Thoughts & Things

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My house is coming together. Check out my insta for some pics.

I’m overwhelmed with work. As in, my professional job where I spend my days. The spring is just saturated with events that require me to put on my extrovert mask– and which keep me from my manuscript.

I started work on the new (old) novel. Day one, I tried to write chapter one, and it did not go well. The beginning is so, so, so hard. So day two, I started with the first scene in the book where I feel the characters are already established, and it felt GREAT. So excited about all my characters and my ideas.

But I know the perfect novel in my head will not be the novel I end up writing. It’s not possible. I feel like this is something Plato understood. That said, a novel that is written trumps a novel never written. There is a way in which a novel that is written is more beautiful than the perfect novel, exactly because it is written.

My stress is leveling out. I think. I hope. I can breathe again. I’m telling myself to pace myself. If I work on stuff– even a little bit– each day, it will slowly come together. That’s how it works.

We had a snowstorm in Minnesota. We got about ten inches of snow where I live. And then we carried on with life. (Because here our infrastructure expects that (and is ready for even more), so the plows and the salt and the snow blowers and the weird little things that clear the sidewalks on my campus just come out and take care of business– fast– and then we all go back to work.) It makes me a little sad (the snow), but truth be told, the fact that it’s still light out when I leave work is making my heart SING. It’s this little promise that spring will come again. I treasure the light.

I still haven’t been reading. Even my therapist told me to make time for this. I will. I need to. It’s like I feel this vacancy where I know there should be inspiration. I just have to remember how to thread this into my life: audiobooks, no writing on Mondays, taking time before bed. I know these things. I just need to start acting on them. I will.

I need a vacation. Well, what I need is concentrated time set aside to write. Seven days in Duluth would be ideal. But it’s not in the budget, and I am PTO-poor, and I’m telling myself it’s okay and that I can wait a few months. Even though I have a draft due before then. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

I purchased a keychain pill container. There were too many times I needed Ativan and it was sitting at home. NO MORE.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately about the OCD parts of my blog. They are the most popular part of my website, and it’s starting to bother me. I guess I find myself continually leaning into the author part of my identity, but my blog keeps forcing me into my advocacy identity, which, to be perfectly frank, I’m less interested in these days. Wait, no. That didn’t come out quite right. I’m still interested in advocacy; I’m just more interested in writing and literature and kind of want to just enjoy my remission. I feel a little guilty about it, but only a very, very, very little. That said, I’m not sure if I should separate my OCD posts from my website and repost them elsewhere. What do you guys think?

I want to hear from you. Please chime in so I know I’m not just talking to myself over here. Please.

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When It Hurts to Breathe

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The stress got bad, friends. Really, really bad.

My chest was so tight. It hurt to breathe. I would wake up panicking.

I went back to my therapist. I made another appointment with my psychiatrist. But when I felt like an elephant was standing on my chest, I went into the doctor.

They don’t play around with this stuff, especially when one’s father has had triple bypass surgery. I had an immediate chest x-ray and an EKG. I just tried not to cry.

But things are fine. I mean, mostly. My x-ray was fine; my EKG was … fine-ish. My doctor felt satisfied with it, but she still wants to run it by a cardiologist.

It’s just stress. Damn. Isn’t it wild what stress can do to our bodies??

She and my therapist both said: focus on breathing.

My doctor also said: laugh. It will open up your chest.

Breathe and laugh. I can do that. Right?

Even my editor told me to rest a little.

That part seems easy enough. All I want to do is sleep. I think I might have some depression issues going on or else maybe this how I get every winter. -40 degrees does little to contribute to breathing or laughing or being joyful.

anatomyBut– a bright spot– I am reading this tremendous book, The Anatomy of Story by John Truby. I’m only two chapters in and it’s sort of changing my life. It’s such a beautiful, deep, thorough way to look at writing a story. It helps that I’ve been thinking of my story and these characters for about a year and a half. It would maybe be overwhelming to use this book to drum something up from scratch, but this way, it feels really productive and thoughtful. I’m loving it and highly recommend it so far.

I really wish that I could just take a month off of work to take care of myself. But that’s not an option, so I have to work self-care into the nooks and crannies of life. I need to breath, laugh, and rest. Love that prescription!

