Tag Archives: real life

Hot Cocoa. Again. Please.

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I just need to blather for a while, friends. Got your hot cocoa? Good. Let’s go.

I got some tough feedback on my novel last week. And I fell apart. Temporarily. As in, for about half an hour. This is improvement, folks. It’s just hard– so hard– so unbelievably hard– to pour your soul into something and then have it found wanting. (Nevermind that I myself find the manuscript wanting. It’s an entirely different thing to hear someone else voice it.) I tried to hold it together. I tried not to cry. Then I figured, what the heck, and let myself. Then I couldn’t stop for a while. I had a couple minutes where I thought, I can’t do this. This isn’t the life for me. I’ve moved on from that dark place. For now.

What sucks is that there’s more (and worse) coming. Last week were the preliminary thoughts. Soon there will be the smack-down. I’ll probably cry again, probably consider abandoning the life of publication for a while. But I’ll also probably bounce back, revise like hell, and come out on the other side with something I’m proud of.

I read somewhere that writers have to have thin skin in order to write well but thick skin in order to publish. How do you have both? I know I wrote about compartmentalizing. I’m trying. I’m trying.

Star Wars was amazing. I’m so ready to be in the “safe zone” where I can talk through things without worrying about spoilers. Let’s just say that it was so refreshing to see a female lead like Rey. Daisy Ridley knocked it out of the park, and tonight I found myself tearing up over this article. (Warning: spoilers!)

I got the sweetest message from a reader on Instagram. truest messageMoments like this make the pain of publication so worthwhile. And notice that I said the pain of publication. I’m starting to separate things a little bit: the writing is a joy. The publication process is what’s so hard, I think. (And don’t get me wrong– I have an editor with a heart the size of the ocean. It’s not her. It’s me.) Even above where I wrote about “considering abandoning the life of publication”– I wouldn’t consider abandoning writing. I have to write. It’s my calling. I would feel so vacant if I wasn’t creating.

But publishing. Man, is it ever hard. At least, it is for me. I wonder if I will still feel this way after I can no longer count my books on one hand.

I’ve read four hard books in a row. About mental illness. Abortion and depression. The Holocaust. Losing the physical ability to pursue one’s dreams. I haven’t reviewed them all. I’m not sure that I will. I really like for my blog to be a place where I can really sing about the books I’ve loved. Not that I want to read fluff! I’m never really one for fluff. But maybe I need a little fluff. The last four books just pressed me deeper and deeper into the earth. I need a book to hold out a hand to me, pull me out of the hole. Any suggestions? These are the next ones on my radar, but I’d love to hear your suggestions.

next reads

It’s snowing in Minneapolis tonight. It’s not supposed to stop until 6 pm tomorrow. And I’m okay with it. For tonight. For this exact moment.

How are you, my friends?

 

 

If We Were Having Hot Cocoa

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Mine has a shot of coconut and one of almond: liquid Almond Joy. How about yours?hot cocoa.jpg

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you I’m so ready for 2015 to be over. The holidays stress me out, and most years I long for them to be behind me. I want to just curl up in my bed and wake up on January 1. But that’s not how life works, at least for this girl. How are you feeling about Christmas and New Years?

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you it’s getting cold in Minnesota. I only noticed it on Friday, actually. It’s been so ridiculously nice (thanks, El Nino!) that I sometimes feel like, “We’re not in Minnesota anymore, Toto,” but on Friday, there was such a crisp, deep freeze in the air. It made me feel depressed. I wonder if, when I’m older, I’ll be the kind of person who winters in a warmer place. So many of my friends love Minnesota’s four seasons, love the snow, even love the cold … but I can’t seem to share in that joy. Especially when I consider that– technically— winter hasn’t even started yet. What’s the weather like where you’re from?

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you that I’m surprised by [highlight for Truest spoiler] how many people think West cheated on Elliot by kissing Silas. I guess I never thought of it that way. And I even consider [cheating] one of the things I also dislike in books! I’ve been wowed by how many reviewers bring it up. Sigh.

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you that I have some exciting opportunities on the horizon. Unfortunately, that’s all I can say about that. But if you’re the praying sort of person, you could certainly pray about this for me!

