Tag Archives: real life

Nothing Like a Good List

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Hi folks, a little update:

Wednesday, I had my first session of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a treatment which is truly fascinating. I’ll be honest: I’m not sure I entirely understand it yet, but basically– “when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed and stored in an isolated memory network” (Wikipedia), and the use of bilateral stimulation (moving eyes back and forth or– as my therapist uses– two small “buzzers,” one for each hand, which alternate buzzing back and forth) allows the patient and therapist to crack into that part of the memory.

I think. On a scale of 1-10 for how much of an EMDR expert I am, I rank at about negative 3.

Talked to my editor on Thursday. It was really good. We agreed on most things, and I felt ready to move forward. It was a great feeling that faded a bit since then. (It’s one thing to feel ready for the next steps; it’s an entirely other thing to actually get myself to take them.)

Friday, I spoke at the Walker Public Library in northern Minnesota. It was a blast! People from the community as well as about twenty high schoolers came to the event, where I talked about Truest, writing, publishing, and brain disorders. Somehow, I end up speaking about OCD at almost every turn. It was one of the main players in my life prior to 2008, so I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised that it would come up when I discuss my history. I’m glad for the opportunities. It feels good to have a chance to share a little about it– and also to take away the stigma of mental illness being “shameful” to discuss. I think when I can mention it in the same breath as my writing life, my day job, etc., it steals away the stigma for the listeners. At least, I hope it does. It was a really fun day, plus my mom came with for the long car ride, and we laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. She’s the best.

Saturday, I needed a break. So I took one, even though I felt sort of guilty about it. I watched a trillion episodes of Criminal Minds on Netflix and took a three-hour nap. It was beautiful, even if it set me back a little bit.

So today I needed to work. I didn’t feel like working, so I called my mom, who encouraged me to make a list. YES. GREAT IDEA. I LOVE LISTS. I’m actually sort of obsessed with them. So I made a list, a long one. And I’ve been busting my butt for hours today crossing things off. When I publish this blog post, that’ll be one more thing off my list. 🙂 I’m cruising and it feels good. I’m trying to decide if I want to wait till tomorrow to work on book brainstorming or not– I need to gauge whether I am avoiding out of fear or just strategically allowing myself more time to let ideas simmer. The latter is okay; the first is not.

How are you? I’d love to hear from you with stories about what you’ve been up to. Are you excited for summer? I am excited that UNW’s graduation is over and that we’ll have a quiet summer with tons of parking … but I’m not ready for it to be in the nineties. It got that hot a week or so ago, and I thought I was melting. Oh Minnesota, land of extremes.

Odds & Ends

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this hair i can't evenAbout two weeks ago, I felt pretty confident that my life was in shambles, so I did what I do: I made a list. It was 22 items long. Today I crossed item #22 off the list. I am still a hot mess. Go figure.

Thankfully, item #22 was getting my tax refund, which came today. Now instead of being dirt-poor, I’m just regular-poor. 🙂

One of the things on my list was to ask my editor for a few extra weeks to work on my first draft (she agreed) and then to revise my word count strategy to get the draft done by the end of the month. So far I’m on track. In fact, all week I’ve been staying one day ahead of schedule, always allowing myself that extra space to skip writing for a night. Instead, I’ve kept plowing ahead. This weekend I need to tackle some of the harder parts of the novel, a couple scenes that need to be written for the very first time, and a storyline that I have very little clue what to do with. Oh man.

I was invited to a young adult book club in St. Cloud last weekend, and it was wonderful, and everyone there was so lovely and asked such thoughtful questions. I was there to talk about Truest and about writing, but I ended up talking a fair amount about OCD, which is, of course, all wrapped up in my story too. Ashleigh, one of the book club members, was kind enough to tag me in this beautiful blog post.

I’ve been searching for most of my adult life for the perfect lip color. If I showed you my lipstick/lip gloss accumulation, you’d think I’m so lame. Especially because what I learned was that I never keep my lips colored unless it’s something I can put on without a mirror. So– between finding the perfect color(s) and something that could be applied mirror-less– I struck out a lot over the years. But not anymore. I’ve found the most perfect solution (at least for me): Burt’s Bees Tinted Lip Balm. I use both Red Dahlia and Forest Flower (which … appears to be no longer available. WHAT IS THIS LIFE??? Are you kidding me? In my ANNOUNCEMENT of my perfect lip product, I find out it’s discontinued? The universe is cruel.).

