About Jackie Lea Sommers

Minneapolis YA author who rather enjoys Jesus, stories, cute nerds, and cranky teenagers. Jackie blogs about OCD, faith, and creativity at www.jackieleasommers.com.

A Lamentation of March

A Lamentation of March

It is a different kind of wrong than last year. It is less fear, more weariness. It is less uncertainty, more suspension.  I can put words to prayer, not only groans. The grief is effusive, not so acute. But the fatigue is nearly the same.

My body remembers March. Oh Lord, in a year I have learned and have not learned to abide. When March is over, the lesson goes on. Make me faithful.

Use spring to break chains, loosen my fingers, settle my heart. It is flesh and not stone, which means it can hurt–

But also that it can heal.

More on PANDAS

Watching an episode of 20/20 about PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections) and my heart just… Sees.

#PANDAS is, in easy terms, when strep throat in certain kids means that antibodies attack the brain instead of the strep. For these kids, they may experience sudden behavioral changes or sudden on-set OCD.

I remember getting my OCD diagnosis. The psychiatrist had asked a million questions, and a final one– “Any other medical history we’ve missed?”– and I, feeling silly, said, “Well, I broke my elbow twice. And had strep throat a hundred times.”

She looked up sharply. “Strep throat? Did you know there’s a lot of evidence of a strong connection between childhood strep throat and OCD?”

On the show tonight, nearly the same conversation.

“Anything else just before all these symptoms?”

“Well, he had strep.”

So, as I watch this, I see OCD obsessions and compulsions on the screen where the interviewer doesn’t. Maybe I’m reading into it. But maybe not. I can see my seven-year-old self in some of their actions, hear myself in their words.

The body is a weird, magical, glorious beast, and the world is fallen. I’m just so grateful for the doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists in my life that made connections, did or learned the research, and led me to freedom.

Sliver

Current safe space. Along with a space heater, some string lights, and parked on my futon, this is where I’ve been spending my days lately. (You don’t see the other half of the office that needs to be cleaned!) I know I’ve been posting a lot of pics, but I’m feeling really, really grateful for this sliver of joy and peace, this wall of books.

Robot

Oh friends, I have so far to go.

.

I just spent an hour sobbing to my therapist and saying things like “I hate being a work in progress… But that is what being a human IS!” I joke with friends and coworkers sometimes that I have a never-ending pursuit of becoming a robot, and what I mean by that is “cracking the code,” figuring out the “perfect” routine, the perfect process and schedule and even meal. It’s like I want to boil life down into “if I get up every day at this time and I eat this exact meal twice a day and I write from this time to this time and I go to sleep by midnight,” I will have figured out the secret of the universe of how to be a successful and perfect robot. I mean… Human.

.

I always say I’m a recovering perfectionist. Days like today feel like an absolute faceplant into realizing what a grip it still has on me. I don’t want to be loved by tens or hundreds. I want to be loved BY ALL.

.

Basically, I want life to not function like life does. I want myself to not function like I do. I want to be flawless, and I hate even that desire because I know in my heart how foolish it is.

.

So then I wallow in my failures. As a friend, a writer, a worker, a body. As a not-yet-robot. As someone who has stupid goals of “becoming a robot.”

.

And so, back to the drawing board, right? For me, that’s always prayer and rest and lists. Robots don’t pray or rest, so honestly, what a horrible thing to want.

.

#blog #writer #writing #writinglife #author #authorsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #courageovercomfort #courage #enneagram4 #enneagram4w3 #4w3 #cultivatewhatmatters #ambition #rebuild2021 #goals #radicalacceptance #radicalselfacceptance #bodypositivity #bodyposi #totalhonesty #vulnerability

Henry

Even though I had a sick day, it was good. I listened to my body and my limits and said, “OK, I understand.” My coworkers covered for me while I spent all day resting. Then tonight I wrote a long, rambling paragraph and figured out the name of my character.

.

