by Marguerite

© Images by Marguerite

7 Random Facts About Me

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I decided to jump aboard the 7 Random Facts About Me meme for today, so without further ado …

1. You all probably know that I majored in English with a concentration in writing, but I also have minors in history and Bible.

2. I have trichotillomania, which means I pull out my hair when I get stressed.  I don’t have bald patches like some of the more extreme tricho cases, but I do have a little “tuft” of hair that is continually growing in from the spot where I pull.  I style my hair to disguise this!

3. I am the oldest of three kids (and I display pretty much ALL of the oldest sibling traits!).  My sister Kristin is 3 years younger than me, and my brother Kevin is three years younger than Kristin.  They are both AWESOME.

4. I sponsor three children in the Philippines through Compassion International, an organization that continues to impress me year after year with their commitment to releasing children from poverty in Jesus’ name.  My kiddos’ names are Jona (17), Antonio June (13), and Bea (10), and they are so sweet and delightful and send me lovely letters (I save each one).

5. I don’t watch TV during the week, but I do enjoy SNL on Saturday evenings!  Stefon is my favorite!

6. I rarely listen to the radio or to any music in my car.  Instead, I enjoy audiobooks!

7. I’m a Nerdfighter!

Your turn!!  I want to know some random facts about YOU … and what you think about mine!

nerdfighter

Duck Duck Gray Duck

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I love Minnesota.

I love the people.  I love the long Os.  I love that we’re the only state that calls the game “Duck Duck Gray Duck” instead of “Duck Duck Goose.”  I love the midwestern friendliness and how fast people talk.  I love the small towns, like Kimball, where I grew up.  And I love the big cities, like Minneapolis, where I live now.

It’s true that our winters get dangerously cold.  People seem to have a lot of road rage.  The mosquitos are the size of small birds.  Oh, and we’ve perfected the art of passive-aggressiveness.

But it’s home.

Did you know that the Twin Cities has more cultural arts opportunities per capita than anywhere in the US besides New York City?  We’ve been named the Most Hipster State in the US.  We’re the third happiest state.  And we’ve got so much water!  The Land of 10,000 Lakes actually has almost 12,000.

I love living here.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes in the middle of a blizzard or when my car hits the black ice.  But it really is great.

What do you love best about where you live?

minnesota love

Quite Literally

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During the many years of my life when OCD was in charge of me and not the other way around, one thing that it demanded was that every single thing I say be true– literally true.

There were no sudden exclamations to friends of “You’re my favorite!”  No declarations of “This is the best!”  If I was leaving a voicemail at 12:14, I wouldn’t say, “Hey, it’s quarter after; call me back.”  There just wasn’t any room for that in my mind and in my life.

Lyrics were difficult.  I was very careful with what lyrics came out of my mouth; I didn’t want to make any promises or statements that I couldn’t hold to or that weren’t true.  I had to stay one step ahead of the singer to gauge whether it was okay for me to sing those words.

I remember one evening, I was singing along in my car to an Andrew Peterson song.  In it, he is singing to God, and the lyrics are, “I will sing your song from sea to shining sea.”  As soon as the lyrics flew off my tongue, I started to think about how I now was required to plan a cross-country roadtrip just to keep my word.

As a writer, I was very timid about memoir, believing that if I didn’t get every detail right, it would amount to a sinful travesty.  Dialogue?  Way too risky.

Even sarcasm was difficult sometimes, though I never entirely abandoned it.  I did wonder for a time if writing fiction was sinful in and of itself, since the stories were made up … you know, lies.

I tiptoed for so many years.  I was so exact, so literal, so bent on perfection.

Today, I am an honest woman– but I have freedom.  When I tell stories, I don’t worry about getting every detail right.  I have space in my life to breathe.

shhh