I’m reading a book. It’s incredible. It’s so emotionally overwhelming that I can’t consume too much of it at a time or else I’d just binge-read it. Noggin by John Corey Whaley. I was fooled by its cover into assuming it was something else. But no. It is … so much. Maybe my favorite book I’ve read so far this year. I’m desperate for a happy ending and terrified I won’t get it. NO ONE SPOIL ME. Review will come soon … as soon as I can continue pressing my heart through this meat-grinder. Gosh, I love books.

What about you, folks? What are you reading these days? What are you buying? What are you doing for fun? Are you having to force yourself to be an adult the way I’ve been having to? What’s on your radar? Did your tax return save your life? I wanna hear from you.

 

Cold Milk

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Is there anything better than a glass of cold milk?

Okay, probably. But right now it’s rocking my world.

I’ve been reading like a maniac. I just finished four books. Two reviews are up: Underwater (review) and In A World Just Right (review). The other two are forthcoming. Plus I started another book, Exquisite Captive by Heather Demetrios. It feels really good (and healthy!) to be reading a ton.

I’m working on my 2016 creative goals. I especially want to tackle what’s behind door #6 (a pruned TBR shelf). I think this upcoming weekend, I need to do another round of culling the shelf. Plus, of course, all the reading helps move books from my TBR shelf to my beautiful full-wall bookcase. Rock and roll.

To that end, I’m being super selective in my book purchases lately. As you know, I pre-ordered a handful right after Christmas; now that Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo is available for pre-order and MELINA MARCHETTA’S NEW BOOK (Tell the Truth, Shame the Devil) is available too, I’ll place orders for those. My gosh, I don’t think she’s put out a book since Quintana in 2012, which honestly feels like forever ago. Even though this an adult mystery (instead of her usual YA contemp or YA fantasy), it doesn’t matter to me. I’d read her grocery lists.

Just finished my glass of milk. Dang, that was good.

I want to be a better blogger. Not sure yet what that will look like.

I’ve been PLOTTING. This might come as a shock since many of you know that I abhor plotting, but this has actually been sort of fun. I think it’s mostly because I already mostly knew what was going to happen and what needed to happen and got to hammer it out in a spreadsheet, of all things. Plus, I’ve been doing lots of brainstorming and research, and I’m excited about my ideas. Nothing like spending hours on Pinterest and getting to call it work!

Now to write. I’ve been avoiding my manuscript for over a week now. That is not good, nor is it like me. But we had this exhausting weekend of work, and afterward I just needed to rest, and before you know it, my rhythm is all off and I’m terrified to dive back in. It’s like, as long as I write five or six days a week, I’m the queen of double dutch.

double dutch

But once I stop for a couple days, I’ve bounced out of the ropes and cannot figure out how to jump back in. 

jump in

Does that analogy work for you?

I know I just need to do it, no matter how sloppy it is.

I’ve been sick. I’m desperately trying to save up PTO to take a writing retreat (see 2016 creative goals, door #4), but I just had to blow it all this week. Ugh. Starting over.

In case you missed it, my next novel is not coming out till summer 2018 now. I feel GREAT about it … until I go on Twitter. I really should not go on Twitter. It is a dark place for me. I wonder if I will always, always struggle with comparing myself to other writers.

That’s the scoop from my sick-couch! Pray I am better by tomorrow morning. I have to be.

 

time & books & paradoxes

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As many of you regular blog readers already know, I just recently set aside the novel I spent the last 14 months working on and decided to instead focus on a different story.

Today my editor emailed me with a new timeline: Salt Novel will likely be published in summer 2018.

On the one hand, this is such a relief. I’m tremendously grateful for an editor who cares so much about putting out a quality piece of literature that she’s willing to give me the space to make it the best it can be. So many publishers seem to demand a book a year from their authors, and my life is just not conducive to that kind of rushed production. I’m lucky.

On the other hand, one of my writer-friends just announced today his book deal for books #3 and #4. He debuted with me last year. His second book comes out this year. The third in 2017, and the fourth in 2018. And I can’t help but think, Wow, he will have four books out when my second one is published. There’s a little bit of envy there, yes.

I don’t know. I’d love to be prolific, but the stress of producing a book a year doesn’t feel worth it or even realistic for me. I am so glad for the extended timeline, but then I wonder old books isolated on whiteif my career is going to be hampered by it.

Just sounding off tonight. Needed to type up my thoughts. Care to chime in?: do you get antsy when your favorite writers take a long time to write their books? Or do you appreciate it?

