Category Archives: OCD

Seven Reasons to Vote for Me!

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All you have to do is go to http://www.ocfoundation.org/awarenessweek, and vote for my submission “Tipping Point”!

1) You don’t have to register to vote, and it will only take you a couple seconds.

2) I worked really, really hard on the submission.

3) I live and breathe OCD awareness.

4) This contest combines two of my passions– writing and OCD awareness.

5) You love me.

6) If I win, they will fly me to Boston to read my submission!

7) I have poured my life into writing Lights All Around.

If you really, really love me, then you will send the link to your friends and ask them to vote for me as well!

Thank you to all!!!!

 

OCD Awareness Contest Finalist!!!

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OH MY GOODNESS!  Friends, I just found out that I am a finalist in this year’s OCD Awareness Week contest!  Will you please vote for my entry “Tipping Point” at the following website so that I can win a trip to BOSTON to read it?!!!  I would DIE OF DELIGHT!  You can vote here: http://www.ocfoundation.org/awarenessweek/

Just click on the vote link, and make sure you vote for me– share this will your friends please!  I have been an OCD awareness advocate for years, and this would be a dream come true for me– to combine writing AND my advocacy in one event!  PLEASE VOTE AND ASK OTHERS TO VOTE TOO!

Keep Calm

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I have never really been neutral about anything.  I am an extremist, and I feel things in my bones.

I sometimes have a hard time seeing that the current situation will likely change soon.  This is a burden given to me by obsessive-compulsive disorder.  We OCs think things will always feel this way.

I am a writer.  Creativity is like air to me.

All of these things combine, and you have me, this volatile, passionate artist whose highs are marvelous and whose lows are dark.  When writing is not going well, I sometimes think it will NEVER go well again.

Years of this rollercoaster should have proved to me that things will level out again.  I don’t have to rush every draft like a linebacker, don’t have to wrestle it into shape.  I can relax, breathe deeply, set it aside for a (short) time, think and pray and carry on.

literature, time, and other thoughts

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They were drawing me.  The books.

It was like my car was on autopilot– I thought I was headed to Dunn Bros, but when I drove past it, I wasn’t surprised.  Instead, I just let my car take me to Barnes and Noble.

It’s been a little while since I have been here.  Now that I have a membership and have free shipping, I’ve been buying most of my books online.  Today it wasn’t enough.  I had to be with them, surrounded by them, which is why I am drinking a banana chocolate smoothie, typing on my laptop alone, but feeling like I am in the company of friends– or future friends.

To be honest, I feel a little overwhelmed.  There are so many books I want to read, I don’t know when I’m going to find time to get to them all.  I perused the “Summer Reading” table and found more that intrigued me.  From where I sit, I can see the “New Fiction” shelves, and I wonder if I’ll ever have a book there.

I feel pulled so many ways.  I want to readreadREAD, but I am trying to balance that out with plenty of time for writing, which I love even more.  But my writing is informed and inspired by what I read, so I have to keep fueling that fire.  Those two activities alone could keep me busy until I die, I think, and yet– I have even more important things in my life than these.

People.  God.

I know everyone gets 24 hours a day, but I wish I could have more.  How am I supposed to be a loving, caring daughter and friend while working fulltime and writing a novel and feeding an obsessive reading habit– all while never neglecting my true love Jesus Christ and his church?

Praise God that OCD is no longer demanding so much of my attention.  How did I manage?  It feels like a different lifetime.

And yet, I have friends who do all this and take care of a spouse and children.  It boggles my mind.

I want my life to matter, want to leave a mark.  It seems difficult to do when my interests are so spread– I worry that my efforts in each area will be lacking because I didn’t have enough time invested into each one.

I think that one of the reasons I decided to keep a list of books I have read and reviewed (click THE READER tab above) was to try to organize at least one part of my life.  When I sit here in the bookstore, surrounded by all this brilliance, I know that there will be corners I never explore.  Somehow maybe this will help me keep better control of the labyrinth I’m in.

And what a beautiful labyrinth.

slavery and freedom

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Last Thursday and Friday, I attended the Global Leadership Summit through a satellite site, and it was incredible.  This was my second year attending, and both last year and this year were phenomenal.  Essentially, the Willow Creek Association pulls together a knock-out faculty of world-class leaders to speak; it’s like being smacked upside the head (in incredible ways) each hour.

On Friday, Pranitha Timothy of International Justice Mission spoke about human trafficking and about her work with IJM to rescue many from slavery.  It stirred my blood.  It always does, to hear stories about slavery and freedom.  I want my life to matter, want to do something important for the Kingdom.  I could almost picture myself going into dangerous situations to pull children out of slavery and get them safely back into school.

On Saturday, I met with a college student whom I have known for about a year and a half, a young man who is living in his own personal OCD hell and is ready to break out of it by pursuing cognitive-behavioral therapy.  We sat together, discussing OCD and how hard it was and how no one understands– but also CBT and how it can give him the tools to step from darkness into light.  I told him that in just a short time, he could be free from OCD’s reign, and I realized …

I am an advocate for those in slavery seeking freedom.

I may not be rushing into workhouses to confront slave-owners or holding children in the midst of a chaotic rescue, but I am a CBT advocate, telling obsessive-compulsives over and over and over again that this is the way to freedom.

I still plan to support IJM financially (and you can too at http://www.ijm.org/give), but I realized that my personal rescue missions will look a little different.

eternal life

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Price: “Eternal life is not a substance, it is a Person, and it is enjoyed by knowing the Person.  It is knowing God and knowing Christ.”

