Hey friends. I’m typing this on my phone because I feel stressed out by my computer.
To be honest, I’m stressed out by just about everything right now.
I’m starting EMDR therapy next week because I’m reacting to emails with the symptoms of PTSD. It’s not ok and I’m not ok. But I WILL be ok.
Some mornings I can barely get out of bed. Some mornings I can’t. It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never been in such a situation, but when it feels impossible to take five steps to the shower, it’s UNFATHOMABLE to consider the drive into work.
I have a stack of mail that all requires action. I have book events coming up that I’m not prepared for. I need to write a synopsis of Salt Novel for my editor and I’m putting it off because I need to talk to God about some novel stuff first and I keep thinking I’ll find a swath of time to have that conversation and work on it. Not so far.
I’ve been getting headaches, even some migraines, and that is rare for me.
The ambien works. About 80% of the time. I still wake up repeatedly throughout the night, but it’s the best med available to me for sleep right now.
My office is going through tremendous turnover, and I’m grieving. The two coworkers I share an office with are both leaving the university and, frankly, I’m a bit devastated. These two have become MY PEOPLE. I spend forty hours a week or more with them, can tell them just about anything, and we spend our days laughing, counseling each other, and discussing theology, the world, refugees, our lack of love lives, and gargoyles. I’m kind of a mess over their imminent departures, even though they are each pursuing their dreams and I’m proud of them.
Pursuing dreams. I could have never ever imagined how hard publication would be. Had I known, I would have better treasured the days pre-contract, when I wrote only for myself, God, and John Green. I’ve written other posts about this, but I can’t stress it enough.
I connected early on with a writer who was signed for a trilogy but whose panic attacks and personal struggles prompted her to drop out of her contract after the first book came out. I identify with her so much. I have wanted to run away a hundred times from the anxiety of publication, but I always come back to wanting this writing life. The EMDR is actually in regard to this part of my life. It has nothing to do with OCD, thankfully.
I’m so grateful to have resources available to me. My therapist is a gem. Same with my chiropractor, my psychiatrist, my doctor. I started seeing a nutritionist too. But everything makes me cry or want to cry.
I’m in a rough spot, and when I look around, especially at other YA authors, I feel like everyone else has things figured out while I’m still on square one, wondering if it was a fluke I wrote a publishable book.
I always want to be honest about where I’m at and what struggles I’m facing as a writer, which is one of the reasons I wrote this post. I also wrote it to feel less alone. I also wrote it because I’m a writer and it’s how I best process things.
Thank for reading. You guys are great.