audience, revisited

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I know that I’ve blogged recently about whom I write for, but I was thinking about that more this past weekend, as I was reading Alan Jacobs’s book The Narnian, a biography of C.S. Lewis’s creative life, and I had additional thoughts … or maybe questions.

If they won’t write the kind of books we want to read, we shall have to write them ourselves; but it is very laborious.  C.S. Lewis to J.R.R. Tolkien

Now, I am certainly not saying that there are no books being written that I want to read (hello, I am practically panting for Marchetta’s new book to arrive in the mail!), but this does bring up the question for me of whether it is okay to write for oneself or if it is more noble to write for others.

What I am trying to do right now with Truest is to write the kind of story that I would like to read.  Is that a selfish way to write?  Is that even a smart way to write?  It’s not that I am not taking any criticism … I just keep my list of whom to please in my mind (#1 God, #2 me, #3 John Green).  (Man, it makes me laugh every time I post that list … John Green.  Oh gosh.  I wonder if he will ever know how influencial he has been on the writing of Truest.)

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” —Cyril Connolly

Anyway, blog world, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

 

Top 10 Literary Boyfriends

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Oh, come on, be honest now … if you’re a reader, you have them too. 🙂

10. Marco Alisdair from The Night Circus | A handsome young magician with creativity exploding out of him?  Yes please.  “What did you wish for?” Bailey asks. Marco leans forward and whispers in Bailey’s ear. “I wished for her.”

9. Will Trombal from Saving Francesca | Confused, sweet, smart, willing-to-be-humbled student leader at an Aussie high school, eventually Will figured out just what he wanted.  “Do you think people have noticed that I’m around?”
“I notice when you’re not. Does that count?”

8. Jace Wayland/Morgenstern/Herondale/Lightwood from The Mortal Instruments series | You know, I wouldn’t mind having a stunningly gorgeous boyfriend who was acerbically hilarious and could kick anyone’s ass, even if he was conceited as all get-out.  Too bad something is always going majorly wrong with his world.  “Not everything is about you,” Clary said furiously.  “Possibly,” Jace said, “but you do have to admit that the majority of things are.”

7. Joe Fontaine from The Sky is Everywhere | His smile alone completely won me over.  Joe is sincerely and deeply in love with life.  “And then he smiles, and in all the places around the globe where it’s night, day breaks.”

6. Prince Char from Ella Enchanted | He is so real, so sincere, so sweet, so honest, so straightforward: “That’s funny, you’re funny. I like you, I’m quite taken by you.”

5. Finnikin from Finnikin of the Rock | Once he realizes what he truly wants, he is a die-hard.  His loyalty and dedication won over my heart.  “This hand says you spend the rest of your life with me,” he said, holding out his left hand, “and this one says I spend the rest of my life with you. Choose.”

4. Max Vandenburg from The Book Thief | Okay, so I don’t think readers are supposed to fall for Max, but I couldn’t help it.  He writes books for her.  Swoon.  ‘Such a brilliant German day and its attentive crowd. He let his mouth kiss her palm. “Yes, Liesel, it’s me,” and he held the girl’s hand in his face and cried onto her fingers.’

3. Jonah Griggs from Jellicoe Road | A young, passionate cadet who will fight with you but also do anything to defend you, Griggs is one of my all-time favorite literary boyfriends!  He’s hilarious and smart and hot and cares so deeply, even though he keeps up a tough facade.  “I think it would cause a riot.”  “Well, you know me,” he says, lowering his head towards me. “Causing a riot is what I do best.”

2. Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables series | Gilbert is one of the most wonderful men ever written about, period.  From the time he was about thirteen, he has wanted one thing: Anne Shirley’s love.  He is most girls’ idea of “the perfect man,” one who waited for her for years.  He’s so funny and SMART and sweet and handsome.  Love him.  “Gilbert wisely said nothing more; but in his silence he read the history of the next four years in the light of Anne’s remembered blush. Four years of earnest, happy work … and then the guerdon of a useful knowledge gained and a sweet heart won.”

1. Augustus Waters of The Fault in Our Stars | I just cannot get over this guy.  He’s smart, hilarious, gorgeous, a deep thinker, a reader, intense and honest and fun.  “Oh, I wouldn’t mind, Hazel Grace.  It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

Honorable mentions:
Ron Weasley of Harry Potter series
Cal Trask of East of Eden
Dickon of The Secret Garden

How about you– who are your favorite literary boyfriends?

books books books

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Just finished …

When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead | Brilliant!  This is a children’s book, meant for younger ages than the books I usually read, but it was absolutely incredible.  This is the story about Miranda, a young girl in New York City, who starts receiving mysterious notes from an unknown sender, asking her to “write out the whole story, from beginning to end.”  She is, of course, confused, but after a cast of wonderful characters are introduced, everything begins to fall into place.  I actually shouted aloud the moment that everything finally clicked into place for me– I was that excited.  Absolutely loved it.

