How I Feel Tonight (and it’s not good)

Posted on July 26, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Let me be clear … I have had an overwhelmingly positive response to my novel so far. Right now, two editors and six agents are reading part or all of my novel, including one who said she was “captivated.”

But tonight I am anticipating rejection, and it’s as if my own mind is sabotaging itself. I am preparing to be let down.

I feel foolish. I feel silly. I feel like, How could I have thought I could write something good?

I think I’m just terribly stressed– the wedding is two weeks from today, and I have convinced myself that no one will like my manuscript, and I’m not eating bread or sugar, and I feel like I want to eat Nutella with a frickin’ spoon tonight.

I keep saying to myself, “Who did you think you were– C.S. Lewis? It takes someone much more special and gifted than yourself to write about Christ in a way that is accessible to non-Christians.”

It is SO HARD to write about Jesus in a way that is free of oversentimentality and yet full of mystery and meaning. I so desperately want to be that writer who can do so– but I feel like I’ve been kidding myself.

I want skill and talent and truth and the right words, and I feel so frustrated and foolish. And those eight people have not even said no. Why do I do this to myself? Does anyone else prepare themselves for rejection in this way?

TV Shows of my Youth

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Random 5 Friday is a weekly meme over at A Rural Journal.

Today I want to tell you about the shows I grew up watching!

1. Rescue 911. Narrated by William Shatner, baby. Is there something strangely gruesome about three kids who would hustle through baths and into pajamas in time to watch a show reinacting crimes, injuries, and accidents? We loved it. And we especially loved the end where Shatner would say, “Next time, on RESCUE ………………………………………… 911.” The pause was Seacrest-worthy.

2. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I can’t have been the only young girl with a devastating crush on Sully.

3. Square One TV. My siblings and I didn’t even realize we were being tricked into learning math. The best part of this show was the last 10-15 minutes, featuring MATHNET, where two mathematicians solved crimes. (It was like the original NUMB3RS!) My sibs and I geeked out on MATHNET, pretending to punch details into our fake calculators right along with the investigators, and doing a three-way high-five when we’d solve a crime. George Frankly was the name of the male investigator. Over the years, he had two female partners: Kate Monday and Pat Tuesday. And no, I didn’t have to look any of this up either. 🙂

Bottom left: Pat Tuesday and George Frankly

4. Ghostwriter. WORD! “He’s a ghost, and he writes to us. Ghostwriter. What a trip!” Another mystery-solving show, this time featuring a team of kids from the city solving cases with the help of a ghost who could read. Again, tricked into learning! Gotta love it! My sister even carried around a “case book” and wrote to “GW.”

5. Boy Meets World. Heck yes. Shawn, Corey, Topanga and gang were featured in the show to watch in junior high and high school. Did you know that there is a companion series coming out soon called Girl Meets World, featuring Corey and Topanga’s daughter? Danielle Fishel and Ben Savage are returning!

What were your favorites?

Dear Diary

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I thought I’d share a little bit about my real life as of late for those of you who are interested.

I just went on vacation with my ever-lovely friend Elyse. A short trip into southern Wisconsin (with a minor accidental crossing into Illinois … stupid detour!) to stay at an old hardware store renovated into a neat little loft. We made it our home for a few days, and we worked. Elyse focused on blogging and reading while I did some writing, a little bit of blogging and reading, and a lot of research into my query letter and hook. Having Elyse there was like having my own personal writing therapist. SO. GOOD. In the end, here’s my hook: “Summer romance, small-town secrets– and the darker side of philosophy.”

We also visited The House on the Rock while we were in Wisconsin. Sensory overload– but of the best kind possible. It’s essentially a three-part museum of weird collections: music machines, dollhouses, a few carousels. An infinity room. It was like pure fodder for two writers. Awesome– and a little creepy at times. So glad we went!

Ben, the editor I’ve been working with, finished the line edits to my novel! So after I got back from Wisconsin, I took my manuscript to task, made loads of changes (mostly pretty small things– conservation of words, taking out lots of italics. I go overboard on italics!). Then, armed with my revised query letter and revised manuscript, I queried a series of literary agents yesterday. (I don’t even really like to say so in case querying completely bombs– though one editor [a gal I met at the Big Sur workshop] asked to read the full manuscript already!)

Desiree’s wedding is less than a month away, and I’m so nervous I’m going to be an ugly bridesmaid. This is causing a fair amount of stress in my life, which I detailed to my new psychiatrist last week before vacation. It’s weird to have a new psychiatrist, but it’s necessary since my hero Dr. Suck Won Kim retired last September. The new doctor seems quite brilliant though, and together we are devising a slight change to my medication regime to allow me to sleep better. (Has anyone had any success with Trazodone? I’m terribly sensitive to it– the first time I tried it, I slept through four alarms and into the afternoon, oops!) The new doctor thinks if I dissolve half a pill in four oz. of water, then drink just one oz. that might be my right dosage. Definitely willing to try!

