Category Archives: writing

Odds & Ends

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this hair i can't evenAbout two weeks ago, I felt pretty confident that my life was in shambles, so I did what I do: I made a list. It was 22 items long. Today I crossed item #22 off the list. I am still a hot mess. Go figure.

Thankfully, item #22 was getting my tax refund, which came today. Now instead of being dirt-poor, I’m just regular-poor. 🙂

One of the things on my list was to ask my editor for a few extra weeks to work on my first draft (she agreed) and then to revise my word count strategy to get the draft done by the end of the month. So far I’m on track. In fact, all week I’ve been staying one day ahead of schedule, always allowing myself that extra space to skip writing for a night. Instead, I’ve kept plowing ahead. This weekend I need to tackle some of the harder parts of the novel, a couple scenes that need to be written for the very first time, and a storyline that I have very little clue what to do with. Oh man.

I was invited to a young adult book club in St. Cloud last weekend, and it was wonderful, and everyone there was so lovely and asked such thoughtful questions. I was there to talk about Truest and about writing, but I ended up talking a fair amount about OCD, which is, of course, all wrapped up in my story too. Ashleigh, one of the book club members, was kind enough to tag me in this beautiful blog post.

I’ve been searching for most of my adult life for the perfect lip color. If I showed you my lipstick/lip gloss accumulation, you’d think I’m so lame. Especially because what I learned was that I never keep my lips colored unless it’s something I can put on without a mirror. So– between finding the perfect color(s) and something that could be applied mirror-less– I struck out a lot over the years. But not anymore. I’ve found the most perfect solution (at least for me): Burt’s Bees Tinted Lip Balm. I use both Red Dahlia and Forest Flower (which … appears to be no longer available. WHAT IS THIS LIFE??? Are you kidding me? In my ANNOUNCEMENT of my perfect lip product, I find out it’s discontinued? The universe is cruel.).

I’m reading a book. It’s incredible. It’s so emotionally overwhelming that I can’t consume too much of it at a time or else I’d just binge-read it. Noggin by John Corey Whaley. I was fooled by its cover into assuming it was something else. But no. It is … so much. Maybe my favorite book I’ve read so far this year. I’m desperate for a happy ending and terrified I won’t get it. NO ONE SPOIL ME. Review will come soon … as soon as I can continue pressing my heart through this meat-grinder. Gosh, I love books.

What about you, folks? What are you reading these days? What are you buying? What are you doing for fun? Are you having to force yourself to be an adult the way I’ve been having to? What’s on your radar? Did your tax return save your life? I wanna hear from you.

 

The Doors

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No, not these guys.

the doors

These guys:

collage photos of doors on the old districts of Europe

I thought I’d update you on my creative goals for this year, the doors I want to walk through.

Behind Door 1: a final manuscript of Yes Novel Salt Novel (edited 1.10.16)

This goal changed only ten days into the new year, as my editor and I decided to set aside the manuscript I was working on and pick up a different one. I’m thrilled about that and loving the chance to dive back into the world of Salt Novel, which is set on an island. So fun! I got a little sick, and that set me back in my revision timeline, but then again, we just decided to push the publication back to summer 2018, so it’s probably okay. I feel good about the direction of this book; I’ll update you after I submit a draft to my editor next month! But rest assured, you’re gonna love these characters. They are fun and jaded and had so many sharp edges. I adore them.

Behind Door 2: a first draft of my next novel.

This is not gonna happen, not with the revised timeline. That’s okay.

Behind Door 3: three new story ideas, just the bare bones.

I’ve been thinking on these– I have characters taking shape in my brain, characters who beckon me to know them better.

Behind Door 4: a writing retreat.

I’m planning it for this summer. Gosh, I feel like I could do so much damage if I could just get a week in Duluth.

Behind Door 5: a day of creative exploration.

I haven’t really thought about this much. I was waiting for it to be nicer outside first. And then– “like the first signs of spring, like good news” (Narnia)– it was 60 degrees here yesterday! (And then today it snowed a little. Oh Minnesota.)

Behind Door 6: a pruned TBR shelf, via reading and weeding.

hpbI’m getting back in the rhythm of reading! Feels so good. I just DNFed a book halfway through last night, which sucks (and no, I won’t tell you which book! I really want my blog to be a place where I rave about the books I love, not complain about the books I don’t– which is why you will almost never see a negative review here). That prompted me to go through my TBR (to be read) bookshelf and be brutally honest with myself about what books I’m unlikely to read. I pulled almost twenty books off the shelf!

Behind Door 7: a book of poetry every month.

