10 Thoughts I Had Today

I wish I could have this.

Unfortunately, I think it would look more like this.

nicktran

Oh I miss New Girl.

Anyway, I feel like I have a thousand things to say.

  1. When I can tell a guy online is not a good fit for me, I try to make him believe I’m not a good fit for him. I kind of hate that I do this. Bro has no goals, no grammar, no grace, and I’ll be like, “I just don’t think I’m what you’re looking for.” As if.
  2. The flowchart for me is sleep well–>feel good–>be healthy–>lose weight. I’m in that space between feeling good and actually being healthy right now. Losing weight still feels far away, and in some ways, that’s okay. I told my therapist on Monday that I have to like myself at this weight because even if I lose weight, my worth cannot come from that. It doesn’t. So I am learning.
  3. A lot of days I feel like I’m juggling a 46 things and 43.5 of them are rolling around on the floor.
  4. I am a great advocate for myself. I am such an active participant in my own healing. My psychiatrist remarked on that this morning, and know what? He’s so right. I am in tune with where I’m at and what I need and where I want to be, and I can articulate those things. I had the bad sense to announce to my psychiatrist upon meeting him, “I have a pretty good handle on what I need,” but by the end of the intake he said, “I’ll admit that I get scared when someone starts a meeting by saying she knows what’s up, but … you really do know.” Yes, I really do.
  5. I haven’t always. And that’s okay too.
  6. I’ve been working on Salt Novel since fall 2013, and I think I finally named the island where it takes place. These things are delicate and nuanced.
  7. I burned my left hand with bacon grease on Monday night. Since then, bacon and I have made up and gotten engaged.
  8. You realize what a baby you are when you’re nursing your first-degree burn while on the phone with your dad who tells you about the time he accidentally had a gasoline fire on his own hand and how just last month your mom got immediate blisters on her fingertips from her own incident.
  9. It still hurt. So bad. Like, so bad. It made me feel, of all things, lonely.
  10. I really like my job lately. A lot. It’s been pretty stressful, honestly, and my doctor today asked if I liked it, almost as if he were hoping I would say, “You know what? I don’t!” and then would storm out to quit my job and start something much easier. I’m not gonna lie and say there haven’t been moments over the last sixteen years when I haven’t wanted to do that. But I don’t right now. I feel like I’m good at what I do, and I love being in proximity to young minds and hearts. They are so earnest
    I guess I only had ten things to say, not a thousand. But that’s just for tonight. I have 990+ ahead of me. Let me now if any of these struck a bell of any sort with you, and then please chime in yourself. It helps to know people are out there.

    XO Jackie

2 thoughts on “10 Thoughts I Had Today

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