Do What Scares You: Big Sur, Part Two

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If I wasn’t scared enough, they opened the workshop up by telling us that this was essentially “writing bootcamp” and that “some people cry.”

But let me tell you, it. was. wonderful.

I loved pretty much every minute of it.  This was the schedule:

Friday, March 1:
1:00—2:00: Check in to hotel—Embassy Suites Hotel, Monterey/Seaside
2:10: Welcome, orientation
3:30—5:30: Critique Group 1 Loved this critique group, which was led by Lara Perkins of the Andrea Brown Literary Agency.  She was beautiful and gracious, a great leader, and so wise in her direction and critique.  At the end of this session, I knew two things: 1) I was excited to revise chapter one and 2) I absolutely ADORED Lara.
5:45: Cocktail Hour in hotel lobby During this time I hung out with a great group of YA and children’s book writers, along with Lara Perkins and Ariel Richardson, a marvelous and kind-hearted editor from Chronicle.  We talked about our favorite books and query letters, told stories, and laughed a lot.  It was delightful!
6:45: Dinner and presentation by Magnus Torén about Big Sur and Henry Miller Library plus a song or two.  I ate dinner with Jen Rofe, a literary agent from ABLA (also wonderful!), who asked about my book and encouraged me to query her.  

Instead of going to bed, my workshop roomie and I had a “pajamas and revision party” that evening.  I was THRILLED and EAGER to dive into my story!

Saturday, March 2:
7:30—8:30: Breakfast at hotel
8:45—10:45: Critique Group 2 This time I met with Alyson Heller, an editor from Aladdin Books (an imprint of Simon & Schuster), who– once again– was awesome (Notice a trend?  The faculty was INCREDIBLE!).  My critique group encouraged me to start my story a little further into my chapter.  I wasn’t so sure about it, but … stay tuned.
11:00—Noon: Query and Pitch with a panel of Editors and Agents.  This was with Ariel, and it was so awesome to have an editor look over my query letter– and like it!  It was interesting to hear the differences between what an agent is looking for and what an editor is.  Plus, Ariel is just the kind of person that you want to be best friends with.  I love her!!
Noon: Pick up box lunch in lobby
Revising time in afternoon TIME TO WORK.  I busted my butt this afternoon and pulled together my revisions of chapters one and two, so that I was ready to return to my critique groups.
3:30—5:30: Return to Critique Group 1 They all agreed it was a great revision and pointed out some gaps in the writing.  Again, I couldn’t wait to return to it to start mending!
5:45—6:45: Cocktail Hour at hotel Great conversation with some new writer friends about books and projects!
6:45: Dinner Ate with Jennifer Laughran of ABLA (so funny!) and some incredible writers, all discussing our various projects and asking questions.  (That was one of the best parts of this whole weekend … asking TONS of questions of the experts!)
8:30: Evening Program with Editors: What publishers are looking for  Loved this!  So much helpful instruction for debut authors.

Sunday, March 2:
7:00—8:30: Breakfast at hotel
8:45—10:45: Return to Critique Group 2 … I hadn’t been sure about starting my chapter at a later place than where it has (for pretty much the last 14 months!!), but once I revised, I actually got really excited about it, and when I read the revision to this critique group, they were all REALLY pumped about the changes and even made additional suggestions.  AGAIN, I left excited to revise!
11:00—Noon: Agents Panel  So, so, so helpful!  It was so awesome to just get to pick the brains of literary agents and hear what they wanted us to know.  I am so excited to follow up with ABLA and query there (hopefully in the next year!).
Noon: Check out and farewell

One thing that really surprised me was how few people there are part of a writing/critique group.  I know I felt especially grateful for mine!!!  Both Alyson Heller and Lara Perkins thanked me separately for my excellent critiquing skills, and I told them that I was a part of a monthly critique group, and they said it showed.  I am so grateful to Judy Hougen and my writing group girls for everything they have taught me that positioned me well for this workshop!  I felt knowledgeable about craft, criticism, and the industry … and yet I still learned a lot more!

Networking was the very best part of this weekend.  I loved rubbing shoulders with agents, editors, and authors, all in the children’s and YA genres.  They were so down to earth and friendly, so fun and personable.  I could tell they genuinely cared about my manuscript and wished the very best for me.  I really want to go back to this workshop someday … and bring along some YA writer friends!

It was also great to meet new friends who are in the same shoes as I am … working away at our dreams, writing like maniacs, reading books like they’re oxygen.  It was a special weekend, and I had an absolute BLAST.  In fact, as I write this, I am sitting at my gate in the tiny Monterey airport with three of my new workshop friends (my roommate and another set of roommates).  We all took a taxi to the airport together and are all flying into Phoenix (which is the final destination only for Kristin); then I’ll head to Minneapolis, Melissa to Dallas, and Kim to Chicago.  A man in the terminal is playing his guitar and singing Jason Mraz and other things, and it’s all so tiny and intimate and funny that I can’t help but think how nervous I was only two days ago, and how today I’m waiting to catch a plane with my new friends, how I am on my way to a much more polished manuscript, and how I now know and deeply respect game-changers in the industry I love.

