Reblogged: All the Single Ladies

Posted on December 22, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

My friend Kristin is like a sage to me. We were friends in college; then, my senior year, she was my supervisor in the campus writing center. She left Minnesota for grad school– first out to LA, then to Chicago– before coming back to teach English at our alma mater, where I work in the admissions office. It was during round two of her life in Minnesota that I really got to bond with her. She knows scripture so well, and she is unbelievably wise. And really gracious. She is someone whom I can talk to about all my weird, really-out-there ideas without judgment. Instead, she pours wisdom into my life.

She has been living in Nairobi, Kenya, for the last year and a half, and she recently blogged about an issue that I am really feeling at this time of the year. I hope you’ll hop over to her blog to read it.

Here’s the first little bit:

All the Single Ladies: Facebook Holiday Survival Guide

Sometimes, it feels as if facebook is trying to tell me something. This morning, for instance, posts and links accumulated such that I felt like a detective at the end of a mystery novel—all the pieces were falling into place.

Post One: “He asked. I said yes.”

I’m not usually overly sentimental about such things, but this friend, who is about ten years older than I am, has been a particular influence on my life for the past couple years. This is often the case when you are a single adult woman and you know other single adult women who are older than you–especially happy, balanced single women who just like you don’t want to always be single but still manage to be, well, happy and balanced in their singleness. At some point, the age differentiation becomes very important–after this point, when people younger than you get married, you get angsty (why don’t they just wait their turn, for Pete’s sake?); when people older than you get married, you get hopeful (see? it’s possible!). Selfish, yes, but also true.

For the rest of her holiday survival guide, click here!

Socrates, alive and well and emailing me

Posted on December 10, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I think it was Socrates who said, “The more I learn, the more I learn how little I know.”

I have a very dear friend who is experiencing this same truth right now, and since she is just fantastic and brilliant and compassionate and humble, I wanted to share some of her thoughts with you. One thing you should know about my friend is that about a year ago, she underwent a painful divorce, a devastating experience that drove her right into the arms of God.

The following is essentially a series of emails she sent to me, edited to keep her anonymous:

This morning I was thinking about my life and where I was 4 years ago. I thought I had so much figured out at that point. There would be times throughout the past 4 years where I’d look back and think about how things were better back then, how I had a relationship with God, I was happy and stable and figured out, and I would regret so many of the mistakes I made. But today, I realized that…I didn’t really know God back then, or at least not how I know him NOW. Even back when I was [in Bible college], when I was surrounded by Christians and learning about the Bible, I didn’t know God the way I know God now. That if my life had not totally blown up (oh heck, if I hadn’t totally blown up my life), I never could have ended up where I am now. And I don’t mean “here” like “in this job/house/etc,” but “here” as in…being forced to look at the world we live in, to think about the God I thought I knew, and to look to the Bible and ask myself, “Have I ever really understood God?” There were times I thought I did; many more times when I knew I wasn’t living for him but threw his name around anyway; times when I desperately wanted to find him so I could know that I hadn’t screwed up to the point of no return; times when I wanted a quick fix of good feelings before going on my own path. Recently, I’ve had to throw away everything I used to think about God and start fresh. I never could have done that if I was still married. I wouldn’t have dared look at what I thought was right and asked, “Am I sure?” When I stopped asking questions about God, he stopped answering. When I started asking questions, he started blessing me.

Now I feel like I just get so much of him. Why did God ignore the “righteous” and look to the “sinners”? It’s not just that he is merciful and not just that the sinners needed him…it’s also that the sinners were the ones willing to ask the right questions. They were the ones to say, “Really, God? There’s room for me, too? Even though this is who I am?” So much of my life I lived like one of the Pharisees while thinking I was a lamb. HOW MUCH I’ve learned; HOW MUCH I’ve gained from realizing that I really never sat down and asked God about who he is, what he wants, what he thinks. I just listened to others, looked at some words in the Bible, and thought I knew it all. I knew nothing. Now, in doubting him and his plan, I’ve actually come to my greatest knowledge of who he really is.

I can’t remember, but I think I told you a few weeks ago that I received the first EVER assurance of my salvation. How funny that it came at a time when I’m looking skeptically at the Bible and digging deeper to ask questions instead of accepting it at face value; funny that it came when I’m divorced instead of married; funny that it came when I’m more focused on being a strong, SINGLE career-woman instead of a wife and mother. My whole world has flipped upside down. I think it saved me….I think it (my sin, my knowledge of my sin, the loss of my marriage, the loss of my faith) actually saved my faith and my soul.

