the biggie

I can still remember the day at summer camp when a fellow camper first mentioned the unforgivable sin to me.  It sounded completely foreign, like something a cult-member had made up, nothing like what I’d heard my whole life: Jesus loves you.  Jesus can forgive you for anything.  ANYTHING.

Years later, this unforgivable sin (actually mentioned in Matthew 12 and Mark 3) would become the torment of my life.  Nothing has stolen more joy from me than OCD making me doubt my salvation.

Blasphemy Against the Holy Spirit

22 wThen a demon-oppressed man who was blind and mute was brought to him, and he healed him, so that the man spoke and saw. 23 xAnd all the people were amazed, and said, x“Can this be the Son of David?” 24 But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, y“It is only by Beelzebul, the prince of demons, that this man casts out demons.” 25 zKnowing their thoughts, ahe said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand. 26 And if Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? 27 And if I cast out demons by Beelzebul, bby whom do cyour sons cast them out? Therefore they will be your judges. 28 But if it is dby the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then ethe kingdom of God has come upon you. 29 Or fhow can someone enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man? Then indeed ghe may plunder his house. 30 hWhoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters. 31 iTherefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but jthe blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. 32 And whoever speaks a word kagainst the Son of Man lwill be forgiven, but jwhoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in mthis age or in the age to come.

So of course– my intial thoughts were that cursing the Holy Spirit was unforgivable.  To me, this would clearly be “speaking against the Holy Spirit.”  Immediately, my head began to think of curses toward the Spirit.  I was plagued by this for years actually, so much so that I eventually developed a prayer compulsion to combat it.  If I’d start thinking of a curse in my head, I would instead redirect it to a prayer: “Father God, I love You.”  This happened so frequently that it was liking hearing one track in my head overlaid against the track I heard from the real world.

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