Where Things Come Back by John Corey Whaley | Another Printz winner, so I had high expectations.  The writing was good, and it had two storylines that merge into one (a device I am rather fond of).  It also was very interesting, especially all the writing about the Book of Enoch, but in the end, the book didn’t wholly touch me.  Whaley didn’t make me love the characters quite enough to care enough.  I wanted to love this one; I really did.  One story is about Cullen Witter, his small town that is going crazy over an extinct woodpecker who has supposedly been seen again in their community, and the disappearance of his younger brother Gabriel.  The other story begins with a young missionary on his first mission.  Seems right up my alley, doesn’t it?  I didn’t hate this book, but it just didn’t go far enough to truly capture me.

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness | Oh man.  So good.  I wept.  This is a fascinating story about Conor, whose mother is dying of cancer, and about the yew tree in the churchyard out of their window.  In the evenings, the tree walks and talks to Conor, telling him stories and demanding one from him, all as he deals with the emotions of his mother’s slow fade.  So real, so raw, so dark, so clever.  A must-read.

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine | I found myself easily sucked into this re-telling of Cinderella, even though I think that Levine needed a couple more drafts of the manuscript (how pretentious am *I*?  wow.).  Still, a sweet story for children.  Ella was blessed/cursed at birth with the need to obey all orders … as she grows up and falls in love, she seeks a way to end the spell that binds her, and this is the story of what happens.  I honestly did find myself rather heartbroken as I read this story … I applaud Levine for that!

Going Bovine by Libba Bray | This book started out INCREDIBLE and hilarious and interesting– Cameron, a teenaged slacker, is diagnosed with the human equivalent of mad cow disease, which essentially eats holes in your brain, making it like a sponge.  The descriptions were fantastic and dead-on and intense.  And then Cameron starts drifting out of reality and in his unconscious state, he goes on this completely bizarre roadtrip with a dwarf and a yard gnome, guided by a punk angel in torn fishnets.  In a lot of ways, I suppose I have to give Libba Bray credit, since it did seem very dream-like.  The problem was that I was just not incredibly interested– and it went on far too long.  Outside of Narnia, I’m not a huge fan of big quests in books.  This just got too wacky and too long for me.  I finished it though because I was so won over in the first part of the book by Bray’s phenomenal writing.

City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare | Okay, so this is book #5 of the Mortal Instruments series, and it’s (obviously) safe to say I’m hooked.  I am writing this mini-review at 1:25am, having just finished it.  I don’t know how Cassie Clare keeps doing it, but she just introduces such heartbreaking plot elements in every novel.  I feel like I can’t truly review this book without any spoilers, since there are four other books before it, all filled with twists and turns and secrets revealed.  I will say that I am PUMPED for the sixth and final book of this series … which I just looked up and discovered is not coming out until March 2014.  Two-thousand-freakin’-fourteen.  You have got to be kidding me.  Speechless.  (I don’t know how Potter fans did it … I didn’t start the series till Hallows was released.)  Well, I guess it’s time for bed.

Currently reading …
The Narnian by Alan Jacobs, all about the life and creativity of C.S. Lewis, my favorite

En route to my mailbox …
The Casual Vacancy by Jo Rowling
Quintana of Charyn by Melina Marchetta

So. Freakin’. Pumped.

end of an era

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Last week, I ventured to the Fairview Medical Center at the University of Minnesota to see my beloved psychiatrist Dr. Suck Won Kim for the last time before his retirement.  Dr. Kim is a skinny Korean man with salt-and-pepper eyebrows and sharply combed hair.  I met him first in 2008 when, after years of failed prescriptions, my old psychiatrist essentially threw in the towel and referred me to Dr. Kim, a national expert on OCD who has seen over 3,000 OCD patients.

The first time I met with Dr. Kim, he asked me about what meds I had tried.  And when I had told him, he resolutely said, “No more of that.  You are done with that.”  And he started me on Effexor XR, which I am on to this very day.  Dr. Kim spoke with such confidence that I had felt confident.  I remember thinking, I think this might actually work this time.

But Dr. Kim wasn’t done after he wrote out the prescription.  He turned to me and said, “Cognitive-behavioral therapy.  Tell me, have you heard of it?”

I had.  Horror stories.

“It’s the best treatment there is for OCD.  I’d like you to call Chris Donahue and get an appointment.”

“Okay.”

“It will be hell,” said Dr. Kim, telling me what to expect.

And it was– but it set me free from the reign of OCD.  And that is why I was feeling sentimental as I sat in the office of this OCD genius for the last time, feeling cheesy but needing to tell him that he was one of my heroes.

Damned if I do; damned if I don’t.

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What happens if you write a book that is too Christian for a secular publisher and too secular for a Christian publisher?

