There are resources available:
jackieleasommers.com/OCD
OCD Network to Recovery
International OCD Foundation
The ABCs of OCD
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Tag Archives: obsessive-compulsive disorder
You are not your illness.
Related posts:
Bullying My Bully
OCD Resurgence
Talking about OCD with Children
A Closer Look at HOCD
Since I first blogged about HOCD, more and more people have been coming out of the woodwork in my life to say, “That’s me.” I’m realizing every week just what a common OCD theme it is to struggle with and question one’s sexuality, even when there is really very little reason to do so. When I talk to obsessive-compulsives with HOCD, it’s very clear to me that they are straight (they want to be straight, they are not generally attracted to the opposite sex, etc.), but OCD– that old bastard– won’t give them any rest.
I decided to conduct a small, not-scientific-at-all study on my own so that I could compare responses and see what trends I could see. I asked the same 8 questions to 4 of my friends– one male and one female, each with HOCD, and one male and one female, both who are homosexual. I’m so grateful to them for their thorough and honest responses, which I have edited down without changing any of the meanings obvious in the larger context.
I’d like to share them with you.
1. When did you first start to wonder if you were gay? How old were you? Was there a particular experience that “triggered” your questioning?
2. When you first suspected you were gay, how did you feel? What emotions went through you, both as you considered what it would mean for yourself internally and for your relationships externally?
3. How long did the debating (am I gay/am I not?) last? Was this something you knew or something you were/are trying to figure out?
4. When you pictured yourself interacting romantically with someone of your same sex, what emotions did you experience? Also, how sure of those emotions were you? (Did you waffle back and forth between your reactions, or were you certain and set on a particular reaction?)
5. Did you/do you want to be gay?
6. Do you struggle/have you struggled with any OCD-related obsessions (HOCD or otherwise)? Have you been diagnosed with OCD?
7. In general, do you find yourself primarily attracted to the opposite sex or your same sex?
8. Do you find people of both genders attractive?
I’d be so fascinated to hear reactions to these answers from my blog readers. What did you notice? What surprised you? Are there any trends you are seeing or sensing?
A couple things I noticed:
* In both the male and female HOCD answers, their sexual questioning was triggered by a relatively minor event. In contrast, the homosexual response from both genders was more of a large-scale “I knew I was different.”
* My gay friends seemed to fear people’s responses and reactions more than they actually feared being homosexual.
* Both HOCD responses toward imagining romantic interactions with the same sex were primarily negative– disinterest, nausea– even though there may have been physical reactions that seemed to say otherwise.
* Those with HOCD thoughts were already deeply struggling with other areas of OCD.
* Everyone agreed that both genders can be attractive– but note that doesn’t equate being attracted to them.
I’d love to hear from my readers. What are your thoughts?
Disclaimer that I should probably have put at the top: I think it is obvious that this blog post is not at all about discussing the morality of homosexuality. This blog post is about discovering what we can about HOCD in comparison to homosexuality. All four of the people who so graciously agreed to be interviewed are my friends, if you think I will so much as let you breathe an insult in their direction, just get ready to feel my wrath. There are avenues for you to debate homosexuality and/or homophobia; this blog is NOT one. >calms down, flashes big smile<
Related posts:
Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
Another Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
No One Wants to Talk about HOCD
A Big Ol’ HOCD Post
A Third Interview with a Former HOCD Sufferer
Mental illness is a medical problem.
One thing that frustrates me to no end is when people treat mental illness like moodiness, as if you can just snap out of it, instead of like the medical issue it is. This mindset is so pervasive that it has infiltrated even those with mental disorders. It broke my heart to sit across the table from an obsessive-compulsive who thought she should be able to just “pray away” her OCD. Now, of course I think that prayer matters. But I think also that you pray about cancer– and then undergo chemotherapy— and pray some more.
OCD shared experiences
Last Wednesday, I was interviewed about my OCD in front of a group of around 100 students at the college where I work. It was such a blessing to be able to share with them. We talked about wanting to keep OCD a secret, about how OCD affected my relationships, about cognitive-behavioral therapy, about how long it took for me to find relief.