I just can’t help but regret all the years I’ve wasted not really knowing God. That I sat at a [Christian college] and took in everything I was told about God, adopted beliefs because they were “God’s beliefs,” and never took advantage of the resources and community I had. That I was too afraid to say, “Yes, but what about…” and that any answers to tough questions were either dismissed with, “We just need to accept that’s who God is” or “we live in a fallen world, so that’s how it goes.”

I know now that I’m way too radical for most mainstream Christians to take me seriously. I know that 4 years ago, I wouldn’t have taken me seriously. But now I can look back and know that when I thought I had all the answers, I really had none, and when I thought I knew God, he was a remote figure to me. Now I have REAL fath, REAL knowledge, REAL love, REAL security.

You’ve said before that you think God allowed sin into the world because the Cross was just a better way. I read recently that someone suggested the fall occurred because all good stories need conflict to move the story forward. I think about these things and I can ask myself, “Why am I divorced?” and “How can I forgive myself?” and even, “How can GOD forgive me?!” But if the whole reason for all of this was for me to get to a place to really know God, and if I couldn’t have arrived there without all of this, then I am a very very lucky woman to have a God who loves me enough to put me through hell to get to heaven on the other side.

Wow. Just wow.

Barnabus

Posted on December 8, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I am so glad that my spiritual gift is encouragement. It is such a fun gift!

I love targeting a friend and sending an email full of the things I like about him or her. I systematically go through my phone to send encouraging texts– just a little 140-word pop! of joy or gratitude, or something to make a friend laugh. I do this on Facebook too sometimes– click on “Friends” and write on the first dozen or so people’s walls with just a little something.

I try to do this for strangers too– you never know when it might make their day. I compliment strangers in the hallway and send “WOW” messages to Etsy artists I will never, ever meet. If I am on a website that I like, I’ll take the extra couple seconds to email the site owner.

The reason for this post is not to praise myself– but to share how much joy this gives me. I am so grateful to God for giving me such a fun and delightful and life-giving challenge to make people understand how loved they are– how beautiful– how talented. I never have to lie or invent a reason to encourage someone– there is so much to love in each person.

I also love to buy gifts for people– some fun little present, a scarf they’ve admired or a book I know they will love– but my main gift is words. They matter so much, and anytime I toss a line of Truth into the darkness, I am reminded just how much words shine.

I am thankful for

Posted on November 22, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

And you?

*It’s always hard to name names in something like this because I have a million people that I adore, and I know I will always leave someone out. That said, I will say that I am grateful for coffee dates with Ashley and internet chats with Kristin Luehr. I love being a total nerd with Dora and meeting up with Anna to write. I love Tracy’s sense of humor and Cindy’s deep way of thinking (and all the writing feedback!). I miss Megs’s infectious laughter. Des, I love being your roomie and friend, and I am so grateful for all the chats we have before your early bedtime! Eir, you are a true delight. Elyse, a ten-hour conversation wouldn’t be long enough. Cait, our unfiltered friendship is totally weird and wonderful. I am so blessed to know Brooke and Lauren and Stacey and Mary and Jessica and Brittane and my writing group and all my lovely former roommates. The Voye girls are like a medicine to me. And everyone else who wasn’t mentioned by name, I love you too! God has truly blessed this writer with an amazing and encouraging community!

this artsy life

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

May I just say that I love living in the Twin Cities of Minnesota, which boast the nation’s second highest number of arts opportunities per capita (after New York City)? Well, I do.

Here are my most recent adventures:

First, my friend Anna and I went to the Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul’s oldest theater, to hear Erin Morgenstern, author of The Night Circus, be interviewed for Minnesota Public Radio and the Star Tribune’s “Talking Volumes” event. You may remember that I posted earlier this year about The Night Circus, which blew my mind and was one of my favorite books I read this year. It tells the story of two magicians in a competition who end up in love. Morgenstern was so sweet and unassuming, and she seemed legitimately surprised that so many people would show up to hear her interview. She talked about how the book is being made into a movie, and how the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is making a Night Circus line of perfume. Some musicians at the event had written a song called “Morgenstern’s Circus in C Minor.” It’s like fan fiction in different media! Absolutely loved it. Spin-off art!

I was very encouraged to hear Morgenstern speak because she was so real and told us that The Night Circus didn’t even have a plot when she first wrote it! It reminds me so much of the writing of Lights All Around, when, day after day, I would just sit down and write whatever was on my mind, hoping it would all eventually be “book-shaped,” Morgenstern’s word for it.

The next night, I went with Eir to the Mixed Blood Theater in Minneapolis to watch the musical “Next to Normal.” A musical about bipolar disorder … I wasn’t sure how it was going to be, but it was unbelievable! The music was beautiful, and the story was heart-breaking. I held in my tears for the whole two hours– but barely! To show such a deep depression through the evocative power of music just rended my heart. And for this obsessive-compulsive girl who has fought such similar battles, it struck so close to home! The depression, the sadness, the way it hurts the people you love, all the pills and the therapists and grasping at straws. If you ever have the opportunity to see this musical (which has been on Broadway in the past), please do. It may very well change you.