Staying on track! Tomorrow my review of It Becomes You by Dobby Gibson will go live. Join me next month in reading Siphon, Harbor by Brooklyn Copeland. A list for the whole year is available here.

Behind Door 8: a healthier writing lifestyle.

Figuring it out! I’m taking one day a week away from writing, which feels really good and alleviates the pressure. I’ve also created a detailed word count document that keeps me from feeling like I have to do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. Next step: training myself to go to bed on time!!

So, there you have it. Trucking along. Mostly. 🙂

Cold Milk

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Is there anything better than a glass of cold milk?

Okay, probably. But right now it’s rocking my world.

I’ve been reading like a maniac. I just finished four books. Two reviews are up: Underwater (review) and In A World Just Right (review). The other two are forthcoming. Plus I started another book, Exquisite Captive by Heather Demetrios. It feels really good (and healthy!) to be reading a ton.

I’m working on my 2016 creative goals. I especially want to tackle what’s behind door #6 (a pruned TBR shelf). I think this upcoming weekend, I need to do another round of culling the shelf. Plus, of course, all the reading helps move books from my TBR shelf to my beautiful full-wall bookcase. Rock and roll.

To that end, I’m being super selective in my book purchases lately. As you know, I pre-ordered a handful right after Christmas; now that Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo is available for pre-order and MELINA MARCHETTA’S NEW BOOK (Tell the Truth, Shame the Devil) is available too, I’ll place orders for those. My gosh, I don’t think she’s put out a book since Quintana in 2012, which honestly feels like forever ago. Even though this an adult mystery (instead of her usual YA contemp or YA fantasy), it doesn’t matter to me. I’d read her grocery lists.

Just finished my glass of milk. Dang, that was good.

I want to be a better blogger. Not sure yet what that will look like.

I’ve been PLOTTING. This might come as a shock since many of you know that I abhor plotting, but this has actually been sort of fun. I think it’s mostly because I already mostly knew what was going to happen and what needed to happen and got to hammer it out in a spreadsheet, of all things. Plus, I’ve been doing lots of brainstorming and research, and I’m excited about my ideas. Nothing like spending hours on Pinterest and getting to call it work!

Now to write. I’ve been avoiding my manuscript for over a week now. That is not good, nor is it like me. But we had this exhausting weekend of work, and afterward I just needed to rest, and before you know it, my rhythm is all off and I’m terrified to dive back in. It’s like, as long as I write five or six days a week, I’m the queen of double dutch.

double dutch

But once I stop for a couple days, I’ve bounced out of the ropes and cannot figure out how to jump back in. 

jump in

Does that analogy work for you?

I know I just need to do it, no matter how sloppy it is.

I’ve been sick. I’m desperately trying to save up PTO to take a writing retreat (see 2016 creative goals, door #4), but I just had to blow it all this week. Ugh. Starting over.

In case you missed it, my next novel is not coming out till summer 2018 now. I feel GREAT about it … until I go on Twitter. I really should not go on Twitter. It is a dark place for me. I wonder if I will always, always struggle with comparing myself to other writers.

That’s the scoop from my sick-couch! Pray I am better by tomorrow morning. I have to be.

 

time & books & paradoxes

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As many of you regular blog readers already know, I just recently set aside the novel I spent the last 14 months working on and decided to instead focus on a different story.

Today my editor emailed me with a new timeline: Salt Novel will likely be published in summer 2018.

On the one hand, this is such a relief. I’m tremendously grateful for an editor who cares so much about putting out a quality piece of literature that she’s willing to give me the space to make it the best it can be. So many publishers seem to demand a book a year from their authors, and my life is just not conducive to that kind of rushed production. I’m lucky.

On the other hand, one of my writer-friends just announced today his book deal for books #3 and #4. He debuted with me last year. His second book comes out this year. The third in 2017, and the fourth in 2018. And I can’t help but think, Wow, he will have four books out when my second one is published. There’s a little bit of envy there, yes.

I don’t know. I’d love to be prolific, but the stress of producing a book a year doesn’t feel worth it or even realistic for me. I am so glad for the extended timeline, but then I wonder old books isolated on whiteif my career is going to be hampered by it.

Just sounding off tonight. Needed to type up my thoughts. Care to chime in?: do you get antsy when your favorite writers take a long time to write their books? Or do you appreciate it?

 

Life like a Rocket

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An update on my life:

I’m reading again. I read two books this week and started a third. Loved Ruta Sepetys’s Salt to the Sea (review) and Anna-Marie McLemore’s The Weight of Feathers (review). I was lucky enough to get an ARC of my friend Addie Zierman’s new book, Night Driving: A Story of Faith in the Dark. I’ve read the first couple chapters, which are brilliant. No surprise there. Addie’s writing knocks me off my feet every time.

