Evaluate your ERP Therapy

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Spot-on!!!

Janet (ocdtalk)'s avatarocdtalk

by stuart miles freedigitalphotos.net by stuart miles freedigitalphotos.net

I believe one of the most difficult aspects of obsessive-compulsive disorder is finding the right treatment. Evidence-based exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the first-line treatment for the disorder, and it works. Yet so many people, including therapists, have never even heard of ERP. I am doing my best, along with other advocates for OCD awareness, to spread the word.

But knowing that ERP therapy is what you need is only half the battle. The other half is finding a good therapist who is properly trained in ERP and really knows how to utilize it correctly. Imagine thinking you are getting good ERP therapy when in actuality you’re not. You wonder why you’re not getting better; after all, ERP is supposed to work. Maybe you’re even feeling worse. You worry that your OCD is not treatable. After all…

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The Dreadful O of OCD

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Reminder!

Jackie Lea Sommers's avatarJACKIE LEA SOMMERS

My friend Janet over at OCDtalk recently blogged about how, so often, all people know of obsessive-compulsive disorder are the visible compulsions, as opposed to the invisible obsessions.  And back in November, The Atlantic also posted about the debilitating nature of obsessions.

As I’ve said before, “If it doesn’t hurt, it’s not OCD.”

OCD begins with obsessions.  Compulsions are actually just a monstrous side effect of OCD.

Source: deviantART "Torture" by eWKn Source: deviantART
“Torture” by eWKn

Compulsive hand-washing is hard to hide.  Hoarding, definitely.  Even repetitive reassurance-seeking and confession (compulsions of choice for a Pure-O) are easy to notice once someone points it out to you.

But it’s harder to see the obsessions that are driving them.

Imagine the deep horror of constantly imagining you’ll hurt someone you love.  Or the intense mind-screw of questioning a part of your identity that you’ve always gripped tightly.  Or feeling as guilty as a rapist, a…

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Review: The Wrath and the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh

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wrath and dawnThis book.

This book.

THIS. BOOK.

This is my favorite book I’ve read so far this year. I require you all read it.

What’s it about? Here’s the official description:

Every dawn brings horror to a different family in a land ruled by a killer. Khalid, the eighteen-year-old Caliph of Khorasan, takes a new bride each night only to have her executed at sunrise. So it is a suspicious surprise when sixteen-year-old Shahrzad volunteers to marry Khalid. But she does so with a clever plan to stay alive and exact revenge on the Caliph for the murder of her best friend and countless other girls. Shazi’s wit and will get her through to the dawn that no others have seen, but with a catch . . . she’s falling in love with the very boy who killed her dearest friend.

She discovers that the murderous boy-king is not all that he seems and neither are the deaths of so many girls. Shazi is determined to uncover the reason for the murders and break the cycle once and for all.

As you may have perceived, it’s a re-telling of “1001 Nights.”

I’m still having a book hangover from this story, and I finished it days ago. The characters are what did it for me. Shazi is bright, sharp as a tack, incredible. I loved her to pieces. Sometimes she acts thoroughly like the 16-year-old she is– and sometimes so very, very much older (she is, after all, a wife, which we don’t see that often in YA). Khalid is … breathtaking. A tortured soul, a young man full of respect for his wife and with the weight of the kingdom on his shoulders. He has skyrocketed to being one of my absolute favorite book boyfriends.

I’ll leave you with this gem.

“What are you doing to me, you plague of a girl?” he whispered.

“If I’m a plague, then you should keep your distance, unless you plan on being destroyed.” The weapons still in her grasp, she shoved against his chest.

“No.” His hands dropped to her waist. “Destroy me.”

Today’s Surprise: the Anxiety/Depression Test Scores of the Blogger

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So, this is interesting.

My therapist switched to a new practice, so even though I’ve been meeting with her for around a year, I had to fill out all new intake forms for the new place, including taking the Burns Anxiety Inventory and the Burns Depression Checklist.

How’d I score?

Anxiety: 41. This puts me in the “severe anxiety” category (31-50), which surprised me. I definitely thought I’d be lower than that since I’m handling anxiety about a hundred times better than this time last year. That said, last year, I would have certainly fallen into the “extreme anxiety or panic” category (51-99). Do you remember when I was having multiple panic attacks* a week? I’m so grateful to have moved on from that. I should be getting my revision feedback from my editor on book #2 any day now, and I pray it won’t spike! I’ve learned a lot of good tools in the past year!

*I never knew if this was strictly what they were, but panic is what I was feeling, and it manifested itself in very physical ways. Is that a panic attack?

anxiety scores

Depression: 21. This puts me just barely into the “moderate depression” category (21-30), one point away from “mild depression.” I was kind of surprised this wasn’t lower too! I can’t tell you how much mentally healthier I am than during the days when OCD ruled the roost.

Themes that emerged were my fears of criticism and disapproval, concerns about inadequacy and inferiority.

My co-worker said she was fascinated. “Here you have done so much– written a book— and yet you worry so much about inadequacy!” It’s true. It’s a thorn in my side. I need to learn to compete against myself and not others (cough, cough, my writer’s envy), but I don’t know how. Something to talk about with my therapist, once I start meeting with at the new place, I guess!