 

2016 Poetry Campaign: A Mouthful of Forevers by Clementine Von Radics

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I have 8 creative goals this year, and behind door 7 is reading a book of poetry every month. Want to join me? You can see what book I’ll be reading each month here. January’s book was A Mouthful of Forevers by Clementine Von Radics. Join me in February reading It Becomes You by Dobby Gibson, which will be a re-read for me, one I’m excited about.

mouthful of foreversA Mouthful of Forevers was young, fresh, edgy, sexy. I read it in one sitting, to be honest, and thoroughly enjoyed it. If I had to summarize it, I might say something like “Looking for love in a time of modern scars.”

Here were some of my favorite parts:

What no one ever talks about
is how dangerous hope can be.
Call it forgiveness
with teeth.

I also loved the imagery here:

Your voice is right here
coloring my voice. Nothing is helping me
forget your hands, how they shook
like apologizing mountains
hollowed in suffering.

She had a really interesting poem about, of all things, Salome and Kim Kardashian, which– I’m not kidding– gave me a fresh look at KK. I loved these lines so much:

Salome
moves like a dream
half-remembered.
Salome dances
like a siren song.
All the men ache to see
the hot sugar
of her hip bones.

Verdict? I really enjoyed the collection and am hoping it helps me push the envelope. Join me next month with It Becomes You by Dobby Gibson. You won’t regret it!

A Guide to ARC Etiquette

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I’ll admit, these thoughts are just my own. I’m happy for other writers to chime in and share their thoughts too. At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to write this post because it might seem like I’m only interested in money, but then I thought, No. I’m just a worker who wants to get paid for her work. There is nothing the matter with that. That’s what everyone else expects … until it comes to artists.

arc etiquetteSo, an ARC is an advance review copy. It’s an early, uncorrected version of a book about to be published meant for reviewers so that they can drum up interest in a book before it is released.

First, note: advance. This is important. If the book has already come out, you should not be asking for an ARC. On the one hand, it’s not the polished, final version; two, it’s rude. If the book is already published, you should either purchase a copy or, if you don’t want to buy a copy, check it out from your local library. If your library doesn’t have a copy, tell them you want it. I’m not kidding, they will almost always respond to requests like this, and then it’s a win-win: I sell a copy of my book and you get to read it for free.

Second, note: review. ARCs are given out with the expectation that they will be read and reviewed, whether on a blog or on sites like Goodreads, Amazon, BN, etc. It’s a great “thank you” for getting to read the book early and for free.

Third, from Maggie Stiefvater:

And finally, a note on ARCs. I don’t mind signing advanced review copies — a lot of bloggers come through the line with them, and I know they are a cool thing to have. But I didn’t get paid for them to be printed. And the publisher didn’t get paid for them. An ARC is a $6-10 promotional tool that is a privilege all of us industry people enjoy. It’s not a book. And it makes me sad if you love the book enough to have me sign your ARC*, but not a real copy. I won’t ever show my Deep Sadness to you while you’re in the signing line, but trust me, I’ll be weeping AngstBuckets on the inside. And while it merely makes me DeeplySad, for debut authors or authors with one or two books out, loving an ARC but not buying it can be the difference between a publisher signing them for another book or not.

All in all, please just remember that authors bust their asses to write these books for you. It means the world when you purchase even one copy. But when you ask for an ARC after my book is released, you’re basically saying, “I know I could buy this book somewhere, but I don’t want to. Not only that, I want you to pay shipping costs to send me a copy that you never made any money on.” You are literally asking an author to pay money to have you read their book. OUCH. At least have the courtesy to request it from the library.

Thanks for listening. I’ve been getting requests for ARCs lately when my book has been out for nearly five months, and just like Maggie, it makes me weep AngstBuckets on the inside.

Want me to keep writing? Please buy a book or have your library buy one. Thanks for your support!

HOCD Story: Meet Mae, Part 2

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Yesterday on my blog, I introduced you to Mae. Today, her story continues with a detailed explanation of her experience with exposure therapy. (For more information about ERP, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD).

mae erp

First of all, if you go to a therapist and they tell you that you are not gay or try to tell you that it’s just a fantasy, look for someone else. This person does not understand ERP and OCD. The goal of ERP is to EXPOSE you to your deepest fears. I know that sounds like the most terrifying thing, especially if  your obsessions are causing so much anxiety.

