enabling OCD and telling the truth

Posted on December 21, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I have not written about this in the past because this is not an area that I have a good grasp on. To me, there is a fine line between enabling an obsessive-compulsive and just being a helpful supporter of that person. When I was going through cognitive-behavioral therapy, my therapist had me tell my roommate and friends that they were no longer able to reassure me about anything silly. I was instructed to tell them that if they did this, it would interfere with my therapy and decrease its opportunity for success.

So, all those times when I would ask, “Do you think that is okay? Is this sinful? Do you think I’m going to hell?” … they were supposed to answer it with something like, “I’m not allowed to answer that question.” Or “I don’t answer silly questions.” Or “I’m not going to answer and enable your OCD.”

It’s a hard position for them to be in. For the OC too!

As a Christian who believes the Bible when it says, “The truth will set you free,” I had (and still have) a hard time thinking that it is not helpful for a friend to tell someone the truth– shouldn’t that help set them free?

But then I think how I asked those questions for years and years, and all that stated truth piled up like a mountain but never moved me. Why was it that listening to a LIE– an audio recording telling me repeatedly that I was going to hell– is what ultimately unlocked the doors of my prison?

A student at the university where I worked asked me that earlier this fall– how listening to a lie could rescue me. I didn’t have an answer for her then. The more I thought about it afterward though, I realized that what had happened was that listening repeatedly to a lie started to make the lie SOUND like a lie– and that was the truth! CBT helped me recognize truth, and so in that way, it was still truth that set me free.

Does that make sense?

I’m still processing all of this and would love insight on this!

OCD and the Unpardonable Sin

Posted on December 16, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Scrupulosity: OCD centered around religious themes.

The story of my life.

The obsession: for many years, my head would repeat blasphemous things over and over, sometimes triggered by certain sounds and sometimes by non-specific phrases about hell, demons, souls, the devil.

The compulsion: I began to repeat one particular phrase– “Father God, I love You”– over and over in my head as a way to stem the other thoughts.

It became very difficult to handle everything that was going on: these blasphemous thoughts would crowd me– I mean, really crowd me (the image I have is of these thoughts bumping and grinding on me like dirty brutes at a dance club), and I’d be warding them off by repeating this repetitive prayer over and over (and over and over and over). And on the outside, it didn’t look like anything.

Those who were closest to me (dear friends and roommates and family members) knew that I was going through hell, but they couldn’t see the battle that was taking place. They only knew of it when I told them or on nights when I broke down sobbing in fear of eternal damnation.

It is hard to describe exactly what it feels like to feel as though you’re wearing a sentence of hell on your shoulders. Here’s a shot:

Condemnation (or supposed condemnation) is like being in a tank of water with only inches of air at the top. You have to lean your head back to put your lips to the air, and the whole while you must keep treading water. There is no opportunity for distraction. It consumes every moment of your life.

Anyone reading this understand me?

If so, please read this sermon. I think it might help. My heart aches for you, but there is hope. Lovers of Jesus Christ don’t belong in hell. Let’s talk.

letting go of certainties

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I thought this picture was particularly fascinating because you can replace “creativity” with “cognitive-behavioral therapy.” And those are two of the most important things in my life.

I always thought that certainty was the goal and that doubt was the adversary, but it was just another lie.

What do you think of this quote?

all about CBT

Posted on November 19, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Some people have been asking for more details on cognitive-behavioral therapy, the incredible tool that God used to set me free from obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is my pleasure to share with you about CBT! Please note that I am not a mental health professional– but I did have a wildly successful experience with CBT and am a huge advocate.

This is the preferred method of treatment for OCD; specifically, it is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Long name, but actually, it is exactly what it says! The patient is exposed to something that triggers an obsession and then the response (the compulsion) is prevented. This therapy actually re-wires the brain– the brain physically changes in this therapy– and it helps an OC to live with uncertainty.

CBT either works or doesn’t in 12 weeks. My psychiatrist, national OCD expert Dr. Suck Won Kim, told me beforehand that it would be worthless to meet with a CBT therapist longer than 12 weeks and that Dr. Chris Donahue wouldn’t ask me to meet any longer than those 12 weeks. Three months. You can handle anything for three months, right?

