There’s so much more to OCD than hand-washing …

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washing handsIf you use Google Images and search “OCD,” what you end up with is a lot of photos of lame OCD jokes and of soapy hands.  It reminds me just how little the world really knows and understands obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Heck, before my own diagnosis, I myself pretty much thought of it as “that disease where you wash your hands a lot or have to tap the doorknob over and over.”  Insightful, Jackie.

While it’s true that contamination obsessions are a prevalent theme among OCD sufferers (I read somewhere that about 60% of OCD cases deal in this arena), that’s not the only obsessive theme.*  And even hand-washing is often misunderstood.  People just don’t understand that there are persistent, unwanted, intrusive thoughts that are driving the hand-washing or other compulsions.  Compulsions are a response to what I personally think is the darker half of the disorder: the obsessions.

* Other common obsessive-compulsive themes include a need for order or symmetry, hoarding, checking, sexual obsessions (including HOCD, in which a straight person obsesses about being gay, or a gay person obsesses about being straight), religion/morality/scrupulosity (my OCD world!), and aggressive thoughts around harming others or one’s self.  OCD is probably bigger, wider, and scarier than most people ever imagined.

 

Side Effects: Blocking

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As I pursued the right cocktail of medication to help treat my obsessive-compulsive disorder, I encountered my fair share of side effects.  My vision would black out.  I had jello-legs.  Dizziness in spades.  Rapid weight gain.  Tremors.  Drymouth.  Lethargy.  Excessive sweating.  Lactation (yes, really).

But perhaps the most frustrating side effect was the blocking.

Blocking is a form of stuttering– but probably different from what you’d imagine.  It’s not the usual “t-t-t-t-today, junior!” where repetition features heavily.  It’s where your mouth physically stops from saying a word or syllable.

I found this description online, emphasis mine:

Blocking is not usually present in normal dysfluency and, as such, it is a principal indicator of stuttering. Blocking typically occurs when two articulators come together with excessive force, e.g. when the two lips come together to form the consonant sound ‘b’, as in the words book, boy and Bob. Rather than parting the two articulators rapidly and easily, the speaker is unable to release the contact between them and a great deal of tension may build up. In severe cases a speaker may be unable to release a blocked sound for around 5-10 seconds. Owing to the adverse effects on the person’s breathing – because the person is typically holding their breath during a block – talking can become quite exhausting. In addition, the sense of fatigue when speaking can be exacerbated by the increased muscle tension around the head and neck area and in the chest.

I’ll try my best to explain what would happen to me.  In the middle of speaking, my tongue (especially the base of it) would seize, and I would be physically incapable of saying the word for several seconds.  My mind has always worked faster than my mouth, but this was out of control.

The words were there but unable to come out of my mouth.

Not gonna lie, I’m a good speaker.  I’m articulate, and I can hold an audience’s attention.  For my job, I do a fair amount of public speaking– presentations at churches, schools, etc.– and it’s an area in which I feel confident.

All of that was stolen from me with the blocking.

stutterI was suddenly terrified of speaking opportunities, felt silly even in one-on-one appointments when I couldn’t just SAY. WHAT. I. WANTED. TO. SAY.  It felt like one more thing OCD was stealing from me– not just my public speaking ability, but my confidence.  I was so frustrated and shed a lot of tears around this time.

Thankfully, my brilliant psychiatrist knew what was causing the blocking (for me it was a too-high dose of Risperdal), and once he reduced it (I now only take half a milligram daily!), the blocking went away.

At a writing conference Q&A, a man in the crowd asked several questions, and his phrases were filled with blocking.  It was even on the same letters as me– b’s and p’s, those darn plosives!– and as he spoke, I could almost feel my tongue freeze inside my mouth, feeling like a thick, inoperative muscle– a weapon against me instead of for.

Best of the Web: Jackie’s Picks, Part II

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For your enjoyment and edification, here’s what I’ve loved on the World Wide Web lately:

You Don’t Have to Be Good by Addie Zierman | “In the end, the Gospel story is a shattering of all the formulas.”  This blog post is an anthem for those redeemed by grace.  Addie, in her lyrical prose, reminds believers of Truths we forget far too often.

Become a Christian, Become Instantly Perfect? by Josh Pratt | Christian-turned-agnostic-turned-Christian explores the idea that Christians are supposedly to somehow be perfect when Christianity itself recognizes man’s depravity.