Afterward, I had a small group of students who hung around to ask questions and to connect with me. One girl was crying, telling me her older sister had OCD and she hoped that her sister could “come as far” as I had. Another told me that she had never had the chance to meet someone who struggled the same way as she did. Another asked some great, probing questions about CBT. Two days later, I had a mom email me and tell me that her daughter had come to my chapel talk and told her how great it was to hear from someone else who’d been diagnosed with scrupolosity. I’ve scheduled or am scheduling several coffee dates with these newfound obsessive-compulsive friends.
The mom wrote:
I could tell it meant a lot to her the other night to hear that someone she knows, and is successful and enjoying her career, and has remained faithful amidst all the doubts scrupulosity brings is living an abundant life. You are the first person she’s met that truly struggles as she does; someone who understands better than any councelor or psychologist or psychiatrist OR MOM WHO HAD READ EVERY BOOK SHE CAN GET HER HANDS ON TO HELP HER DAUGHTER.
It’s sad, but it’s also true. No one really gets an obsessive-compulsive like another obsessive-compulsive. I am so grateful for every opportunity I have to connect with someone else who GETS IT. We haved lived a nightmare together– while others only hear about it second-hand. OCs truly share a unique experience of pain, struggle, and attack.
I hope that these new OCs I’ve connected with will also one day share my story of victory. Please Jesus.
hearing your story on someone else’s lips
The week after OCD Awareness Week, I am going to be a part of a breakout chapel service at the university where I work. (I am employed by Northwestern College, the most wonderful Christian college in the world … as an alumnus, I’m a little biased. Ha!) I am going to be interviewed by one of the campus therapists, and I am just so eager to tell my story.
I think one of the most helpful things for OCs is to hear their own story on someone else’s lips.
It makes us feel less alone.
I remember my first conversation with another obsessive-compulsive. I was sitting on a dock underneath a sky of summer stars, and as we talked, it was like shrugging off a giant sheath that had separated me from everyone else. I was not alone; this person had the same experiences.
And when I read Kissing Doorknobs by Terri Spencer Hesser, it was like reading my own biography. It stole power from OCD, just reading that, because it showed me how not creative the disorder is … sure, it has a variety of manifestations, but at their core, they are really very similar.
And that is what I am hoping will happen for someone in the audience on October 17th. For that person to say, That sounds just like me! I am not an anomoly.
Keep Calm
I have never really been neutral about anything. I am an extremist, and I feel things in my bones.
I sometimes have a hard time seeing that the current situation will likely change soon. This is a burden given to me by obsessive-compulsive disorder. We OCs think things will always feel this way.
I am a writer. Creativity is like air to me.
All of these things combine, and you have me, this volatile, passionate artist whose highs are marvelous and whose lows are dark. When writing is not going well, I sometimes think it will NEVER go well again.
Years of this rollercoaster should have proved to me that things will level out again. I don’t have to rush every draft like a linebacker, don’t have to wrestle it into shape. I can relax, breathe deeply, set it aside for a (short) time, think and pray and carry on.
slavery and freedom
Last Thursday and Friday, I attended the Global Leadership Summit through a satellite site, and it was incredible. This was my second year attending, and both last year and this year were phenomenal. Essentially, the Willow Creek Association pulls together a knock-out faculty of world-class leaders to speak; it’s like being smacked upside the head (in incredible ways) each hour.
On Friday, Pranitha Timothy of International Justice Mission spoke about human trafficking and about her work with IJM to rescue many from slavery. It stirred my blood. It always does, to hear stories about slavery and freedom. I want my life to matter, want to do something important for the Kingdom. I could almost picture myself going into dangerous situations to pull children out of slavery and get them safely back into school.
On Saturday, I met with a college student whom I have known for about a year and a half, a young man who is living in his own personal OCD hell and is ready to break out of it by pursuing cognitive-behavioral therapy. We sat together, discussing OCD and how hard it was and how no one understands– but also CBT and how it can give him the tools to step from darkness into light. I told him that in just a short time, he could be free from OCD’s reign, and I realized …
I am an advocate for those in slavery seeking freedom.
I may not be rushing into workhouses to confront slave-owners or holding children in the midst of a chaotic rescue, but I am a CBT advocate, telling obsessive-compulsives over and over and over again that this is the way to freedom.
I still plan to support IJM financially (and you can too at http://www.ijm.org/give), but I realized that my personal rescue missions will look a little different.
JACKIE LEA SOMMERS 