feels like another life

Date: Wed, 27 September 2007
From: Jackie
To: Eir

please pray for me, honey.

i’m nervous again that i’m not saved. or that i did something in the wrong order.

it feels silly to me, but also serious, if that makes sense.

i need to relax.  any Truth you want to speak to me would be great and welcomed.

love you muchly,
jackie lea

 

From: Eir
Sent: Wed 3/28/2007 12:13 AM
To: Sommers, Jackie L

honey,   “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   LORD GOD! I thank You that You are a God who is DETERMINED and that salvation is YOUR doing, not ours. Please help Jackie to rest in Your character, God! We can NOT do anything to make you not look at us and still want us to belong to You.   I love you, jls! I see SO MUCH spiritual fruit in your life! I believe FOR you that you are saved and belong to a God who has chosen you as HIS and transformed you.   GOODNIGHT!

writer’s envy

I have it pretty bad.  It’s the dichotomy of being a writer who reads great literature– it is feeding your work but also fueling your envy and self-loathing.

At least, this is true for me.

So, my question is how do you turn envy into motivation?

Bonus points: how many of these (my favorite writers) can you identify?

permission to NOT write

Last week I had coffee with Stacey, a fresh college grad and newlywed.  She has a degree in English from my alma mater, and we talked about how she hasn’t had any energy to write lately.  Faced with student loans for an English degree, she feels like she should be writing, but she is just so completely burnt out from her senior project.

I told her the same thing happened to me after college.  I was so exhausted in pretty much every possible way that I didn’t write for three years, I told her.  But I didn’t waste my time either: I read like crazy, tons and tons of great literature, which was essentially like planting seeds into the field of my mind.  I began to harvest years later.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with this.

It is still productive to the writing life to take a break from writing.

Quick clarification: I do believe that– in an appropriate season– it is important to force oneself to write through issues.  This is different than being in a season of rest.  I am in a harvesting season right now, and so I sometimes force myself to write, even when I don’t necessarily feel inspired.

It is the difference between the days of rest/no exertion after an injury and the days of rehab that follow.

I have never regretted my three-year hiatus from writing after college graduation.  It allowed me time to read like a maniac, immerse myself in fantastic literature, build up life experiences, and mature before I later dove into novel writing.

What are your thoughts on this?

when half-gods go

I remembered this past week a poem that used to matter a lot to me in college, especially for its ending lines.  I discovered it around a time of my life when I was clearing a particular boy out of my romantic life– a boy I was very close to, one I cared about a great deal, who was one of my best friends at the time.  He was marvelous and hilarious and gorgeous, but I knew he wasn’t the right one.  He was what Emerson refers to below as a “half-god.”  I couldn’t settle for a half-god.  Because when half-gods go, the gods arrive.

Give all to love;
Obey thy heart;
Friends, kindred, days,
Estate, good fame,
Plans, credit, and the muse;
Nothing refuse.

‘Tis a brave master,
Let it have scope,
Follow it utterly,
Hope beyond hope;
High and more high,
It dives into noon,
With wing unspent,
Untold intent;
But ’tis a god,
Knows its own path,
And the outlets of the sky.
‘Tis not for the mean,
It requireth courage stout,
Souls above doubt,
Valor unbending;
Such ’twill reward,
They shall return
More than they were,
And ever ascending.

Leave all for love;—
Yet, hear me, yet,
One word more thy heart behoved,
One pulse more of firm endeavor,
Keep thee to-day,
To-morrow, for ever,
Free as an Arab
Of thy beloved.
Cling with life to the maid;
But when the surprise,
Vague shadow of surmise,
Flits across her bosom young
Of a joy apart from thee,
Free be she, fancy-free,
Do not thou detain a hem,
Nor the palest rose she flung
From her summer diadem.

Though thou loved her as thyself,
As a self of purer clay,
Tho’ her parting dims the day,
Stealing grace from all alive,
Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Still waiting for that Mr. Right!!!!

 

stunning realization

I have recently gone through (and am still enduring) a very humiliating experience.

While praying the other night, I believe the Holy Spirit opened up my eyes to see it in a whole new light:

Wow, Jesus, I just LOVE the way that You handled the Pharisees.  You are so smart and stunning and clever, and You just OWNED them!

It’s interesting to me that those moments– the ones when You seemed most powerful– would not end up being the cornerstone events of history.  Instead it was the CROSS that would– the moment you looked weakest, most defeated, completely ashamed, and beneath the feet of the Pharisees.