My writing group is amazing. It was so good to get together with them this week and really hash out my POV concerns for Salt Novel. I feel really, really good about where we landed. Plus, they are so encouraging. To be honest, in the early stages of writing a novel, I think that’s probably my biggest need: to have people say, We’re interested. We like these characters. Keep going. 

I’m making some changes to my OCD meds. This is maybe a little surprising, since I’ve said before that I don’t like to rock the boat. Problem is, I had some blood work done and the little half-milligram of Risperdal I take each night is probably affecting me in such a way that I need to get off of it long-term. That part is fine to me. I feel like these days I’m using Risperdal more as a sleep aid than as an anti-psychotic. So I suggested to my psychiatrist that maybe I could trade Risperdal in for an actual sleep aid like Trazodone. He agreed. I really can’t sleep without Risperdal (see story below for case in point), but I also know from past experience that I’m suuuuuuuuuper sensitive to Trazodone. We’re working out the kinks. My primary care doctor also recommended that I start taking NAC, an amino acid that has been helpful for people with OCD. The next day, our OCD Twin Cities group was talking about NAC. Then I asked my psychiatrist, and he gave me the thumbs up too. I’ll keep you posted. The nice thing about NAC is that you can pick it up at any old vitamin store, no need for a prescription.

Sleep evades me. I’ve had some problems (read: lots) with sleep lately. I cannot sleep without Risperdal. But I also take 10 mg of melatonin, which is all-natural. Even then, I wake up throughout the night, and in the morning, I don’t feel well-rested. Last night, I gathered up my evening meds, and I thought I felt one pill fall on the floor. I got on my hands and knees looking for it, but couldn’t find anything so I went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I was restless. I was wakeful. I was up for long periods of time around 1, 2, and 3 am (at which point I started praying for my friends– sometimes when I can’t sleep I wonder if that’s why I’m up. Interestingly, one of my friends told me today that she was up at 3 am, fitful over some things going on. I was praying for her at the same time!). Finally, at 6 am, wide awake but soooo tired, I realized the pill that probably fell was my Risperdal. So I took Risperdal at 6 am and finally got some rest. YUCKO. Thank goodness it’s the weekend!

Except I have to work this weekend. This is historically the hardest couple of days of the year for me– President’s Day and the day before– because we have a wild and crazy large-group overnight event for prospective students on these days. As my personality has shifted into full-on introversion, it’s gotten harder and harder. Think of me.

It’s pretty darn cold in MN. We’ve had it easy so far this year for the most part, but in the last couple days, it’s been downright frigid.

I’m excited about my novel. I really am. I have so many ideas and so much hope. Sometimes all the ideas and all the hope kind of flood me and I get overwhelmed, so I remind myself to put my head down and to SHOW UP and put in the work. I have a really detailed word count spreadsheet, and I’m loving it. Theoretically, if I follow the spreadsheet, I will have a draft finished soon! It’s so good to be back on the island with these characters. They are lovely and cruel and have lots of sharp edges.

One last thing: Girl Scout cookies are destroying me.

How are you, friends? Please comment. I absolutely love hearing from you. Makes me feel less alone!

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Tidy

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And the winner isFor right now– this exact second– I feel on top of things.

I’ve created a detailed word count goal chart, and I’m so far ahead that I technically don’t have to write till Wednesday. (But I will.)

My mom is coming over tomorrow (football what?) to work on putting the finishing touches on my house. Guys. It looks so great. It’s come so far since the end of April! (As one might hope.)

I just cleaned my bedroom. Current and former roommates can attest that that is no small task.

I gathered all my tax documents together. I’m not totally failing at adulthood.

I’m going to church in the morning, and it’s at our old-new building. (Our original site when we launched in 2010 was purchased out from under us, but this winter we had the opportunity to buy it! So tomorrow is a sort of homecoming!) There is much more to be said about this, but I’m not ready yet.

I paid off my credit card.

I get to see my family, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my best friend, and my writing group this upcoming week, and yet my schedule isn’t too crowded.

Gold medal, Sommers. Way to keep the ship afloat.

*Someone send me this post next time I freak out.*

Green Lights in Writing

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A green traffic light with a sky blue backgroundI can have the most incredible idea on paper … and then, when I start to try out the scenes, the characters, or whatever, maybe nothing feels right. There’s no excitement, there’s no drive, there’s no flood of creativity.

Because I’m a fan of and not afraid of hard work, I take this pretty seriously. I stop to question whether there’s no green light for a reason.

