Only my closest friends and family ever really knew what I was dealing with. I smiled a lot, was the class clown, told great stories, graduated summa cum laude. No one would have looked at me and guessed that I was drowning in depression, a slave to OCD, driven to certainty in unhealthy ways.
Try to hear what people aren’t saying. And have more discussions.
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My Darkest, Lowest Days
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How many times do I have to say that OCD is a joy-thief before I should realize: Oh. Hmm. You’re pretty happy right now. OCD will be along shortly to steal that away?
I should learn to brace myself.
On Friday, November 22, I announced on Facebook and on my blog that Harper Collins offered me a two-book deal. Shortly thereafter, amidst all the “likes” and congratulatory comments and joyful sharing, OCD came calling.
I spent the majority of the evening obsessing over future revisions.
I practiced ERP, walking myself through that lovely mantra of “it’s POSSIBLE, but it’s not LIKELY,” then discussing with a friend (asking for no reassurance), and also spending time in prayer.
Life, as I continue to learn, is risky, and the more I learn to embrace risk and uncertainty, the happier I am.
Which is why I flat-out refuse to flat-out refuse any revision suggestions. I will consider everything my wonderful editor suggests, knowing that God is in control and that Jill loves my characters too.
In this sense, I’m growing as an obsessive-compulsive in remission, an author, and as a person.
Jackie 1
OCD 0
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Uncertainty is the Key
Uncertainty
Taking Risks
Is that normal or weird?
I love to think about names, to generate names, to know their meanings and how they match up with a person’s personality.
My favorite names are rare but not necessarily unusual. For example, the main characters in my novel are West, Silas, and Laurel. No one can really argue that those names are “out there” (like Raven, Apple, Royale). But at the same time, they’re not ultra-common.
I especially love short names. One syllable, four letters = perfect. The main character of my new story is Penn.
And
I
love
it.
What are your favorite names? Why?
Related posts:
Character Names I Love
Nine Names
Random Facts about Me
I kicked off November in style by attending a Billy Collins poetry reading at the Pantages Theatre. My darling friend Elyse and I went to hear our beloved poet share his dry wit and perfect imagery and fascinating thoughts. I asked the man beside me, “Have you seen Billy Collins before?”
“Oh, no,” he said. “My wife and I are from Oregon, and we timed our visit to our son and daughter-in-law with Billy Collins’s visit here so we could see him. Have you?”
“This will be my third time,” I admitted. I didn’t mention that one of those times I actually met him and had him sign my copy of Questions about Angels. It reminded me once again just how grateful I am to live in the literary community of Minneapolis!
Some of my favorite friends and I went to an improv comedy show for my lovely friend Ashley’s birthday. The show was funny, but the best part was spending the entire evening with such amazing women.
I was invited to be part of a panel about sadness, anxiety, and depression at a local church. It was good to be able to share about OCD, ERP, and the stigma against mental illness that is so prevalent in the church (the church in general, not that church specifically, ha!).
My college writing instructor and author Judith Hougen has partnered with Ann Sorenson, a local filmmaker/instructor, and Luke Aleckson, an artist/instructor to pioneer the Emerging Artists Collective, a group of young Christian artists who will gather for sharing and discussions about issues related to faith and the artistic life. We had our pilot gathering this month, and it. was. wonderful. I really loved it, and I’ll be sharing about this in more depth soon on my blog.
And then, of course, the book deal. I am absolutely thrilled that Harper Collins made me a two-book offer! It’s still a bit surreal; I need to pinch myself. My dreams are coming true. I have been writing since I was in 2nd grade, though I don’t think I put my goal to “publish a book” in writing until high school. Joy. Elation. Disbelief. Wonder. All of these have been taking up residency in my chest.
November 2013 has been delicious.
What does self-care look like for you? For me, it means not replying to emails, taking long naps, and making zero plans. It looks like being a hermitty writer, tucked away from society, reading YA lit, and writing kissing scenes while listening to acoustic music. Chocolate is likely involved.
Related posts:
How to Care for the Obsessive-Compulsive in Your Life
Writing Retreat
Talk about random …
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Things That Make Life Easier for Readers
My Bookish Bad Habit
Review: The Scorpio Races
Why You Need to Read Melina Marchetta’s Books
ahhhh, e.e. cummings at his finest!
Flabbergasting.
I can remember my second year of college. OCD was digesting my brain matter. I was depressed. I was so stressed that I’d make my jaw hurt so bad I’d need to hold a warm washcloth to it just to relax it.
For a class assignment, I re-read this poem.
And I started to sob. It was that beautiful.
(You can read the entire thing here.)
Related posts:
i ♥ e.e. cummings
It’s true!
I have been bursting at the seams to announce this on my blog, but I didn’t think I should say anything until I signed the actual contract. But I emailed my agent and my editor tonight and asked if I should wait, and Jill Davis, my [already beloved] editor responded, “No need.”
First, the short story. Then, the long one.
Short story:
Two-book deal with Harper Collins. Yes, two books. That means they will publish Truest AND the next book I write! Jill Davis is my amazing editor, and she loves my novel, loves my characters. And I love her!