Do what scares me?  I am so glad I did!

 

Do What Scares You: Big Sur, Part One

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Experts seem to agree: we grow by doing things that scare us.  I believe this!

It’s why I tackled cognitive-behavioral therapy, why I seek out public speaking opportunities, why I ask for criticism on the things that I write.  Those things all scare(d) me, but I knew I had so much to gain by facing them.  Self-confidence, networking opportunities, friendships, new & improved drafts, stronger character.  In the case of CBT, I gained back my life.

I am not ashamed of being frightened by things … but I force myself to do those things anyway.

As you are reading this, I am probably on a plane to Monterey, California, or perhaps I’ve already arrived for the Big Sur Writing Workshop.  Let’s be honest.  I’m quite terrified.

1) I am not good with airports.  Silly, I know, but I use them infrequently enough that they always make me nervous.  I try to always fly direct so that I don’t have to deal with the pain of connecting flights, but on this trip, it was unavoidable.  I’ll be connecting in Phoenix on the way there … and back.

2) I am not only asking for criticism on my novel but giving myself limited time to respond to it.  At the writing workshop I’m attending this weekend, I’ll get feedback and then have to turn around immediately and revise.  And repeat.  Generally, I like 24-36 hours to process a critique, get over it, and dive back into a new draft.  This entire conference is only about 48 hours, so there is the pressure to act and act now.

3) I will be interacting with literary agents, editors, and authors, all within the children’s and young adult genre.  I want to shine, not only in my writing, but in my personality and presence.  I love networking, but it can be exhausting to always be “on.”  In addition, I am just nervous in general about interacting with people who know so much about the field I’ve chosen.

But I’m doing it.  I have wanted to go to this workshop for the last nine months, and I am finally making it happen.  If you pray, would you pray for me?

I simply want to write impeccably, charm everyone, enjoy myself, and come away with a better manuscript.  Is that too much to ask of one weekend? 😉

Love!

bebrave2

 

If it doesn’t hurt, it’s not OCD.

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Let’s be real here.  Almost everyone has a quirk or two.

quirks

Some people have to organize their shirts by color.  Some need to dot their i’s a certain way.  Some have to clean their kitchen in just a certain way.  Some always double-check the front door before they go to sleep.

Quirks.  Quirks, I tell you!

Unless …

You feel that a disorganized closet is going to ruin your day, your week, or even your life (and you will panic and feel sick over it until you fix it).  You think that if you don’t dot your i’s just so it might mean that something bad will happen to your family.  You think that if you don’t follow a particular routine in cleaning, you (or people you love) are going to get really sick and probably die.  You think that if you don’t check the front door, a murderer will certainly get inside, kill your entire family, and it will actually be all your fault.

Those are just some examples off the top of my head, but my point is this: if it doesn’t hurt, it’s not OCD.  

In fact, it’s built into the very definition: OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry; by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.

I was recently on a web forum that was asking “What minor OCD quirks do you have?” and the answers amounted primarily to superstitions and quirks:

* I feel naked without a pocketknife handy.
* I just have to snip or pull loose threads on clothes or buttons.
* I tap my pockets to make sure my keys are there.
* I fold my dollar bills face-in.
* I hate it when someone else uses my pillow.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  These may all very well be true for these people– but I didn’t get the impression from these forum users that if they didn’t do these things, they would spiral into tumultuous anxiety that makes you believe things will never be okay again.  That is OCD.

It’s fine to have quirks; they can even be funny!  But please call them quirks.

OCD is an anxiety disorder.  It ruins people’s lives.  It steals joy from them.  It gives them a sickening feeling of terror.

Please don’t feed into the misrepresentation.  You are not “so OCD” just because you organize your sock drawer.  If, on the other hand, you believe that something terrible will happen if you don’t organize it just right, and if the organization and reorganization of your drawer seems to be adding to your distress, well, that’s another story.

Be informed.  And compassionate.

Don’t label something cutesy and funny as “OCD” — OCD is anything but.

Does OCD go away?

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Although I do know of a few cases where the OC seemed to be almost miraculously healed, OCD is almost always a lifelong disorder; however, if you learn how to put it under your heel, it is very manageable.

(Wow, I never, ever would have guessed that I would be able to say something like that.  I feel so unbelievably grateful that I can.)

This week, I was the guest speaker for an Abnormal Psychology class at the university where I am blessed to work.  The professor is a Facebook friend of mine and therefore knows that I’m very upfront about my OCD, so she asked if I’d be willing to come share with the students in her class.  She kindly allowed me to share for as long as I wanted in any format I wanted (a public speaker’s dream!).