I will continue to reiterate this- ERP CHANGED MY LIFE. I don’t say this lightly AT ALL. I was extremely doubtful when it first began that any change would take place. I was ready to fight this OCD beast, but I was also scared of what exposures I would have to do.

Your therapist will personalize your therapy to YOU.

At our initial consultation, my therapist helped me rate my anxiety and we started with the things that made me the least anxious and worked up front here. By the end of ERP, the things that once made me the most anxious were not as bad…

For me it began with a few different recordings, or scripts that I listened to several times per day. It also consisted of not allowing myself to continually ask for reassurance from family members, or google anything having to do with OCD. Anyone with OCD knows that the Internet is a big, dark, deep hole that is nearly impossible to escape once you enter.

I began by listening to the scripts and trying my damn hardest to not neutralize thoughts (ex: not telling myself “this isn’t me” or “I’m not really a lesbian”). I was supposed to just simply (was it really that simple?!) listen to the scripts. The first one began with my therapist recording a script in his voice. I listened to this script as much as possible over the course of 2 weeks (5-10 times per day). Some moments it didn’t cause much anxiety at all; at other moments it was EXCRUCIATING. Sometimes the anxiety was just my mind racing, while other times it was a sinking feeling or my chest would get tight. Sometimes, I just cried.

The next script was one in my voice. This one was a little more convincing and harder to listen to… I listened to this one for about 2 weeks as well.

After four weeks of scripts, my therapist and I came up with some “real-time” exposures. For instance, I didn’t avoid any articles that I saw on the Internet regarding homosexuality. I was supposed to read them or at least acknowledge them. I honestly had never really had issues with homosexuality or gay people before this thought popped into my life. I also didn’t have my heart skip a beat or a queasy feeling in my stomach when I would see any kind of news story on homosexuality before this obsession wreaked havoc on my life.

I also had to sit with different thought patterns I had. If I was with a same sex friend that I found attractive, I was supposed to just let my mind wander and let the thoughts be there. I wasn’t supposed to neutralize them or reassure myself.

I went to the gym a lot and if I thought a woman’s butt was hot, I was supposed to  just appreciate her beauty and not doing anything else with the thought. The gym was probably the hardest exposure for me because there were so many different variables. I wouldn’t know who would be there on any given day. For awhile I even avoided a class taught by someone who is openly gay. I thought going to her class would make me suddenly “become a lesbian” or she would know I was having these thoughts…

It wasn’t until about my tenth or eleventh session that I actually noticed my thoughts shifting. I went to 14 ERP sessions. It all depends, but my therapist said ERP can be anywhere from 10-20 sessions.

I am going to list a few things I that have improved in my life since ERP:

1. SLEEP!
2. Being present with friends and family (I felt like I was in a continual fog for quite a few months).
3. An enjoyment of begin at the gym, work, stores with out feeling like I am constantly checking between people.
4. The ability to read a book or watch a show without thoughts/obsessions/compulsions taking over.
5. Weight- I honestly kind of appreciated losing weight at first, but then it became real sucky to not enjoy food at all.
6. A renewed faith in God. I was very, very angry at God for quite some time. Mental illness is no joke. People don’t talk about it and its a very real thing to so many. My brother has struggled with a wide variety of OCD themes since he was 11. This journey has actually made us a lot closer.
7. I have become more “selectively vulnerable.” If I notice someone seems to be struggling, I gently ask some questions. If anxiety, depression, etc. come up I tell them a piece of my journey. I KNOW that my story has been used to impact others. Also, Jackie Lea’s vulnerability helped me to get help. We are all part of this OCD/ERP puzzle.
8. Work- I enjoy my job so much, but during this struggle it was really difficult for me to focus. I actually feel like I have improved at my job since ERP.
9. I’ve embraced the fact that each day is new. You might still experience setback, frustrations, fear, doubt… Yet, each moment and each day are new.
10. People with OCD have been said to be some of the most intelligent and creative people. I will own that. 😉 For real though, I’ve started doing more creative art projects to really hone in on that gift that I’ve been given. I’ve also looked at my “steel trap” memory as an asset instead of a curse. During my darkest days of OCD, I would get so incredibly frustrated by my ability to recall the most random, detailed memories in my life. Now, I use this skill to make people feel valued and honored by acknowledging important details about them.
11. Sex is something I look forward to now. For a period of time, I was going through the motions in every area of life. I actually feared sex with my husband  because I was worried that the thought would pop in during something that was supposed to be enjoyable.