To parents of small children: Let me be the one who says it out loud by Steve Wiens | “The constant demands, the needs, and the fighting are fingernails across the chalkboard every single day.”  I thought this was a wonderful, funny, honest post about parenting.  I loved it, and I’m not even a parent!!

Starting Over, a Fox9 exclusive | My best friend told me about this news segment, and I’m so glad I watched it!  It’s the story of two Minnesotans caught in the claws of addiction who found redemption and one another.  Lovely!

It Matters Whom You Marry by RVD | This post is not new, but it was new to me, and I love it!  I work with so many young people, high school and college students, who need to wrangle the hormones for ten minutes and read this post.

My Wedding Hair by Emma Rathbone | This is a freakin’ hilarious piece that showed up on The New Yorker.

Caine’s Arcade | This short video about a 9-year-old making a cardboard arcade made me tear up about 6 times.  It’s absolutely brilliant.

computer

Valuing the Arts, flash fiction

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The woman spoke softly to the man whose fingertips were stained blue.  “Will you tell me about your painting?” she asked.

He blushed a little, unused to the questions of “outsiders,” but shyly revealed, “You know that long stretch on the horizon where the water and sky meet?  Fascinates me.  Haven’t been to the shore since I first came here, but I can still remember.”

At a desk facing a window, a girl was writing in a notebook.  The woman hesitated, unsure if it would be unwise to disturb her.  She crept closer and read over her shoulder.  A poem.  About love and pine trees and summer skies.  The woman looked up, distracted by a performance of some kind happening in the room across the hall.  Through the windows she could see them singing and dancing.  She’d forgotten.

french hornBut here in this room, in the far corner, a girl played a mournful tune on a French horn.  It stirred the air in this place.  For a moment, it almost made the woman want to cry.  But then she laughed a little to herself and said, “Definitely time to go.”  She retreated back across the room and dropped her visitor badge in the small basket at the check-in counter.

“So whaddidya think?” snarled the guard before pressing a button to open the locked metal doors at the entrance.  “You’d have thought those affected would’ve all died out by now, but they haul in more of ‘em every month or so.”

“It’s sad,” said the woman, then pushed open the doors of the asylum.

Things That Offend Me (or Excuse Me While I Spew My Ranting All Over the Internet)

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frustrationIn general, I’m not an easily offended person.  After a lifetime of being The Girl Who Thinks Too Much, I’ve learned to roll with the punches … in fact, I’ve learned the “punches” are quite often in love.  As a writer, I am used to critical feedback about things that matter to me deeply.  And because I feel pretty confident just being Jackie Lea Sommers, throwaway comments don’t usually floor me.  I like to assume that people have good intentions (although you know what they say about good intentions … and adverbs …)

But there are a couple things that really get under my skin.

1) The belief that young adult literature is inherently sub-par.

A friend from my writing group recently went on an intense writing experience in Scotland where her absolutely brilliant instructor essentially told her that she was “too good” to be writing YA.

Excuse me?

I write young adult lit, and I demand of myself writing that is not only of the highest literary quality (beautiful, rhythmic, paced, character-driven, and clear) but also worthy of the minds of teenagers, whom I believe often outstrip adults in creativity and ingenuity.  I am writing for people who are on the horizon of the future.

2) The belief that I am “less than” because I’m single.

A co-worker was booking his honeymoon the other day, and another co-worker said, “Welcome to adulthood!”

Of course I took offense.

I am single in every sense of the word– does that somehow mean I haven’t reached true adulthood?  Am I not as important because I don’t have a spouse or children?

Not at all.

I hate the subtle ways that society declares this though.  Frustrates me to no end.

I AM A COMPLETE PERSON ON MY OWN.

3) The stigma that it’s wrong/sinful to seek out help for mental illness.

I have dear, dear friends whom I cherish who propagate this idea on Facebook every day, and it takes all that is in me to cool off and not post, QUIT SHAMING ME FOR WANTING TO SLOW DOWN MY SEROTONIN REUPTAKE.  I’m glad juicing/yoga/whatever-it-is works for you.  I am not a bad person for taking Prozac.

Okay, that’s all.  Have a nice day! 🙂

 

 

My 7 Favorite YA Romances

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pinkiesIn real life, I usually think high school dating is silly.

But in BOOKS … well, that’s another story.  A completely other story.  Here, for your reading pleasure, I count down my seven favorite YA romances.

