Thankful for space to breathe, a body that tells me when something is wrong, all the fun babies in my life, and the freedom to go to bed early and fall asleep to familiar stories, the volume turned down low in the dark.
I know my fellow #enneagram4 peeps will probably understand this. I am just so OVERWHELMED.
Some of it is not even BAD overwhelmedness. I feel overwhelmed by how much I want to do, by how many projects I want to tackle, by how many books I want to read, things I’d like to explore, people I’d love to meet. I want to know how to upholstery. I want to learn embroidery. I would love to have a beautiful front yard garden. I want to invest in people and fall in love and be kinder to my body. I want to write write write. I want ice cream.
I am also overwhelmed by the hard, scary, broken things, though I feel less inclined to list them. Finances and broken hearts and enduring shame and work stress and really, truly wanting to be the best possible version of myself NOW, RIGHT NOW, despite knowing this is a lifelong journey.
Tonight I can read, text a few dear friends to check up on them, get some great rest.
Tomorrow, ice cream.
One step at a time, right?
Here’s a great article about where OCD and perfectionism differ and where they intersect.
“The terms obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and perfectionism tend to be used interchangeably to describe an individual who desires order, is goal-oriented, and has high personal standards. However, there are several important distinctions. To start, OCD is a diagnosable mental health condition, whereas perfectionism is a personality trait. That said, perfectionism can be a trait seen in OCD.”
I encourage you to read the rest of the article at https://www.choosingtherapy.com/perfectionism-and-ocd!
I am a pro at faking:
I highly prefer:
A solid plan
Depth & vulnerability
Raindrops on roses and first drafts rewritten
A big mug of cocoa and men who are smitten
Spring melting winter, a choir that sings
These are a few of my favorite things
I’ve had so many thoughts about routine this week. I’m reading a book by a choreographer in her 60’s, who starts every morning by hopping in a cab and going to a gym. Followed by a slew of other daily routines.
I used to write every day. For something like 7 or 8 years, I wrote daily (the sole exception was when Harry Potter midnight showings occurred, LOL).
I feel like I have no routines lately. I want them, but my body doesn’t allow for them. It feels so impossible to write if I can’t even get out of bed or if I can’t THINK due to pain. My most basic routine of going to campus every day is not even a thing since COVID.
Before I experienced chronic illness, I was one of those “put your head down and WORK” people. I was fueled by ambition and my youth and my privilege.
So right now, I don’t know my relationship with routine. I’m sort of watching it from the wings. Wishing I could dance with it, but also a tiny bit relieved I’m not expected on that dance floor all the time. I don’t know.
But I don’t have to know.
A Lamentation of March
It is a different kind of wrong than last year. It is less fear, more weariness. It is less uncertainty, more suspension. I can put words to prayer, not only groans. The grief is effusive, not so acute. But the fatigue is nearly the same.
My body remembers March. Oh Lord, in a year I have learned and have not learned to abide. When March is over, the lesson goes on. Make me faithful.
Use spring to break chains, loosen my fingers, settle my heart. It is flesh and not stone, which means it can hurt–
But also that it can heal.
Watching an episode of 20/20 about PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections) and my heart just… Sees.
#PANDAS is, in easy terms, when strep throat in certain kids means that antibodies attack the brain instead of the strep. For these kids, they may experience sudden behavioral changes or sudden on-set OCD.
I remember getting my OCD diagnosis. The psychiatrist had asked a million questions, and a final one– “Any other medical history we’ve missed?”– and I, feeling silly, said, “Well, I broke my elbow twice. And had strep throat a hundred times.”
She looked up sharply. “Strep throat? Did you know there’s a lot of evidence of a strong connection between childhood strep throat and OCD?”
On the show tonight, nearly the same conversation.
“Anything else just before all these symptoms?”
“Well, he had strep.”
So, as I watch this, I see OCD obsessions and compulsions on the screen where the interviewer doesn’t. Maybe I’m reading into it. But maybe not. I can see my seven-year-old self in some of their actions, hear myself in their words.
The body is a weird, magical, glorious beast, and the world is fallen. I’m just so grateful for the doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists in my life that made connections, did or learned the research, and led me to freedom.
Current safe space. Along with a space heater, some string lights, and parked on my futon, this is where I’ve been spending my days lately. (You don’t see the other half of the office that needs to be cleaned!) I know I’ve been posting a lot of pics, but I’m feeling really, really grateful for this sliver of joy and peace, this wall of books.
Oh friends, I have so far to go.
I just spent an hour sobbing to my therapist and saying things like “I hate being a work in progress… But that is what being a human IS!” I joke with friends and coworkers sometimes that I have a never-ending pursuit of becoming a robot, and what I mean by that is “cracking the code,” figuring out the “perfect” routine, the perfect process and schedule and even meal. It’s like I want to boil life down into “if I get up every day at this time and I eat this exact meal twice a day and I write from this time to this time and I go to sleep by midnight,” I will have figured out the secret of the universe of how to be a successful and perfect robot. I mean… Human.
I always say I’m a recovering perfectionist. Days like today feel like an absolute faceplant into realizing what a grip it still has on me. I don’t want to be loved by tens or hundreds. I want to be loved BY ALL.
Basically, I want life to not function like life does. I want myself to not function like I do. I want to be flawless, and I hate even that desire because I know in my heart how foolish it is.
So then I wallow in my failures. As a friend, a writer, a worker, a body. As a not-yet-robot. As someone who has stupid goals of “becoming a robot.”
And so, back to the drawing board, right? For me, that’s always prayer and rest and lists. Robots don’t pray or rest, so honestly, what a horrible thing to want.
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