It is a wild and holy thing to create characters and stories. And mine aren’t even ex nihilo, nor will they ever be as complicated as actual humans. But I get to mimic creation, and it’s so powerful, so humbling.

.

#blog #writer #writing #writinglife #author #authorsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #courageovercomfort #courage #enneagram4 #enneagram4w3 #4w3 #cultivatewhatmatters #ambition #rebuild2021 #story #goals #revisions #revising #revisionplan #firstdraft #GlassNovel

Try Softer by Aundi Kolber

This book was so meaningful and life-changing for me. I think it’s required reading for just about everybody: if you had a hard childhood, if you’ve experienced any form of trauma (little t or Big T), if stress or anxiety seem to be setting up shop in your body.

.

Unlike some other self-help books I’ve read, Try Softer really shows the science behind what is happening in the brain and body when we are outside our window of tolerance. And yet, it doesn’t feel clinical. It feels like having coffee with the wisest, gentlest mentor.

.

This book reminded me of the importance of the body and helped me love mine more. It helped me understand more about chronic illness too. And trauma.

.

It’s just a brilliant book and this review can’t come close to explain just how important this book has been to me. ♥️

.

20/5 stars

39

Tomorrow I turn 39 (three perfect 13s, if you’re in the know) and while yesterday I reflected bitterly on the year that brought me here, today I will honor it.

.

Because while it was a year of devastating loss and grief, it was also a time of tremendous personal growth for me.

.

I revised and submitted a manuscript to my agent, and my agent submitted it to publishers. I began this story in 2013, before Truest was published, before I experienced such fear and panic and emptiness around writing that I couldn’t open up a manuscript for all of 2018 and half of 2019. To reclaim writing in such a powerful way in 2020 was like rediscovering my soul in an archelogical dig.

.

Most of my appointments with students and families were virtual, but I did my very best to listen carefully and thoughtfully to each student and see them not as recruits but complicated, multi-dimensional young people making huge life decisions. I wasted no opportunity to tell them I was proud.

.

My family gained a glorious, chatty, adorable new member in my niece Aurora/Rory Roo/The Roo. She has softened the hard edges of us all, and the joy of watching my brother and sister in law as parents, my parents as Grammy and Grumpa, and my sister as Auntie makes my heart so full. Rory is so beloved.

.

I cleaned my bedroom. Most of it. This is a bigger deal than most of you realize.

.

I viewed myself as brave. For a while there, I viewed myself as abandoned.

.

I pursued truth in all things.

.

I used my words on behalf of justice. I voted. I watched hard hearts melts and some open like flowers. It’s been the most beautiful thing.

.

I was spontaneous at least twice. Maybe even three times. Pretty sure they were all for @asherinley & the Bear.

.

I read poetry while the world lamented, which is both terribly hopeful while also joining in lamentation.

.

I wrote letters. Not a lot, but some, mostly to my beloved aunt and to @cam.kreye, and it was so good to let my heart pour out through the pen.

.

I planned. I broke plans. I did not lose hope ever. I knew and still know the light will come. Amen.

Vine

Was talking to @asherinley tonight about how long story ideas “percolate” in my mind and realized I’ve been thinking about these sisters since I was in high school, maybe even junior high. Let’s say 25 years ago.

The idea is just a seed for the longest time. In the back of my head. With enough watering (curiosity, creativity, literature, wonder), the seed grows. After months (or years, in this case), the vines creep forward, slowly picking up details, until it is at the forefront of my mind, and those sisters have names, motivations, interests, and conflicts.

And here I thought I couldn’t keep a plant alive!!

📸: @coffeewithjoshua via @unsplash

Story-Souls

I feel creative but exhausted, which means I’m spending my time being curious. For me, this means reading articles about intriguing facts, phenomena, and philosophies. I’m looking for little story-souls. Although I have lots of characters and major plot lines in my head, I need more. So I’m soul-searching in a different way.

📸: Christian Dubovan via @unsplash