I made a list of topics I wanted to touch on, and the list was LONG!  From my own personal story to common myths that need debunking, from OCD themes to effective treatment options, I filled the whole class period.  The students were wonderful; they stayed engaged and asked excellent questions (many of them were freshmen who are future therapists), and they were so respectful.  (I love Northwestern students so much!)

When I started to share what life was like with OCD, a true statement came boldly from my lips: “OCD is slavery,” I said, and I could feel myself starting to get emotional as I remembered the imprisonment, the guilt, the terror.  I don’t know why it surprised me to find that those awful memories would still nearly bring me to tears.

So, does OCD go away?

Yes– for a very, very small few.
Not really, but sort of– for those of us who have used CBT to master the disorder.
But then again, no– years of battle leave real scars.

sadstrong2

Photo: Tuana Art, http://tuana.se

What I Want to Say, a poem

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To Jason: What I Want To Say

What place is it you go when you recite
that faith’s eyes are sharp?
So far from this learner who would memorize your portraits
of stars and Sudan, poverty and salvation, to be like you,
to climb that stair.  Your eyes survey nature and science for order;
in perfect strokes you travel logic’s line, pressing it like wet shore
under your heels—across the earth and into space
until you stop on that slender stripe at the very throne of heaven,
where you seek reward for your catalog of answers.
Take me with you.  Say there is merit in exploration
and not merely in accuracy.  Relax your fist enough
to wrap your hand around mine: maybe logic isn’t a line but a web. 

web

Live OCD Free app: my review

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I first learned of the Live OCD Free app when I was in Boston last October, attending an event hosted by the International OCD Foundation.  I was intrigued by the idea of a web app that could simulate or guide Exposure and Response Prevention, so I picked up some handouts to take back to my university, and that was that.

Until I had lunch with Faith, this incredible 9-year-old who is battling with OCD.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had stored the memory that this app had a children’s version to it, so I contacted the company and asked if I could have a free trial of the app so that– if I liked it– I could promote it on my blog.  I received a very kind email from Dr. Kristen Mulcahy, who also sent me a promo code.

Live OCD Free app

What it is: 
Billed as “your personal pocket therapist,” this web app allows you to undergo cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), either on your own or with the help of a therapist.  With it, you create a hierarchy of exposures, practice your exposures, and record your progress.  You can even easily email your progress reports to your therapist!  There is an adult version and a child version (both available with just the one purchase).

Child version:
In the child version of the app, there is a video that shares the story of the “Worry Wizard” with the child– in the video, the Worry Wizard happens to be another person (a bad kid, ha!), which I kind of like.  It goes along with the idea of narrative therapy that YOU are NOT the problem, the PROBLEM is the PROBLEM.  By showing children that the Worry Wizard is a completely separate entity from themselves, they are able to treat OCD as the enemy and not themselves.

ERP is then made into a game of sorts.  Children (along with the help of an adult) create a list of exposures (with simple prompts to aid them).  They then can practice their exposure at the click of a button.  If there is a need for an imaginative exposure (creating a loop tape/recording), they can do that within this app as well.  There are also built-in timers to remind users to practice their exposures and to record their anxiety levels (for the progress reports).  It’s really easy to use, very self-explanatory.

Adult version:
The adult version is very similar to the child version except that it just tells it like it is. 🙂  

PROS:
The secret weapons (child version)/toolbox (adult version).
Oh my goodness, I absolutely loved this feature*.  When you choose to practice an exposure, you set the timer for how long you’d like to do it.  While you are practicing an exposure, you can access the secret weapons/toolbox area, which includes:

1. Reasons for fighting (both versions).  A place where you can review and record your reasons for fighting OCD/the Worry Wizard.
2. Uncertainty agreement (adult version).  Where you acknowledge that you cannot know things with certainty.  This records the date that you “signed on” for this!
3. Relaxation (both versions).  Listen to an exercise in muscle relaxation.
4. Motivational messages and inspirational quotes.  You can even add your own!
5. Tips from other kids fighting the Worry Wizard.  Obviously, this is in the children’s version.  Loved it.  The quotes were so good and meaningful and encouraging without being enabling at all.
6. Songs (child version).  This included two songs for children (although there is a whole CD available on iTunes).  I have to admit, one of the songs– “Worry Wizard”– made me cry listening to the lyrics.  It just breaks my heart that children have to deal with this crippling disorder.  They are so brave!

*When I was doing my own exposures, I was told to focus intently on them … I wonder how this toolbox jives with that, or if that was only my therapist’s method.

