Category Archives: OCD

The Invisible Fight

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There’s a scene in C.S. Lewis’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader where Lucy, Edmund, Eustace, and Caspian land on an island inhabited by invisible people who seem to be enemies.  The group talked over their best options for escape and realized they would likely need to fight:

“Surely,” said Lucy, “if Rhince and the others on the Dawn Treader see us fighting on the shore they’ll be able to do something.”

“But they won’t see us fighting if they can’t see any enemy,” said Eustace miserably. “They’ll think we’re just swinging our swords in the air for fun.”

Couldn't find the owner of this awesome pic, but I love how many stories it tells.

Couldn’t find the owner of this awesome pic, but I love how many stories it tells.

It makes me think of OCD. Not only of OCD but other mental illnesses too.

People often cannot see the evidence of a mental illness, and so they think we’re just “swinging our swords in the air for fun.”  It’s difficult– because the enemy is so very, very real, and the stakes are high (sometimes it’s literally life-or-death), but since mental illness is invisible, the fight doesn’t always warrant the respect it’s due.

For some of us, we look perfectly “normal.” We go to work, we smile often, laugh at our friends or co-workers.  And for some of us, the battle against intrusive thoughts is almost entirely internal (especially for those of us with Pure-O, whose compulsions are usually also invisible).

I am not at all trying to pit visible illnesses against invisible ones; every individual struggle matters.  My point is just to say this: you don’t know what the person next to you is fighting. Be kind to all people.

 

For (lots!) more about OCD and ERP, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Being Me with OCD by Alison Dotson

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BeingMeWithOCDI first connected with Alison Dotson through the International OCD Foundation blog, where we realized that we were both from Minneapolis and made plans to get coffee.  I can still remember that first in-person meeting at Dunn Bros, one of those lovely times between two obsessive-compulsives finding joy and relief in saying, “Me too, me too!”

Alison’s book– Being Me with OCD— is aimed toward teenagers and young adults, but I think its audience is much wider than that.  It’s incredibly well-written, chock full of helpful information, and– most importantly, I think– it’s like sitting down with a friend.  While reading it, I kept thinking of my first meeting with Alison.  Her comforting, empathetic voice comes through so strongly in the book that you feel like you have a friend, a cheerleader, right beside you.

The book is part-memoir, part self-help, and is sprinkled throughout with personal essays from teens and young adults who offer wonderful insight into a variety of areas.  OCD is a strange beast in that, while it works the same way for most people, it manifests itself differently for each person, and the personal essays help the book touch on areas that haven’t been a part of Alison’s own personal journey with OCD.

I deeply appreciated her approach to medication.  I also loved that she dedicated considerable time discussing exposure and response prevention, even though she never underwent ERP herself.  Alison also spends time talking about overcoming stigma.

All in all, a great book for teens, young adults, or any age!  The best part is finding someone who gets it,
someone brave enough to share, someone on your team.

Read an excerpt. Buy the book on Amazon. Follow Alison’s blog.

OCD & Faith

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I was recently asked how my faith survived 20 years of abuse at the hand of OCD.  This fellow sufferer wondered how I reconciled/justified my continued believe in God after so much hurt and such a sense of betrayal.

It’s a great question.

I am a Christian, that is, I believe that Jesus Christ is God’s only son, that he came to earth to rescue men, died on a cross on a Friday, and rose again to life the following Sunday.  

It’s actually the story of the cross and the resurrection that have allowed me to cling to my faith.

The agony of the cross shows me that Jesus understands my suffering; we identify with one another. And the victory of the resurrection prompts me to have hope in my suffering, knowing that only a weekend separated the worst story from becoming the best; I am filled with hope that, just as I identify with him in his suffering, I will also identify with him in his victory.

The truth is that without the gospel of Christ, it would be difficult for me to justify my continued faith.

 

For more about my faith, go to jackieleasommers.com/faith.
For (lots!) more about OCD and ERP, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

cross and resurrection

OCD in Remission: Eyes on OCD or Eyes on the Journey?