The first couple weeks were most intake. Dr. Donahue asked lots of questions to help assess what my obsessions and compulsions were, and what triggered the obsessions. He was basically probing to find what buttons to push later: “How much would that stress you out if you couldn’t do XYZ after ABC happened?” and that sort of thing. I knew it would all come back to “haunt” me, but I was all in. This honestly felt like my last hope for a normal, happy life.

I took the YBOCS (Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale) test and found out that I was a moderate case, which surprised me. But then again, there are some people who can’t leave their homes, can’t touch a loved one, people who wash their hands with Brillo pads and bleach.

Dr. Donahue outlined the measurable goals of my treatment plan: a fifty-percent reduction in distress when focused on upsetting stimuli and six consecutive weeks of no avoidance or rituals. Three months was starting to sound like a long, long time.

Then Dr. Donahue and I wrote a story together. Well, he started it and it was my homework to finish it. Since my obsessions were primarily focused around hell, we had to do imaginative therapy (since, obviously, there is no way to really, literally expose me to hell). So I wrote this story about an imagined worst day ever (I mean, really bad– I go to hell in it). If you’d like me to share with you the story, I will.

My therapist recorded this story (along with his own additions to it) digitally, and I was sent home with an 18-minute recording from the pit of hell. My job was to listen to it four times a day– two times through, twice a day– every day and record my anxiety levels when prompted. And I needed to do this consistently until my anxiety levels reduced by 50% from what they were the first time through. Oh, and I couldn’t perform my compulsions either to make myself feel better.

It. Was. Awful.

I won’t lie to you, listening to that recording– that exposure– was like torture. It was being triggered left and right and not being allowed to do anything to ease my anxiety. Doesn’t this sound like some type of cruel and unusual punishment? It’s what it felt like, and I honestly wanted to quit at about week 8 or 9 when my anxiety levels weren’t dropping.

I hated it. It made me sick to my stomach, made my heart race, terrified me. I tried to listen to the recording right away in the morning, in order to get half of my required listenings out of the way early in the day, but eventually, I couldn’t do it that way anymore– the weight of beginning my morning in such misery made it hard to get out of bed, and I had to push it all back later in the day just so that I wouldn’t dread waking up.

But something clicked around week 10 or 11. Praise. The. Lord. It clicked, and all of the sudden, I was in the driver’s seat again! I controlled my OCD and not the other way around. One day I was listening to the recording– this device of torture and grief– and I thought, This is so annoying. And then I smiled and thought, Finally.

This, of course, is a brief description of my experience. I could tell you so many more things– about how hard it was, about what other exposures look like for other kinds of OCs, about the tools Dr. Donahue gave me for success. It’s all detailed in my fictionalized account of it, my novel Lights All Around, which you can read here.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do– but not as hard as living for 20 OCD-riddled years without help. I hated to go through CBT, but I loved to have gone through it. It rescued me and those twelve weeks are a defining period of my life. I remember being so angry and upset with my therapist, absolutely despising him and the exposures, and feeling certain that I was going to fail at this, my last shot at freedom. I very nearly quit.

But that moment came right before everything changed.

If OCD is ruining your life, you need to undergo cognitive-behavioral therapy. It will be hard. It will be hell. But it will be worthwhile.

Questions, anyone?

To read a stark account of my life before and after CBT, check out this blog post!

more thoughts on solipsism syndrome

Posted on October 14, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Solipsism syndrome is a psychological state wherein a person feels that the world is not “real.” It is only marginally related to the philosophical idea of solipsism (only knowing that you yourself exist and having no way to know with certainty that anyone else does).

All of this intrigues me because I myself went through a period of time where I was very detached from real life. In fact, for a time, I honestly wondered if people were really demons who wanted to somehow trick me into hell. There was a part of me that knew it was completely ludicrous. But I couldn’t let go of the idea that I was somehow stuck in my own personal Truman Show hell. I was withdrawn from everyone, living in fear and distrust, sadness and loneliness.

In my completely unprofessional and completely personal opinion, solipsism syndrome has a large connection to Pure O OCD. I am writing a story about a young lady with solipsism syndrome, and to me, it just SCREAMS, “Pure O!” over and over.

To me, the key to putting both OCD and solipsism syndrome under one’s foot is learning to embrace uncertainty.