Live OCD Free User’s Guide
This is wonderfully written, very clear.  If someone is choosing to do ERP on their own and without the guidance of a therapist, this user’s guide will be critical to their success.  Since I have undergone CBT, I now find it fairly easy to recognize obsessions and compulsions– and to identify appropriate exposures.  However, I would not have been able to do this if I hadn’t gone through ERP myself already.  The prompts are very helpful (and OCs often know what things bring them the most anxiety), but this user’s guide will be a huge help in sorting through obsessions, compulsions, and exposures.  I emailed with Dr. Mulcahy, and she said that sometimes people will meet once or twice with a cognitive-behavioral therapist just to set up their exposure hierarchy before attacking the actual exposures on their own.  Even if you don’t have health insurance, I can see where this would be very helpful.  If not, the user’s guide will assist in that matter.

Progress reports
This app makes it easy to see your progress.  I love that.  A visual reminder of how far you’ve come can go such a long way!

CONS:
There are very, very few cons to this app.  The graphics in the video of the Worry Wizard were not my favorite, and (of course) being a writer, I thought the story could have used a little polishing, but all in all, this app is phenomenal.  

The cost is around $80, which at first seemed like a lot of money to me … but it’s really not.  Not for what you get.  An ERP experience for $80 is a bargain (even with awesome health insurance, I still probably paid about $300 out of pocket to meet with my cognitive-behavioral therapist).  And the freedom to be gained through this process is priceless.

I imagine that CBT without the guidance of a therapist would also be more difficult, especially as there is less accountability, but the truth of the matter is that CBT takes a lot of commitment, no matter what.  I have said it before and I will say it again, you know you are ready for CBT when the hell you’re experiencing daily is worse than the hell you’ll have to go through with CBT.

All said, I highly recommend this product.

I cannot say enough good about CBT/ERP and how it gave me back my life.  Whether someone chooses to go the traditional route of seeking out a cognitive-behavioral therapist (note: NOT a talk therapist) or chooses to use this web app … or chooses to use both in conjunction with one another … I am 110% for it.

The important thing is that you pursue CBT.

Live-OCD-Free_App_12

some details on my faith

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I wanted to post something about Jesus and my relationship with Him on my blog, just something short and simple and true so that my readers would know more about me and my faith.

I love Jesus the way I love my mother, my father, and my best friends all combined.  Most of the time I feel like I really know Him—like, really know Him.  It’s like Jesus called out to my heart across all the junk I manufactured in my head, and He never quit calling.  And better than that, even.  It’s like He fought through the junk—I picture someone in a jungle with a machete, ripping away the undergrowth, clearing a path, you know?  It’s like how a girl always wants a boy to fight his way to win her heart.  God did that—does that—for me.

Jesus has given me Truth and Purpose, and these things are my gravity, grounding me, centering me.  When I boil down all the desires I have—to be an excellent writer, to have a family, to love people well and make them think—the real core, the only real desire I have, is Jesus Christ.

God is perfect.  I am not.  The wages of sin is death—which is exactly what I deserved.  But instead, God had His Son die in my place.  What an incredible substitution!  And when Jesus rose from the dead, He conquered death.  Because He has rescued me and because I cling to Him, I now get to go along for the ride with this VICTORIOUS One!

The truth I know, the purpose that centers me, the friendship—actual, real friendship—I have with Jesus Christ … these are the things that I want for others.

 

field

weird little beast

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beast

 

I love being a weird-little-beast writer.  I love finding things so bloody interesting.

Things that fascinate me:

Kryptos, this encrypted sculpture

Witold Pilecki, who volunteered for Auschwitz

As of 1994, there were over 85,000 Chinese characters.  Apparently, basic literacy requires knowledge of about 3,000, although an educated person will know even more.  The English alphabet has just 26 letters, like a short train with the Z as caboose.

chalcophaps

Karel Soucek (and all Niagara Falls daredevils)

synesthesia

colors and all their shades (and names)

Pallor mortis is the paleness a body has after death, as the blood stops circulating through it.  Imagine: a stopped machine, the workers take a nap forever.

wind turbines

believing six impossible things before breakfast

 

I miss reading.

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As you may remember, I am frantically editing my manuscript before I go to the Big Sur Writing Workshop a week from tomorrow, and in doing so, I have neglected reading in favor of spending all my time writing.

I think it’s fair to do that for a short amount of time (for me, six weeks), but it’s starting to feel unhealthy.  When I read, I join in on a large conversation, I connect with a bigger community.  Writing the way I have for the last five weeks is a much more solitary act.  I feel a little lonesome and left out, as if I was in the restroom when the juiciest gossip was shared.

When Big Sur is over, let me tell you, I’m knocking down doors and rejoining that conversation.  It’s what feeds my writing.

Can. Not. Wait.

P.S. I literally have … hold on, I’ll go count … sixteen new books on my shelves.  Dying.

if you think