Let me be clear … I have had an overwhelmingly positive response to my novel so far. Right now, two editors and six agents are reading part or all of my novel, including one who said she was “captivated.”
But tonight I am anticipating rejection, and it’s as if my own mind is sabotaging itself. I am preparing to be let down.
I feel foolish. I feel silly. I feel like, How could I have thought I could write something good?
I think I’m just terribly stressed– the wedding is two weeks from today, and I have convinced myself that no one will like my manuscript, and I’m not eating bread or sugar, and I feel like I want to eat Nutella with a frickin’ spoon tonight.
I keep saying to myself, “Who did you think you were– C.S. Lewis? It takes someone much more special and gifted than yourself to write about Christ in a way that is accessible to non-Christians.”
It is SO HARD to write about Jesus in a way that is free of oversentimentality and yet full of mystery and meaning. I so desperately want to be that writer who can do so– but I feel like I’ve been kidding myself.
I want skill and talent and truth and the right words, and I feel so frustrated and foolish. And those eight people have not even said no. Why do I do this to myself? Does anyone else prepare themselves for rejection in this way?