the biggie, continued

I tried to explain my way out of it, any way I could.  Maybe because these curses were just in my head and not outloud they didn’t truly meet the “criteria” for blasphemy of the Spirit.  And then there was always the confusing line in the Mark 3 passage:

28 o“Truly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the children of man, and whatever blasphemies they utter, 29 but whoever pblasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sin”—30 for they were saying, “He has an unclean spirit.”

For they were saying, “He has an unclean spirit.”  Now, what did that mean?  That it wasn’t really a word spoken against the Spirit that was the condemning act?  That it was, in fact, something else– the attributing of the Holy Spirit’s works to Satan.

Well, that’s like laying out a feast for OCD.  It jumped all over it.  Almost immediately I began to doubt if Jesus was really who He said He was.  I let my mind go so far that I started to wonder if Jesus might really be Satan in disguise. 

Now I was sure I was condemned.  One way or the other, I must have committed the unforgivable sin!  Any way you cut that cake, you’d find hell in the center.

I was devastated, hopeless.  Have you been there?  Are you there now?  Leave a comment.  I want to encourage you– because there IS still hope.  My life has turned around, and in spite of OCD, I am confident that my heart belongs to Christ.

4 thoughts on “the biggie, continued

  1. I know this is a super late comment, but, YES, I have struggled with the fear of the unforgivable sin for almost a year now.

    I used to have OCD about health, then whether or not I “really” believe in Jesus “the right way” enough to be saved, and now I’m stuck with this monster.

    See, one night, I was in a bad mood, pregnant, and feeling like I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I remembered someone saying that insomnia during pregnancy is God’s way of preparing you for the sleepless nights of having a newborn. Then, I thought to myself, “Well, that is just a part of God’s evil plan.” The word “evil” seemed to just pop up! Surely I wouldn’t call my God evil, but perhaps I did out of irritation and being a pregnant, hormonal mess.

    I’d like to add that right before this, I’d been watching TV with my husband, and a commercial for a movie called “Evil Dead” or something similar was on. I hated that commercial! At this time, I’d also been reading through one of the Gospels, and I had just read the Scriptures on the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

    Anyway, as soon as the thought entered my mind, my mouth dropped and my eyes became huge and round in shock. I told my husband what happened and quickly asked God for forgiveness. Then the OCD anxiety started. I remembered the verse on blaspheming the Holy Spirit, and I felt like I did the same thing as the Pharisees since I mentally called God evil.

    I’ve been scared since then. I feel like I’m beyond God’s forgiveness, damned, and completely insane.

    If you see this, I could really use some encouragement.

    • Amanda, you poor dear! You sound just like me! I can completely relate to the terror and anxiety of this obsessive theme.

      There is help and hope– and actually, it’s not in “solving” your salvation “problem”– it’s in putting OCD until your heel through exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP). If you click on the OCD tab on my website, you can read a LOT more about ERP. I highly recommend reading “A Metaphor for Obsessive-Compulsives.”

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain and fear. Please pursue ERP!

  2. Yes, this is my major struggle right now (and for a long, long time) .. O hate hate hate this! I am so tired of the doubt and fear. I feel like my faith is beong rippef away from me with me kicking and screaming but there is nothing I can do about it. All because of this stupid thought that plagues me. I don’t want to believe it yet worry all the time that I do. Yet I know how stupid and irrational this is! Jackie I am so glad you found hope and are confident in Christ. I only hope I will be where you are one day. Its been over 20 years. I am so tired of this fight. I have been to 2 therapists recently… one thinks I havr an anxiety disorder but not ocd… another thinks it is ‘fear’ thing fro my childhood and definitely doesn’t think its ocd. But I have had almost exactly the struggles you have had most of life. I don’t know whether to try a different therapist again. I just need a proper diagnosis. They want to do acceptance and commitment therapy with me… not sure if that is erp. I just don’t know anymore.

    • You poor dear!

      Ask them if you’ll be doing “exposures”– use that word– and ask if you’ll be triggered and then asked to not respond with a compulsion.

      What I went through (and apparently what you’re going through as well) is basic textbook religious scrupulosity.

      Ask yourself if you have intrusive thoughts that cause you anxiety (yes) and then do you do something to alleviate that anxiety (maybe you confess, or you seek reassurance from others, or you pray ritualistically)? If the answer is yes to both of these, then it’s highly likely you have OCD– and need a new therapist. 🙂 Particularly one who specializes in ERP. 🙂

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