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you my thoughts about compartmentalization are changing. Growing up (and especially growing up in an evangelical culture), I was always told that compartmentalization was wrong. I needed to be fully who I was at all times. It had to do with integrity, I think. Last Tuesday, the Fearless Fifteeners did a #15eradvice session on Twitter (if you have a book coming out, go look it up– lots of great stuff there!), and one thing that Victoria Aveyard, author of Red Queen, posted really resonated with me:

Compartmentalization as a healthy coping mechanism. I wanna try. What do you think about this– can you compartmentalize in a healthy way?

If we were having hot cocoa, I’d tell you how much hope I have for 2016. I have a good set of realistic goals in place, along with a realistic plan for achieving them; I have new opportunities arising; I have finishing Yes Novel on the horizon and figuring out what I want to tackle next. What are you excited about in 2016, friend?

Vulnerability

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Broken light bulb on shiny surfaceI have a friend right now who is– after many years of avoiding– finally getting help for her OCD. It’s been a journey even to summon the courage to get a diagnosis, and I’m so terribly proud of her.

One thing my friend said to me was that she was afraid to admit to people that she was broken … and that that would be the only way they’d see her from then on.

I turned the tables on her, asking, “Is that how you see me? Forever broken?”

She said, “Of course not. Quite the opposite– I’ve always admired (and envied) your strength!”

The truth of the matter is that we’re all broken. But– in my life– every time I have ponied up and shared my vulnerabilities with others, I have been met with love. I have literally had friends tell me, after I’ve confessed my struggles, “This makes me love you even more.”

If you’re like me, you’re a bit (or more) repulsed by people who “are perfect.” How in the world can they possibly understand my life? Won’t they judge me? It has to be an act, right?

I’m drawn to the real, the genuine, the honest, broken authenticity that comes when people vulnerably acknowledge their brokenness.

My own brokenness has been met, time and time again, with grace that is more precious to me than saving face.

I hope that will be your experience too.

Bed Feng Shui

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BRASS COMPASSI know you’re going to think I’m kidding, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t sleep well if my bed is aligned east-west.

My first experience of this was in high school. My sister and I shared a room for most of our childhood, and both of our beds had the headboard pointing north. Our room was small-ish. There weren’t a lot of ways to arrange it. Still, we made a crazy switch in high school (a terrible switch that HGTV would have murdered us for) and realigned the beds. One headboard faced east and one west.

I had nightmares every night for a week– then we changed the room back.

Over the years, I started to learn this about myself. When I would move into a new place, the first thing I would check in a room would be to make sure that I could align my bed the right way.

Back in June of 2012, I took a writing retreat to Wisconsin. I was six months into writing the book that would become Truest, though at that point, it was still a year away from being finished. I stayed outside of Hudson in a little apartment, and I. slept. HORRIBLY. Just awful. Every night. After a couple nights of this, it suddenly occurred to me, “Maybe this bed is east-west.” I was in an unfamiliar place and couldn’t figure out my directions, so I looked it up on Google Maps, figured out my location, and … east-west.

Last month, I stayed in Duluth to write. I noticed immediately that my bed was east-west. Sure enough: the first two nights, I slept terribly. Eventually, my poor sleep caught up with me and I was able to konk out the last couple nights.

I know it sounds crazy, but actually, some people (including me) think there’s really something to it. Apparently it has to do with the earth’s magnetic fields. If you google it, you’ll find a bunch of articles.

Check out this one:

Scientists have long suspected that humans like many other animal species have an innate magnetic compass, but have been unsure as to how this affects us. The new research shows that some mammal species always graze and sleep facing north or south and that the earth’s magnetic field is probably polarizing and causing his.

Following this, further studies have suggested that humans who sleep in an East-West position have far shorter rapid eye movement or REM sleep cycles, in which dreams occur, compared with North-South sleepers who got more REM sleep.

Life. It’s weird, huh?

P.S. Bet you all stop now to think what direction you sleep!

Dear Diary: January 2015

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dd jan 2015 2Today is my spiritual birthday! Nineteen years ago, I made the best decision of my life and signed everything over to Jesus. It’s been a wild journey with him ever since!

This month has been packed to the gills. I celebrated the new year with my best friend Eir, I watched Truest start cropping up for pre-order on online bookstores all over, I turned 33 and didn’t have a third-of-a-century crisis in any way.

