Category Archives: Jesus

Grand Slam? Please?

Posted on by
3

grand slamWhen I was in high school, summers were all about loving God and cute boys at Bible camp.  Now that I’m 31, summers seem to be about throwing a wrench in my life.

Last summer, it was work related.

This summer, it’s all about housing.

As you may recall from earlier posts, my beloved roommate Desiree is getting married in August, and while I’m so happy for her and Matt, I’m terribly sad to lose her as a roommate.  She has been a comforter, co-conspirator, and companion, and she’s been by my side since the pre-ERP days.  She has the perfect sense of humor, loves Jesus with her whole heart, and dispenses compassion as if it’s on tap.  This apartment will be so different without her here.  (Thankfully, she’s only moving two buildings over– I can’t complain about that!)

I started the roommate search back in January, when Des and Matt first got engaged, and actually, it was pretty simple.  A new friend agreed to live with me, and that was that.  I moved forward for months with that plan, even re-signed my lease with that friend in the back pocket.

Just last week, she backed out.

So instead of seven months to find a new roommate, I now have six weeks.

I don’t want to slam that friend– she really is lovely– but she did put me in a tight spot.

I’ve already signed the lease.  I can’t afford to live here alone.  I don’t have anywhere to move to even if I did break the lease.  I want to stay.  I’m suuuuuuper picky about whom I’ll live with (after living with Des for six years, how could I not be?).  And in the back of my head, I keep thinking, If you don’t find someone right away and are paying alone, can you really afford to start grad school in January?

Not to mention I felt like a loser getting “dumped” by a potential roommate for a different one.

But here’s the thing …

Joseph on his way to Egypt.  Moses at the Red Sea.  Easter weekend.  Things can look pretty dark, even right before brightness bursts over the scene.

The bases are loaded.  The crowd is watching intently.  I’m so grateful that it’s not my turn in the batting line-up.  It’s His.

It’s always His.

grand slam2

Satan is the accuser; Christ is our defender.

Posted on by
30

Recently, one of my blog readers asked me how I could tell when a thought came from OCD or from God, especially because one of my formerly intrusive thoughts was of a Bible verse that seemed to condemn me.  She wrote, “I keep reading that Bible verses spontaneously popping into one’s head is a prime way God speaks to people.”

What a great question.  One I’m not entirely sure I’m qualified to tackle, although I do know that the more I learn about and understand my OCD, the easier and easier it is for me to spot it.  I can recognize its tell-tale voice from a mile away now.  And while I don’t think that OCD = Satan (at all), they are both my enemies and they are both accusers.

Here is the (in flux) conclusion (is that an oxymoron?) I’ve come to:

I guess the big thing is this: when OCD would bring up that Bible verse, it worked like an intrusive thought and brought deep anxiety to me, but with God … his kindness leads us to repentance, not to shame.  The voice of God showers me with kindness, grace, conviction that leads to change … but I don’t think God’s voice is one of shame and accusation. In fact, scripture even tells us that SATAN is the accuser and CHRIST is the one who defends us.

Remember, Satan used and twisted scripture when Christ was going through his temptations, so we know that it’s part of the devil’s arsenal.

frustration4My friend Erica told me something fascinating she’d once heard: “The Holy Spirit does not motivate with guilt.”  Likewise, my incredibly wise writing professor Judy said, “I know the voice of God because that voice invites me to move closer without shame while the voice of Satan fills me with an electric dread that makes me want to hide.”

As always, I encouraged this blog reader to explore Exposure and Response Prevention therapy.  In the four years since my ERP, the voice of OCD has become so easy to recognize.  I finally know my enemy’s voice.

And better yet, I know my savior’s.

 

Great Decisions of My Life

Posted on by
2

baptism1. January 1996, I gave my life to Jesus Christ.  I was fourteen years old, and my heart was singing as I leaned back into the waters of baptism.

2. August 2000, I began my education at Northwestern College in St. Paul, Minnesota.  This school molded me as a student of words and the Word and introduced me to some amazing, lifelong friends.  I had no idea that after graduation, I would end up working on the campus, and now I have spent almost 13 years at this amazing institution!

3. August 2001, I chose to be a volunteer camp counselor at Pine Haven Christian Assembly, the camp I grew up attending as a camper.  I was one person going into this week and another coming out of it; it sparked a desire in me to work with youth.  I met some of my very best friends at this camp, most of them this first week.