12. Our family went on a big trip this past year and I was honestly dreading it all year. I thought it would be awful. The trip was actually planned right around the time OCD kicked in. I thought, “There is no way I will be doing better in a year.”

With the trip, I was worried about being away from home, I was concerned that OCD would creep back in with its ugly tactics, I thought that OCD would rob me of experiences on a trip that was intended to be lovely. Guess what?! I had a great time on the trip. It was lovely. I enjoyed it so much, which I consider a huge victory.

I want to once again clarify something. OCD will not completely disappear for many people by doing ERP. What it will do is rewire your brain. I would say my symptoms have improved by 85-90%, which is HUGE. The times that OCD likes to sneak back in are when I am stressed, tired, or duing my menstrual cycle. During these times, I remember to do lots of self care. I make sure I set healthy boundaries, take walks, baths, whatever feels best at that time to make sure I am ok.

Note from Jackie: Thank you for sharing, Mae! I would love to interview someone with HOCD who is homosexual, as HOCD effects both straight and gay people. Both of the people I’ve interviewed so far on this blog have been straight. If you are gay and have struggled with HOCD (in which you doubted your homosexuality and feared you might be straight) and have underwent exposure therapy, contact me! I’d love to feature your story on my blog– anonymously, if you prefer!

HOCD Story: Meet Mae, Part 1

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I “met” Mae online about a year ago, when she reached out to me after finding my website. What began as some advice-giving developed into a friendship, and it’s been incredible to watch Mae blossom over the last year as she underwent the difficult, incredible choice of exposure therapy to treat her OCD.

She used to read the “Interviews with a Former HOCD Sufferer” (Interview #1, Interview #2, Interview #3, Interview #4), and this weekend I asked her if she would be willing to tell her own HOCD story on my blog. She graciously agreed.

Today she’ll share more about her experience with HOCD, and tomorrow she’ll share about her experience with exposure therapy. Mae is terrifically detailed and vulnerable in her story, and I know that will benefit so many of my blog readers.

Thanks,
Jackie

mae hocd

Where do I even begin…

I’ve always been a bit of an “internally anxious person.” When I look back on my life, i had different unwanted thoughts, but it was much easier to dismiss them.

One night after a particularly stressful week at school, my husband and I were having sex (which is normally quite enjoyable!) and the thought “what if I’m a lesbian?” popped into my brain OUT OF NOWHERE.

I could not sleep. Eating was extremely difficult. I lost 20 pounds. I felt like I was in a continual fog. From the moment I woke up to the moment that I attempted to fall asleep, I had continual thoughts surrounding this theme. Sometimes my brain would get bored with the “what ifs” and it would twist and turn things to different things like “you don’t really love your husband” or “hey, check out that co-worker’s butt.” I would walk through a store and continually ask myself, “Is that woman attractive or do I find that man more attractive?”

Every piece of my identity that I had ever known seemed to be crashing before me.

Sometimes I didn’t feel physical anxiety, it was more of a mind game. My head was CONSTANTLY racing with so many competing thoughts. It was extremely exhausting.

Every little thing became an obsession. “Did I like my best friend, she has great boobs and she is smart.” “My instructor at the gym is a lesbian, does she know I’m having these thoughts?” “I’ve always liked boys, I even remember my first crush in elementary school.” “Do I dress feminine enough?” Every.little.thing. consumed me.

OCD likes to latch onto something that is central to our identity or a theme that is close to us. This thought was all consuming for 3-5 months. I tried EVERYTHING. I did mindfulness exercises, I prayed, I tried to eat “whole foods,” I did acupuncture, I worked out SO much, I tried essential oils, I tried natural supplements. I was desperate, but SO SCARED to go on meds and SO SCARED to try ERP. [Jackie interjects: ERP = exposure and response prevention therapy. This is the frontline treatment for OCD.]

