scrupulosity and the unforgivable sin

Scrupulosity: OCD centered around religious themes.

The story of my life.

The obsession: for many years, my head would repeat blasphemous things over and over, sometimes triggered by certain sounds and sometimes by non-specific phrases about hell, demons, souls, the devil.

The compulsion: I began to repeat one particular phrase– “Father God, I love You”– over and over in my head as a way to stem the other thoughts.

It became very difficult to handle everything that was going on: these blasphemous thoughts would crowd me– I mean, really crowd me (the image I have is of these thoughts bumping and grinding on me like dirty brutes at a dance club), and I’d be warding them off by repeating this repetitive prayer over and over (and over and over and over).  And on the outside, it didn’t look like anything.

Those who were closest to me (dear friends and roommates and family members) knew that I was going through hell, but they couldn’t see the battle that was taking place.  They only knew of it when I told them (or on nights when I broke down sobbing in fear of eternal damnation … thanks for speaking truth to me those nights, Desiree!).

It is hard to describe exactly what it feels like to feel as though you’re wearing a sentence of hell on your shoulders.  Here’s a shot:

Condemnation (or supposed condemnation) is like being in a tank of water with only inches of air at the top.  You have to lean your head back to put your lips to the air, and the whole while you must keep treading water.  There is no opportunity for distraction.  It consumes every moment of your life.

Anyone reading this understand me?

If so, please read this sermon.  I think it might help.  My heart aches for you, but there is hope.  Lovers of Jesus Christ don’tbelong in hell.  Let’s talk.

7 thoughts on “scrupulosity and the unforgivable sin

  1. Thank you so much for your posts! I have struggled with some OCD tendencies and know just what you mean, the repetitive words, the feeling like your head is going to explode and you can’t think and it’s just like fire is attacking you from every angle… Thank you for bringing it out in the open and for posting the sermon, too.


  2. I suffered from scrupulosity for years. I worried about being “saved” and prayed over and over (and over and over) for forgiveness, salvation, safety for my family,etc. I remember how difficult it was to carry on with every day life while all that was going on in my head.

  3. Thank you for posting this!
    I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. And yet at the same time, I’ve known my Savior for as long as I can remember. As I pray, “Lord remove my doubt! I love you, I believe what you have done for me” over and over, I am bombarded with: “What are you doing? Do you really think your talking out loud is doing anything but bouncing words off the ceilings? Do you really think anyone is listening, or can even hear you?”
    It is exhausting. It is discouraging. It is so difficult. I feel so guilty.
    I am reading the sermon now. I did not now anyone else struggled with this sort of thing.

    • Jess, you are FAR from being alone in this! There are a ton of people who struggle this way! If you ever want to chat about it, send me a Facebook message! “It is exhausting. It is discouraging. It is so difficult. I feel so guilty.” That described my life too up until a couple years ago!!

  4. Yeah my challenge was the verse “confess your sins to each other so you may be healed” — and I was like oh dang I bet there are some sins somewhere that I haven’t confessed yet – crap, so I’m not being healed – haha… and launched the merry go round of trying to dig them all up and fabricate some that weren’t there – and to tell everybody

    • I hear ya! In fact, I had the exact same concern … and felt like it wasn’t okay to just have some stuff between me and God … but that EVERYTHING had to be shared with others. Very overwhelming!

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