I remember reading this in college and having something click inside of me.  It’s not about Heaven.  It’s about JESUS.  Which is why my favorite verse is now John 17:3, which says, “And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.”

It reminds me that my eternal life has already begun, since I know Jesus now and will continue to know him forever.

For someone who has religious-themed OCD and scrupulosity, this is like a rock beneath my feet.

an audiobook controversy

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I am a fan.  A huge fan.

I travel a fair amount for work to exotic places like South Dakota.  (JK– I love South Dakota, but exotic it is not.)  In any case, when you pair a long car ride alone with obsessive-compulsive disorder, you get nothing but trouble.  I learned early on that if I didn’t give my mind something to chew on during those drives, then I would be submitting myself to OCD attacks.

I read Perelandra by C.S. Lewis while driving 75 MPH down I-29 from Watertown to Sioux Falls.  And when I say read, I mean read, my eyes flickering every two seconds between the page on my steering wheel and out the windshield.  I know, I know– it’s terrible, and it was so dangerous, and I could have killed myself or someone else.  Praise God I didn’t.

But in the end, my office awarded me the “FOR GOODNESS SAKES, GET A RADIO” award, and I started using audiobooks, the safer and legal version of reading while driving.  Over the years, I have collected a small library of audiobooks, which I listen to rather often since I like to re-read.

Now, here is my question, and maybe you in the blogosphere can help settle a disagreement between my co-worker and myself: is listening to an audiobook the same thing as reading?

I say YES.  Sure, it’s a different format of reading, but it’s still reading.  I think it is fair for me to listen to an audiobook and then tell a friend, “I just read such-and-such book.”  That seems obvious to me.

I cannot understand why my co-worker Josh disagrees.  He said it’s not the same thing.  I don’t understand why it wouldn’t be.  It’s still a BOOK, isn’t it?  How then would you describe your interaction with it?  “I just listened to such-and-such book”?  And if so, what is the difference between saying that and that you read it?

I fear this post is very inarticulate, but maybe one of you readers can help put my thoughts (or Josh’s) into words.  Help?

not alone

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One of my OCD friends just sent me a message that said: “I have also been reading your blog… ha almost like looking at my own biography.”

It reminded me so much that although OCD tries to make us feel like freaks– like we are the only ones who could think such thoughts– like we are unique in our horrors– it’s not true.  All obsessive-compulsives are telling the same story, just with different details.  We are wearing the same outfits but have put on different accessories.  We are not alone.

OCD wears many masks: scrupulosity, checking, ordering, washing, etc.– but in the end it is a neurological disorder that makes us think unwanted thoughts and then perform actions to give ourselves temporary relief.  We are all in the same boat together.

I as a Pure-O can sit with a washer and empathize.  We have a common enemy.

For years, I thought I was some kind of anomaly.  I’m not.  I’m just a girl whose mind has a glitch, and I stand alongside many others who experience the same thing.

Community is important.  I felt validated when I discovered that there were others like myself.  I remember reading Kissing Doorknobs for the first time.  I remember my first conversation with another OC.  I remember reading Stop Obsessing! and seeing myself in the pages, just the way my friend is seeing himself in my blog posts.  Community matters.  And that is one reason that I shout from the rooftops that I have OCD, just in case any other OCs are listening, in case they recognize themselves in me.  Then we can sit down, talk, share stories, and realize that ours are both the same.

 

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy gave me back my life

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Some of you probably think that I am being dramatic.  If you do, I can almost guarantee that you have never suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder, because those with OCD know that it essentially steals life and joy right out from under you.

I was in a dark place.  My thoughts felt uncontrollable and blasphemous.  I could not take long car rides or fall asleep at night without audiobooks because I needed to give my racing mind something to focus on.  I felt deeply guilty nearly all of the time– and even about small or ridiculous things.  I had an unreasonable weight of responsibility on my shoulders, as if I were somehow the one keeping the world functioning.  I entertained silly and/or terrifying idea of reality.  I felt hellbound and cut off from God’s love and forgiveness.  I was without hope and utterly exhausted.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy was one of the hardest things that I have ever undergone– but those 12 weeks of intense therapy were what God used to set me free from the clutches of OCD.  CBT is a strange concept– give in to your obsessive thoughts in order to gain control over them– but IT WORKS.  I am living proof.

I cannot recommend CBT enough.  It is my mantra to anyone who suffers from OCD: get CBT, get CBT, get CBT.  I feel so much happiness, joy, security, normality now that I want to plead with OCs to come join me on the other side.

Listen up.  If you have OCD and are living in darkness, I know the way out.  I would be happy to sit down with you and tell you all about CBT, answer any questions that you might have, and encourage you as best as I can.  Go to http://abct.org and find a cognitive-behavioral therapist in your area.  There is a light ahead.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

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Are you familiar?

Wikipedia says, “The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.”

Essentially, it’s this test you can take that will tell you what type of person you are/personality you have.

 

Years ago, I took the official test and tested as an ENFJ, which seemed quite accurate and which made me join the ranks of other famous ENFJs such as David (king of Israel), Ronald Reagan, Dick Van Dyke, and Oprah Winfrey.

Over the years, I have grown increasingly more introverted, so I’d really like to take the test again and see where I fall on the scale.  Although the official test costs money, there are free versions of it online.

Just retook it.

STILL ENFJ.

I have a hard time believing that.  I am far more energized by being alone than by being with others.

And yet …

The new test said I was 1% extravert.  The old one said 100%.  That’s a pretty big jump.

In the interest of discovering, trends …

If you have OCD, what is your Myers-Briggs type?  Do you find yourself more introverted or extraverted?