I love my cities. I never believed this smalltown farm girl would say something like that, but it’s so true!

I always think of Mpls as masculine and St. Paul as feminine. Is that weird?

such a novice

Posted on November 9, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

Even though I have been writing since I was a kid …

Even though I have a degree in creative writing …

Even though I have written almost every day for the last four years …

I sometimes still feel as if I have no idea what I am doing. Once a month, I meet with a group of talented women writers who read my work and give me ideas on how to improve my work, and I leave these meetings doubting myself, wondering if I should go to grad school to learn more, if I should be reading other books than what I am, if I should throw in the towel.

I won’t. I love writing too much to do that. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t go home wondering if I am wasting everyone’s time with the scratches and jottings that I bring to the table every month.

My knowledge of the craft is still so limited. My stories lack essential ingredients that I’ve known about since grade school. My scenes go nowhere. My characters are hard to believe. I am thirty years old, and sometimes I feel as if I know nothing.

This is not the fault of the women in my writing group. This is a lack of confidence in myself and in my work.

And yet, when I consider it, I know that I have grown as a writer in the years since undergrad. I know that, draft after draft, I am improving. I have a fierce dedication, such that I would write even if I were guaranteed to not find success.

Any ideas or encouragement for this doubtful girl today? Please share.

uncertainty

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I spent last weekend with my incredible friend Cindy, whom I know from Northwestern. Cindy went to law school at Georgetown and now lives and works in Washington, DC, and she was kind enough to take the Amtrak to Boston to spend the weekend with me. So, so good.

We did lots of fun stuff, but to be honest, some of the best parts of the weekend were just all the wonderful conversations. You have to understand that Cindy is 100% brilliant, and you can talk to her about absolutely anything, and she has all this valuable insight. One night, we ate a late dinner at the Cactus Club (where, btw, I had the most incredible chicken and avocado quesadillas), and we got to talking about Rene Descartes (since I had begun his book Meditations on the flight out to Boston and because he is playing quite a significant role in my YA book) and about his dream argument and the way he was establishing universal doubt. It led to a great conversation on uncertainty and how healthy it actually is (in fact, it was the key to my therapy!).

Cindy and I talked about how certain statements and discussions used to jar us in regard to faith, but how as we got older, we both reached a point where we decided, “Look, I am committed to this Christianity thing. I think it is true, even though I can’t really know that. But I’m not going to be swayed by every new scientist and fact and detail and argument that arises. I’ve made a choice and I’m sticking with Christ regardless.”

I’d like to hear what you think about this. My assumption is that different ages will have different reactions.

Not to go all Narnia-nerd on you (but let’s be honest, I can’t always help it), but I told Cindy it reminded me a lot of Puddleglum the Marshwiggle in The Silver Chair. Are you familiar? Let me set the scene for you.

Puddleglum and friends are in the Underworld, and the evil Queen of Underworld is strumming her magical guitar and has tossed some sweet-smelling something-or-another into the fire, and the marshwiggle and his friends are falling under her spell as she tries to convince them that there is no Overworld.

“But we’ve seen the sun!” they argue. The queen asks what a sun is, and they describe it as very large, very bright lamp.

“You’ve seen my lamp,” she contradicts, “and so you imagine a bigger and better one and call it a sun.” The same argument is repeated when they bring up Aslan. “You’ve seen a cat,” she said, “and you imagine a bigger and better one and call it a lion.”

But Puddleglum puts his foot into the fire, shocking him into clarity, and he essentially says, “It’s sad that if you’re right, we’ve still managed to make a play, fake world that licks your real world hollow.” Then he goes on to say, “I’m going to live like a Narnian, even if there isn’t any Narnia. I’m going to serve Aslan, even if there isn’t any Aslan.”

Cindy and I feel the same way about Christianity. Now, don’t get me wrong: I believe Christianity is real, and I believe Christ is real and is alive today and is working in my life. But I will allow for doubt. Uncertainty in certain dosages can be very healthy, and I have made a choice to serve Jesus Christ, no matter what.

Thoughts?

my favorite sports moments ever

Posted on July 30, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

I am not an athlete. I barely even follow sports.

But when the Olympics roll around, I am suddenly energized and dialed in to whatever different competition is going on. I may have never heard of the athlete before, but plop them into a gold medal race, and I’m a FAN. I get very tense while watching. It’s a little ridiculous.