How I’m hoping my hair looks for the wedding

Now that I’ve queried several agents, it’s time to play the waiting game: YUCK. Therefore, I’m going to start a new project right away. Yes, that’s right– you heard it here first. I’m diving into writing a new novel first draft before grad school starts in January. Am I insane?

On the roommate front, I met a new girl named Chelsea who is moving into the apartment in September! She came over to the apartment to check it out and so that we could meet. It went well, and on her way out the door, she glanced at a bookshelf, and said, “Is that The Last Unicorn? I love that book!” It was meant to be.

Hmmm, what else, what else? Northwestern College successfully made its transition to University of Northwestern!

That’s all for today, folks!

My YouTube Obsession

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Random 5 Friday is a weekly meme over at A Rural Journal.

Today … details about my YouTube obsession!

1. The VlogBrothers (Hank and John Green) are my favorites. I’m a total Nerdfighter and watch every one of their videos, which are posted Tuesdays and Fridays. I proudly donated to Project for Awesome as a member of Nerdfighteria. On a strange but related note, I don’t watch but love to listen to the John Plays FIFA videos on HankGames, just so that I can soak up everything John Green has to say about (pretty much) any issue. Somewhere in the midst of learning John’s fascinating views on fan fiction, what minors should/shouldn’t be allowed to do, academic grades, writing and literature, etc., I ended up kinda falling in love with the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers.

FIFA

2. Miranda Sings makes me laugh almost every single video. Colleen Ballinger is the comedian behind the Miranda Sings characters, an awkward homeschooler with a horrible singing voice– but who thinks she’s incredible. My favorite part of each video are the “Fan and Hate Mail of the Day” bits. The hate mail is particularly enjoyable, especially because most people don’t know it’s an act. I hope I didn’t spoil it for you!

3. Craig “Wheezy Waiter” Benzine is one of the most creative people out there. If you watch even a week’s worth of his videos, you’ll already start to be a part of about 100 inside jokes. I wore my “Explosion Wednesday” t-shirt when Wheezy’s band Driftless Pony Club came to Minneapolis, and I definitely shouted, “I love you, Craig!” from the audience. Cuz I’m creepy like that, I guess.

4. The WHATTHEBUCKSHOW is another favorite. Michael Buckley reports on celebrity gossip in a fast-talking-no-holds-barred-hilariously-endearing way. He even replied to one of my comments, which, out of context, is going to make ZERO sense to you.

5. Nor can I get enough of Arturo Trejo, Alex Day, Kory DeSoto, and Mitchell Davis.

Bonus–

6. I think I might be a loser. 🙂

Writing: Counting the Cost

Posted on July 10, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

A few months ago, I attended a local writing conference for authors in the children’s and YA genres. One of the classes I attended was centered around the road to publication, and I was actually quite pleased to see just how much I already knew about this (long) journey, of which I’m still so far from the finish line.

The thing that stuck with me the most from the class was the way that the instructor would pause after each step (which essentially amounted to rejection after rejection after rejection!) and say, “And now you need to decide: am I really in this for the long haul? Am I going to stick with this?” At one of the later stages of rejection, she said, “You have to accept the fact that you might never get published. Do you still want to keep going?”

From time to time, friends and acquaintances will tell me that they’d like to write a book. And since I’m a writer, they’d like to hear what advice I might have.

So here it is:

If you want to write a book because you want to write, then do it.

If you want to write a book because you want to be published, then probably don’t.

Know this: writing a book is hard– especially writing a good book. A lot of people pursue not only an undergraduate education in how to write but also a master’s degree. Are you willing to spend several years (and this might also cost you some relationships, as you’ll need to spend a lot of time on your craft … time that will take you away from friends and family), tons of time researching (even if you’re not writing, for example, an historical novel, you will still need to do research for your book– and you’ll need to put in lots of time researching agents as well), and massive amounts of your energy (and your wallet might even take a hit– classes, workshops, and editing assistance all cost money) on a book that might never get published?

It’s a lot to consider.

Writing is a joy– one of the truest joys I’ve known in my life– and that is why my answer to the above question is YES.

What’s yours?

Here are some related posts I’ve enjoyed on other sites:
7 Reasons Writing a Book Makes You a Badass by Brian Klems
Telling Your Personal Story by Rachelle Gardner

A Metaphor for Obsessive-Compulsives

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

A new friend came over to my apartment the other week, and we got to talking about Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, and I shared a metaphor with her that I’d like to share with you now.

We put out fires, but what we need to do is shoot the arsonist.

