Scrupulosity: OCD centered around religious themes.
The story of my life.
The obsession: for many years, my head would repeat blasphemous things over and over, sometimes triggered by certain sounds and sometimes by non-specific phrases about hell, demons, souls, the devil.
The compulsion: I began to repeat one particular phrase– “Father God, I love You”– over and over in my head as a way to stem the other thoughts.
It became very difficult to handle everything that was going on: these blasphemous thoughts would crowd me– I mean, really crowd me (the image I have is of these thoughts bumping and grinding on me like dirty brutes at a dance club), and I’d be warding them off by repeating this repetitive prayer over and over (and over and over and over). And on the outside, it didn’t look like anything.
Those who were closest to me (dear friends and roommates and family members) knew that I was going through hell, but they couldn’t see the battle that was taking place. They only knew of it when I told them or on nights when I broke down sobbing in fear of eternal damnation.
It is hard to describe exactly what it feels like to feel as though you’re wearing a sentence of hell on your shoulders. Here’s a shot:
Condemnation (or supposed condemnation) is like being in a tank of water with only inches of air at the top. You have to lean your head back to put your lips to the air, and the whole while you must keep treading water. There is no opportunity for distraction. It consumes every moment of your life.
Anyone reading this understand me?
If so, please read this sermon. I think it might help. My heart aches for you, but there is hope. Lovers of Jesus Christ don’t belong in hell. Let’s talk.