I’m pretty vocal about my faith, so for me, I often equate this with a supernatural redirection– but even if you’re not religious, you might still believe in ideas like kismet or gut feelings and intuition.

So, what about when you have an amazing idea and no green light? Then what? Do you go with an idea that seems “lesser” but has a green-light excitement and feel to it?

I think so.

I hope so.

With faith.

Now, note that I’m not trying to discourage hard work. I think it would be a horrible idea to give up on a great idea simply because it’s hard. By this green light idea, I’m talking merely about setting aside a great idea because it’s wrong.

Writers, any thoughts on this? How hard do you push an idea that doesn’t “feel” right? Does this green light concept ring a bell with you or am I totally talking nonsense?

Imagination & Skill

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I can imagine a lot. I can imagine a perfect book. (Frankly, it looks a lot like The Piper’s Son by Melina Marchetta.)

But my skills as a writer don’t stretch so far. At least, not yet. I’m still such a novice.

I’m very proud of Truest. I know it’s not perfect, but it’s the very best I could offer at age 33. I’m turning 34 on Sunday. I wonder what my very best will look like this year and next.

My editor “set me loose” for the next week to see what damage I can do to my manuscript of Ardor Novel. I’m thrilled. Terrified. Trying so hard to remember to honor the process: write, feedback, revise, repeat. I’m on step one of a long process. I’m at Go.

Writing is such a fearsome thing.

I love it; I am afraid of it.

Trying to remind myself of the gameplan, which is mostly the voice of Anne Lamott: Bird by bird. Butt in seat, hands on keyboard. Show up. Shitty first drafts.

And my own voice: Choose joy. 

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This Week Has Been Whoa

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So, I’m sitting here debating how much I want to say, and instead, I think I just need to start.

This week has been wild.

WILD.

emotionalrollercoaster

On Sunday, depression surged up and wrapped its ugly hands around my throat. But I don’t mess around anymore. I called in all the reserves: meds, essential oils, tons of water, vitamins, meeting with my therapist, a chiropractic adjustment. By Wednesday, my world wasn’t ending anymore.

Which is interesting because on Tuesday I talked to my editor about Yes Novel, and she said, “Start over.”

Yeah, you read that right. Start over.

But guess what? That conversation made me so happy. I’m serious. Because I wasn’t feeling good about Yes Novel (haven’t been for a while!) and so to hear my editor say that she wasn’t either meant we were on the same page. That’s such a good feeling. I can’t tell you what a relief it is (and how lucky I feel) to have an editor who is more committed to putting out a good book than to staying on schedule.

Because I’m not afraid of working hard. But I’m terrified of mediocrity.

(More thoughts coming soon about my battle against perfectionism.)

So, I started to re-think Yes Novel and what changes I wanted to make if I started to rebuild it from the foundation up. It needs a lot of work, guys. It made me think of the novel I set aside in November 2014 in order to start writing Yes Novel. It’s a manuscript that I’ve re-visited over the last year more than once. I’ve missed the characters. I’ve missed the island where it takes place. It has more things in the right places than Yes Novel does.

In one fifteen-minute drive home, I’d all but convinced myself I wanted to switch projects again. Again. (Remember this?)

I emailed my editor and asked her to take a look at my old manuscript (let’s call it Ardor Novel), and she agreed.

This morning she emailed that she was excited about the manuscript!!

Does that mean I’ve officially switched from Yes Novel to Ardor Novel?

No. But probably.

And I couldn’t be more excited. Stay tuned to learn more about what has happened in the past year behind the scenes to prepare me for returning to this story.

But for now, please leave a kind comment for this pummeled, anxiety-ridden writer who is currently jacked up on bookish adrenaline. I’m exhausted. But I’m almost shaking with excitement. I could use some cheerleaders!

Perfectionism Digs a Deep Hole

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Exhibit A.

doubt

Exhibit B.

mm no

Exhibit C.

ideas

Exhibit D.

brene

Exhibit E.

Runner crossing finish line

Achiever. That’s honestly my #2 strength after Learner via StrengthsFinder. But so often it doesn’t feel like a strength; it feels crippling.

Perfectionism is something I’ve battled my whole life. I didn’t just want an A on the test, I wanted the highest score in the class. I might get 100% but if someone else also got an extra credit point, I’d feel like I didn’t perform well.

Performer. My freedom from OCD has given me so much freedom in this area too. I’m learning that my worth isn’t based on my performance.

But it’s still a lie I all too often believe.

I’m a writer. But I can never measure up to my own standards for myself, and so I walk around defeated even when I’m living my dream.

I don’t have answers to this. I just needed to share. Thanks for listening.