The problem with attempting to “solve” an OC’s obsession is that, as soon as it’s solved, a new obsession will take its place. In that way, you’re only putting out fires, not dealing with the root issue, which is an inability to handle uncertainty. For years and years, I watched my obsessions hop from one thing to the next. My compulsions– and even my talk therapy sometimes– were shortsightedly stamping out the flames in one corner of my mind while OCD set a new fire in another corner.

How can you possibly manage to keep up that way? It’s not sustainable.

That’s why I agree with so many of the OCD experts in this country that the best way to fight OCD is with Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. ERP is so very different from most standard therapies. In it, obsessive-compulsives are exposed to a trigger that prompts in them deep anxiety; then they are not allowed to respond with an anxiety-easing compulsion. Instead, they are forced to sit in that discomfort. Doing this repeatedly actually re-wires the obsessive-compulsive’s brain in a way that they learn to live with uncertainty and their quality of life improves dramatically.

It’s been four years since I turned my attention from the bonfires to the disorder that was setting them.

It’s been a good four years.

Music & Me

Posted on July 5, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I’m a guest blogger today at Hardcovers and Heroines! To read my thoughts on the incredible value of a local writing group, click here!

Random 5 Friday is a weekly meme over at A Rural Journal.

Today I want to tell you about my relationship with music.

1. I was voted “Most Musical” of my senior class because I was a hardcore band nerd and played trumpet from 5th grade till graduation. I wanted to play the drums but wasn’t allowed because I am missing the very tips of two of my fingers on my left hand. (Surprise!) But I think all along I had more of a brass heart. 🙂

I knew everyone would want to see, so I’m posting this pic of my left hand. I took about one million shots, but no matter what, my hand looked chubby. I am, indeed, that pale, however. 🙂

2. I get wildly addicted songs and can listen to them on repeat for months.

3. Jazz band was my favorite to play in, but I was always terrified of improv jazz solos. (We OCs don’t like uncertainty, ha!)

4. When I’m writing a particular scene, I often create a playlist to match the mood of the scene. Creating the playlist usually takes longer than the writing. Doh!

5. I really like to write to lyrics-less soundtrack music since it’s not as distracting. I particularly enjoy Nicholas Hooper, Alexandre Desplat, and Harry Gregson-Williams.

A Closer Look at HOCD

Posted on June 30, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Since I first blogged about HOCD, more and more people have been coming out of the woodwork in my life to say, “That’s me.” I’m realizing every week just what a common OCD theme it is to struggle with and question one’s sexuality, even when there is really very little reason to do so. When I talk to obsessive-compulsives with HOCD, it’s very clear to me that they are straight (they want to be straight, they are not generally attracted to the opposite sex, etc.), but OCD– that old bastard– won’t give them any rest.

I decided to conduct a small, not-scientific-at-all study on my own so that I could compare responses and see what trends I could see. I asked the same 8 questions to 4 of my friends– one male and one female, each with HOCD, and one male and one female, both who are homosexual. I’m so grateful to them for their thorough and honest responses, which I have edited down without changing any of the meanings obvious in the larger context.

I’d like to share them with you.

1. When did you first start to wonder if you were gay? How old were you? Was there a particular experience that “triggered” your questioning?

2. When you first suspected you were gay, how did you feel? What emotions went through you, both as you considered what it would mean for yourself internally and for your relationships externally?

3. How long did the debating (am I gay/am I not?) last? Was this something you knew or something you were/are trying to figure out?

4. When you pictured yourself interacting romantically with someone of your same sex, what emotions did you experience? Also, how sure of those emotions were you? (Did you waffle back and forth between your reactions, or were you certain and set on a particular reaction?)

5. Did you/do you want to be gay?

6. Do you struggle/have you struggled with any OCD-related obsessions (HOCD or otherwise)? Have you been diagnosed with OCD?

7. In general, do you find yourself primarily attracted to the opposite sex or your same sex?

8. Do you find people of both genders attractive?

I’d be so fascinated to hear reactions to these answers from my blog readers. What did you notice? What surprised you? Are there any trends you are seeing or sensing?

A couple things I noticed:

* In both the male and female HOCD answers, their sexual questioning was triggered by a relatively minor event. In contrast, the homosexual response from both genders was more of a large-scale “I knew I was different.”

* My gay friends seemed to fear people’s responses and reactions more than they actually feared being homosexual.

* Both HOCD responses toward imagining romantic interactions with the same sex were primarily negative– disinterest, nausea– even though there may have been physical reactions that seemed to say otherwise.

* Those with HOCD thoughts were already deeply struggling with other areas of OCD.

* Everyone agreed that both genders can be attractive– but note that doesn’t equate being attracted to them.

I’d love to hear from my readers. What are your thoughts?

