If only I’d read this article back in college …

by Jackie Lea Sommers, guest writer

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) first showed its ugly face in my life at age seven, although I wasn’t diagnosed until fifteen years later.  Fifteen years of being attacked by intrusive, unwanted thoughts—Do I actually love God?  Is God real?  Have I committed the unforgivable sin?  Am I going to hell?—before what I’d always taken as “craziness” had a new, more appropriate name.  Add to that a not-so-fun five-year search for the right medication and three months of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

But God has set me free from this long-time tyrant.

A 2003 grad of Northwestern, I loved my time at this school—don’t get me wrong—but I was living in an OCD-enforced prison.  This is the article I wish would have appeared in the Column.

Picture this anxiety disorder as cause and effect: you have an unwanted, intrusive, repetitive thought—and then you perform some ritual or action to provide yourself temporary relief.

Common themes of obsessions include worrying that you have harmed or will harm someone (purposely or not), recurrent doubt over your sexual orientation, unwanted blasphemous thoughts, upsetting sexual thoughts,
contamination fears, a need for symmetry or exactness.  Common compulsions include washing and
cleaning, checking, counting, repeating certain prayers or phrases, confessing and seeking reassurance, arranging.

One quick note: I believe that most people have quirks.  Obsessive-compulsive disorder is different in that it causes major distress.  OCD disrupts life.  Interestingly, most people who struggle with OCD are also able to recognize that their obsessions and compulsions are overboard and ridiculous—which doesn’t mean that they can stop themselves from doing them!

As an obsessive-compulsive, I felt guilty all the time, could not stop thinking, and was wildly aware that I worried a lot more than my friends—and over the strangest things too, things that none of my friends would even consider!

Does this sound like you?  There are things you can do.

First, you should talk to someone who understands OCD.  Take advantage of the free assistance offered by our very own Counseling Services!  Have someone name it—I think diagnosis alone is a significant blow to a
mental disorder.

Second, find other people who understand you—swing by the admissions office and commiserate with me a little while or be vocal about your disorder and locate OCD companions who can identify with you.

Third, and some might argue with me on this, have a psychiatrist help you find an appropriate medication.  My daily “brew” is 20mg of Prozac and 75mg of Effexor in the morning, and one teensy little .5mg pill of Risperdal before bed.  This step can be very difficult—as I’ve said, it took me about five years to find the right medication (and that included a whole parade of terrible side effects and one near-fatal allergic reaction).  Was it worth it?  Yes.  I mean that.

Fourth, if your OCD is ruining your life and freedom (as was mine), then consider cognitive-behavioral therapy, a form of psychotherapy where you face your obsessions head-on.  Does it sound terrible?  Oh believe me, it is.  For my CBT, I had to listen to a recording of my therapist telling me I was going to hell.  Four times.  A day.

It was torture, but CBT was ultimately the tool Christ used to set me free from OCD’s reign.  While it is a lifelong disorder, OCD can be maintained (think of diabetes—while one always has it, if he is getting insulin, eating well, exercising, he need not worry about it).  If you’ve been attacked by your own unwanted thoughts and frustrating rituals, this article is for you.  After twenty year of tyranny, OCD no longer masters me.  Those of you currently in bondage can imagine what an incredible, unbelievable freedom I’ve been given.  ALL GLORY TO GOD.  This can be your story too.

Those curious about OCD may be interested in checking out Jackie’s OCD blog: lightsallaround.wordpress.com. 

THREE DAYS WITHOUT EFFEXOR

 Streetlights reflect in puddles

like small potholes of light,

but even that image can’t inspire

the poet to breathe.

Depression sits in her like a saucer,

completely removable,

given the right circumstances,

given the right medicine.

But for now the saucer lies in her chest,

shrapnel of melancholia,

a cup overflowing with eagerness

only to sleep, to sample oblivion.

I was pretty sure I’d read it in a Joan Didion essay, although now that I try to track it down, I can’t find it.  Of course.  But I thought that Didion, who suffers from migraines that annihilate her world, had once mentioned that while a normal person notices when he gets a headache, someone with chronic headaches notices when she feels well. 

It resonated with me.  A normal person notices when life gets chaotic, but an obsessive-compulsive notices when things seem calm. 

Isn’t that sad and crazy and hard?

Life with OCD is like living on turbulent waters– you take notice when the sea is still.  And then you barely want to breathe for fear you’ll disturb it.

What I am trying (and perhaps failing) to say is a word to those who do not suffer from OCD: I don’t think you can understand what it’s like to be tortured by your own mind for so long that the continuous agony of thinking becomes the new norm.

Yes, really.  I hope you’ll find a home here.

First post.  It’s a bit stressful really.  There’s a lot of pressure to kick this thing off with a beautiful fanfare.  Instead, I think I’ll tell you a little bit about me and about what this blog will become.

I’m Jackie.  I love Jesus, words, creativity, certain kinds of awkwardness, and teenagers with bad attitudes.  I am the biggest Narnia nerd you’ve ever wanted to avoid, and I love life, including but not limited to the color red, my alma mater Northwestern College, art magazines, cherry wood, Edmund Pevensie, Stargirl, Gilbert Blythe, Peace Like a River, Ron Weasley, summer camp, C.S. Lewis, ministry, babies, summer, chocolate, antiques, sarcasm, audiobooks.

I hate OCD.

But I love my story of OCD because it’s a love story, a rescue.

This blog is so that I can share my own journey with OCD, encouragement for others, scenes from the book I’m writing (which features OCD as the villain), and my general thoughts on life.  I hope you’ll enjoy it!