It sounds so simple, but it’s incredibly hard to do. Cognitive-behavioral therapy was the tool in my life that helped me to do this.

slavery and freedom

Posted on August 13, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Last Thursday and Friday, I attended the Global Leadership Summit through a satellite site, and it was incredible. This was my second year attending, and both last year and this year were phenomenal. Essentially, the Willow Creek Association pulls together a knock-out faculty of world-class leaders to speak; it’s like being smacked upside the head (in incredible ways) each hour.

On Friday, Pranitha Timothy of International Justice Mission spoke about human trafficking and about her work with IJM to rescue many from slavery. It stirred my blood. It always does, to hear stories about slavery and freedom. I want my life to matter, want to do something important for the Kingdom. I could almost picture myself going into dangerous situations to pull children out of slavery and get them safely back into school.

On Saturday, I met with a college student whom I have known for about a year and a half, a young man who is living in his own personal OCD hell and is ready to break out of it by pursuing cognitive-behavioral therapy. We sat together, discussing OCD and how hard it was and how no one understands– but also CBT and how it can give him the tools to step from darkness into light. I told him that in just a short time, he could be free from OCD’s reign, and I realized …

I am an advocate for those in slavery seeking freedom.

I may not be rushing into workhouses to confront slave-owners or holding children in the midst of a chaotic rescue, but I am a CBT advocate, telling obsessive-compulsives over and over and over again that this is the way to freedom.

I still plan to support IJM financially (and you can too at http://www.ijm.org/give), but I realized that my personal rescue missions will look a little different.

eternal life

Posted on August 12, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Price: “Eternal life is not a substance, it is a Person, and it is enjoyed by knowing the Person. It is knowing God and knowing Christ.”

I remember reading this in college and having something click inside of me. It’s not about Heaven. It’s about JESUS. Which is why my favorite verse is now John 17:3, which says, “And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.”

It reminds me that my eternal life has already begun, since I know Jesus now and will continue to know him forever.

For someone who has religious-themed OCD and scrupulosity, this is like a rock beneath my feet.

Guest blogger! What If?????

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

One incredibly common theme for obsessive-compulsives is to obsess about one’s sexual orientation. A female OC could be attracted to men her whole life and have no real homosexual desires but she could still obsess like mad that she is secretly a lesbian … yes, in spite of having no feelings for women. Those who suffer from HOCD (homosexual OCD) are tormented by continual questioning of their sexuality. My blogger friend over at the Pure O Canuck Blog has written very honestly about this struggle. Thanks for checking out her blog and subscribing!
Thanks,
Jackie

What if?????
by Pure O Canuck

I’m back from my vacation, and amazingly – OCD gave me some much-needed reprieve. The hardest parts from an anxiety perspective were “getting there” and “getting back”. Don’t ask me why.

I was in Palm Springs with three friends. One of them was my closest girlfriend who I’ve known for over 25 years. We don’t live in the same city anymore, and she is married with kids, so it was a fantastic chance to re-connect, re-live old funny memories (we laughed so much!) and just relax. The weather was fantastic, and I had a wonderful time.

While we were visiting Palm Springs one of the large events taking place was an event called The White Party, which is a HUGE gay party. I laughed with my therapist that this would be a fantastic exposure for some of his male HOCD clients. For me, not so much. It was just a bunch of great looking athletic men walking around town. I did have a few triggers while on holiday though. One of them was reading one of the local tourist magazines – I read that Palm Springs has a large gay and lesbian population. Estimates are that at least 40% of the population is gay or lesbian. My mind said to me “With that large of population what are the odds that you’re not going to run into a lesbian???” Amazingly though, it wasn’t on my mind continuously. Another trigger was while we were at a restaurant. I was just people watching, and I saw two women walking out of the restaurant with their arms around each other. Then one of the women proceeded to grab the other’s bum. A small surge of anxiety, but nothing much.

I’m struggling with my exposure. And when I returned from my holiday, my therapist slammed me with reality. He was pretty hard on me (well, as hard as he can be on me…..he’s really a very kind guy). But he was realistic. You see, my latest BIG fear is that someday, given my history (horrible father relationship, unsuccessful relationships with men), I will meet a lesbian woman, become friends with her, and then fall in love. It’s along the same lines of my ROCD fear that I have when I’m in a relationship. I avoid other men because I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with someone else and have to leave my partner etc etc. My therapists response to this was: “Would that be so horrible if for some reason you found yourself in love with a woman?” (Of course then my OCD says “your therapist really thinks you’re bi-sexual and he’s now trying to help you come to terms with that”.)