 

Life like a Rocket

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An update on my life:

I’m reading again. I read two books this week and started a third. Loved Ruta Sepetys’s Salt to the Sea (review) and Anna-Marie McLemore’s The Weight of Feathers (review). I was lucky enough to get an ARC of my friend Addie Zierman’s new book, Night Driving: A Story of Faith in the Dark. I’ve read the first couple chapters, which are brilliant. No surprise there. Addie’s writing knocks me off my feet every time.

My writing group is amazing. It was so good to get together with them this week and really hash out my POV concerns for Salt Novel. I feel really, really good about where we landed. Plus, they are so encouraging. To be honest, in the early stages of writing a novel, I think that’s probably my biggest need: to have people say, We’re interested. We like these characters. Keep going. 

I’m making some changes to my OCD meds. This is maybe a little surprising, since I’ve said before that I don’t like to rock the boat. Problem is, I had some blood work done and the little half-milligram of Risperdal I take each night is probably affecting me in such a way that I need to get off of it long-term. That part is fine to me. I feel like these days I’m using Risperdal more as a sleep aid than as an anti-psychotic. So I suggested to my psychiatrist that maybe I could trade Risperdal in for an actual sleep aid like Trazodone. He agreed. I really can’t sleep without Risperdal (see story below for case in point), but I also know from past experience that I’m suuuuuuuuuper sensitive to Trazodone. We’re working out the kinks. My primary care doctor also recommended that I start taking NAC, an amino acid that has been helpful for people with OCD. The next day, our OCD Twin Cities group was talking about NAC. Then I asked my psychiatrist, and he gave me the thumbs up too. I’ll keep you posted. The nice thing about NAC is that you can pick it up at any old vitamin store, no need for a prescription.

Sleep evades me. I’ve had some problems (read: lots) with sleep lately. I cannot sleep without Risperdal. But I also take 10 mg of melatonin, which is all-natural. Even then, I wake up throughout the night, and in the morning, I don’t feel well-rested. Last night, I gathered up my evening meds, and I thought I felt one pill fall on the floor. I got on my hands and knees looking for it, but couldn’t find anything so I went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I was restless. I was wakeful. I was up for long periods of time around 1, 2, and 3 am (at which point I started praying for my friends– sometimes when I can’t sleep I wonder if that’s why I’m up. Interestingly, one of my friends told me today that she was up at 3 am, fitful over some things going on. I was praying for her at the same time!). Finally, at 6 am, wide awake but soooo tired, I realized the pill that probably fell was my Risperdal. So I took Risperdal at 6 am and finally got some rest. YUCKO. Thank goodness it’s the weekend!

Except I have to work this weekend. This is historically the hardest couple of days of the year for me– President’s Day and the day before– because we have a wild and crazy large-group overnight event for prospective students on these days. As my personality has shifted into full-on introversion, it’s gotten harder and harder. Think of me.

It’s pretty darn cold in MN. We’ve had it easy so far this year for the most part, but in the last couple days, it’s been downright frigid.

I’m excited about my novel. I really am. I have so many ideas and so much hope. Sometimes all the ideas and all the hope kind of flood me and I get overwhelmed, so I remind myself to put my head down and to SHOW UP and put in the work. I have a really detailed word count spreadsheet, and I’m loving it. Theoretically, if I follow the spreadsheet, I will have a draft finished soon! It’s so good to be back on the island with these characters. They are lovely and cruel and have lots of sharp edges.

One last thing: Girl Scout cookies are destroying me.

How are you, friends? Please comment. I absolutely love hearing from you. Makes me feel less alone!

unsplash65

 

 

Tidy

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And the winner isFor right now– this exact second– I feel on top of things.

I’ve created a detailed word count goal chart, and I’m so far ahead that I technically don’t have to write till Wednesday. (But I will.)

My mom is coming over tomorrow (football what?) to work on putting the finishing touches on my house. Guys. It looks so great. It’s come so far since the end of April! (As one might hope.)

I just cleaned my bedroom. Current and former roommates can attest that that is no small task.

I gathered all my tax documents together. I’m not totally failing at adulthood.

I’m going to church in the morning, and it’s at our old-new building. (Our original site when we launched in 2010 was purchased out from under us, but this winter we had the opportunity to buy it! So tomorrow is a sort of homecoming!) There is much more to be said about this, but I’m not ready yet.

I paid off my credit card.

I get to see my family, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my best friend, and my writing group this upcoming week, and yet my schedule isn’t too crowded.

Gold medal, Sommers. Way to keep the ship afloat.

*Someone send me this post next time I freak out.*

When It Hurts to Breathe

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The stress got bad, friends. Really, really bad.

