Great Decisions of My Life

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baptism1. January 1996, I gave my life to Jesus Christ.  I was fourteen years old, and my heart was singing as I leaned back into the waters of baptism.

2. August 2000, I began my education at Northwestern College in St. Paul, Minnesota.  This school molded me as a student of words and the Word and introduced me to some amazing, lifelong friends.  I had no idea that after graduation, I would end up working on the campus, and now I have spent almost 13 years at this amazing institution!

3. August 2001, I chose to be a volunteer camp counselor at Pine Haven Christian Assembly, the camp I grew up attending as a camper.  I was one person going into this week and another coming out of it; it sparked a desire in me to work with youth.  I met some of my very best friends at this camp, most of them this first week.

4. Summer 2003, I decided to apply for a position in the Northwestern admissions office.  A decade later, I still revel in that great decision every morning when I wake up excited to go to work.

5. August 2005, I started sponsoring a child through Compassion International, igniting a strong advocacy in me for helping release children from poverty.  Antonio June, Jona, and Bea bless my life.

6. March 2009, I began Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy to treat my OCD.

Hoping to make more great decisions … or be led to them … or to stumble into them!  What are the best decisions of your life?

a confession

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Although cognitive-behavioral therapy threw off my OCD chains four years ago, I have to be honest: sometimes I worry that all the protective walls I’ve built around me will come crashing down.

I know that OCD is waiting just outside.  I see it in the parking lot sometimes.  Every once in a while it sneaks into my bedroom at night and sits menacingly on my dresser, whispering ugliness.

I have the tools to make it leave now.  It has to obey me when I tell it to go.

But what if one night I’m not strong enough?  What if my voice wavers, and it realizes I’m not as powerful as I try to sound?  What will I do if it pitches a tent in my apartment, moves back in with its suitcases of grief and terror?

I speak boldly of CBT and ERP as if they are stories of the past.  I say “freedom” like it’s a permanent thing.  But I can’t see even one second into the future.

Just wanted to share these thoughts with my OCD community.  I have great joy, and I delight in my remission, but I’m a real person with real fears.  As I’ve said before, I won’t tiptoe around my OCD– but I’m not going to provoke it either.

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What I’m Listening To

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If you’re at all interested in the music that has captured me recently, I made a playlist on Spotify.  Just search “Lights All Around Blog.”  Or don’t.  But there’s some lovely music on there.

WhatImListeningTo

P.S. If you’re not using Spotify yet, why not?  It’s free, and you get access to so much music, and you can create and share your own playlists, and you support the rights-holders with every song you listen to.

In Defense of “The Last Unicorn”

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The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle is one of my all-time favorite books, and I re-read it like it’s air.  I recommend it quite often.  And yet, people very rarely take me up on my suggestion.  I think it’s because of the title.  I mean, let’s be honest, it sounds like the final book of a trilogy where the other books are Giggle Glitter and Rainbow Smiles.  I get it.

But no.

This book routinely polls as one of the top 10 fantasy novels of all time.  It is stunning.

These are the reasons I love it so much:

1. The lyrical writing.  It’s like this completely gorgeous narrative poem!  On every page, you encounter a gem so beautiful you want to put it in your mouth like rock candy.

“Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.”

“Her voice left a flavor of honey and gunpowder on the air.”

“When you walk, you make an echo where they used to be.”

2. The humor.  Beagle’s timing for tossing out a laugh-aloud moment is impeccable and doesn’t distract from the story, only adds.

“The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.”

“You pile of stones, you waste, you desolation, I’ll stuff you with misery till it comes out of your eyes. I’ll change your heart into green grass, and all you love into a sheep. I’ll turn you into a bad poet with dreams.”

3. The meta-writing.  Story about story.  The characters have this self-awareness that they are a part of a story, and it’s a fascinating device I’ve rarely seen used.  Beagle does so with flawless charm.

“Haven’t you ever been in a fairy tale before?. . . . The hero has to make a prophecy come true, and the villain is the one who has to stop him — though in another kind of story, it’s more often the other way around. And a hero has to be in trouble from the moment of his birth, or he’s not a real hero. It’s a great relief to find out about Prince Lir. I’ve been waiting for this tale to turn up a leading man. . . .”

“The true secret in being a hero lies in knowing the order of things. The swineherd cannot already be wed to the princess when he embarks on his adventures, nor can the boy knock on the witch’s door when she is already away on vacation. The wicked uncle cannot be found out and foiled before he does something wicked. Things must happen when it is time for them to happen. Quests may not simply be abandoned; prophecies may not be left to rot like unpicked fruit; unicorns may go unrescued for a very long time, but not forever. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.”

If you like the fantasy genre, or even just world-class writing despite genre, then you need to read this book.

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books books books

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Just finished …

Stupid Fast by Geoff Herbach | The subtitle on this novel is “The summer I went from a joke to a jock.”  Felton Reinstein has gotten tall and fast, and suddenly his high school football team wants to recruit him to play.  In the same summer, his best friend leaves to spend the summer in South America, a beautiful young pianist moves into town, and Felton’s mother ceases acting like a mother.  This is his story, and I rather enjoyed it, even though it felt more geared toward boys.  That said, I loved Herbach’s great VOICE in this story, and it was a lot deeper and more serious than I thought it was going to be (the back cover copy made it sound like it was all going to be about becoming a jock, but really it was more about his family issues and going through big changes).  Bravo!  And Herbach is from Minnesota– he teaches at MSU-Mankato!

