thoughts on heaven

I have heard it credited to Saint Augustine: “Make me chaste — but not yet.”

For a long time, that was my thought about heaven.  I wanted to go there someday— but definitely not today.

Heaven scared me, and it still does sometimes.  There is so much I don’t understand about it:

* How can something last forever?
* Won’t it get boring?
* If all imperfection is gone, who will I even be?
* Will we have goals?
* Will I still write?
* Will there be any challenges?
* Will I interact with others or only be focused on God?

Even now, thinking about it has made me a little uneasy.

My co-worker believes that heaven will be on earth.  I seem to think it will be entirely separate.  I know that I will be with Christ, and since He is my true love, I will be happy.  But I still get a little scared sometimes.  I’m so used to this earth, as messed up and sinful as it is.  I know what it is like to desire things and work for them and how to draft and re-draft chapters in a bookstore on the weekends.

I used to be even more scared of heaven– before I read The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis, that culminating seventh and final book of the Narnia series.  I won’t tell you what happens in it (my favorite book), but it eases my mind about heaven.  It reminds me not of the questions I have but of the JOY I’ll experience being in the presence of my Savior.

joy in sorrow

I grew up hearing that happiness was situational but that joy was not: that joy was this solid rock you stood on, and it never moved, even when everything else around you was crashing down.  I was supposed to feel a deep-seated joy, even when I wasn’t happy.  I knew this.  I tried to make it be true, tried to convince others that it was.

But for much of my life, if you were to strip away all the smiles and masks, I was resting on an uncomfortable bedrock of deep sorrow, bondage, and fear– and oceans below, barely visible, there was a flickering hope.  I smiled often– sometimes it was fake, sometimes it was real.  There were moments of joy, real instances where it flashed so bright that I couldn’t see the ugliness around me.

It’s different now.

I have what I always wanted while growing up, and it is incredible.  Even when I am feeling low, depressed, frustrated with friends or with my writing life, or even deeply saddened, I am grounded like an anchor to JOY.  I have a permanent seat inside it, and from that seat, I can experience the whole wide range of other emotions, but I don’t move from the chair.

I believe that anyone who loves Jesus Christ can have this be true.  In my early life, the problem was that I was convinced by a lie: I believed that my future was not secure in my Savior.  Obsessive-compulsive disorder robbed me of that truth.  Cognitive-behavioral therapy restored it.

What is at your core today?  Are you standing immovable on joy, or something else?  Why is that?

 

the Sons of Korah get it

To me, there are two places in scripture that embody the depression and hopelessness inspired by OCD.

The first is in Luke 23:48-29, which takes place immediately after Jesus has died: “And all the crowds that had assembled for this spectacle, when they saw what had taken place, returned home beating their breasts. And all his acquaintances and the women who had followed him from Galilee stood at a distance watching these things.”  This one is more implied than overt, of course, but I can clearly imagine the deadness in the hearts of his friends as they watched their great hope dangle dead on a cursed tree.

The second is Psalm 88.  I’m drawn toward the Message version, and I used to sob as I read these words, feeling their truth weigh on my heart like the worst kind of pain and loneliness that existed.

God, you’re my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I’m in.
I’ve had my fill of trouble;
    I’m camped on the edge of hell.
I’m written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I’m a black hole in oblivion.
You’ve dropped me into a bottomless pit,
    sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I’m battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I’m caught in a maze and can’t find my way out,
    blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

I call to you, God; all day I call.
    I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

I’m standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I’ve been hurting;
    I’ve taken the worst you can hand out, and I’ve had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
    I’m bleeding, black-and-blue.
You’ve attacked me fiercely from every side,
    raining down blows till I’m nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
    the only friend I have left is Darkness.

I praise God that he faithfully saw me through the very worst throes of OCD, and I believe that he will see me through whatever else lies ahead.  But I have known deep depression, darkness so intense that I could see no escape, terror that ignited my heart with a wild fury.  And he has seen me through it all.

There is hope.  Even though those friends couldn’t imagine it in their wildest dreams as they stared at that lifeless body stapled to the cross, the resurrection was just around the corner.

deviant ART
Depression_by_ironcpu

the Word became flesh

I have been trying to pause, peel away my thirty years of Christian upbringing, strip myself of my identity, and just objectively consider that statement: “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.”