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I recently received a fascinating email from a young woman with obsessive-compulsive disorder, who posed a question that made me stop and think.

I would love it if you could offer me your take on this: is it better to keep my eyes on my feet (IE journey), or is it a good idea to keep an eye on my OCD?

Essentially, she was asking if it was smarter to keep an eye on the illness (knowing that OCD is never cured, only managed) or if it was better to ignore OCD while she could and just enjoy the journey.

periphery2Here’s what I said:

Such a good, thought-provoking question.  I imagine that the answer might be different from person to person, but as for me, I think the answer is a little bit of both.
 
My OCD has been in remission since ERP five years ago.  These days, I don’t pay a terrible amount of attention to my OCD because it’s no longer intruding on my life on a regular basis.  That said, if I have an off day, OCD is the first thing I “check”– did I take my meds, am I having intrusive thoughts and need to practice some exposures again, etc.?
 
I think it’s BEST to keep your eyes on the journey.  But you still have peripheral vision. 🙂

For more about the ERP therapy that set me free, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Image credit: toxicbarbie13

Obsessing vs. Brainstorming

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I’ve had a very, very active brain for pretty much my entire life.  I’m the girl people always described as “the one who thinks too much.”  I have thoughts and ideas rush me like little hurricanes, and this is just as true after ERP therapy as it was before.

But there’s a huge difference too: productivity.

Before ERP, my thoughts were often OCD-induced intrusive thoughts that led me down dark avenues over and over again.  My thinking was circular, and I could re-visit the same ideas an uncountable number of times each day.  I was a hamster on a treadmill or a dog chasing its tail– that is, expending a lot of energy but going nowhere.

After ERP, my thoughts are much more welcome to me.  I can choose to focus on the ones I want.  I may still be lying awake at night, but it’s productive, and I end up jotting tons of notes and ideas down in my phone.  I start in one place, but an hour later, I’ve traveled some distance and often have huge realizations about my fictional characters and storylines.

Believe me, the latter is much more fulfilling.

 

For more about the ERP therapy that set me free, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

I'm SO over this.

I’m SO over this.

Obsessive-Compulsives are Brave.

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bebraveSometimes I think we OCs view ourselves as the antithesis of bravery because we experience so much anxiety, so much fear … and often over things that no one else seems to be struggling with.

But here’s the thing: we do it.  We battle this anxiety every. single. day.  

We get up.  We go to work and school.  We battle our way through days and nights like warriors.  People who don’t have OCD can rarely understand the terror that we stare in the eye every day.

And, most importantly, we seek out treatment– and that is the bravest thing of all.

 

For more about the ERP therapy that set me free, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Image credit: Kelli Murray

More Thoughts on Profanity [& how ERP therapy changed my writing]

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profanityAs you may have read before, I have a strange and evolving relationship with profanity.  Having grown up in a home that outlawed even pseudo-swearing (we couldn’t say gosh or shut up, among other things) paired with growing up with a mental illness elicited in me a dreadful fear of curse words– more than was ever healthy, even for a child.  For many years, my intrusive thoughts centered around illicit words, which developed in me a deep sense of guilt.

In my ERP therapy, I had to learn to think those words, even say them.  In doing so, I was stealing back power from my OCD, putting it more and more under my heel.  It was during ERP and in the year that followed that I realized a couple things:

1) Words are just words.  That said, “just words” still pack as much power as a nuke.

2) You can harm with words that are not profanity– worse than with profanity, in some cases.  A hard-hitting insult or an insincere comment can sting far worse than the word shit.

3) Shit does not equal poop.  Ass does not equal butt.  Damn does not equal darn.  They just really, really don’t.  They are completely different words.  As a writer, it’s my job to choose the best word in every line I write.  Just the same way that valor and courage both mean bravery, but those two words are not the same word.  I have to select each word with extreme care.

4) The fearsome qualities one assigns to the dreaded f-bomb are terribly reduced when you’re forced to listen to it for 80 minutes a day (again, ERP).

