I’m scared that learning to take a great selfie has only resulted in postponing people’s disappointment.
I’m aware that is an uncharitable thought and maybe untimely (I’m on my period).
I wish the holidays were over. I wish this every year. I just want it to be January 2nd with me dreaming big and digging hard into goals.
I’m lonely, and loneliness is exaggerated in my life by cold weather, attending holiday events alone, and darkness. Right now it gets dark around 5:30. That’s a lot of time every night for loneliness to grow.
And we are still headed into the darkness at this point. One more week till solstice.
Even then, the light returns slowly.
It’s the switchback again, you see: it feels counterintuitive to head into the dark, but it’s still the right path.
2018 has been both harmful and healing. In the same hands I can hold all the heartbreak and tears as well as the joy and healing.
Can you tell I’m in a mood?
One promising thing: lately, I’ve been thinking in Poetry. Poetry like a language, like finding you dream in Spanish or argue with yourself in French. I have been thinking in Poetry– when I lie on the acupuncture table under lights, the massage table under hands, when I walk silently across my room, in the shower, in my car, in the space before sleep while I listen to artificial thunderstorms I desperately wish were real.
I think in Poetry.
It’s just been a long time.
That, almost more than my lab results and much cleaner room and less impossible mornings, shows me I’m healing.