Mind-boggling.

There is nothing normal about God deciding to slip into human flesh.

What a revolutionary idea.  A brilliant, heartbreaking, down-and-dirty choice.  Christianity is so mysterious, so fascinating, so raw.

I am in this for good.

Damned if I do; damned if I don’t.

What happens if you write a book that is too Christian for a secular publisher and too secular for a Christian publisher?

God, I want to write a book that honors You, boldly declares Your Name, is NOT preachy, but is CLEAR on the gospel.  And also is realistic and full of grotesque life.  I feel burdened tonight, but I KNOW that YOU will find a place for it if YOU want to.  I just want to write the book that You want me to write.  Point me to YOUR edits above all others’.  I just want to please everyone, and I need to QUIT THAT.  I need to return to my list.  #1 You, #2 me, #3 JG.  Remind me of this list.  This is the list I should have in the back of my mind as I make edits, as I rewrite.
God, I feel emotionally drained by West and Silas and Laurel.  But it feels GOOD, in a way.  Good, if I can point to You in dark times.  Why would I want to write a story that didn’t point to You?  Please help me, Jesus.  Will You please make the road rise up before me?
I love You.  I need Your help in EVERYTHING.  Amen.
And so I am just trying to write the very best book I can and to trust God to divinely intervene all he wants. 

Medical or Spiritual?

Discovered a website this weekend that is very disturbing to me as a Christian obsessive-compulsive.

At GreatBibleStudy.com, you can read quotes like the following:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly referred to as OCD, is not a mental disorder or disease… it is a spiritually rooted bondage in the person’s mind that needs to be uprooted.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is basically demonic torment brought on by a person’s bondages to fear and shame.

These ‘voices’ or compulsive thoughts are NOT caused because of a chemical imbalance (which the secular world cannot explain anyways); they are there because of a spiritual bondage in the person’s life.

Now, don’t get me wrong!  I believe that obsessive-compulsive disorder has entered into this world due to SIN, yes, but to negate that OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance seems ridiculous to me.  As a Christian, I view ALL of life through a spiritual lens, but these quotes seem like the equivalent of saying, “Diabetes is not a problem with the pancreas– it’s a spiritual issue!!!”  To say that diabetes is not connected to the pancreas’s inability to produce insuliin would be silly, just as saying that OCD is not connected to a chemical inbalance (our bodies absorb serotonin too quickly … that’s why we take SSRIs [selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors … they SLOW DOWN the reuptake/reabsorbtion of serotonin]).

All issues are spiritual issues, but that does not mean that they are NOT also medical issues.  God is also the Author of Science and the Creator of our bodies.  To not combine the spiritual with the scientific is short-sighted, I believe.

What are your thoughts on these quotes?  I’d especially love to hear from obsessive-compulsive believers!

This is a repost of an earlier entry.

11 years ago … my memories of 9/11

My second year of college, I lived in a suite with seven other girls whom I laughed with and fought with and loved.  That Tuesday morning, one of my quadmates Tracy and I had a class together, and I was getting annoyed because she was dawdling because she didn’t feel well and was probably going to make me late.

Another quadmate Megan, pre-med, had an early lab that morning and returned to our place, breathless as she reached for the remote.  She clicked on the news, saying, “A plane crashed into the World Trade Center!”

My first image was of some podunk, rogue new pilot who had accidentally somehow managed to bump into the building.

But the people on the news seemed serious, and Tracy sat down on the couch next to Megs to watch.  “We need to go,” I told her.

She waved me off, still watching the screen.  “I’m not going to go.  You can leave.”

I stomped off to Nazareth Hall, upset and annoyed that I would be late now without a partner in crime.  When I got to the fourth floor, someone in my class had turned on the TV in the room, and now the news was reporting on the crash at the Pentagon.  Everyone was transfixed.  I clearly remember thinking, Is this the end of the world?

Our teacher made us turn off the TV.  I don’t think anyone quite realized yet that this would be one of our nation’s biggest tragedies.  We talked in class about leadership.  I don’t remember anything specific about it.

