What an amazing day I had on Tuesday!

I drove around to local bookstores to see my book on the shelves– and to sign them!– and then the launch party was this great big audience (maybe 180 people or so) there to celebrate Truest … and me! I was so honored, so humbled.

I honestly had one of the best days of my life.

Let me post a few things below to give you the picture:

#Truest @jackieleawrites debut novel. Fantastic book! You really should read it! pic.twitter.com/1KpAFl5DMp

— Addendum Books (@AddendumBooks) September 2, 2015

Beautiful crowd at the #Truest launch party for @jackieleawrites debut novel! Congratulations Jackie on your success! pic.twitter.com/aMbuOBoOVW

— Addendum Books (@AddendumBooks) September 2, 2015

The Truest launch party is absolutely packed! #Truest pic.twitter.com/zzlBjXw3wH

— UNW English Dep’t (@UNWSPEnglish) September 2, 2015

There are no dragons in Green Lake. We’re fine with that. @jackieleawrites #Truest

— Natalie Reed (@NatalieFaeReed) September 2, 2015

My bestie Eir!

Judy, my beloved writing mentor and friend

(These are the four kiddos to whom Truest is dedicated. They own me.)

My parents!

September 1, 2015. Here in half an hour.

I wrote a book. Whoa.

I’m really proud of how it turned out– with so much help from God and Jill.

Cindy and I are sitting in my living room with a couple lamps on for ambiance. We’re each on our laptops in companionable silence that is sometimes interrupted when I sing, “I wrote a book. I wrote a book. I wrote a book, hey-hey-hey-hey.” I’m either charming or else really, really annoying.

But I’m not going to worry about it tonight. Tonight I’m going to be grateful and tired and wildly happy. Like that? I got an email from myself from this day last year that told me not to do anything this week that didn’t make me wildly happy. So today I got ice cream at Nelson’s in Stillwater. For those of you not from the Twin Cities, that means I got a raucous amount of ice cream.

After tomorrow, I’ll need to find something else to look forward to. I was tweeting about that with Dan, another member of my Fearless Fifteeners group, and this was his response:

@jackieleawrites Oh, the world’s just beginning, Jackie. Buckle your seatbelt and enjoy the ride. You earned it!

— Dan Gemeinhart (@DanGemeinhart) September 1, 2015

I like that.

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow (and the next day and the next day and the next …) brings.

If you’re a praying sort of person, toss a few up for me, would you? That I would read well and be charming and make people laugh at my launch party; that I would graciously receive (or graciously avoid) feedback in the coming days; that I would remember that I’m not alone in this– it was never a solo project. Never.

Thanks, everyone!!

❤ JLS

One. More. Day. (And twenty minutes, give or take.)

I don’t feel ready. I don’t have everything figured out yet for the launch party– but I will finalize all the details tomorrow. I still have all day tomorrow to test my new signing pens (is this real life?), organize my door prizes, and practice reading my selections from the novel. It’ll be fine. It will. Right?

Okay.

Right now, I’m mostly feeling tremendously grateful. I’m grateful that Cindy is here with me, to calm me down and talk me off the proverbial ledge. I’m grateful that she is also an introvert and let me disappear for two hours this afternoon to be alone and take a nap. I’m grateful that she doesn’t need me to cart her around to the flashy parts of the Twin Cities but is instead willing to order in pasta and watch Flea Market Flip while we both poke around on our individual laptops. I’m grateful that when I have mini-meltdowns, I can mute everything and talk it through with her and she can speak sense into my life.

I’m grateful for my parents, who called tonight and made me laugh.

I’m grateful for my friends who are planning to come to my launch party. I’m so blessed. A gigantic party for ME! And people are excited to come celebrate with me! That’s amazing.

I’m grateful for the prayers that I know so many people are lifting up for me.

I’m grateful for the UNW English department and for Addendum Bookstore for hosting my party.

I’m grateful for my editor Jill. For everything.

I’m grateful for this review, which was just what I needed, heading into this new week.

And I’m especially grateful for the incredible hug I got from my sweet little Elsie after church this morning.

Life is so, so good.

Countdown to Truest: 2 days, 38 minutes. Wowza.

My friend Cindy arrived safe and sound at MSP this morning, and we’ve been hanging out all day, talking, talking, talking– not so much “catching up” since we literally talk almost every day, but just enjoying being together.

Tonight we watched Chopped, the teen version of the cooking show.

For five hours.

It just sort of happened.

We’d watched two rounds of the quarter-finals, then we watched one more … then, well, there was only one round left. But then, of course, we had to watch the championship round. When sweet little Tommy Rae from South Carolina won a scholarship to culinary school, I started crying.

For real.

Her dad was just so proud of her, and she won all this money, and her dreams were coming true, and I said to Cindy, “I think I’m a little over-sentimental this week.” She agreed.

With that, I’m headed to bed.

Tommy Rae and me? We’re living the good life.

It’s about three days, four hours, and twenty-one minutes till September first … but who’s counting?

I woke up this morning stressed to the point of sickness. Plus my wrists, hands, and arms have not been doing well lately– very inflamed and overused. I’ve been elbows deep in Biofreeze. I’ve also been icing them, got a massage, am taking Ibuprofen … I’m not sure if the stress and anticipation can make it worse or not, but it’s been pretty bad.

