Chose a cute, lighthearted photo of myself to post because I can’t bear another one of me lying in bed, looking sad and overwhelmed.
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I love, love, love the start of a new year. But I do place a lot of responsibility on myself. Goals. Resolutions. Self care. Plans for world domination. I have ten areas of my life I want to rock in 2020. Ten.
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So yeah, I’m overwhelmed. I can’t seem to focus. I feel like my body is a beehive. One thousand goals are buzzing around inside me, making me crazy and panicked. I hope hard work and magic turn them into honey.
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Why so many goals? Why not do something more manageable? Why bite off more than I can chew? Because I want it all. Because the areas overlap into each other. Because I’m called to some of it and some of it is forced on me.
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I think writing will be easier when I can reclaim my basement office. But renovations do not happen on my schedule. And writing will be easier if I can get some hormone help, but I’m nervous for the doctor and need someone to make me brave. But it’s just me. (No, it’s not, but that brings up the whole online dating scene, which is draining.) And I can’t handle draining things when I am already fatigued.
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It all ties together. I can’t isolate things. Maybe someone else can. I’ll ask my therapist. Maybe I should make a list. All I do lately is make lists. Lists keep me sane and give the illusion I’m making progress.
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I AM making progress.
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Sorry for the whining. I really needed to open the pressure valve though, and I do this by blogging. (LUCKY YOU.) ha!
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Welcome, 2020! I want you. Wipe my slate clean. New year, new joys, new mistakes. My theme for 2020 is Jesu Juva. Jesus, Help. Bach famously began his compositions with J.J. in the corner. This resonates deeply with me.
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#blog #writer #writing #writinglife #author #authorsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #courageovercomfort #courage #enneagram4 #enneagram4w3 #4w3 #cultivatewhatmatters #2020goals #ambition #JesuJuva2020

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New year, new short assignments.
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All quotes by @annelamott
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#blog #writer #writing #writinglife #author #authorsofinstagram #saltnovel

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Spending some time this afternoon in the height of comfort (i.e. Perkins booth with hot cocoa) to continue work on my goals for 2020.
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#blog #writer #writing #writinglife #author #authorsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #courageovercomfort #courage #enneagram4 #enneagram4w3 #4w3 #cultivatewhatmatters #2020goals #ambition #JesuJuva2020 #JesuJuva

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Let me begin by saying that I am privileged to have a lovely, safe home; two meaningful careers; and so much support.
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But being a homeowner has been a slog in 2019. My HOA began a huge project in May that resulted in an upheaval of my life and finances until October.
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As the light was beginning to appear at the end of that tunnel, an obstructed drain in my basement overflowed in early August and moved the chaos and upheaval of life and finances indoors.
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I am emotional even as I write now about having my space, my home, be turned upside down for eight months. It has taken an emotional toll.
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Tomorrow the basement bathroom will be (mostly) finished. I’m so tired. I’m so relieved. I can’t stop sobbing thinking about getting my home to be a space I feel good about, safe in, a place to support my creative goals instead of press back against them.
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#blog #writer #writing #writinglife #renovation #basementreno #bathroomreno #livinginchaos #reclaimedspace #sooverwhelmed #imbroke #specialassessment #bobbyberksaveme #bringtantoo #andjvntoni #tellkaramotobringkleenex

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Had a good chat with my therapist yesterday in which I complained that my life isn’t a straight upward trajectory of personal growth and health. Ha.
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Thing is, I KNOW that’s not realistic. I know that. So why am I still surprised to have bad/hard days mixed in with the good?
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Since July, I’ve been blossoming. With confidence, freedom, creativity, drive. If, in June, you’d have told me I’d have 2/3s of my manuscript revised by the end of the year, or that I’d be bursting with new ideas and spending days working out the kinks of my plot, I’d have rolled my eyes. I mean, I was scared of even opening up my manuscript at that point.
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And I’m not in daily pain anymore, thanks to a host of help, but I still battle to figure out keto and rest and spoons. But then I have weeks like this, where I get reacquainted with pain, and I forget all the growth.
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I want the impossible: all improvement, no steps back. Cool. Realistic.
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I’m trying to make a better effort of forgiving myself for being human (ha!), celebrating milestones, and recognizing pain and exhaustion as messages from my body that need responses. Life is good. Life is hard. It’s both. It’s life.
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#blog #spoonielife #writing #writingcourage #writinglife #spoonie #spoontheory

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One of my favorite people turns 35 today! @sommers_kristin, look how proud I am in this photo. I am STILL that proud of you, deet. You make me laugh constantly. Your heart is the size of the sun. You have an iron will and I have so much to learn from you. Love you like crazy.
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Six years ago today, I got my first book deal. I also had my first panic attack.
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Publishing was very hard for me, almost every single step. So hard, in fact, that I had a long crisis of identity with whether I even wanted to be an author.
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The first part to return to me was the writing.
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I knew I wanted to write. It took far longer to determine if I wanted to publish. Longer still to actually break through the wall of fear and actually get back to the work of writing. And then finally, finally: enjoying the writing.
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Will, then healing, then work, then wonder.
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Wonder came first, originally. First and second and third and last. All of it was wonder, the sheer thrill of creation, the rush of creativity and the power of decisions. Even the work and the will were, ultimately, chalked up to wonder.
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So it’s been a journey back to that. To loving the work I’m called to, to gratefully crafting the world and characters that will never be as perfect on paper as they are in my head. To remembering that writing is also for ME. In fact, writing with joy, knowing that the writing itself must be the reward because who knows if I will ever get published again? I’d like to. I hope to. That’s what I’m working toward. But it’s that question I’ve come back to over and over again in my life: if you knew you would not get published, would you still write?
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Yes.
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So here’s to six years of ups and downs and lessons upon lessons. Here’s to wonder.
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I’m looking forward to 2020.

2019 has been a tremendous time of growth for me (at least the second half!). 2017 and 2018 were brutal.

I wrote today that I feel as if I have been treading water for years and I can finally see land in the distance.

I hope that’s true.

November goals are a bit abstract.
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Explore systems. Record patterns. Find ideals. Make lists. Flu shot. Act like January 1, 2020, is Day One of New Life. What has to be ready?
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I cannot seem to figure out pacing. Yesterday I killed it. Read, wrote, cleaned, therapy, work, signed the contract for my bathroom renovation (yes, finally, the clogged drain was August 4. Insurance is not fast.), wrote a letter, and watched two episodes of Limetown. Showered. Went to bed early. Slept like a ROCK.
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And am still in bed at 2 pm today.
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My tendency is to feel guilt and shame over this, especially when I also was out Tuesday morning. But I know I’m improving. I KNOW it. Measurable growth is all around me: I’ve revised 20 chapters of my novel since July 4th. I’ve rejoined eharmony. I am loving my job and have more admitted students now than I normally would have by the end of October. Better yet, I feel like my appointments are making real connections, meaningful ones. I am leaning into my empathic nature, trying to speak truth to young people, taking risks to tell them what I think they need to hear. My room is not a disaster. I’ve had opportunities to speak publicly this fall in ways that were meaningful. And, I repeat, I AM WRITING. That alone represents such a victory over fear and shame.
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So. Still figuring out pacing. Still in bed at 2 pm on a Thursday. But it doesn’t erase the rest of it. I’m so grateful to God for the steadfast spirit that never leaves.
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#blog #growth #courageovercomfort #courage #shame #radicalacceptance #radicalselfacceptance #bodypositivity #bodyposi #writing #writingcourage #saltnovel #chronicillness #sleepapnea

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