At Northwestern College, we had chapel every morning at 10:30 am (CST).  As the student body was making its way to Maranatha Auditorium from all areas of campus, everyone was buzzing about the news.  I was in the Totino stairwell talking animatedly about the towers being hit when John, a friend from freshman year, said, “I think the bigger deal is that it has collapsed.”

Wait, what?

I remember being in complete shock– how could a small plane collapse a skyscraper?  It wasn’t until a week or so later when I saw in a magazine an illustrated cross-section of the tower with an overlaid plane, as if seen from above.  Then it made more sense.

In chapel, they had a live news feed playing over the giant screen above the stage.  The student body watched, cried, prayed.  They let the feed play all day, and students came in and out to watch and pray.

I was shell-shocked, since my sister Kristin and my dad had been in New York City only two weeks earlier.  They had pictures of themselves from the roof of the WTC.  Even though I knew they were safe and in Minnesota, I kept picturing them on top of that building, knowing that someone else’s sister and dad had to be in the building that day, my heart breaking for them and so relieved that my family had escaped tragedy by fewer than 14 days.

Everyone at my (rather Calvinistic) school kept saying, “This did not surprise God; this did not surprise God,” and I knew that Northwestern was the very best place for me to sort through the tragedy.  It was incredible to grieve with a community that both loved and trusted God’s sovereignty in spite of the destruction and sadness.

What a day.  Sometimes it is hard to believe that it has been over a decade since then.  Sometimes it feels like it’s been even longer.  My dad says he always remembers what he was doing when he found out JFK was shot.  I suppose this is my generation’s event.  It makes me sad even to write about it today, all these years later.

One thing I know: September 11, 2001, did not surprise my good and perfect God.  I continue to trust Him.

quality Christian fiction

This issue has been pawing at me for the last week or so.

Here’s my dilemma:

As a fanatic writer, I have a hard time incorporating Jesus Christ into my writing in a way that is not alienating to non-believers.

As a critical reader, I find the number of books that can do this well to be sorely lacking.

Look, I know that there is a vibrant “Christian fiction” genre out there, but if I step into that area of the bookstore, I seem to be surrounded by Amish romances.  Really?  Amish romances?  That is what Christian fiction has boiled down to?  I have no– read my lips, NO– interest in reading such a book.

I want books like Perelandra by C.S. Lewis (which was full of dense theological arguments that were presenting in a fascinating and thrilling cosmic duel that draws in all readers), books like Peace Like a River by Leif Enger (which somehow manages to show a believer’s real relationship with Christ without stepping for even one moment into sentimentality).

Even worse than that issue is that I worry that I am contributing to the problem.  I’m not writing any poems about how God blessed us with puppies and rainbows or anything, but I am really struggling to find a way to speak to all audiences while still mentioning the name of my Savior.

This was my prayer the other night, which I am showing to you in the hopes that you will join me in praying it:

Jesus Christ, my hope, my love, I BEG THAT YOU WOULD SHOW ME HOW TO WRITE CHRISTIAN FICTION THAT GLORIFIES YOU AND CALLS OUT TO UNBELIEVING HEARTS.

 Jesus, I want to do something big for You.  Unfortunately, without Your assistance, I can do NOTHING.  HA!  I even need You just to enable me to worship rightly.  I NEED YOU, JESUS.  My heart wants this so badly– I so desperately, so deeply want to honor You through my writing and want to draw people to You through story.  It seems almost insurmountable to me– the idea of writing incredible, realistic fiction that both honors You and appeals to both believers and non-believers and that will minister to hearts of all kinds.  Jesus, I know it is possible with You, but I think that is the ONLY way it is possible.  And I plead for it.  It’s like my heart is begging for this, Jesus, to honor You in this way, and I need Your guidance and direction just to even come close.  Help me to get there.  Help me to persist even if it takes so very, very long to get there.

I want what I write to matter; I want it to be infused with meaning and with YOU, and I don’t know how to do that without alienating the very people that I want to have read the book. 

May I please throw all this responsibility back on You and ask that You simply use these hands as Your tools?  When I sit at my laptop to write, Holy Spirit, I pray that it would be You who guides the words I write.

Amen.