Dr. Bird’s Advice for Sad Poets by Evan Roskos | James Whitman is not related to Walt Whitman, but he is obsessed with him.  He’s also depressed, thinks a lot about suicide, and is trying to piece together why his older sister Jorie was expelled from their high school and kicked out of their family home.  A very impressive debut by Evan Roskos!  Yawp!!

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell | After devouring Eleanor and Park last month, I was desperate to get my hands on anything else written by Rowell.  She has another new book in the works, but her only other publication is Attachments, an adult novel, which was a nice change of pace for me!  This book is set during the Y2K scare, when the internet was still a new commodity.  Lincoln’s job is to monitor the interoffice emails to make sure that people are following company policies.  But Beth and Jennifer’s emails are so hilarious that he doesn’t send out a warning … and instead, he keeps reading their emails, simultaneously falling in love with Beth through her emails.  This book was incredibly well-written and very funny.  I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it.  I was trying not to be too jealous of Rowell’s spot-on humor and description, as well as her incredible characterization.  It was definitely different to read a book where the main characters actually don’t interact throughout most of it; in fact, you don’t even know what Beth looks like for a lot of the book!  But quite fascinating.  Highly recommend.  And I will definitely be buying Rowell’s Fangirl, coming out September 2013.

The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle | Brilliant and beautiful. Every. Single. Time.  (More on this tomorrow!)

Plus a bunch of Narnia (as always!) and Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows.

Currently reading …

Quitter by Jon Acuff

The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness

The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker

Bonus …

Found out Billy Collins is publishing Aimless Love: New and Collected Poems in October 2013!  So excited!

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Best of the Web: Jackie’s Latest Picks

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I wanted to pay props to some absolutely incredible blogs and videos I’ve read and seen recently.  I hope you’ll take the time to check out the ones that most interest you!  And, as always, I encourage you to post your thoughts below.

For the Doubters by Michael Gungor | When Gungor frontman found himself in utter metaphysical darkness, this “at least/even if” philosophy allowed him to continue putting one foot in front of the other in relation to faith.

My Panic Attacks, My Mental Illness, and the Church’s Dirty Little Secret by Carlos Whittaker | “My faith and my seretonin levels have nothing to do with each other.”

What Christians Need to Know about Mental Health by Ann Voskamp | “There are some who take communion and anti-depressants and there are those  who think both are a crutch.  Come in close — I’d rather walk tall with a crutch than crawl around insisting like a proud and bloody fool that I didn’t need one.”

A Modern-Day Easter Story by Matt Rath of Samaritan’s Purse | The story of a young man who forgave the man who murdered his family members in the Rwandan genocide; I am blessed to know Alex personally from my summer camp.

North Korea: Explained, a vlog by Hank Green of Vlogbrothers | This short 4-minute vlog will get you up to speed with what’s going on with North Korea (at least, what we know about!).

My Story, Part 5a: The Things that Carried Me by Anna at Living the Story | I feel like Anna’s soul speaks the same language as mine.  This is just a short post in her “My Story” series, and I loved it.

What Happens in a Stare by shrinksarentcheap | This is just one of her incredible poems, which are quite savage in a way that I love.  This is a poem about sexuality, so don’t read it if you think you’ll be offended.

Brené Brown at TEDxHouston and Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Some fascinating and incredible talks about vulnerability, shame, and wholeheartedness.  They are each 20 minutes long, but so worth the time investment!

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God Has Me

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This song is gripping my heart lately.  OCD whispered ugly lies to me for YEARS, but this was the truth.

“You Have Me”

Out on the farthest edge
there in the silence
you were there

My faith was torn to shreds
heart in the balance
but you were therealways faithful
always good
you have still have my
you still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
everything broken
but you were there

I’ve wandered heaven’s gates
I’ve made my bed in hell
You were there still

You have me
You have my heart completely

Drops of Jupiter, Revisited

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drops of jupiter revisitedI’ve been to nine planets in twelve years, and it’s starting to show.  Long gone are the days of summer-acting, rain-walking, spring-listening, and June-talking.  The tiny drops of Jupiter in my hair and on my skin have lost their sheen.  Constellation stories are old, memorized.  The flashing waves of the sun, my old playground, hurt these tired eyes.

I remember when Venus was a show-stopper, when Saturn’s rings were my cosmic carousel.  In my moods, I hid in Neptune’s dark spot.  On cool nights, I’d put the top down and cruise the Milky Way, that galactic highway.

But tonight, I am resting in a crook of the moon, and from here, I can see evening lights stretching across the northern hemisphere.  I almost miss that particular gravity of home, can almost picture the lilacs that grew on the farm, a medley of purples for those two weeks that passed like a moment. 

May…  Minnesota…

The breeze would trip from spring into summer as it rushed across the newly-plowed fields and all the lakes and through the flames of the bonfire that lit the surrounding faces with an intense orange glow.

It’s so cold in space.