5) In ERP, I learned to separate myself from my OCD.  I learned to assign my intrusive thoughts to my disorder, instead of to myself.  To say, “OCD wants me to think X.”  This view, I see, has carried over into my view of my characters.  Even though I am the author, if my character John or Paul or Suzie wants to say a curse word, I don’t feel guilty.  Characters have their own histories, their own choice of words.  (Maybe you think this is strange … passing off my responsibility to characters that I’ve created.  If you do, then you’re probably not a writer.  As a writer, I have far less control over my characters than you might ever imagine.)

6) I write realistic contemporaries.  A teenager who has grown up lawlessly is going to swear.  You know that’s true.

7) In my personal life, I refuse to let OCD enslave me again.  One way it did so was by a huge and unwarranted fear of profanity.  I damn well won’t let it take control of me in that way again.

8) Personally– again, this is just for me– profanity is a small way for me to ward off the legalism that used to bind me.

9) “Let nothing unwholesome come out your mouth”: I guess I have to admit that I don’t really find curse words terribly unwholesome anymore.  I’m finding a lot of it to be based on social constructs that I don’t value enough to hold to.  I find it far more unwholesome for me to open my mouth and speak lies or to tear my fellows down.

10) This quote from Maggie Stiefvater:

Occasionally a reader will tell me that I don’t need to use swearing. They will follow this up with this well-worn phrase “you have a good enough vocabulary that you don’t need to use THOSE words.” Yes, I do. I do indeed. Since I don’t need to use them, that means I’m choosing to use them. If you trust me to be using non-swear words in a skillful way, please assume that I’m wielding my fucks and damns with the same contemplation.

As should all of you other writers out there. They’re just words. Handle them with care.

So, those are my thoughts.  I’m not terribly interested in getting into a debate, but do feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!

See more of my thoughts on profanity here:
Profanity in Literature
Profanity

Image credit: found this all over the internet, couldn’t find original.

I Confess

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confessI don’t want to admit this to you.  I really don’t.

But I’ve made such efforts to be honest with my blogging community, and the wonderful, encouraging reception I’ve always gotten from you, my beloved readers, has continually encouraged me to continue with that honesty and integrity.

So today I’m going to tell you something that might make you made at me.  Here it is:

Sometimes I get really frustrated with people with OCD. 

Five years of freedom and already I am so quick to frustration.  Shame on me, right?  Then again, the last five years of my life (post-ERP) have been so absolutely incredible that they make me even more frustrated with those who avoid treatment.

The truth of the matter is this: exposure and response prevention is the best and most appropriate treatment for OCD.  Quite simply, if you’re looking for a “solution” to your OCD, then I have it for you: ERP.  I hear from a lot of people who seem to want a different answer, and yet my bottom line remains the same: ERP, ERP, ERP.

I know it’s scary.  (Trust me, I know it’s scary!)  But it’s the right answer, and I’m not going to send you on a wild goose chase when I know the right answer.  That would be like me telling you to go get chemotherapy for your gunshot wound or that you need insulin for your broken arm.  It’s obvious that those aren’t the correct treatment for the issue, and I won’t do that to you.

Research shows that ERP is the best treatment for OCD.  My life shows that a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder can redeem the years he or she lost to being enslaved by OCD.  No matter how many times you ask me, I’m going to give the same answer.

There.  Got it off my chest.  Don’t worry, folks; I’m still here for ya!  I aim to be a voice advocating for our quiet and oppressed community.  But just how I refuse to aid someone in compulsions, I will also refuse to send you down the wrong corridor for help.  I’m doing this with the best interest of our community in mind, I promise.

My heart and energies and motivations rest in leading those in slavery toward freedom.  Know that.

Life after OCD Treatment

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Someone on Quora asked:

How does your personality compare from before and after the treatment ? Do you feel you are not curious anymore ?  Do you feel you are now asking less questions than before ? Is there any reduction or improvement in cognitive performance ? What were the negative symptoms ?
You can read my answer here.
For more information about ERP, the #1 treatment for OCD, go to jackieleasommers.com/OCD.