I stayed home. I slept in. I cleaned my house. I did the laundry. And then I worked on Mill City.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now, with so much of that behind me, I’m feeling good, much more relaxed, and tremendously excited for my friend Cindy to fly into MSP tomorrow from DC! (You might remember Cindy from here or here or here.) Since Cindy left Northwestern to join the Navy, I have seen her five times: twice in the Cities, once in Wisconsin, once in Boston, and at her wedding in DC last year. But Cindy and I talk just about every single day, and she knows more about me than probably anyone. I honestly think the distance aids that: it’s easier to tell your long-distance friend your flaws than the ones you spend weekends with, you know? I am so thrilled to host her in my new home and to have her spend the next four days with me, including at my launch party. Cindy is one of the people to whom Truest is dedicated, and I’m just giddy with anticipation for her arrival!

I’m feeling very detailed right now too. I’ve been re-reading Saving Francesca (by my queen Melina Marchetta), and I’ve been reminded of just how detailed she is … there are so many lovely little details dropped into SF that I’d forgotten about but which make you feel you truly know the characters. So I’ve opened up a new document and am thinking through the childhood of my characters (they’ve known another their whole lives), about their quirks, about random little details that I can sow like seeds into my story, hoping they will become vines that add to the structure. It’s been fun to think about the little pieces. It makes me love my characters even more. I know Truest is the book that’s coming out in days, but I’m also so ridiculously excited about Mill City. I think people are going to see a marked improvement in my writing, and that makes me really, really happy.

I keep hearing from friends who are coming to my launch party, who have pre-ordered Truest, who have invited friends and book clubs and spouses into my excitement, and I’m feeling so loved. Thank you, all, for your well-wishes, your prayers, your presence, your pre-orders, your patience with me at this time and always. I’m a lucky girl.

I keep talking about 2012, which is when I started writing Truest— in January, so very nearly four years ago. But that’s not even close to encompassing my journey as a writer. I have wanted to write books since second grade, when I was seven. I’m 33 (almost 34) now … so Tuesday has been over twenty-five years in the making.

Thank you for celebrating with me. And for bearing with me through all these blog posts. I know that a handful of you have been grateful for the insider look at publishing. These posts are for you. But also for me, to keep me sane and to keep a history of my dream coming true.

Thank you for making me feel loved. You are loved right back.

So, it’s basically Friday. Or it will be in one hour. Which means that my book comes out in four days.

I’m better now. Happier. I saw my therapist, and that was just what I needed. She reminded me that there are certain things I said I couldn’t hold right now … but that I’d tried to pick back up anyway. I set them back down.

I’m tired. I can never seem to get enough done. Every night, by the time I’ve gotten everything I need to do out of the way and am ready to write, it’s bedtime. Right now, it’s an hour past bedtime, but I said screw it and stayed up to work on rearranging a few scenes in novel #2 based on thoughts I’ve had all evening. I think it’s going to work.

But every morning I’m exhausted. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to make this whole twenty-four-hours-a-day thing work. Yes, I know Beyonce has the same number of hours. But does she spend nine of them in a cubicle recruiting?

Not that I want to whine about my UNW job. It’s been such a joy and blessing to have the students back– and all the wonderful new students too! Today, three freshmen and a senior stopped in to just shoot the breeze with me and my co-workers, and it reminded me: I love this place.

I do. So much.

I’m eager. I’ve been waiting about twenty-five years for Tuesday to arrive. My book. In the world. An author. Me. I’m a little sad that September 2nd will be back to business as usual, except … it will be business as usual but with a book in the world.

I’m full. Of emotions. Of gratitude. Of desire. Of love for my characters in both of my books. Of ideas. Of readiness. Of poetry. I’m full but I still want more.

Four years ago, I registered on WordPress.

1,120 posts and so many dear internet friends later … still rocking! 🙂

Eleven days until my debut novel comes out, and I’m a MESS of emotions.

I’m anxious. I want September 1st to be here, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that the sun will rise the same on that day as it does on August 31st. I theoretically understand that one minute after midnight doesn’t mean the world will have automatically uploaded my story into their heads. My life changes on September 1st … but how tangible will it be?

I’m thrilled. I am so excited that my friends and family are so excited along with me. I’m pumped to celebrate with Addendum Bookstore and my alma mater. I’ve been preparing the schedule and what I want to say, and I feel ready and eager to be front and center. Except I don’t know what to wear. Yet.

I’m overwhelmed. I’ve already learned that Goodreads is not my happy place. It’s weird to hear feedback without having an appropriate avenue to dialogue. Which is fine. It’s just different. I’ve never been in a position before where that’s been true. All of my writing has heretofore had a very localized audience– classmates, writing group, beta readers, etc. Or else it’s my blog, which has a more widespread audience, but where it’s my space and I can dialogue with you guys. Now my book is winging its way into the world, and I just have to sit back and let it happen. For better or for worse.

I’m nervous. What if no one buys it? What if no one likes it? What if it’s completely forgotten about by Christmas? These are really fears and worries of mine, and there is no data or evidence to help predict it one way or the other. I have faith like a mustard seed and prayers that are palms open.

I’m happy. I wrote a book. Early readers seem to like it. I’m happy with it. I’m excited: a dream of mine is coming true! I’m seeing my name pop up around the internet, and every time is like a tiny pat on the back– or a hand on my arm, comforting.

I’m sad. I don’t know why. Because the fear and the doubt and the ever-present anxiety disorder are working me over and whispering mean things to me. I’m sad because I’m already imagining September 2nd, when the party is cleaned up, and many people put their signed copy of Truest on their shelf instead of their nightstand. I’m sad because …

I’m complicated. I’m a woman, a writer, and a human being. Life is hard and exciting and has tons of shades of gray, and I’ve learned to like gray, but that doesn’t mean that gray isn’t still tough. Everything is just very layered and complicated, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.