Disclaimer that I should probably have put at the top: I think it is obvious that this blog post is not at all about discussing the morality of homosexuality. This blog post is about discovering what we can about HOCD in comparison to homosexuality. All four of the people who so graciously agreed to be interviewed are my friends, if you think I will so much as let you breathe an insult in their direction, just get ready to feel my wrath. There are avenues for you to debate homosexuality and/or homophobia; this blog is NOT one. >calms down, flashes big smile<

Investments

Posted on June 28, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Random 5 Friday is a weekly meme over at A Rural Journal.

(By the way, I’ve started doing these Random 5 Fridays as a way for my blog readers to get to know me better. Is it working? So many of my other posts are about topics— and while you obviously learn my thoughts and opinions that way, you don’t always learn a lot about who I really am. I hope this meme is helpful in doing just that. If you have ideas for future Random 5 Fridays, please leave them in the comments!)

Today I want to tell you about the five items in my life I use almost every single day.

1. My bed. Oh my gosh, my bed is incredible. It’s this queen-size sleigh bed, and it has an incredible mattress and memory foam. I spent most of my life sleeping on an absolutely ancient old twin (through which the wire coils occasionally poked), and then of course there were the college dormitory beds, followed by this junky little thing I got after undergrad. But now. Now, I tell you, I am like royalty. (If only I could fall asleep and stay asleep … maybe it’s time for new meds.)

2. Narnia on audio. Without my Narnia discs, I couldn’t fall asleep at night. I’ve listened to them so much over the years that they are starting to wear out. I don’t know if I’ve ever worn out a CD before.

3. My laptop. Sweet little Samsung. (I refuse to buy Apple products.) As a writer, I use my computer every day!

4. My TOMS. This seems like such a silly thing to list, but I do find myself slipping into these ultra-comfy shoes nearly every day– and better yet, when I bought them, they donated a pair of shoes to a person in need.

5. My lap desk. Nerd alert! (As if the “Narnia on audio” didn’t already tip you off.) Because of the time I spend on my laptop, I either need to be at a table or to use the lap desk that my beautiful mom got me for Christmas a couple years ago. It too was falling apart at the seams, but nothing a little bottle of Super Glue couldn’t fix!

So, there you go. I feel like a dork for even blogging about this. You should probably give me some suggestions for future Fridays. 🙂

ERP & Imaginal Exposures

Posted on June 24, 2013 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I’ve written elsewhere on this blog about Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP) and how different my life is after I underwent an intense 12 weeks of this type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. ERP is exactly what the name says it is: you are exposed to something that will trigger your obsessions and then you are prevented from responding with a compulsion that will relieve your anxiety.

For example, someone who has contamination obsessions and hand-washing compulsions might be made to touch garbage and then is not allowed to wash her hands. Instead, she sits with that anxiety, feeling it intensely. If someone has HOCD obsessions and seeking reassurance compulsions, she might have to look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog and is not allowed to ask, “Am I gay? Am I straight?”

So, what happens when you have Pure-O obsessions? What if your obsession is that you will kill your newborn daughter and your compulsion is to stay away from her crib? What if your obsession is that you’re going to blaspheme God and go to hell and your compulsion is repeating a prayer in your head?

Then what? You can’t really kill your daughter (um, big DUH there, but you get it!) and you can’t really go to hell, so how in the world are you able to practice an exposure then?

“little sad song” by *TrixyPixie on deviantART

Imaginal exposures, baby. Brilliant and brutal.

In situations like these, what you might be expected to do is to write down all the ways you could kill your daughter, read it into a digital recorder, and then listen to it over and over. Or maybe you’ll create a story in which you go to hell, where you’re forever condemned, and you read that story again and again.

If you’re an obsessive-compulsive, trust me, these imaginal exposures are going to FREAK. YOU. OUT. They will be so triggering and so terrifying that your anxiety is going to spike, no problem.

Meanwhile, no compulsions allowed.

Meanwhile, ERP is re-wiring your brain.

Meanwhile, you’re stepping toward freedom. And “all” you had to do was listen to a story.

This was my particular brand of ERP actually. I had to listen to my recording for about 80 minutes a day until my anxiety levels (self-measured at the beginning, middle, and end) decreased by 50%. For the first ten weeks or so, my anxiety levels were NOT dropping, and I very nearly gave up. I mean, why put myself through this misery and terror every day if it was doing no good?

But then.

Sometime during week eleven, those anxiety levels started to drop. I developed a whole new way of looking at my intrusive thoughts. I tiptoed up to OCD. I can still remember the day when I was listening (again) to that horrid recording, and instead of feeling anxious, my thought was, “This is getting so annoying.”

And then I laughed … because … because finally. You know what I mean.

JACKIE LEA SOMMERS

Author & Advocate

Category Archives: real life

How I Feel Tonight (and it’s not good)

TV Shows of my Youth

Dear Diary

My YouTube Obsession

Writing: Counting the Cost

A Metaphor for Obsessive-Compulsives

Music & Me

A Closer Look at HOCD

Investments

ERP & Imaginal Exposures