Category Archives: dear diary

When a Week Sets Out to Kill You

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And throws goodies your way like:

  • A personal attack that goes for your weakest spots: mental illness and singleness.
  • No alone time for your highly introverted self.
  • A heat index of 115 degrees.
  • One million appointments at work … and you’re only one of two people in the office.
  • NO TIME TO WRITE.
  • Continued issues with sleep.

BUT YOU SURVIVE IT.

  • I do not have a fragile personality; God, my friends, and even I myself have been reminding me of this.
  • I can fake extroversion like a pro.
  • My office installed a ceiling fan in my office to supplement the window A/C unit; my home office is so chilly I’m wearing a sweatshirt! Win!
  • Hannah and I rocked this WILD afternoon in admissions alone!
  • I’m about to write now, even just for a little bit.
  • I napped for three hours after work today.

This week was hard. But I can do hard things.

I’ve done harder.

I like life.

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This was a really busy– but ultimately really good– week for me.

Last week, I was (pre?) diagnosed with a sleep disorder– Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which sounds totally fake but isn’t. Basically, my circadian rhythm is off, which is why I stay awake so late (even with Ambien!) and then feel impossibly paralyzed in the mornings. I’m meeting with a specialized sleep psychologist next month, and in the meantime, I had blood work done to see if it’s safe for me to go back onto Risperdal. I took that tiny .5 mg (notice that is POINT-FIVE not FIVE mg) pill for eight years, and when I went off of it (maybe six months ago?), I’ve just gone haywire. I know that for most people, mornings are not fun. But, for me, they’ve been impossible. I don’t know how else to explain it.

My favorite kiddos came over on Saturday, and later I found a sweet note from the six year old. Allow me to translate: “Ava loves Jackie’s house.” Jak E with a backward J leaves you with cake. I like cake.

My editor was in the Twin Cities, so we hung out on Monday, brainstorming and discussing Salt Novel as well as writing and publishing in general and all the things we’ve been learning lately. It was wonderful! I left feeling energized to write and excited about my manuscript. Now to find more time …
The rest of the week consisted of therapy (yay), haircut (yay) and dye job (yay? see pics.), getting paid for the German translation of Truest (YAY), and ice cream with my bestie (major yay).

How about you? I can’t believe July is half over. Where is summer going? I’m ready for cooler temps (it’s been in the nineties in Minnesota and miserably humid, though the end of this week was better) but I’m not ready for the ruckus of fall recruitment quite yet.

Think of me as I sort out my sleep/novel/work/life.

Dear Diary: May 2015

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two stacked Polaroid retro frames on wood texture

I knew that April and May were going to be among the hardest months of my life, but still: living them has tested me.

I bought my house at the end of April; immediately, we started fixing it up, painting, cleaning, etc., preparing for new floors and new construction. The new carpet went in upstairs. The new wood floor went in on the main floor. The renovations began on the basement. Then I moved in.

It. is. a. mess.

The living room has all of the furniture and boxes crammed into half of the room so that the contractor has room to work on the walls on the other side. We can’t unpack, so we live mostly upstairs in our bedrooms (which, to be honest, my bedroom looks AMAZING). But it’s still tough. But it’s coming along. Slowly but surely. Monday the living room walls will be finished, and we can finally “move in.” I can’t wait.

My editor keeps apologizing to me that she hasn’t sent my editorial letter yet for Mill City Heroes, but I’m actually relieved and grateful for the rest and reprieve! If I had her revisions back right now, I think my stress would go through the roof. And my new house has such a nice, new roof. LOL.

I also taught a class this month on querying. It went SO WELL. I’m very pleased with the feedback!

So, I’m plodding away. Day by day. I love the new house and I can clearly see its potential, and that carries me. Also, I’m nervous about revisions to MCH, but not panicked. So far. I hope that holds. I hope I have learned a lot from the last year of therapy!

I miss blogging and am going to be re-entering that world in June. I can’t wait till this house is done so I can show you all pictures!

Everyone leave me an encouraging comment. I could sure use them.

Sorry this post was so scattered. That’s my life these days.

Dear Diary: February 2015

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dear diary FEB 2015February’s a short month, it’s true, but WOW, can you pack a lot into 28 days!

I saw my galley pages and made corrections.

I started hand therapy (I have bad wrists).