My co-worker also said, “You have these fears, but you don’t let them stop you.”

“Most of the time,” I stipulated.

It’s true. I am scared a lot, but courage is fear that keeps showing up to work.

So, while the test scores were surprising to me, I can work with them. God can work with them. He has and will.

Dear Diary: May 2015

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two stacked Polaroid retro frames on wood texture

I knew that April and May were going to be among the hardest months of my life, but still: living them has tested me.

I bought my house at the end of April; immediately, we started fixing it up, painting, cleaning, etc., preparing for new floors and new construction. The new carpet went in upstairs. The new wood floor went in on the main floor. The renovations began on the basement. Then I moved in.

It. is. a. mess.

The living room has all of the furniture and boxes crammed into half of the room so that the contractor has room to work on the walls on the other side. We can’t unpack, so we live mostly upstairs in our bedrooms (which, to be honest, my bedroom looks AMAZING). But it’s still tough. But it’s coming along. Slowly but surely. Monday the living room walls will be finished, and we can finally “move in.” I can’t wait.

My editor keeps apologizing to me that she hasn’t sent my editorial letter yet for Mill City Heroes, but I’m actually relieved and grateful for the rest and reprieve! If I had her revisions back right now, I think my stress would go through the roof. And my new house has such a nice, new roof. LOL.

I also taught a class this month on querying. It went SO WELL. I’m very pleased with the feedback!

So, I’m plodding away. Day by day. I love the new house and I can clearly see its potential, and that carries me. Also, I’m nervous about revisions to MCH, but not panicked. So far. I hope that holds. I hope I have learned a lot from the last year of therapy!

I miss blogging and am going to be re-entering that world in June. I can’t wait till this house is done so I can show you all pictures!

Everyone leave me an encouraging comment. I could sure use them.

Sorry this post was so scattered. That’s my life these days.

(More) Truest Around the Web!

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Great review from Brooks Editorial here! “You guys, this book ripped me apart. (In good ways, like all the best books do.)” 

The view from Goodreads:

“Beautifully written and intriguing! Westlin’s story was one I couldn’t put down and didn’t want to end. And, Silas Hart just might be the most enigmatic and enchanting book boy since Augustus Waters.”

“Beyond her beautiful characters and amusing dialogue, Sommers’ story is relevant and raw in the best possible way. Sommers embraces some of life’s greatest and most difficult questions with untold grace and poise.”

“Truest is not your average teenage love story, it’s so much more. Both thought provoking and amusing, Silas and West will take you through a summer filled with crazy antics, friendship, love, sorrow, forgiveness, and growth. Don’t miss this wonderful trip to Green Lake.”

“If love and pain are two sides of the same coin, Truest is the mint. Sommers perfectly & precariously balances the two with masterful storytelling, rich symbolism, and gutwrenching honesty.”

“It was romantic, sad, moving, hopeful, and haunting all in one.”

“The characters are repeatable, dynamic, and make you want to move to Green Lake to discuss faith, love, and loss with your new friends.”

Truest 3d jpg

There’s No Good Time To Move, Is There?

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Moving is always going to be a hassle, an interruption, an inconvenience. I’m trying to remind myself of that.

Of course, moving into a home that is still being renovated is a whole new level of hell.

But no. The truth is that I’ve been through hell, and this isn’t even close. Perspective, Jackie.

How are you, friends? I’ve missed you guys this month. Tell me what you’re looking forward to this summer!

Thoughts on Freedom of Various Kinds

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I moved yesterday. All went quite well.

I first moved into my old apartment in 2008, right as I started to write Lights All Around, my first novel. Those walls have seen so much, including complete and utter breakdowns, my experience with ERP therapy, the writing of Truest, and the writing of first drafts of two other novels. (Whoa– I wrote four novels in seven years? Sheesh. Had not thought of it like that before.)

The new house is still undergoing renovations, and it’s all a big old mess, but it’s my mess that I own, and I love it. I can see its potential so clearly, and I’m so happy.

Moving means packing and unpacking, and that means finding a million lost things in the dark corners. I’ve found so many things– journals, stories, etc.– that show so clearly the pain of and enslavement to my OCD. Today I read a journal entry dated 2006 that said something to the effect of, “I am still the pot who asks the Potter, ‘Why did you make me this way?’ I wonder if I will ever know. I wonder if I will ever experience freedom.”

I want to tell that girl, Two more years. Hold on.

Of course, that’s my past. I know so much more now, nine years after that journal entry was written. I have joy and freedom and a book deal with HarperCollins. I did the hard work of ERP therapy and reaped all the benefits of it– a whole different life. So, I don’t need to say that to my past self; instead, I will say it to you, you who are enslaved to your own obsessive-compulsive thoughts, who are lost and in slavery to OCD, who wonder if there is a point to it all or if you will ever see the light again:

Hold on. There is freedom available. Hope. Joy. Light. You can learn about ERP therapy here. I pray it will be the key that unlocks your prison, just as it unlocked mine in 2008. Today I find purpose in my past of OCD; I find happiness in daily life; I find freedom– or freedom has found me. Thank you, God.

How fitting to be reminded of my freedom on Memorial Day weekend. I am grateful, so grateful, for every freedom. I remember.