I went to three different counselors before I found one that truly did ERP. Do not be dismayed if that freaks you out. I didn’t really understand what ERP was until the tail end of my therapy search. I thought CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and ERP were the exact same thing. They are not. ERP is the BEST possible thing you could do for yourself.  I cannot say that I am “cured” or that I waved a magic wand and my obsessive thoughts went away. What I can say is this, for 13 months I felt like I was in hell on Earth in so many ways. I can now say the only time the obsessive thoughts bother me is during my menstrual cycle. Sometimes I will still get a bothersome though outside of my cycle, but now I’m able to let the thought float on by. Whereas 13 months ago these thoughts consumed SO many hours of my day. These were hours that I could have been enjoying time with family, friends, my husband, and I could have been enjoying delicious food too! I had ZERO appetite for quite some time. It sucked.

I can now say that 90% of my life is great thanks to ERP and medication. I understand and honor any individual’s choice on medication. I was very, very skeptical of going on meds. I finally had to acknowledge that a combination of ERP therapy and medication helped SO much.

I’ve accepted and acknowledged that its perfectly normal and ok to enjoy someone else’s appearance (same sex or opposite). We are sexual beings created to admire beauty. I still fully love my husband and find him incredibly attractive. Do I still admire some women’s butts or their outfits? YES! And, instead of that thought and admiration cycling out of control into n endless number of questions I  let the thought be there.

I have written my ERP therapist since finishing session with him. I continually have told him how grateful I am for the work and transformation that took place in my life. Therapy sessions are over, but ERP is a continual practice. It gives you tools in your toolbox to live a healthy life, one that isn’t consumed by doubt, questioning, and anxiety.

The biggest thing I want each of you suffering with HOCD to know is: You are brave. You can do hard things. ERP is scary, but if you are willing to put in the hard work and effort the flip side is incredibly worth it.

Non-Earth-Shattering Thoughts on Singleness

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Like how I prepare you right in the title that this blog post won’t change your life? All about monitoring expectations. Ha!

Singleness is amazing sometimes. Sometimes it blows.

single taken empireSometimes being single lets you accomplish things you couldn’t do otherwise– say, write a book. Sometimes maybe you couldn’t accomplish something without the encouragement of a significant other. How do we know? I suppose we don’t. Faith.

One way I can tell I’m maturing is when I find myself thrilled for my friends in new relationships … instead of envious.

I get pissed if anyone even insinuates that I am “lesser than” because I’m single. I should probably give people the benefit of the doubt … instead I give them a lesson. #sorrynotsorry (Dating and married people, please take note of all the tiny things you do that say or insinuate this. It happens more often than you’d guess. I could give you four examples just off the top of my head.)

People who found their partner when they were young need to be especially careful about the feelings of someone who is, oh, let’s just say 34. People who got married at 20 have zero idea what it’s like to be 34 and single. It’s better just to acknowledge that than to pretend.

Being 34 and single is totally different for me than being 30 and single was.

Writing love stories is weird sometimes. But still fun.

Intimacy with friends is so important.

Intimacy with God is even more important.

Sometimes I think how Jesus was single his whole life. Sometimes I think how Paul said singleness is preferable to marriage.

I’ve observed enough friends to confidently say that it’s better to be lonely and/or discontented outside a marriage than lonely and/or discontented within one.

I’ve observed enough college students rushing to the altar to confidently say, Slow down. Your brain isn’t even fully developed until age 25. Heck, I didn’t even settle into my identity until I was about 28. I’ve seen many marriages dissolve when couples married very young. I also admit that, as a single 34-year-old, I’m not an expert on marriage.

Singleness allowed me to mentor many young people and really invest in their lives. Singleness allowed me to write a book. I try to be grateful for singleness’s gifts.

[Interlude in which I have a long online conversation with my bestie about all these things … and now it’s my bedtime and I decide to end this post with a conclusion that I call an interlude.]

Please know that all of my thoughts are shared with humility, and that some of them probably lean into stereotypes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, just please don’t be mean.