I worked three out of four weekends in a row (okay, two were in January).

I had a couple rough days.

I explored the war monument near Shadow Falls in St. Paul and the mill ruins in Minneapolis in research for my WIP.

gold medal

Truest 3d jpgThe most exciting part of my month was, of course, the cover reveal of my debut novel, Truest. It’s gotten so much love, and I’m so glad you guys like it. I love it. I’m thrilled with how it turned out. Jenna Stempel, the designer, hand-lettered the title and the chapter headings. This process has been very, very real to me for some time now, but I think, for many of my friends and family members, seeing the cover has finally made it real to them.

Thank you, everyone, for caring about my life, my book, … me. I feel really blessed to have the life I have, bad wrists, bad days, and all.

 

Dear Diary: January 2015

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dd jan 2015 2Today is my spiritual birthday! Nineteen years ago, I made the best decision of my life and signed everything over to Jesus. It’s been a wild journey with him ever since!

This month has been packed to the gills. I celebrated the new year with my best friend Eir, I watched Truest start cropping up for pre-order on online bookstores all over, I turned 33 and didn’t have a third-of-a-century crisis in any way.

I spent close to a week up in Duluth on a writing retreat, where I hammered out 10k words in three days. I’m absolutely thrilled about my work in progress! The characters are gripping my heart, making me laugh, making me cry. And the best thing is that I’ve been absolutely LOVING the writing process lately. 2014 was a bit harrowing, and– truth be told– there were many stretches where I didn’t feel like I was enjoying writing anymore. Over and over, I’d ask myself, “Is this still what you want?” Sometimes I’d have to really think about it, but my answer always was yes. And now: to enjoy it again? Delicious. Hard, hard work. But good work.

Some exciting things are coming up for me! I’ll be reviewing my galleys soon, making last-minute changes and corrections to the manuscript, and the cover will be revealed next month! I’ve been so eager to show the world– I hope you’ll all love it as much as I do!

Dear Diary: December 2014

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dd december 2014December is traditionally a hard month for me, especially right around the holidays. This one was pretty great … right up until Christmas. I got sick on the 23rd and ended up delaying my trip home for Christmas by a day. Then, at my parents’ house, I had an allergic reaction to their sweet puppy and woke up on Christmas Day with my right eye comically swollen. I spent Christmas in bed.

But let’s talk about the other parts of December!

I met up with some amazing fellow writers to discuss our novels, which was so fun and encouraging. We laughed a lot, and everyone left eager to write!

Speaking of, I wrote a LOT. I try to write 1000+ words a day, with the exception of Mondays. I feel creative and limber and excited and terrified– though sometimes the terror abates and I just get to revel in the art of creation. Mmm.

Hunger Mountain posted an Prizewinner Issue of their literary magazine online. You can read my story “Covered Up Our Names” on their site. It’s about teenagers living and dying in hospice care, and I’m really proud of how it turned out. It was one of those stories that I sat down to write and just … wrote it. It was nearly all there in the first draft, which almost never happens for me.

I’m going to teach a class on the art of querying at the Loft’s Children’s and Young Adult Writing Conference this upcoming spring! I’m so excited and I’ll be sure to share more information when the event details go online.

How was your December? What are you looking forward to in January? Do you create new years resolutions, and if so, care to share?

Dear Diary: November 2014

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DD nov 2014I can’t decide if November 2014 was the slowest or fastest month of my life. What I do know is that it was an important one: I finally reached a breaking point and made a really, really huge decision … which I’ll tell you about on the blog in the next couple of days. Stay tuned. (I know, I know: so mysterious!)

I celebrated my friend Ashley’s birthday AND the birth of Ashley’s sweet baby girl.

I went to a musical, an art show, and a party celebrating The Scorpio Races (I know you’re jealous). 

I spoke for Northwestern’s chapel about OCD. The students were a perfect, receptive, empathetic, fun audience.

I celebrated the one-year anniversary of my book deal. 

I spent a week writing in Duluth. Yes, that same beautiful condotel that I always go to. So perfect. (Did you know I started my second draft of Truest there, as well as my second-to-last and last drafts? Now it was time to spend time with new characters in that lovely place.)

How was November for you? Please visit my blog again over the next few days to learn what huge decision November pushed me into!