7. Hazel and Augustus (The Fault in Our Stars)

Theirs was a tumultuous, wonderful, devastating romance.  “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”  Wow.

6. Brigan and Fire (Fire)

This is still YA though not technically a high school romance, and it does read like one more mature.  There is something so deep and attractive about the slow burn.

5. Lenny and Joe (The Sky is Everywhere)

I love these two together.  ““He doesn’t have to say it, I feel it too; it’s not subtle– like every bell for miles and miles is ringing at once, loud and clanging, hungry ones and tiny, happy, chiming ones, all of them sounding off in this moment.”

4. Eleanor and Park (Eleanor and Park)

What is not to love about these two???

“Holding Eleanor’s hand was like holding a butterfly. Or a heartbeat. Like holding something complete, and completely alive.”

“Damn, damn, damn,” she said. “I never said why I like you, and now I have to go.”
“That’s okay,” he said.
“It’s because you’re kind,” she said. “And because you get all my jokes…”
“Okay.” He laughed.
“And you’re smarter than I am.”
“I am not.”
“And you look like a protagonist.” She was talking as fast as she could think. “You look like the person who wins in the end. You’re so pretty, and so good. You have magic eyes,” she whispered. “And you make me feel like a cannibal.”

I want someone to like me because I look like a protagonist, LOL!

3. Ron and Hermione (Harry Potter)

We watched the friendship and sexual tension build for seven books, until we finally got our kissing scene while, “OI!  There’s a war going on here!”  Delicious.

2. Jonah and Taylor (Jellicoe Road)

Oh, Jonah Griggs and his steady, loyal devotion.  Supposedly this scene wasn’t supposed to be romantic, but I’ve always found it dreadfully so: “He stops and looks at me. ‘I’m here because of you. You’re my priority. Your happiness, in some f***ed way, is tuned in to mine. Get that through your thick skull. Would I like it any other way? Hell, yes, but I don’t think that will be happening in my lifetime.”

1. Will and Frankie (Saving Francesca and The Piper’s Son)

As it says in my blog bio, I have a thing for cute nerds.  That’s probably why this romance takes the cake for me.  I want a smart, dorky boy in leadership to love calculus and ancient Roman warfare and me.

“Come here,” she says.
“No, you come here.”
“I said it first.”
“Rock paper scissors.”
“No. Because you’ll do nerdy calculations and work out what I chose the last six times and then you’ll win.”
Will pushes away from the table and his hand snakes out and he pulls her toward him and Tom figures that Will was always going to go to her first.”

Top Ten Tuesday: Books Dealing with Tough Subjects

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Top Ten Tuesday is a weekly meme over at The Broke and the Bookish.  Today’s topic is

TOP TEN BOOKS DEALING WITH TOUGH SUBJECTS.

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10. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous | This is the first book I’d ever read of its kind– the “diary” of a teenager caught up in the life of drugs.  It’s raw and ugly and incredible.  There is one particular drug-free scene of kitten-induced happiness that would always make me cry.

9. The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien | I’m not someone who would generally like “war books,” but this is an exception.  A must-read.

8. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath | This novel is the thinly-veiled autobiography of Sylvia Plath and her battle with depression.  It’s funny and scary and devastatingly well-written.

7. Ordinary People by Judith Guest | Guest’s brilliant novel features suicidal Conrad and his family that is falling apart.

6. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell | This new book shows the ugliness of abuse and the sweetness of first love.

5. Kissing Doorknobs by Terry Spencer Hesser | Here’s a book that matters to me on a personal level as it shows Tara’s struggle with OCD.  Reading this book was like reading my autobiography.  I recommend it to everyone touched by obsessive-compulsive disorder.  In fact, while this book is meant for younger readers, my novel Lights All Around was intended to serve the same purpose but for an older audience.

4. Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta | Of course, I swoon over all things Marchetta.  SF gives the reader a front row seat for observing depression.

3. The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson | Although Lenny’s sister has already died before the start of this story, this book shows how Lenny picks through the scraps of her shredded heart in the aftermath of Bailey’s death.

2. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green | I don’t care if it’s cliche to list this book!  I am in love with the way John Green is able to weave humor and beauty through the story of a girl dying of terminal cancer.

1. Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta | This book has everything: drug abuse, death, abandonment.  And yet it’s full of hope and light and the power of friendship.