Long story:
Last week, Steven Chudney (my amazing, amazing literary agent) told me that Jill Davis with Harper Collins loved my story and would be presenting it to her boss. My friends and family and I were all praying that her boss (Katherine Tegen) and everyone else involved would also want to jump aboard the Truest ship. My friends who pray prayed, my friends who don’t pray aimed their positive energy toward NYC, and everyone kept their fingers crossed. All weekend, I kept thinking, I hope that they can’t stop thinking about my story.
Monday, no news.
Tuesday, no news.
Tuesday night, I journalled about it a little bit, first that they must have decided against it, since we hadn’t heard anything in the first couple of days. Then I thought, Well, actually, it’s only the middle of the week. Maybe we’ll hear something tomorrow.
Wednesday, Steven emailed me and asked me to call him.
Since I work in a cubicle (goodbye, privacy!), I bundled up in my winter coat and went out on the veranda and made the call.
I was shocked and amazed and thrilled and overjoyed when Steven told me that they made a TWO-book offer! I asked Steven what the next steps were, and he said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m buying myself a good dinner tonight! I suggest you get some champagne and celebrate!” LOL! He’s so great!
Jill and I talked on the phone today. She. is. AWESOME. She loves my story and my characters and told me, “You’re a DREAM.” I love her to pieces after just one 40-minute phone call.
So, when will Truest be published? Probably not until 2015. Sit tight and save your pennies!!!
Consistently, I …
* talk to people with mental illness who resist beginning treatment.
* hear from those who’ve gone through treatment who wish they’d sought help sooner.
I get frustrated with the first group, but then I remind myself that I used to be a long-time, card-carrying member. My college mentor encouraged me time and time again to just meet with a therapist at my school’s free counseling services center, and I balked and balked and balked.
I wish I hadn’t.
Today, I want to address four of the excuses I hear most often for avoiding treatment along with my best argument against them.
Too much money.
First of all, if you had a life-threatening disease, I can almost guarantee you that you’d find the means to get treatment. Mental illness are often life-threatening– not always in the sense of imminent death, but they reduce the quality of your life and deserve your reaction to their severity. There are prescription assistance programs, such as Partnership for Prescription Assistance or Walmart’s $4 prescriptions. More and more, I am seeing churches starting free or pay-what-you-can counseling sessions with highly-trained lay therapists. Obsessive-compulsives are able to do self-guided exposure and response prevention therapy from their own homes with helpful and inexpensive books like Stop Obsessing! or Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Too much fear.
I can absolutely relate to this. Some fear vocalizing their anxieties; some fear they will do so and be told there is no hope (in which case, it feels less scary to stay silent and hold onto the tiny thread that there may be a rescue coming). Some fear the treatment itself (I can very much understand this, as ERP, the preferred treatment for OCD, is a particularly challenging therapy that exposes obsessive-compulsives to their greatest fears).
Therapy for OCD was one of the scariest things I have ever had to do in my life. It was awful– but not as awful as daily life with OCD with no end in sight. Short of a miracle, your mental illness will probably not just go away on its own. Now is the time to declare war.
Too much pride.
A blog reader told me the other day that he was disconnected from reality, could hardly talk to his wife, and felt like the loneliest person on the planet– though too proud to see a therapist and admit there is something wrong.
This is so hard for me to understand– even though this used to be me! To me, it’s the equivalent of breaking your arm and then being too proud to get it set in a cast. What are you too proud of? That you are invincible? No one is, and you are fooling yourself if you think you are. Ignoring a real problem is nothing to be proud of. It’s like when you realize you took a wrong turn and are headed the wrong way. It makes far more sense to turn around than to continue on in the same wrong direction.
Too much doubt.
I have a friend whose life is crumbling right now, yet he refuses to get help because he doesn’t think therapy works. I want to shake him a little and say, “Look around you– what you are doing right now doesn’t work!” I know how easy it is to get trapped by indecision and by the feeling that no direction is a good one (that’s why I took one year off from my medication search), but in the end, you’re probably going to have to take some sort of step toward healing. Even if you take teensy-tiny baby-steps, that’s okay. Find a trusted friend and work out the best baby-step possible.
I know it is an expensive, scary, humbling, and doubtful enterprise– but please, please keep reaching out for help.
It’s usually smell, isn’t it? That mighty, mighty memory trigger. But, interestingly, for me, the biggest connectors I have are audiobooks and locations; that is, a story that I listened to will forever be tied to the location where I heard it.
* If I drive out to my friend Caitlin’s home, there is a place on the road that I can’t help but think of Going Bovine— and not only the book, but even a specific part.
* In the parking lot of the Super8 on 41st in Sioux Falls, I think of Perry and Aria from Under the Never Sky.
* Out by the DMV– not my usual one, but the special one where I have to get an updated MVR for work every year– I think of The Mortal Instruments.
* I think of Saving Francesca any time I drive out to Plymouth to meet my friend Elyse.
* If I even think of Watertown, South Dakota, I think not only of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, but also a specific part (highlight for spoiler: when Ron comes back and Hermione is so irate that Harry has to cast a shield charm between the two!).
It’s quite fascinating to me, honestly– I won’t even be thinking of a certain story at all, and then, like the flip of a switch, something about the location will trigger the memory of that story. It’s a little like unwittingly driving right into a story. And I quite love it.
Of course I do.
Which two things are tied together tightly in your mind?
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Sometimes the audiobooks are better.
Things That Make Life Easier for Readers
JACKIE LEA SOMMERS 