Friends.

This is exciting.

Moreso for me than for you, I’m sure. 🙂

But I have felt like MYSELF lately. For the first time since AT LEAST fall 2017.

I feel creative, ambitious, productive, happy. Not 100% of the time, but with consistency. I still have hard days, pain and aches, depressive bouts, lazy streaks, loneliness– I mean, of course I do! This is life. But the good is outweighing the bad, and I’m so grateful.

I’ve been learning so much about myself too. Yes, I drank the Enneagram Kool-Aid, even though at first I was sooooo annoyed by it. But as I learn more about my motives and fears as a Four, I am having to confront funky parts of me. Like the fact that Fours have a tendency to make things bigger/sadder/more romantic than they were, thus forcing ourselves to be melancholic over things that perhaps don’t deserve it. (See all my One That Got Away posts.) I am not trying to change that part of me. I am just trying to notice it.

Another thing I’ve been talking about with my therapist is finding healthy productivity. I want to be driven and productive out of excitement and creativity and the desire to be challenged and to grow. I don’t want to be productive out of fear. Some people love that idea of “Live today like it’s your last day,” but for someone like me, that just incites this frenetic energy of trying to do ALL THE THINGS (and especially finish creative projects) before I get hit by a bus.

I want my driving factor to be … well, calling. I am writing because this is my calling; I am writing because it is meaningful and fulfilling to me. When I write because I am fearful, it becomes unhealthy so quickly. What I write might still be beautiful, but I’m left feeling depleted and scared and out-of-time when I should be feeling filled. 

I want to write out of abundance, if and when I can. Sometimes I may have to fight for that. I have been fighting for it lately, and OH, it is so worth it.