4. Summer 2003, I decided to apply for a position in the Northwestern admissions office.  A decade later, I still revel in that great decision every morning when I wake up excited to go to work.

5. August 2005, I started sponsoring a child through Compassion International, igniting a strong advocacy in me for helping release children from poverty.  Antonio June, Jona, and Bea bless my life.

6. March 2009, I began Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy to treat my OCD.

Hoping to make more great decisions … or be led to them … or to stumble into them!  What are the best decisions of your life?

God Has Me

Posted on by
2

This song is gripping my heart lately.  OCD whispered ugly lies to me for YEARS, but this was the truth.

“You Have Me”

Out on the farthest edge
there in the silence
you were there

My faith was torn to shreds
heart in the balance
but you were therealways faithful
always good
you have still have my
you still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
everything broken
but you were there

I’ve wandered heaven’s gates
I’ve made my bed in hell
You were there still

You have me
You have my heart completely

God’s Sovereignty, OCD, the Cross, and His Purposes

Posted on by
31

Just wanted to sort out some thoughts and spark conversation on my blog today.

A little while ago, I asked the question on my blog Did God give me OCD? and came to conclusion that yes, he did, to draw me to himself and so that I could use it to glorify him and help others.  A blog reader challenged me on that conclusion, and I thought her questions were valid.  She wrote:

Let me challenge this: Is God good or bad? Does God do bad things? I do not believe that God gives people sickness, disorders, etc. It is contrary to God’s character to do those things. I DO believe that God will use bad circumstances/disease/etc in order to bring Him glory and all the things you said. BUT the whole reason that Jesus died for us is to enter into relationship with the Father. There had to be a sacrifice to tear the veil and stand in the gap between the God of the Old Testament and the New Covenant. When we look at the OT, we have to look at it through the lens of the Cross…would the Cross change how a situation would look? Judgement in the New Testament is always correctional because final judgement doesn’t happen on this earth anymore (it did in the OT). When we look at sickness, we see that Jesus performed miracles to show God’s love. He never caused anyone sickness. I do not believe that God gave you OCD, but I 100% agree that God is good and uses your OCD to drive you to Him, so that you could glorify Him with it, and to help others who are suffering.

This comment has got me thinking deeply about this.  Right now, it’s still a pretty jarbled (that’s a mix of jumbled and garbled) blend of the doctrine of suffering (suffering in itself is not virtuous, but it does seem purposeful [Romans 8:28-29]), God’s sovereignty (is God in control of everything?  Even disease/disorder?  Sin and evil aren’t of his making, but if he gave humans the choice to opt for them, doesn’t that mean he is still master over it all?), and hindsight (now that OCD is not master of me, it’s easier to see the larger picture of OCD as a tool God used in my life).

I think that my position (for now) still stands with the belief that God did give me OCD for his glory and purposes.

cross4To answer the commenter’s questions, I respond with my own questions: from one perspective, the CROSS was a “bad thing.”  In the moment, who would have guessed it would come to be known as GOOD Friday?  And we know it was planned. Redemption through the cross was the plan for forever.  “Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand” (Isaiah 53:10).  Think of this from a human perspective.  If we watched a father allow his son to be tortured, we would probably say that dad was doing a “bad thing.”

But, of course, we don’t see the cross from that angle anymore.  We know what happened on Sunday morning after Christ’s death.  And we now know that the cross is the most beautiful thing, the event that allows us freedom and life.  We look on the “bad thing” as a glorious thing.

So, could it be that way with OCD?  (I don’t think I’m ready to call it a “glorious thing” yet!)  But if suffering is predetermined (“Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good” [1 Peter 4:19]), who predetermined it?  It’s hard for me to separate God from control over all things (I’m still sorting through some of this, including the fall of man).

What do you think?  Let’s dialogue.

Asking the Tough Questions

Posted on by
8

confused boyThe Wednesday before Easter, my dear friend Ashley and I went to a performance of “Kingdom Undone,” which was showing at the Southern Theater in Minneapolis.  This was a story of days leading up to Christ’s death, but the emphasis … was on Judas Iscariot.