God, I want to write a book that honors You, boldly declares Your Name, is NOT preachy, but is CLEAR on the gospel.  And also is realistic and full of grotesque life.  I feel burdened tonight, but I KNOW that YOU will find a place for it if YOU want to.  I just want to write the book that You want me to write.  Point me to YOUR edits above all others’.  I just want to please everyone, and I need to QUIT THAT.  I need to return to my list.  #1 You, #2 me, #3 JG.  Remind me of this list.  This is the list I should have in the back of my mind as I make edits, as I rewrite.
God, I feel emotionally drained by West and Silas and Laurel.  But it feels GOOD, in a way.  Good, if I can point to You in dark times.  Why would I want to write a story that didn’t point to You?  Please help me, Jesus.  Will You please make the road rise up before me?
I love You.  I need Your help in EVERYTHING.  Amen.
And so I am just trying to write the very best book I can and to trust God to divinely intervene all he wants. 

manic writer

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I had lunch with my friend Brittane this week.  Brittane is tall and gorgeous and insightful and full of God’s strength.  She has her degree in psychology, and she has this perfect way of asking questions so that you almost feel like you’re getting free therapy while you hang out with her.  She’s a delight.

I was telling Brittane about the rollercoaster I can’t seem to get off … the high highs, the low lows, the sudden switches.  “I don’t mean to be blaise about this, since I hate when people are like, ‘I’m so OCD,’ but sometimes I wonder if I am manic depressive.”

Brittane, in her perfect way, nodded, listened, asked questions, offered insight until we stumbled upon one important fact: these days, my rollercoaster is only about my writing life.  Since my writing life is SO important to me, I wasn’t seeing the forest for the trees.  It felt important, like a hand-hold.  “Maybe it’s just what the writing life is like,” I said.  “It’s just a continual up-and-down.”

If it is, I’m on the rollercoaster for good.

Back in the office that afternoon, I read a quote on Donald Miller’s blog that fit so perfectly with our conversation.  It read:

To write is to struggle with your sanity, at times. And there will be bad days and you will feel defeated. This work is more difficult than climbing a mountain because you are doing it in the dark. I want to urge you to keep going. You matter and your words matter. By writing, you are saying to God I agree with you, you gave me a voice and the gift was not in vain. By writing, you are showing up on the stage of life rather than sitting in the comfortable theater seats (there is a time for both) and are casting your voice out toward an audience who is looking for a character to identify with, somebody to guide them through their own loneliness, no matter how transparent or hidden that loneliness is.

It was just what I needed to hear in that moment.  I will continue to write, to ride this rollercoaster, because I agree with God, that he gave me a voice and the gift was not in vain.

 

feels like another life

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Date: Wed, 27 September 2007
From: Jackie
To: Eir

please pray for me, honey.

i’m nervous again that i’m not saved. or that i did something in the wrong order.

it feels silly to me, but also serious, if that makes sense.

i need to relax.  any Truth you want to speak to me would be great and welcomed.

love you muchly,
jackie lea

 

From: Eir
Sent: Wed 3/28/2007 12:13 AM
To: Sommers, Jackie L

honey,   “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   LORD GOD! I thank You that You are a God who is DETERMINED and that salvation is YOUR doing, not ours. Please help Jackie to rest in Your character, God! We can NOT do anything to make you not look at us and still want us to belong to You.   I love you, jls! I see SO MUCH spiritual fruit in your life! I believe FOR you that you are saved and belong to a God who has chosen you as HIS and transformed you.   GOODNIGHT!

Medical or Spiritual?

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Discovered a website this weekend that is very disturbing to me as a Christian obsessive-compulsive.

At GreatBibleStudy.com, you can read quotes like the following:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly referred to as OCD, is not a mental disorder or disease… it is a spiritually rooted bondage in the person’s mind that needs to be uprooted.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is basically demonic torment brought on by a person’s bondages to fear and shame.

These ‘voices’ or compulsive thoughts are NOT caused because of a chemical imbalance (which the secular world cannot explain anyways); they are there because of a spiritual bondage in the person’s life.

Now, don’t get me wrong!  I believe that obsessive-compulsive disorder has entered into this world due to SIN, yes, but to negate that OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance seems ridiculous to me.  As a Christian, I view ALL of life through a spiritual lens, but these quotes seem like the equivalent of saying, “Diabetes is not a problem with the pancreas– it’s a spiritual issue!!!”  To say that diabetes is not connected to the pancreas’s inability to produce insuliin would be silly, just as saying that OCD is not connected to a chemical inbalance (our bodies absorb serotonin too quickly … that’s why we take SSRIs [selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors … they SLOW DOWN the reuptake/reabsorbtion of serotonin]).

All issues are spiritual issues, but that does not mean that they are NOT also medical issues.  God is also the Author of Science and the Creator of our bodies.  To not combine the spiritual with the scientific is short-sighted, I believe.

What are your thoughts on these quotes?  I’d especially love to hear from obsessive-compulsive believers!

This is a repost of an earlier entry.

writer’s envy

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I have it pretty bad.  It’s the dichotomy of being a writer who reads great literature– it is feeding your work but also fueling your envy and self-loathing.

At least, this is true for me.

So, my question is how do you turn envy into motivation?

Bonus points: how many of these (my favorite writers) can you identify?