 

 

Dear Diary: October 2014

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dd oct 2014State of the blogger: tired but recovering.

I’ve given twelve large presentations this fall, not to mention the high school visits, college fairs, and daily appointments I’ve attended or hosted. I’ve been doing tons of research for my next novel, along with lots of reading for fun. After running on empty for so many months, I decided I needed to make some changes to my sleep schedule.

Usually, I’m writing till about midnight, at which point I try to go to sleep and lie awake in bed for an hour or hour and a half before finally nodding off. I talked to my psychiatrist about this and he told me that the light from my computer screen keeps my body from getting the memo that it’s dark out and time to prepare for bed.

So now what I’m doing is writing till ten, then taking melatonin before reading in bed till about eleven, when the melatonin kicks in and I’m OUT.

It’s been pretty amazing.  I’m getting about 8.5 hours of sleep each night instead of <6.

I’m also taking magnesium and vitamin C and trying to eat healthier. Still seeing my therapist once a week.  It’s Project: Jackie time.

Things are about to get crazy again as I dive into writing a second draft of my next novel, which I call AVS or Ardor Valor Splendor.  I doubt that will be the name we land on, but it works fine as a placeholder.  I’m SO excited about this novel, and I have TONS of ideas for the revision, but I’m honestly stuck thinking, I don’t know how to write a book. Somebody help me! HarperCollins thinks I know how to write books!  HELP!

Okay, perhaps that’s a little hyperbolic, but I really am wondering how to attack my second draft of this novel. I figure that I’ll do it just like how I finished Truest: butt in seat, hands on keyboard. Show up, sit down, work hard.

Send chocolate FRUIT.

(See how good I’m being???)

P.S. I heard David Sedaris perform tonight and got an ab workout from laughing so hard. LOVE HIM.

P.P.S. Spoke about OCD this morning for a counseling class at UNW … doing another one tomorrow!

Dear Diary: September 2014

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dd sept 14September was a wild ride. A roller coaster, if you will.

Truest is almost done. I sent a final-ish draft to my editor at the beginning of the month, received line edits back just this last Friday, and will make small revisions and turn it in yet this week. It gets better and better with every draft. I can’t believe that after this, there will only be copyediting to do!  I’ve gotten to see some mock-ups of possible book covers, and I’m really excited about them. The release date hasn’t been set yet (or at least I don’t know it), but it will likely be around this time next year. I can’t wait!  A whole year!  I hope it goes by fast, but I also hope that I can take lots of time to enjoy it.

I met Peter S. Beagle, the author of one of my favorite books. It was a hilarious night. Full post coming later this week!

I hosted a baby shower … and also attended a baby funeral. The first delighted my heart; the second absolutely broke it. I’ll admit my faith was quite shaken, and God and I had to have a lot of talks in the past couple weeks as he sorted my thoughts and theology out.

I listened to a review panel debate the merits of my grant proposal. They basically hated me. I’m not counting on that grant money at all.  Oh well. I’ll try again next summer!  (I can be quite relentless sometimes.)

I got the best email I’ve ever gotten, maybe in my whole life. My editor said (among other wonderful things):

I don’t know why it took me so long to finish this version. But I just did and all I can say is WOW. I just think it’s the kind of book that will change kids and adults, too–forever.

A whirlwind month. How was yours?

Dear Diary: August 2014

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dd August 2014Good ol’ August.

The truth of the matter is that basically all I’ve done in August is write and revise. At times I have felt like Truest was going to kill me. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster; sometimes I’m so pleased with the work I’ve done and sometimes I feel just sick over it. I’m in a group of debut children’s and YA authors (the Fearless Fifteeners), and many of them also feel this same way. I’m SO incredibly grateful to not be alone in this. The road to publication has been much more difficult than I ever imagined.

That said, I’m back in therapy. This time for “adjustment disorder with anxiety” as opposed to OCD (so that, at least, feels good)– and my therapist believes we can tackle the panic and anxiety that’s been clawing at me since November. I already adore her.

Other fun things? I experienced the Minnesota Fringe Festival for the first time! And two of my best friends are pregnant for the first time– each of them are having a little girl!  Also, the new students moved into Northwestern on the 22nd, so that feels good: my office works hard all year to recruit a smashing new class to our university.

It’s been a hard– but good– month.