HELP ME TO REMEMBER THIS!  These days may end up being the days that define me.  That is startling a little.  God, give me grace, poise, maturity, integrity, favor as I undergo this humiliating experience.  God let me use this time to IDENTIFY with Your Son.

Jesus, my shame is nothing compared to what You went through, and yet You endured it sinlessly.  Give me the strength to do likewise.  Make me humble.  How could I forget that it is You who are the Humble Servant?  This whole experience may serve to make me LIKE YOU.

You understand my feelings even better and more deeply than I do.  Let me be worthy of this humiliation.

contests and stuff

Lately, I have been entering as many writing contests as I can.  If it has no entry fee, and if I have something that I can re-work to fit the contest guidelines, then I’ve been going for it.

I am NOT keeping track of what I enter.

Why?  Because I don’t anticipate winning these contests, and I don’t want to get too wrapped up in whether or not I have.  If I do, they’ll let me know, and it will be a fun surprise.

And if I do, I’ll be sure to let you know too!!!

What have you been going for in life lately?  Any new dreams or goals?

triple bypass

It’s been almost one year since my dad underwent triple bypass surgery.  Just this weekend, we were reminiscing, saying, “Remember what June was like last year?”  Oh man.  It was not an easy month.  Or summer.

But the surgery was the worst part.

The evening before, people from church had joined our family in the hospital to pray for a successful surgery.  It was so strange to be gathered there, Dad perfectly normal, in good spirits although nervous, and thinking, Tomorrow our world could change.  We knew that Dad needed the surgery; but it is a terrifying thing to undergo.

Dad stayed alone in the hospital that night, but we were back at 5:30 in the morning, saying goodbye and that we’d see him after surgery.  Mom went with him into the OR.  Kristin fell apart as they wheeled him away; I did too (but not as much as Kristin– she’s the over-reactor of the family.  For example, when she learned Dad needed surgery, she cried and said, “I don’t even know what songs to have at his funeral!!!”  Oh Kristin.).  Kevin was pretty well put together.

 

Mom came back to the waiting room in a while (it was a nice waiting room, and we had a private area of it!), and then the waiting game started.  There was a computer, so you could see what part of the surgery they were doing at which time.  Eventually the nurse came in and told us that he was on bypass now.

Do you know what that means?  I didn’t.  It meant that my dad’s heart was not beating but that a machine was doing that work for him while they operated.  It struck me then how crazy this surgery was.

It was a long day.  A long wait.  We were all on edge.

But he came out of it just fine, and when we went to see him in the ICU, I saw him lying there, swollen, ashen, chest tubes coming out of him, draining blood, and I about passed out.  Was not expecting that.

He had a marvelous recovery.  It was tough on him and on my mom, but they did it together, and they are both rockstars.  After you have heart surgery, you have a lot you need to cough up, but they break your sternum for the surgery, so it HURTS.  A LOT.  My poor daddy was in so much pain.  The nurse said the more he walked, the better he would feel.  At first, Dad’s walks were from the family room, into the kitchen, and around the table.  Just that would completely exhaust him.  But he kept working on it because he’s dynamite.

And six months later, we were on rides at Disney World!!!!  Oh, and P.S. I could not keep up with my dad.

my family

I realize that I am incredibly blessed to be a Sommers girl.  I was born into an incredible family and, although it is not perfect, it is a forgiving and laidback and hilarious and interesting one.

My dad Tom is the Stat Man.  You would be shocked at how much information he can store in his head– it’s crazy.  He can literally memorize an entire Tuff Stuff guide, which should give you a clue to his hobby.  He collects sports cards, and his collection is really impressive.  Dad is the cutest man in the world, and everyone who knows him knows that if you get him talking about baseball cards, you’re in for a long conversation.  Even though I don’t personally have an interest in collecting cards, I enjoy hearing about my dad’s because of the way he lights up when discussing it.  It is the sweetest thing.  He loves our family so much, and he’s such a strong leader, and he’s so generous and SMART.

My mom Ronda is the best mom in the world.  She has just the right amount of– what’s the word?– butting in and backing off (although I think both my siblings would say she butts in too much, haha!).  I LOVE how laidback she is.  She is sooooooooo funny, and she’s so dedicated, and she loves the Lord so deeply and cares about us kids so much.