My chest was so tight. It hurt to breathe. I would wake up panicking.

I went back to my therapist. I made another appointment with my psychiatrist. But when I felt like an elephant was standing on my chest, I went into the doctor.

They don’t play around with this stuff, especially when one’s father has had triple bypass surgery. I had an immediate chest x-ray and an EKG. I just tried not to cry.

But things are fine. I mean, mostly. My x-ray was fine; my EKG was … fine-ish. My doctor felt satisfied with it, but she still wants to run it by a cardiologist.

It’s just stress. Damn. Isn’t it wild what stress can do to our bodies??

She and my therapist both said: focus on breathing.

My doctor also said: laugh. It will open up your chest.

Breathe and laugh. I can do that. Right?

Even my editor told me to rest a little.

That part seems easy enough. All I want to do is sleep. I think I might have some depression issues going on or else maybe this how I get every winter. -40 degrees does little to contribute to breathing or laughing or being joyful.

anatomyBut– a bright spot– I am reading this tremendous book, The Anatomy of Story by John Truby. I’m only two chapters in and it’s sort of changing my life. It’s such a beautiful, deep, thorough way to look at writing a story. It helps that I’ve been thinking of my story and these characters for about a year and a half. It would maybe be overwhelming to use this book to drum something up from scratch, but this way, it feels really productive and thoughtful. I’m loving it and highly recommend it so far.

I really wish that I could just take a month off of work to take care of myself. But that’s not an option, so I have to work self-care into the nooks and crannies of life. I need to breath, laugh, and rest. Love that prescription!

 

This Week Has Been Whoa

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So, I’m sitting here debating how much I want to say, and instead, I think I just need to start.

This week has been wild.

WILD.

emotionalrollercoaster

On Sunday, depression surged up and wrapped its ugly hands around my throat. But I don’t mess around anymore. I called in all the reserves: meds, essential oils, tons of water, vitamins, meeting with my therapist, a chiropractic adjustment. By Wednesday, my world wasn’t ending anymore.

Which is interesting because on Tuesday I talked to my editor about Yes Novel, and she said, “Start over.”

Yeah, you read that right. Start over.

But guess what? That conversation made me so happy. I’m serious. Because I wasn’t feeling good about Yes Novel (haven’t been for a while!) and so to hear my editor say that she wasn’t either meant we were on the same page. That’s such a good feeling. I can’t tell you what a relief it is (and how lucky I feel) to have an editor who is more committed to putting out a good book than to staying on schedule.

Because I’m not afraid of working hard. But I’m terrified of mediocrity.

(More thoughts coming soon about my battle against perfectionism.)

So, I started to re-think Yes Novel and what changes I wanted to make if I started to rebuild it from the foundation up. It needs a lot of work, guys. It made me think of the novel I set aside in November 2014 in order to start writing Yes Novel. It’s a manuscript that I’ve re-visited over the last year more than once. I’ve missed the characters. I’ve missed the island where it takes place. It has more things in the right places than Yes Novel does.

In one fifteen-minute drive home, I’d all but convinced myself I wanted to switch projects again. Again. (Remember this?)

I emailed my editor and asked her to take a look at my old manuscript (let’s call it Ardor Novel), and she agreed.

This morning she emailed that she was excited about the manuscript!!

Does that mean I’ve officially switched from Yes Novel to Ardor Novel?

No. But probably.

And I couldn’t be more excited. Stay tuned to learn more about what has happened in the past year behind the scenes to prepare me for returning to this story.

But for now, please leave a kind comment for this pummeled, anxiety-ridden writer who is currently jacked up on bookish adrenaline. I’m exhausted. But I’m almost shaking with excitement. I could use some cheerleaders!

Perfectionism Digs a Deep Hole

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Exhibit A.

doubt

Exhibit B.

mm no

Exhibit C.

ideas

Exhibit D.

brene

Exhibit E.

Runner crossing finish line

Achiever. That’s honestly my #2 strength after Learner via StrengthsFinder. But so often it doesn’t feel like a strength; it feels crippling.

Perfectionism is something I’ve battled my whole life. I didn’t just want an A on the test, I wanted the highest score in the class. I might get 100% but if someone else also got an extra credit point, I’d feel like I didn’t perform well.

Performer. My freedom from OCD has given me so much freedom in this area too. I’m learning that my worth isn’t based on my performance.

But it’s still a lie I all too often believe.

I’m a writer. But I can never measure up to my own standards for myself, and so I walk around defeated even when I’m living my dream.

I don’t have answers to this. I just needed to share. Thanks for listening.