The betrayer.  The traitor.  But in this play, a lover of Christ who misunderstood just what the coming of Christ’s kingdom would truly look like.  A zealous believer who thought he was doing what was right, even what was needed of him.

It was fascinating.  Afterward, Ashley and I could not quit talking about Judas and his role in Christ’s death, both of us eager to return to Scripture to measure our thoughts against Truth.

I want Judas to be redeemed.  So badly.  Mostly because I think that would make for the best story.

That alarmed me for a little bit, made me really uncomfortable.  Was I imagining that I could make an “improvement” on the gospel story (if Judas was not under grace)?  The gospel is my FAVORITE story.  It’s like how I’d feel if someone wanted to change the ending to The Last Battle or something.  (Potentially– I still have not totally landed on what I think was Judas’ fate.  Although scripture does say, “Satan entered into him.”  But we also do know that he regretted his choices– deeply.)

Anyway, it’s good for this obsessive-compulsive to sit with troublesome uncertainty.  Once upon a time, these kinds of questions would have collapsed me, but now I’ve learned to sit with them.

…

Another of my friends emailed me this week with an unrelated faith crisis as she struggles to reconcile the (vengeful, confusing, sometimes bloodthirsty) God of the Old Testament with the (merciful, loving, gracious) Christ of the New Testament.  They are, after all, one and the same.  But she loves Jesus, she told me, and is pissed at the OT God and trying to struggle her way through the dissonance.

I wonder the same thing sometimes too.  The Old Testament and New seem so vastly different.  But I know that the Law was a tutor to lead us to Christ, and I know that the God of the Old Testament orchestrated the whole beautiful gospel from before time began, so they do flow together.  I know that God welcomed Gentiles like me in order to make Israel jealous, and I am forever grateful to be a wild shoot grafted into the natural tree.

This post doesn’t have a lot of answers, and I think that’s okay.  I’m learning to ask the tough questions and to sit without an answer, wait in that uncomfortable silence because God is still holy there.

RESURRECTION!!!

Posted on by
1

empty tomb2I. LOVE. EASTER.

Today I celebrate the event that makes everything– everything!— different for me!  Jesus Christ, who died, is ALIVE!

My purpose comes from the resurrection.  The resurrection puts weights in my shoes, tethers me from drifting into nothingness.  The resurrection injects meaning into my daily life like a holy syringe.

On Easter morning, I wake with this feeling of power and pride– pride in my Savior and joy in knowing that the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead is living in me!  Makes me want to start throwing air punches along to the Rocky theme song!

Or how about this song instead?  This is one of my favorite songs about Easter, especially for the line, “The mouth of the tomb shouted, ‘Glory!  The groom is alive!'”  So. Good.

Enjoy, and may you truly REVEL in the delight of the resurrection today and every day.

Just Around the Corner

Posted on by
Reply

“Neely, have you ever been to a tenebrae service?”

“Like for Good Friday, you mean?  Yeah, we have one at my church most years.  We had one a couple months ago.”

“What was your service like?”

I leaned my head against the back of the couch, thinking.  “Um … there were seven votives lit on the stage.  Different people went up to the microphone; each one read one of the seven last things Christ said on the cross and then extinguished one of the candles.  So, after all seven people had read, we were in the dark in the sanctuary.”  I could picture Ellen, on my left, growing uncomfortable as the light had diminished.  On my right had sat Sophie, her big brown eyes taking in the scene.

“Tenebrae is Latin for ‘shadows’ or ‘darkness,’” said Ruth.  “Can you imagine the darkness of that original Good Friday?” she asked.  “Think about it.  Imagine being a follower of Christ and standing there beneath the cross on the very day he died.  You had believed all His promises, but now he is nailed to a tree, dead.  I probably would have cried until I went into shock.  I’d be staring at that limp body thinking, should I go home?  Should I stay?  What is the use of anything now?  How will I readjust to life without purpose?”

“As if you’d lived a day too long, and now there was nothing for you,” I said, identifying as I knew Ruth wanted but not sure of her point.

“Exactly,” said Ruth.  “I bet those early Christians—in the interim darkness between the cross and the resurrection—could understand your misery.”

I waited, still not grasping where …

“On Sunday morning, Christ rose from the dead and conquered death!” she said.  “Victory was just around the corner.”

sad girl4