My sister Kristin is the queen of traditions.  Every holiday, she wants us to do exactly what we did the year before.  She has this incredible laugh that goes so wild that it actually is silent for awhile.  Kristin loves to read, and FINALLY, after YEARS of good suggestions, she is starting to trust my book advice.  I suggest a book or movie; she scoffs at it; then she reads or watches it and loves it; repeat.  Silly girl.

My brother Kevin is the charmer of our family.  He loves sports and people and is one of the most outgoing people I know!  Pretty much everyone loves Kevin.  He’s a solid, solid guy.  It’s been so fun to watch him mature over the years, and we are all missing him this summer while he works on the roads out near the North Dakota oil rigs.  He is SUCH a hard worker, and I admire him so much.

When we get together, our family usually ends up playing cards or singing raucous songs (or both).  We love to pick on each other, and we are really, really LOUD.  We all share a deep love for Jesus Christ, and that ties us together even more than our blood and our years of living together.  I have this memory from about five years ago: it was around Christmastime, and the five of us were driving around our little part of central Minnesota, looking at Christmas lights, and we had a soundtrack to a passion play on in the background.  Before long, we were all singing these songs about Christ’s death and resurrection, and I looked around at my family and thought, “This is special.  We all love God, and that doesn’t happen all the time.”

 

I love them.  Tomorrow I’m going to tell you about a tough time we went through together last summer.

An old one of us reading the Christmas story with Dad

last week

I meant to post last week; I really did!

But I was having the time of my life … I spent the week in Hudson, Wisconsin, in a tiny apartment above a garage.  It was quaint– just what I needed!

Every day, I would wake up, get ready for the day, and then get down to business: WRITING.  I spent probably 12+ hours a day working on the young adult novel I’m writing.  To some people, that sounds like a description of HELL.

But I loved it!  Writing is so energizing to me– and challenging and rewarding and spiritual.

I am very nearly finished with a new draft of my story.  Would you like to meet one of the characters?  His name is Silas.

Here’s a brief excerpt (West and Silas are partners for the summer doing car detailing):

Silas and I spent the rest of that week together, and I quickly determined that he was absolutely crazy—but the very best kind.  One morning he showed up at my house wearing an honest-to-goodness windbreaker suit straight out of the 90’s, purple, mint green, and what is best described as neon salmon.  I could feel the goofy grin on my face while Silas gathered our supplies from my garage.  “What?” he deadpanned.  “What are you staring at?”

I rolled my eyes but played along.  “Your windbreaker is just so …”

“Fetching?” he interjected.  “Voguish?  Swanky?”

“Hot,” I said.  “Just all out sexy.  Screw trends.  The 90’s neon just exudes sex appeal.”

“Well, I thought so myself.”

And after the sun was high in the sky and the pavement was heating up, he took off the windsuit, revealing shorts and a New Moon t-shirt beneath, Edward Cullen’s pale face dramatically screenprinted on the front.  “Vader’s competition,” he said, shrugged, and started vacuuming the floors of the Corolla left in our care.

He talked about the strangest things.  “Can you ever really prove anything?  How?” or “I read about this composer who said his abstract music went ‘to the brink’—that beyond it lay complete chaos.  What would that look like?  Complete chaos?” or “A group of moles is called a labor; a group of toads is called a knot.  Who comes up with this stuff?  It’s a bouquet of pheasants, a murder of crows, a storytelling of ravens, a lamentation of swans.  A lamentation of swans, West!”

We sat in the backseat of a dusty Saturn one afternoon, trading off the handheld vacuum as we talked—or rather, shouted—over its noise.  I ran the hand-vac over the back of the driver’s seat, while Silas said, “I used to think I was the only one with a crush on Emily Dickinson until a couple years ago.”

“You have a crush on Emily Dickinson?”

Durrrr.

“Did you just ‘durr’ me?  Is that like a ‘duh’?”

He nodded as I handed him the Dirt Devil.  “But then I read this Don Miller book that says it’s a rite of passage for any thinking American man.  I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure, but then I read this Billy Collins poem called ‘Taking Off Emily Dickinson’s Clothes.’”

Just the title made me blush.

Silas, unruffled, continued, “The end of it talks about how he could hear her inhale and sigh when he undid the top fastener of her corset, ‘the way some readers sigh when they realize/that Hope has feathers,/that reason is a plank,/that life is a loaded gun/that looks right at you with a yellow eye.’”

Silas sighed unhappily.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I finally made it into the backseat with a girl,” Silas cracked, looking hard at the Dirt Devil.  “This is not all I was hoping it would be.”

I slugged him in the arm while his wry smile gave way to laughter.

Any thoughts?