WHAT? OF COURSE IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE!!! That’s why I have HOCD!!

I just really want to be able to let go of this fear. And my OCD wants me to figure out WHY I have this fear. Does it mean that I’m really afraid of my true self? Does it mean that I won’t ever truly be able to be happy until I figure this out? It’s so hard to find love these days, am I sacrificing my whole happiness by not opening myself up to being with a woman? Maybe I’m really bi-sexual? All of these crazy thoughts go through my head. It’s horrible.

(Just writing this blog post is an exposure for me, because my OCD is saying “These people are going to read this and think that I really DO sound like I might be bi-sexual.”)

Why can’t I just be like anyone else and live my life until something actually happens????

This theme is rampant in the lesbian community too. I’ve watched three movies with this theme. It goes something like this: The woman is living happily with her male partner, thinking, feeling straight, and along comes a lesbian woman who woos her into her web and their life is perfect, and wonderful and fantastic forever more. Learning to accept the fact that this might happen to me, and not avoiding is one BIG hurdle I have in order to overcome my OCD. It scares the crap outta me.

Another big theme we’re working on at the moment is the wonderful “groinal” response and arousal etc. For any of you who suffer from any kind of sexual obsession, you will understand the distress that this causes. I watched one of those aforementioned lesbian movies a few weeks ago, and I actually thought the movie was pretty good! (It was practically impossible for me to actually allow myself to like a lesbian movie by the way.) And watching some of those sex scenes were pretty darn sensual. Was I sexually aroused? I don’t know. Maybe? My therapist explains to me that people can get aroused from watching many types of sex scenes. But then my OCD says “You don’t get turned on when you watch heterosexual sex scenes.”. Some times I feel like my OCD wants me to just throw my arms up in the air and say “I’m gay!”. And be done with it all. Anyway, this “groinal response” is another big hurdle for me to overcome in my recovery. My therapist wants me to try and become sexually aroused while watching these lesbian movies. And live with the consequences. Right now I’m just trying not to figure it out one way or the other.

At the end of the day I have to accept that I COULD find myself falling in love with a woman someday. I have to accept that watching lesbian porn MIGHT turn me on sexually. But at this point COULD = WILL, and MIGHT = DOES. My therapist says that I have to want to overcome my OCD more than avoiding this possibility. When he puts it that way I find it SO HARD to commit. It’s days/times like these that I feel like I haven’t made any progress AT ALL.

Pure-O Compulsions

Posted on March 23, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Media usually presents obsessive-compulsives with very obvious compulsions: hand-washing is a favorite but also extreme organization and hoarding, as well as checking and counting. But not all compulsions are so easy to see.

In fact, some compulsions are so difficult to recognize that it lead to a misnomer– Pure Obsessional OCD. The name Pure-O leads some to believe that this type of OCD can essentially drop the “C” from its acronym. But that would be a mistake.

Pure-O’s still have compulsions– they are just harder for the public to notice. They include mental rituations like repetition, avoidance, and seeking reassurance.

For example:
I would have an intrusive, blasphemous thought– which would cause me to question my salvation. I would repeat a particular prayer over and over in my head to ward off this thought, and I would ask everyone if they thought I was going to go to hell (sometimes this would be active– “Do you think I’m going to hell?”– and sometimes passive, as in “I’m scared I’m going to go to hell” and waiting for that person to reassure me … “Why would you think that?! No way!”). I would also avoid certain things (Matthew 12 and Mark 3, for example, or movies with profanity, which would trigger my blasphemous thoughts).

Sometimes it was hard to really focus on a conversation I was having because there was another entire conversation happening in my head at the same time. It’s like listening to two tracks at once.

I wrote a poem to demonstrate it:

So … yeah. There are compulsions you would never know are there, except for the strange look in my eyes, the odd shake of my head as if I were erasing something dark and secret.

scrupulosity and the unforgivable sin

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Scrupulosity: OCD centered around religious themes.

The story of my life.