Category Archives: anxiety

Obsessive-Compulsives are Brave.

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bebraveSometimes I think we OCs view ourselves as the antithesis of bravery because we experience so much anxiety, so much fear … and often over things that no one else seems to be struggling with.

But here’s the thing: we do it.  We battle this anxiety every. single. day.  

We get up.  We go to work and school.  We battle our way through days and nights like warriors.  People who don’t have OCD can rarely understand the terror that we stare in the eye every day.

And, most importantly, we seek out treatment– and that is the bravest thing of all.

 

For more about the ERP therapy that set me free, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Image credit: Kelli Murray

A Hard Decision for this Season

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Routine blog readers know that I’ve been remarkably stressed in the last few months.  My stress level rocketed to such a high level on Tuesday that I thought I was nearing a panic attack.  Today I met with a therapist to talk over this season of my life and get some advice.

Right now, I am trying to juggle:
* working full-time as a college recruiter, a very fun but very socially draining role for an introvert
* revising Truest
* writing a first draft of my next book
* authoring this blog
* engaging in important conversations with fellow obsessive-compulsives
* volunteering with OCD Twin Cities
* trying to be a semi-decent friend, sister, and daughter
* a valiant attempt at healthier living.

I am not doing it well.  I’ve scaled back from my former routine of posting daily, yet I’ve still not found enough margin in my life to be comfortable for long.

The therapist tonight spoke the phrase I’ve been avoiding: “I think you need to cut something out.”

I pushed back: “These are life-giving things to me!”

He said: “The individual things are great, but they’re combining to a sum total that isn’t manageable.”

In my head, I thought of household chemicals that are fine on their own but lethal when combined.

Still, I fought it, saying, “Well, right now, what’s being cut out is sleep, healthy eating, and exercise.”

And he said, “That’s not sustainable.  You need to cut something else.”

So, with regret, for the time being, I have removed my email address from my website.  Many of you already have my email address, and you are welcome to continue using it.  I value our relationships!  But for now, I’ll be interacting with new blog readers primarily only through social media: blog comments, Facebook, Tumblr.  I had never imagined a day when I’d be withdrawing like this, and I’ll be honest, I don’t like it.  It feels cruel and a little traitorous to our deeply beloved and deeply wounded community.  I hope that people will understand.  It is one variable in my life when so many other things are non-negotiable.  I apologize.

In the absence of my email address, I will be adding some new heart-to-heart letters to OCs on this blog, which– while not the same as a personal response– will allow me to share my heart with my fellow obsessive-compulsives in the meantime.

I’ll still be blogging regularly.  You won’t miss me much (or at all).  Thanks for sticking with me in this stressful season of my life!  I’m so grateful for an amazing online community and the greatest friends and family ever.

I Confess

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confessI don’t want to admit this to you.  I really don’t.

But I’ve made such efforts to be honest with my blogging community, and the wonderful, encouraging reception I’ve always gotten from you, my beloved readers, has continually encouraged me to continue with that honesty and integrity.

So today I’m going to tell you something that might make you made at me.  Here it is:

Sometimes I get really frustrated with people with OCD. 

Five years of freedom and already I am so quick to frustration.  Shame on me, right?  Then again, the last five years of my life (post-ERP) have been so absolutely incredible that they make me even more frustrated with those who avoid treatment.

The truth of the matter is this: exposure and response prevention is the best and most appropriate treatment for OCD.  Quite simply, if you’re looking for a “solution” to your OCD, then I have it for you: ERP.  I hear from a lot of people who seem to want a different answer, and yet my bottom line remains the same: ERP, ERP, ERP.

I know it’s scary.  (Trust me, I know it’s scary!)  But it’s the right answer, and I’m not going to send you on a wild goose chase when I know the right answer.  That would be like me telling you to go get chemotherapy for your gunshot wound or that you need insulin for your broken arm.  It’s obvious that those aren’t the correct treatment for the issue, and I won’t do that to you.

Research shows that ERP is the best treatment for OCD.  My life shows that a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder can redeem the years he or she lost to being enslaved by OCD.  No matter how many times you ask me, I’m going to give the same answer.

There.  Got it off my chest.  Don’t worry, folks; I’m still here for ya!  I aim to be a voice advocating for our quiet and oppressed community.  But just how I refuse to aid someone in compulsions, I will also refuse to send you down the wrong corridor for help.  I’m doing this with the best interest of our community in mind, I promise.

My heart and energies and motivations rest in leading those in slavery toward freedom.  Know that.

Is “Anxiety-Free” a Myth?

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When I was a child, I thought, “If I could just know that I loved God, I would be totally and completely happy.”

If only it were this easy. Or is it?

If only it were this easy. Or is it?

When I was in high school, I thought, “If I could just know that God was real, I would love life.”

When I was in college, I thought, “If I could just know I was going to heaven, I’d be the most joyful girl in existence.”

Then, “If only I could write a good book.”

“If only I could get an agent.”

“If only I could get a book deal.”

Yet, here I am, I love the God I know is real, the God who has saved me.  I’ve written a book that an agent and an editor love enough to publish.  And I think, “If only I could write another good book.”

I don’t want anxiety.  I want to be happy, to feel peace.  Is it human nature to always want the next thing, whatever it may be?  Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy, joyful even– but still not anxiety-free.

Don’t Push the River [& other advice]

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Last month I was stressing out intensely over writing my next novel.  We’re talking panic, high stress, extreme anxiety, the whole shebang.  There’s a head game in writing, and I was losing it.  Badly.

I reached out to my undergraduate writing instructor, Judith Hougen.  She was a mentor to me in college, and in many ways, she still is today, even though I don’t get to see her nearly as often as I’d like.  I’ve written about Judy on my blog before: how she is laden with wisdom and creativity, how she loves truth and beauty.

We got coffee, and I shared how stressed I was, then I waited for her wisdom.  She said:

InWater1 by carpeemorteem via deviantART

InWater1 by carpeemorteem
via deviantART

Don’t push the river.

The full proverb is “Don’t push the river; it flows by itself.”

A river is going to go where it wants, carve out the path it chooses.  I’m a fool if I think that I can redirect it– or that I somehow keep it flowing.

It quite fascinated me because one of the things that my cognitive-behavioral therapist said to me (digitally recorded for all time in my ERP exposure recording) was this:

“I want you to close your eyes and imagine you’re standing in a river.  The current is strong, and the waters rush past you, pounding you, beating against your legs, hips, waist.  Eventually your whole body is fatigued; your legs are so tired you can barely stand.  Then you finally turn around and let yourself go with the current.”

His point was plainly and simply that he was offering me relief.

And that’s what Judy was offering too.

Judy said, “If you skip writing one night, you have to trust it’s not all going to leave you.”

Judy said, “Let the writing of this book be its own experience.  Don’t compare it to the last one.”

Judy said, “Respect the mystery of writing.”

It was like balm to my anxiety-riddled soul.  I am letting her words minister to my writer’s heart.  And letting my one word for 2014– grace— work its way into the cold and lonely places in me like an adhesive that holds me together.