I spent close to a week up in Duluth on a writing retreat, where I hammered out 10k words in three days. I’m absolutely thrilled about my work in progress! The characters are gripping my heart, making me laugh, making me cry. And the best thing is that I’ve been absolutely LOVING the writing process lately. 2014 was a bit harrowing, and– truth be told– there were many stretches where I didn’t feel like I was enjoying writing anymore. Over and over, I’d ask myself, “Is this still what you want?” Sometimes I’d have to really think about it, but my answer always was yes. And now: to enjoy it again? Delicious. Hard, hard work. But good work.

Some exciting things are coming up for me! I’ll be reviewing my galleys soon, making last-minute changes and corrections to the manuscript, and the cover will be revealed next month! I’ve been so eager to show the world– I hope you’ll all love it as much as I do!

My One Word: Grace

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At myoneword.org, readers are encouraged to ditch the long list of new year’s resolutions and instead choose one word to focus on all year long, one word to inspire you, one word that encapsulates the character you want to have.

I’ve chosen grace.

one word grace

There are so many reasons:

1) I need so much grace from God.  Every single day.

2) I need to give myself grace.  I’m a perfectionist, and I can be very hard on myself.  This year, I want to give myself more grace.  This is not the same thing as allowing myself to slack off.  Instead, it’s practicing kindness and generosity toward myself, especially in my writing.

3) I desperately want to grow in extending grace to others.  I have been shown such an abundance of undeserved favor; I want to turn that around and show that to others.

2014, I hope and pray, will be a year full of black and white and also so many shades of gray, which help me to be more gracious, to value mercy from others and offer it freely, and to wield generosity as best as I can.

 

 

Original image from weheartit.com, edited at picmonkey.com.

Recruiter Rant

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There’s this trend with teenagers right now that I don’t like.  They can’t answer questions without their parents’ help.  Now, I’m not talking, How do you plan to pay for college? or What special accommodations might you need?

I’m talking, What do you like to do for fun?

Come on, guys.  You can answer that question on your own.  It’s the easiest one in the book– and there’s not even a wrong answer!  The only wrong answer is you not having enough boldness and social grace to speak up and share your opinion!

I think that all teenagers should go to college visits prepared with the following:

* Three (or more!) specific questions they have about the school
* A list of other schools they are interested in
* A short list of what they are looking for in a college (big/small, public/private, certain majors, urban/suburban, etc.)
* What they are involved with (at school, home, church, community)
* What things they enjoy (sports, movies, reading, writing, shopping, art)

Interestingly, most of these questions should be easy to answer and shouldn’t require forethought or planning.

You want your college recruiter on your side– especially when it comes to admittance and scholarships!  Put your best foot forward and be ready to answer the most basic of questions.  Remember: you’re not just checking out my school.  I am also evaluating your fit with our community!

Prospective students and parents, take note!

recruiter

 

I’m an unmarried adult.

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I don’t have a husband.  Or even a boyfriend.

But I am an adult.  I’m thirty-one.  I have a full-time job.  I pay rent, buy my own gas and groceries (and everything else).  I am emotionally mature.  I make my own choices.

So why have I heard twice recently that marriage makes someone an adult?

First a coworker said to Matt (the groom), “You’re getting married!  That’s awesome.  Welcome to adulthood, buddy!”

And someone at the wedding said tearfully of Des (the bride), “Wow, I can’t believe she is finally an adult!”

I was offended both times.  Marriage is not a magical door to the land of Adulthood.

So what do you think: am I too sensitive or do people speak too thoughtlessly?

adulthood

On My Mind (& a small request)

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onmymindRecent thoughts from yours truly:

* Sometimes depression feels so very close.  It sneaks up on me.  I blink once and its arms are wrapped around me, tight, suffocating, relentless, strong.  How strong am I really?

* I used to be an extrovert.  Now I’m an introvert.  (Granted, the world’s most outgoing introvert.)  I feel grateful for all the friends and families who made that transition with me.  It was a wide, wide swing, and they hung in there with me.

* Who even reads this blog?  Would you (for me) take the extra effort to leave a comment with:

1. Your name (mine is the name of this website)
2. Where you’re from (me: Kimball/Mpls, MN)
3. Your happiness-in-a-pinch fix (me: Barnes & Noble giftcard, an encouraging email, the smell of lilacs or crabapple trees or any other devastating floral scent)
4. A moment/memory of becoming yourself (me: when I realized that I don’t have to take every piece of writing advice)
5. What you’re most looking forward to in the next year (me: VCFA!)

(I stole these questions from Antonia.)