Here are my two favorite experiences with following sports*, plus a bonus third that I wasn’t yet alive to witness:
*despite whatever ensued in the aftermath

1) The summer of 1998 as Mark McGwire of the St. Louis Cardinals chased the home run record. It seemed like every night I would hear my dad call from the family room, “McGwire went yard!” and the rest of us would come rushing into the room to watch the instant replay of his homer and to marvel as that home run tally increased one by one. It was the summer before my junior year of high school, and I remember feeling so American. Shoulda slapped some cherry pie in my hands as I watched that summer, watched and hoped and dreamed of that elusive record, this race drawing back fans after the recent strike.

2) The 2008 Beijing Olympics as Michael Phelps pursued 8 golds in 8 events. Day after day returning to the Beijing National Aquatics Center to watch whatever magic Phelps would unfold. I remember the 4×100 relay where Phelps had to rely on Jason Lezak’s anchor leg swim to come from behind to secure that gold. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I remember the night that Phelps beat Cavic by .01, and I was on my feet and my eyes fooled me. One-hundredth of one second is a tie to human eyes but means the difference between silver and gold to a computer. This time it was me who would yell to Desiree from the living room, “Phelps is about to race!” and she’d run in to join me, and we’d watch the stars and stripes rise above the others once and then over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

3) The 1973 Belmont Stakes. My dad would refer to this race as “the greatest moment in sports,” and if you watch the race, it would be hard for you to argue with that assessment. When I watch the race, my heart just about explodes with pride as Secretariat, the powerful horse with the huge heart, pulverizes his competitors, winning the race by 31 lengths. “Secretariat is widening now … he is moving like a tremendous machine.” Toward the end of the race, it appears that there are two races instead of one: Secretariat running his own, and all the rest battling a second so far behind. The other horses weren’t even in the film shot as Secretariat finished the race. That is power. It’s overwhelming to see.

What are your favorite moments in sports?

not alone

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

One of my OCD friends just sent me a message that said: “I have also been reading your blog… ha almost like looking at my own biography.”

It reminded me so much that although OCD tries to make us feel like freaks– like we are the only ones who could think such thoughts– like we are unique in our horrors– it’s not true. All obsessive-compulsives are telling the same story, just with different details. We are wearing the same outfits but have put on different accessories. We are not alone.

OCD wears many masks: scrupulosity, checking, ordering, washing, etc.– but in the end it is a neurological disorder that makes us think unwanted thoughts and then perform actions to give ourselves temporary relief. We are all in the same boat together.

I as a Pure-O can sit with a washer and empathize. We have a common enemy.

For years, I thought I was some kind of anomaly. I’m not. I’m just a girl whose mind has a glitch, and I stand alongside many others who experience the same thing.

Community is important. I felt validated when I discovered that there were others like myself. I remember reading Kissing Doorknobs for the first time. I remember my first conversation with another OC. I remember reading Stop Obsessing! and seeing myself in the pages, just the way my friend is seeing himself in my blog posts. Community matters. And that is one reason that I shout from the rooftops that I have OCD, just in case any other OCs are listening, in case they recognize themselves in me. Then we can sit down, talk, share stories, and realize that ours are both the same.

Meet my sister Kristin!

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Jackie Lea Sommers

On November 23, 1984, I met a girl who would become one of my best friends. Her name was Kristin Ann, but I wanted to call her Tustin, who was the boy who lived across the street from my aunt and uncle’s house.

Kristin was three years younger than me, an age gap that didn’t always bode so well for us while we were growing up. We fought a fair amount (although not as much as Kristin and our brother Kevin did!), and she always felt left out. I have these hilarious memories of her– I would get to stay up/out later than she did, and when my dad and I would drive down the driveway, Kristin would be waiting up for me, staring out the window. Dad would get mad because she was supposed to be asleep, but how funny and pathetic is that image? Little sister waiting up for big sister to come back home!

We shared a room from the time she was three until I graduated from high school. We have so many RIDICULOUS memories of this– from the way we would decorate our room (her half was Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls and Taylor Hanson posters; mine was devoted strictly to Zac Hanson), how it would get so messy that we’d get in BIG trouble with the parents, how we’d read by the “amber light” coming in through the window after our lights were off (it never occurred to us to turn the light back on at that age), playing Princess Pat while dangling upside down from our beds, and when we were older, having Kevin tantrum every night, “TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!!”

Now that we are older, we get along GREAT! She is one of my favorite people– so loving and caring, so FUNNY, and my prayer warrior! She loves God and books and family time. Kristin is the one who will always instigate, “Let’s go around the table and say something nice about one another,” which has become a family tradition. Speaking of traditions, the girl holds to them like the world will end if we don’t do our EXACT ROUTINE every holiday. She is a delight, and I absolutely adore her.

JACKIE LEA SOMMERS

Author & Advocate

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